To be selfish and not reveal my past?

[TinaTurner1980]

Name changed for obvious reasons…

Ive been married to DH for 15 years and have 2 DC. He comes from a really lovely family who I now proudly call my own and we really get on. It makes me so proud that I have given my children something I never truly felt growing up - love, safety and stability and I owe that to them.

I didn’t have the best of childhoods, my mum was a single parent and took drugs. She’s clean now but it meant that as a child my house was chaotic and unsafe. Things happened in my childhood that shaped me and by 20 I ended up partying all the time and eventually addicted to drugs myself.

It was a really rough time when I did things I wasn’t proud of but I came through, got clean, went back to uni and built a good career in a sector helping people like me. I met DH who knows all about my past, managed to buy a nice house ( something I never even dreamed I’d be able to do) and had kids.

Anyway, so me and SIL get on REALLY well. She’s a great aunty to my kids and I’ve grown to really care about her. She’s been really unlucky in love so unfortunately hasn’t had any kids but has been talking about this amazing man she’s dating for a couple of months and how she thinks he’s the one etc.

Yesterday she brought him to our NY party to meet us and when I saw him I had to run and hide in the bathroom. I knew him quite well when I was younger, he was a dealer and someone everyone was quite scared of on my estate growing up. He either didn’t recognise me or pretended not to and it has been over 20 years…

Now I don’t really know what to do and haven’t slept all night…DH knows about my past but not every detail and my in-laws don’t know any of it. They’re not from a background like mine, I doubt they’ll understand and this man knows things about me that might make them hate me.
So…

YABU - to not tell her. She deserves to know even though he might tell her and the rest of your in-laws all about your past. Even if you lose everything it’s not fair on her to keep it a secret.

YANBU - He might have changed like you, it was 20 years ago, she’s an adult and it’s not worth the risk.

If you checked out his Linkedin he will know this..but I’m sure you knew this.

You have nothing to be ashamed of btw, be proud of yourself because you deserve it.

I wouldn’t judge anyone for stuff they did 20 years ago (unless it rape or something).

He sounds like a pretty normal lad who found a way to make money but has now got out of that life and has his head screwed.

We all sometimes do things to cope in difficult times.

If someone has never needed to resort to crime then they come from a very privileged background.

Please don’t tell everyone! Just DH, and he can tell his sister. If he has done as you have, he shouldn’t be outed any more than you should be.

He may have been honest with Sis.

For me it depends on what you mean by people having been scared of him. Is he/was he violent? I am guessing yes. And yes people do change and turn their lives around, but it’s also true that sometimes hard-man violent drug dealers end up in that occupation because they are already violent and it gives them power.

Genuinely, how would you feel about your kids being looked after by him alone, if he ends up being their uncle?

I would also advise that you are probably overestimating how much your extended family would be shocked or care that much about your past. For you it is front and centre and something you feel ashamed of and inferior because of. For them it would be a bit of a surprise. An “oh, really?” moment and move on. They have know you for years. They know who you are. What you did as a teenager is not as important to them as who you are now.

if they guy had really changed and done the work, then he wouldn't have the slightest hesitation being open about it. He would have honesty and transparency as core values, and wouldn't contemplate secrecy or deception.

I don't agree with this. OP has not told many people about her past and isn't at all open about it and has good reason to have made that decision. Likewise this guy doesn't have to go around telling everyone he was a dealer 20 years ago. That doesn't make him deceptive. Maybe he'll tell SIL if the relationship gets serious like OP's did with her DH, but that still doesn't mean SIL would tell OP, in the same way OP hasn't told her ILs about her past. It's long in the past and really none of OP's business unless any other red flags arise with this guy.

Absolutely would not be sending any anonymous notes either. I feel like OP's panicked response is really more about her own issues with her past, the shame and the side of her that she feels she's laid to rest but not so peacefully - maybe she needs some safe space to talk it through with a counsellor and work on healthily reconciling the girl she was with the woman, wife, mother and in-law who she is now, rather than seeing them as separate worlds that could collide.

If someone has never needed to resort to crime then they come from a very privileged background.

Wtf?

I agree with @Pinkdelight3

Say nothing. She wont dump him on your word. If he abuses her and she stays, she would have anyway.

OP I think @Pinkdelight3 makes some really good points here …OP's panicked response is really more about her own issues with her past, the shame and the side of her that she feels she's laid to rest but not so peacefully - maybe she needs some safe space to talk it through with a counsellor and work on healthily reconciling the girl she was with the woman, wife, mother and in-law who she is now, rather than seeing them as separate worlds that could collide.

You stopped taking drugs and straightened up right? Why wouldn’t he be ale to do the same? Like you said it’s been 20 years.

I wouldn’t make a big thing if it.

I’d just say to her that he didn’t have the best childhood like you, that he had a reputation when you knew of him, but that you assume he’s changed. But that you hope he’s been honest with her and if he hasn’t then she needs to take her time falling for him.

You don’t need to go into too much detail, just that you think dealing drugs were involved but obviously 20 years have passed and he’s unlikely to be that same person now.

A similar thing happened to me, but it turned out to be a case of mistaken identity.

I went round for dinner at my best friends house, and her DH was there. He's a lovely man, and someone I've known for 20 years. Not a bad, or mean bone in his body. I'll call him "Bill".

I took a couple of photos, and put them up on FB when I got home.

About an hour later I got a panicked sounding FB messenger alert from a girl, "Mel", who I went to primary school with. Basically asking who Bill was, and asking if his name was "Ted"? And if he was Ted, I should get away from him hard and fast. She'd had a short relationship with Ted in her early 20s, and he was an abusive, violent drug addict. She said she was very worried, and if I need any further information, she was happy to talk.

I was able to reassure he that it wasn't "Ted", but the sweet and loving husband of my best friend, "Bill". A man I'd known since my late teens.

She came back to me, relieved, but shocked at home physically alike they looked.

I was, and still am, very grateful to Mel for reaching out to protect me. As it happened, there was no danger. But she was prepared to open a really vulnerable part of herself to help another woman who was, she thought, in danger. It's women protecting women.

In your case, I'd definitely raise it.

Or send the SIL an anonymous letter revealing all about him, then you don't need to come into it.

This is a very bad idea. At best, all it does is worry the SIL, with nothing to back up the assertions and the accompanying upset of a “poison pen” letter (which is what it could seem like). At worst, SIL tells her boyfriend, who actually has recognised OP and knows very well the letter will have come from her, and shares absolutely everything she would prefer stayed buried.

I am going against the tide here, but I wouldn’t say anything for now. You have changed. He might have changed. He might have done a stint in prison and completely turnedhis life around for all you know . Stay quiet, be kind, and learn more about him and the current situation.

My BIL went to prison for dealing and has been to the US over the last few years; though I know he had to jump through a lot of hoops and it wasn't just a case of buying a ticket and packing his case!

He was sent to prison for about 5 years, 25 years ago. He's never been in trouble since and now runs his own business and has a family.

OP, I'd probably just say something like 'oh god, I remember him, I thought he looked familiar - he was a wrong'un back in the day, what's he like now?' and see where it goes from there. He could've turned his life around like you - maybe google him to see if any recent convictions come up.

You've done amazing to get to where you are now; don't be ashamed of your past, you've overcome it, it's something to be proud of!

You obviously come from a privileged background then.

You shouldn’t judge OP or this man for the choices they made due to their background.

I wouldn't say anything yet personally

Who says I did?

If there is any hint that he is still taking drugs or a dealer, or was in recent years, then your SIL needs to know. You would not want her to go through the pain of him being attacked or something happening to her house, or a car crash, for example.

Best I think via DH. Your DH can refer to your mum taking drugs if you feel comfortable about it, not you.

Your DH can refer to your mum taking drugs if you feel comfortable about it, not you.

Hmm, feels very double-standardsy - tell SIL about his drugs past, but don't mention OP drugs past. Quite dramatic to imagine attacks and car crashes based on who he was decades ago. Definitely talk to DH but hangfire on the rest unless there really are hints of things in the present and then you can talk about that in the present anyway, no need to open this closet of skeletons. If he's dealing or using now, then that's the issue, not what he did in his youth.

YANBU - you wouldn't want him to "out" you, so why on earth would you do this to him?

This I think first thing is to tell your DH and see what he thinks.

It depends if they declare it on their ESTA or not and what it was.

I knew a stupid man who was a drug dealer over here, got arrested and did spent a short time in jail (not just for dealing). He went to Vegas, did something stupid involving drink I think, they looked into his background (he’d got into a fight but hurt the other man more) and he winded up in jail, for a period of 6 months, with a fine, he got fired from his job over here once they knew! His wife had encouraged him to lie on his ESTA as it was “in the past”.

Most petty criminals I know (I’ve known some) I’ve got no idea what they do now. One is my ex best friend’s older brother, a nasty piece of work, who when her DM got ill and died recently was arrested as he threatened his sister who’d been caring for their mum, he certainly hasn’t changed one bit.

First of all, ruddy well done for the way you've turned your life round and built a much better one

As for your SIL's relationship, I suppose you could say that you know of him and his activities rather than having been involved in them yourself, but overall - and as PPs have said - you may be better off telling your DH and leaving it up to his judgement

Maybe he's sat at home wondering if he should tell SIL that he knows you and about your past. Maybe he's been honest about his past with her already and you'll look like a trouble maker of you go in too quickly. I'd let it to play out a bit, tell DH you know him but looks like he's turned life around like you have. Don't say anything yet. If you get a chance in future at a family event, just say to him in a friendly way "aren't you a blast from the past" to show you know him and hold no shame. Then you'll get a sense of his personality now.