DS’s boyfriend won't go home

[darknessandash]

My eldest DS is 19, been in a relationship for a year and half. Boyfriend lives 2 hours away but they see each other around 2 weekends a month, either DS goes to him or he comes here.

I have no issues with him staying for the weekend although I worry about the relationship as he has mental health issues and he seems to use that as an excuse for how he treats DS a lot of the time. DS has a friend that's told me he doesn't let DS out of his sight when they go out together and constantly is holding onto DS. She has said DS seems uncomfortable but I've spoken to DS and he has said he's fine with it, and has now stopped speaking to her and some of his other friends who seem to have an issue with the bf.

He came here 2 days before Christmas as DS wanted him here and I agreed, he was in foster care and is still living with them but he isnt close to them and has told DS he feels like he's in the way a lot of the time. So I thought agreeing would be a nice thing to do for both of them.

It was fine until boxing day when they went out drinking and the BF was very drunk when they got back and was shouting at DS and waking my younger 2 children up. DS apologised and said he'd speak to him the next day, which he did but I had no apology or anything. He was due to go home Thursday but said he'd changed his mind. They both(i suspect mostly bf) made a mess in the kitchen and both didn't clean it up. They had an argument and when I asked them to stop shouting at one another and to be respectful of DS’s siblings DS told me not to get involved. They went out again last night and came back drunk which woke me up. I didn't go down to them but this morning I found out one of them had vomited everywhere. It had been attempted to be cleaned up (badly!). DS said it wasn't him and his bf said he cant remember.

They've gone out again tonight and I have a feeling it'll be the same. WIBU to just ask his bf to leave?

-DS apologised and said he'd speak to him the next day, which he did but I had no apology or anything.-

This is the point I would have asked him to leave!

WIBU to just ask his bf to leave?

FFS of course not. Houseguests should be respectful and he isn't. Shouting at each other and vomiting isn't OK. If they're making poor choices they can make them elsewhere.

Tell him to leave your house. You are being treated terribly , and you are allowing this to happen in your own home.

Don't ask him to leave. Tell him to go.

it sounds worrying though if DS is cutting off his friends in favour of this lad.

No. They are taking the piss. He has out stayed his welcome. I would have very clear boundaries about when he can come,when he should leave and the behaviour you expect while he's in your home. Any nonsense I'd send him home the next day. You and your other kids don't need to be subjected to their nonsense.

You’d be doing your ds a massive favour if you asked the bf to leave. Your ds is in a toxic relationship.

Tell him to leave and he's not welcome back! How disgusting of him to treat you like this when you opened your home to him over Christmas?! I'd be telling my son this is not acceptable.

I can’t believe you haven’t told him to leave already! 😳 Off he goes…!

The behaviour this week has not been respectful from either of you. I'll need x to leave today. No excuses will be accepted. And I will need a break from him visiting for a while. Please go help him pack and I'll be happy to drop at the train Station'

Ds I'm not happy with the way you spoke to me whilst bf was here. I'm not happy with the way you both came in drunk disrespecting everyone's sleep. Throwing up on the floor and arguing. That is not the life I want in my home and frankly it's not the life I want for you. He's your choice and I respect that but our other halves should make our lives better, not add drama or stress.

☝

Definitely make him leave.

He sounds like he's isolating your son from his friends. Alarm bells right there.

The BF would not be welcome in my house again and I'd be having words with my son of he thought this was any way ok to talk to me or treat MY house.
This is all very very wrong.

This absolutely this right this minute!! 🤦‍♀️

Send him packing and don’t let him back. Invite your son’s lovely friends round to help him see the light about this shitty boyfriend.

He needs to leave. If he has a placement at his ex foster carers (usually called staying put or something similar dependent on the Local Authority) then he has a placement paid for by UC and part by the care leaving team, he would be at risk of losing this if he stays away too long

He should also have a Personal Advisor with that team, they need to know his circumstances, that is that he needs to go back to his home/placement

Please tell him to leave.

Kick him out and tell him he's no longer welcome in your home. He has shown an astonishing lack of respect for you, your home and your family.
You don't have to tolerate this

I imagine your DS had been secretly desperate for you to kick out the CF boyfriend for days. Do it asap! For your son as well as the rest of you!

Have you posted about this boyfriend before? It sounds really familiar.

I think it’s very likely that they’ll cause havoc coming in again tonight. There’s no point asking him to leave then because it’ll be the early hours of the night and both of them will be drunk. But when you get up in the morning, tell them that they’ve abused your home and taken the piss out of you for the last time and it’s time for boyfriend to go home as you’re not putting up with any more of their shit on this visit. I wouldn’t issue your son with any ultimatums just yet. Teens do love a bit of drama and if he’s said goodbye to his friends, there’s every chance that he could start thinking of their relationship as love against all odds.

Definitely tell him to leave. Then give it a couple days and have a conversation with your son about how inappropriate that behaviour was and how concerned you are to see him treat that way. Say you won't tell him to end it that's not your place but you want him to know he deserves better. Then drop it and don't let the bf over again for at least a few months if ever

Do your son an favour and tell the bf to leave.

Another vote for this one!
FFS OP, it’s your house. Don’t fret about “asking” him to leave. Tell him.

Sounds like a controlling and toxic relationship. Id tell bf to leave and speak to your son to check hes ok

Your younger children need to be your priority as they didn’t choose for this man to come in to their lives and as they’re disrupting them it’s time for him to leave.

I'd have booted the pair of them out by now.