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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be selfish and not reveal my past?

109 replies

TinaTurner1980 · 01/01/2024 10:33

Name changed for obvious reasons…

Ive been married to DH for 15 years and have 2 DC. He comes from a really lovely family who I now proudly call my own and we really get on. It makes me so proud that I have given my children something I never truly felt growing up - love, safety and stability and I owe that to them.

I didn’t have the best of childhoods, my mum was a single parent and took drugs. She’s clean now but it meant that as a child my house was chaotic and unsafe. Things happened in my childhood that shaped me and by 20 I ended up partying all the time and eventually addicted to drugs myself.

It was a really rough time when I did things I wasn’t proud of but I came through, got clean, went back to uni and built a good career in a sector helping people like me. I met DH who knows all about my past, managed to buy a nice house ( something I never even dreamed I’d be able to do) and had kids.

Anyway, so me and SIL get on REALLY well. She’s a great aunty to my kids and I’ve grown to really care about her. She’s been really unlucky in love so unfortunately hasn’t had any kids but has been talking about this amazing man she’s dating for a couple of months and how she thinks he’s the one etc.

Yesterday she brought him to our NY party to meet us and when I saw him I had to run and hide in the bathroom. I knew him quite well when I was younger, he was a dealer and someone everyone was quite scared of on my estate growing up. He either didn’t recognise me or pretended not to and it has been over 20 years…

Now I don’t really know what to do and haven’t slept all night…DH knows about my past but not every detail and my in-laws don’t know any of it. They’re not from a background like mine, I doubt they’ll understand and this man knows things about me that might make them hate me.
So…

YABU - to not tell her. She deserves to know even though he might tell her and the rest of your in-laws all about your past. Even if you lose everything it’s not fair on her to keep it a secret.

YANBU - He might have changed like you, it was 20 years ago, she’s an adult and it’s not worth the risk.

OP posts:
Thehardestthingaboutwritinganoveliswritingit · 01/01/2024 11:00

If all you did was take drugs (no sex work, sexual favours for drugs, no stealing, no dealing yourself) then you have nothing to worry about I would just tell her.

If there is a potential for anything to come out which your husband doesn’t know about get ahead of it now. If it’s just that you were addicted to drugs and he knows this I wouldn’t worry.

DivergentTris · 01/01/2024 11:02

I'd be more concerned about the position it puts you in. Yes, he may have changed and deserves a decent life like you and your SIL deserves to be happy, but I would be concerned he'd recognise me, realise no one knew everything about my past and then abuse that position. He would remain lovely in the eyes of everyone else but you would be dealing with it alone leaving you quite vulnerable.
I think you need to tell your husband everything you have missed out and at least then, the person that matters the most could support you IF the above happens. I don't think its necessary to tell the whole family everything, one step at a time and your husband can support you and help you figure the rest out.

pickledandpuzzled · 01/01/2024 11:02

Tell DH the guy was an unpleasant friend of your unpleasant ex.

Many women have an unpleasant ex. It’s not a shocking secret.

I think he could then warn his sister that ‘Dave’ was caught up in a bad scene 20 years ago, and he hopes she’ll be careful to get to know him before falling too hard. People can and do change, but it’s ok to check.

Thehardestthingaboutwritinganoveliswritingit · 01/01/2024 11:05

People are ignorant if they think ex dealer guy won’t know who it has come from I wouldn’t start with a lie as ex dealer guy could use it against you. Tell SIL the truth about him. Loads of teenagers took drugs it doesn’t mean you will lose everything.

Original poster
TinaTurner1980 · 01/01/2024 11:13

pickledandpuzzled · 01/01/2024 11:02

Tell DH the guy was an unpleasant friend of your unpleasant ex.

Many women have an unpleasant ex. It’s not a shocking secret.

I think he could then warn his sister that ‘Dave’ was caught up in a bad scene 20 years ago, and he hopes she’ll be careful to get to know him before falling too hard. People can and do change, but it’s ok to check.

This is a great idea.

And to others - thank you so much for all the replies they are really helpful. ❤️❤️❤️

I didn’t ever do any sex work or anything like that. I did steal on occasions.

It’s more the drugs that I’m ashamed of. Put it this way, DH’s family were so concerned that DH’s cousin who’s nearly 30 and a doctor smokes weed in his spare time and I used to take heroin…

I know it’s in the past but I’ll be mortified if they find out. I’m just really really embarrassed about who I used to be. The thought that my kids could ever know that breaks my heart. When I was with my ex he did horrible things and I let them happen like robbing people. I’ll never get over how guilty I feel about that and I guess this was inevitable that something would come up like this eventually.

But I definitely don’t want to risk my SIL getting hurt or selfishly finding out I knew him and that I hadn’t told her… what a shit NY!!!

OP posts:
ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 01/01/2024 11:20

Just say what he's like, that you know of him. No one needs to know of your past.

Or send the SIL an anonymous letter revealing all about him, then you don't need to come into it.

Shouldistayorshouldi · 01/01/2024 11:22

God I feel your anxiety with this. I’d be sick. I think maybe a chat with your dh but a very glossed over one?

ACynicalDad · 01/01/2024 11:25

Does it look like this relationship has legs, when do you think you might see them next. A few months down the line they may split, might be worth keeping a wide berth and reassess then.

Thehardestthingaboutwritinganoveliswritingit · 01/01/2024 11:31

I think your SIL is likely going to find out about you being an ex heroin addict whether you say ‘Dave’ knew him in the past or not. I would prepare yourself for this and make a plan of how to deal with it.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your husband loves you and he knows you. Have faith in this.

It must be a horrible way to live having this big secret shadowing over your life. Do you think about it everyday? Have you managed to quell it until now with the emergence of this dealer guy?

crostini · 01/01/2024 11:32

It's been 20 years so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and wouldn't say anything to SIl, other than mention that you vaguely know him as you used to be local.
That way you won't look like you've pretended you don't know him.

It's highly unlikely that he's got any deep recollection or stories about you. I wouldn't worry about him.

MayThe4th · 01/01/2024 11:36

I think there are certain things about the past which you don’t have the right to leave there, and IMO having been a dealer of hard drugs is one of them.

It doesn’t matter whether he’s turned his life around, the fact is she has a right to know who he is so she can make an informed decision.

Having taken and been addicted to drugs is one thing, tbh as someone’s partner I would want to know that but wouldn’t feel it necessary for anyone else to know, but these things happen, people do it, people get past it, but dealing drugs is on a whole other level and most people wouldn’t want to be involved with someone with that kind of past, not least because of the likely contacts they have and the risk that even having turned around someone with that kind of background would pose to them and potential children.

SIL absolutely has the right to know.

shiningstar2 · 01/01/2024 11:37

I would watch and wait op. You only saw him for the first time last night after a gap of twenty years. He may be like you and have changed. His relationship with sil might fizzle out. Could you try to find out more about him before you move on this? If he's still dealing ext no question ..your sil should be told straight away. If he's changed ...well you can give him the same chance you've had. If he was a dealer you would have been one amongst many so he may not recognise you. If he's changed he want to out you and be outed himself. If he hasn't you tell sil and he's out of everybody's lives. 💐

shiningstar2 · 01/01/2024 11:39

And if he hasn't recognised you ou your secret is still safe even after you've told sil. Just need to say you have evidence, have heard ....

ElFupacabra · 01/01/2024 11:45

Are you sure SIL doesn’t already know about his dodgy past? People keep mentioning her safety but if OP has changed then he could have too!

If your in laws won’t understand she won’t want his past gossiped about and spread around either so I don’t think, even if he did mention it to SIL it would go any further as she wouldn’t want her parents to know his background.

FurballFrenzy · 01/01/2024 11:45

This is a tricky one, because in your situation I’d probably want to warn her too, but I think you need to ponder the fact that you feel it’s your right to hide some of your history from your family, but you also feel he doesn’t have the same right to keep his past to himself.

Also, for all you know he’s come clean about everything in his past to her and she’s just keeping it to herself, in the same way your DP has.

Like I said, if it was my SIL or sister I’d likely still want to tell her out of concern he hasn’t changed but morally I think I’d find myself a bit of a hypocrite, especially if one of your worries is that he will spill details of your past.

pickledandpuzzled · 01/01/2024 11:46

Reframe your past. You overcame tremendous disadvantages to achieve a stable, sober present and you worked hard for it.

I would consider asking DP what he thinks as well. That is your prime responsibility, and he needs to be involved in your decisions. He may not what his family to know your past- and that’s ok.
He may be able to tell his sister that you have a history you have worked hard to escape, and want to help her avoid becoming someone else with a shitty ex!

ElFupacabra · 01/01/2024 11:46

Also, if you were a smackhead he probably doesn’t recognise you after all this time. You’ll look older but also a lot different as you’re clean and healthy now.

upwardsonwards · 01/01/2024 11:52

You have to tell your DH. If it turns out the guy is the same as ever, if he ever pulls you aside, he may feel he has sway over you. Don’t give him that power. Speak to your DH now. He can decide what to do re his sister.

JingleSnowmanTree · 01/01/2024 11:59

Is he using his real name now? Was he then?

How much time did you spend with him last night?

you had a crap start in life, you were young when you took drugs & when you were with your Ex. Yes you did some awful things (steal & cover for your ex etc) but you were young & vulnerable. You stopped all that, now you need to stop feeling guilty about it!

what could he tell your DH that he doesn't know? I'd definitely get in there first. I'd also do some searching online to see if there's anything recent there.

talk to DH first, but be clear that you're going to talk your SIL, you owe her that.

Bex5490 · 01/01/2024 12:02

pickledandpuzzled · 01/01/2024 11:46

Reframe your past. You overcame tremendous disadvantages to achieve a stable, sober present and you worked hard for it.

I would consider asking DP what he thinks as well. That is your prime responsibility, and he needs to be involved in your decisions. He may not what his family to know your past- and that’s ok.
He may be able to tell his sister that you have a history you have worked hard to escape, and want to help her avoid becoming someone else with a shitty ex!

Absolutely this.

I think you have to tell DH as honesty is something you currently have and you definitely don’t want to lose.

You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. In your first post you attribute your children’s stability and positive upbringing to DH’s family but it is in fact you who created that life for them out of more challenging circumstances than they could possibly understand.

If I found this out about a relative it would make me love them more for their strength not hate them for a life or upbringing I could never understand.

Talk to DH and let him handle it with his sister. ❤️

Drinkinggreentea · 01/01/2024 12:03

You need to tell everyone now because he WILL tell people about you anyway. There's no way if they're super serious that this won't come out and you'll look very shady and deceitful at that point. It's better to control the narrative and also to protect your sister in law. You don't have to go into detail about your past and it's really none of their business anyway but you do need to say that you're shocked and worried and why.

Original poster
TinaTurner1980 · 01/01/2024 12:07

Honestly, thank you so much for all the supportive posts. So glad I found mumsnet! ❤️

His SM seems to check out. Says he works for a recruitment company like SIL said. He’s got a LinkedIn and I can’t find anything obviously dodgy but I will definitely tell DH tonight.

OP posts:
Staniam · 01/01/2024 12:12

Look, if they guy had really changed and done the work, then he wouldn't have the slightest hesitation being open about it. He would have honesty and transparency as core values, and wouldn't contemplate secrecy or deception.

Discuss this with your DH. You might also ask the bloke himself if he intends to disclose his past to your sil.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 01/01/2024 12:16

For me. Yes he might’ve changed but you don’t know. If he has convictions eg for stealing then this could mean an impact on SIL eg entering another country like USA in the future.

But yes discuss with DH.

A few people I’ve known and socialised with in the past, we went clubbing did drugs. We’re all grown up now. The odd person did deal drugs. We don’t see each other now so it wouldn’t bother us.

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/01/2024 12:16

Just don't say anything! You've changed your life, maybe he has too?! You have no idea if she is aware, but it's not really your business.