DS’s boyfriend won't go home

[darknessandash]

My eldest DS is 19, been in a relationship for a year and half. Boyfriend lives 2 hours away but they see each other around 2 weekends a month, either DS goes to him or he comes here.

I have no issues with him staying for the weekend although I worry about the relationship as he has mental health issues and he seems to use that as an excuse for how he treats DS a lot of the time. DS has a friend that's told me he doesn't let DS out of his sight when they go out together and constantly is holding onto DS. She has said DS seems uncomfortable but I've spoken to DS and he has said he's fine with it, and has now stopped speaking to her and some of his other friends who seem to have an issue with the bf.

He came here 2 days before Christmas as DS wanted him here and I agreed, he was in foster care and is still living with them but he isnt close to them and has told DS he feels like he's in the way a lot of the time. So I thought agreeing would be a nice thing to do for both of them.

It was fine until boxing day when they went out drinking and the BF was very drunk when they got back and was shouting at DS and waking my younger 2 children up. DS apologised and said he'd speak to him the next day, which he did but I had no apology or anything. He was due to go home Thursday but said he'd changed his mind. They both(i suspect mostly bf) made a mess in the kitchen and both didn't clean it up. They had an argument and when I asked them to stop shouting at one another and to be respectful of DS’s siblings DS told me not to get involved. They went out again last night and came back drunk which woke me up. I didn't go down to them but this morning I found out one of them had vomited everywhere. It had been attempted to be cleaned up (badly!). DS said it wasn't him and his bf said he cant remember.

They've gone out again tonight and I have a feeling it'll be the same. WIBU to just ask his bf to leave?

I wouldn’t push too hard else you run the risk of your son leaving with the BF. I wouldn’t discuss this tonight or tomorrow when they have a hangover. I’d be asking for him to leave on the 2nd. It’s the end of the festive period and normal life resumes. He doesn’t live with you.
once he’s gone I would then have a proper chat with your son about how things must go moving forward-no disrespect/mess/vomit etc

WIBU to just ask his bf to leave?

Yes you would be unreasonable asking him to leave, you should tell him to leave!

YANBU.

I wouldn't have allowed that under my roof to begin with!

You have other children and you need to ask him to go for all the reasons that you have listed.
Some things are just not ok. Vomming and trashing the house like a student gaff being two of them!

If the boyfriend is in a care leaver placement with his previous foster carers, they wont be able to have another adult move in to the property without further assessment, so that isnt a massive risk if OP is right about his living arrangements

By asking him to leave ypu are sending a really good message to your son about boundaries and refusing to let yourself be treated poorly.

Has the bf gone @darknessandash ?

He needs to go asap as you need to show ALL your kids this is not acceptable. in the family home or your other dc will follow the same pattern.

Hope you are ok though this sounds tricky and not easily done with your ds saying he's totally happy with bf as he doesn't sound happy.

I suspect he's spinning a 'woe is me' tale about his foster carers. If he's stayed with them post 18 he must have a good relationship with them and they must have been happy for him to stay on as at that point foster arrangements totally change and if either party weren't happy that's when alternative living arrangements are found for the young person.

And what of the well-being of OP’s other children in the meantime?

Definitely, DS will be desperate for an adult to take charge. And teach DS about controlling coercive relationships..

Your DS needs to have some respect as well as the BF.

I would sit them both down first thing, say they've both behaved appallingly and that the BF is no longer welcome under your roof to stay.

I've met piss takers like that before. All they do is drain people dry. Fuck that! No, is a complete sentence.

You need to be careful Op, your DS's BF is already sounding possessive and showing no respect for his relationships with others. You need to tell him it's time to go or you'll find yourself with him trying to move in by stealth.

It's your house just tell him to leave, he's out stayed his welcome.

The BF is 18.

They didn't make noise when they got back although they left the kitchen in a mess again with biscuits, cereal etc just left on the side instead of put away. I haven't spoken to them yet as they're still in bed.

I do worry about DS leaving with him, I don't know much about foster carers but apparently they aren't fostering any new children so it's just the BF and the carers own children living there so would there still need to be other assessments to allow DS to stay with them?

@darknessandash I don't understand your reticence to say 'it's time we go'. I assume your kids have school and you have work this week?

YABU to ask him.
YANBU to tell him.

Make it clear he was welcome to visit, but now he's disturbing the rest of the household and being disrespectful, and needs to go back to his own accommodation.

This advice is spot-on ⬆️

Yes. He will be under an arrangement like 'supported lodgings' or 'staying put' or whatever terminology the Local Authority use for that arrangement

Its part paid for by the Local Authority who pay for a number of support hours and his rent is paid for by UC (unless he works full time and isnt entitled to benefits)

Its possible he is living there as a private arrangement, not impossible but not likely

If there are no other children there, it sounds as if they only had space for one foster child and now that the child has changed placement into this 18+ arrangement, they dont have space to foster more children

Nevertheless, they are assessed to be approved for their current role, which is different to a fostering role and as part of that assessment, any other adult or child in the household needs to be part of the assessment/factors in the household

The Foster Carers will be getting paid to accommodate BF, they won't get paid to accommodate your DS so I wouldn't see them being happy about him moving in? If you agree to your DS moving in and agree to paying his living expenses that would be a private arrangement between them and you but whoever has arranged the Foster Care will be interested in this development and could say no to it happening. At 18 BF is an adult and could leave Foster Care though, leaving BF with nowhere else to go than your house.....

Foster placements usually end at age 18, is BF still being fostered because he's still in full time education?

Sounds grim. Get him out pronto.
Your son is young to be in such a long term and intense relationship. I’d be encouraging him to escape and move on.

Its not foster care

Ywbu to ask him to leave.
Don't ask him!
Tell him!!

Did you only read the title before replying?