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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS’s boyfriend won't go home

109 replies

darknessandash · 31/12/2023 21:06

My eldest DS is 19, been in a relationship for a year and half. Boyfriend lives 2 hours away but they see each other around 2 weekends a month, either DS goes to him or he comes here.

I have no issues with him staying for the weekend although I worry about the relationship as he has mental health issues and he seems to use that as an excuse for how he treats DS a lot of the time. DS has a friend that's told me he doesn't let DS out of his sight when they go out together and constantly is holding onto DS. She has said DS seems uncomfortable but I've spoken to DS and he has said he's fine with it, and has now stopped speaking to her and some of his other friends who seem to have an issue with the bf.

He came here 2 days before Christmas as DS wanted him here and I agreed, he was in foster care and is still living with them but he isnt close to them and has told DS he feels like he's in the way a lot of the time. So I thought agreeing would be a nice thing to do for both of them.

It was fine until boxing day when they went out drinking and the BF was very drunk when they got back and was shouting at DS and waking my younger 2 children up. DS apologised and said he'd speak to him the next day, which he did but I had no apology or anything. He was due to go home Thursday but said he'd changed his mind. They both(i suspect mostly bf) made a mess in the kitchen and both didn't clean it up. They had an argument and when I asked them to stop shouting at one another and to be respectful of DS’s siblings DS told me not to get involved. They went out again last night and came back drunk which woke me up. I didn't go down to them but this morning I found out one of them had vomited everywhere. It had been attempted to be cleaned up (badly!). DS said it wasn't him and his bf said he cant remember.

They've gone out again tonight and I have a feeling it'll be the same. WIBU to just ask his bf to leave?

OP posts:

itsmeagainagain · 31/12/2023 22:19

you’re a mug

Original poster

darknessandash · 31/12/2023 22:25

I've not posted about this before, I mostly lurk on MN.

I've spoken to DS about the relationship and I'm worried that he's cutting off friends and he says he's happy and it's fine, BF doesn't care who he's friends with but the friends he has cut off were trying to get involved in their relationship. But according to those friends they just said they didn't like the BF.

I also spoke to him after the argument a few days ago about how he spoke to me and I asked if he was ok, he apologised and said he is and it was a silly argument and they'd apologised to each other.

OP posts:

Tonight1 · 31/12/2023 22:31

Does bf live nearby? Near enough to walk? Transport can be awful over Xmas period.

If he does get him to leave.

BethDuttonsTwin · 31/12/2023 22:32

I’d ask them both to leave tbh.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 31/12/2023 22:44

Seems like I have seen and heard about a lot of situations where a teenage son or daughter has a partner who says they have MH issues and who seems to go out of their way to be disrespectful to the parents. I think there is a certain kind of person who gets off on the control issues and drama. I would tell the bf to leave asap.

Biscuitz1 · 31/12/2023 22:47

The BF should leave. Try to ask early in the morning as public transport will probably be reduced on a bank holiday.

Unfortunately I think the BF is trying to cut off your son from his friends as it will make it easier for the BF to be toxic and controlling.
Talk to your son about gas lighting and sing a of emotional abuse so he is aware of the red flags.

MeridianB · 31/12/2023 22:52

The BF needs to leave now. And not come back until he has learnt some manners.

Why on earth would a 19yo want to be in such a crappy relationship with arguing, shouting, lack of respect and conflict with friends? It sounds exhausting and miserable. He should be having a great time, not getting dragged down by this idiot.

oakleaffy · 31/12/2023 22:52

Catsmere · 31/12/2023 21:23

Definitely make him leave.

He sounds like he's isolating your son from his friends. Alarm bells right there.

Absolutely . Sounds like the lad is a bad influence.
Absolutely not the right type of friend for your DS.

He sounds controlling and seriously bad news.
Definitely ask him to leave.

I'd have gone mad if someone had vomited like that and made a mess -
DS in his teen years was only sick once from over indulgence and was sick in the coal bucket...but cleaned it up himself {Still using the same coal bucket years later!}

girlfriend44 · 31/12/2023 22:52

Have you posted about your son before?

Tonight1 · 31/12/2023 22:53

girlfriend44 · 31/12/2023 22:52

Have you posted about your son before?

OP said not

Delassalle · 31/12/2023 22:55

I would boot him out asap. He's not your responsibility.

It doesn't matter if it's the night, get him out.

oakleaffy · 31/12/2023 22:56

MeridianB · 31/12/2023 22:52

The BF needs to leave now. And not come back until he has learnt some manners.

THIS with bells on.

The BF is an utter idiot. 19 and vomiting and arguing? - very immature.

SleepingBeautySnores · 31/12/2023 23:06

If this occurs again tonight OP, I would tell the BF to leave first thing in the morning. Tell him that you feel that his behaviour while staying with you this time has been extremely rude and inappropriate, and that he needs to think long and hard about that, before he will receive another invitation.

If you tell him he can't ever come again, it's highly likely that your DS will side with the BF, and strop off with him, and before you know it the BF will have full control, and you won't see your DS for months on end. Please be careful not to play into his hands.

If your DS asks for him to come and stay again in future, you can then say 'I think it's too soon', or maybe if asked after a longer period of time 'yes, he'll be made welcome, BUT he may only stay 1 night (or whatever you're happy with) and if he is rude or difficult in ANY way, he will not be welcomed again'. That way your DS can see you are being fair and reasonable, and hopefully will see this lad for what he is, and dump him in the meantime.

middleeasternpromise · 31/12/2023 23:07

I would avoid commenting on the relationship or the friendships and would stick to basic facts. It sounds like your son would not normally show this level of disrespect in the family home so I would address that. BF or Friend makes no difference, your son has asked you to allow him to have guests and they are his responsibility - he should be cleaning up after his guest and certainly not allowing inappropriate behaviour. He needs to tell his BF to go home and apologise to you and the other family members for what has been going on.

If you start commenting on the relationship and/or BF directly you risk diverting the discussion into who gets to tell who what about their personal relationships. If you stick to the problem - which is disrespectful and rude behaviour in your home - that is valid and cannot be disputed.

flawlessandfearless · 31/12/2023 23:10

@darknessandash how old is the boyfriend if he's in foster care? Do his carers know where he is?

You have to be firm and tell him it's time to go home. If not call his foster carers.

alpenguin · 31/12/2023 23:10

Is this the autistic boyfriend?
if it’s not then someone has posted a near identical post not that long ago.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/12/2023 23:16

Sometimes kids need you to make the decision because they can then save face. It's much easier to blame you for the boyfriend going home than for your son to tell him that he wants him to go home. I would just say that he has to go tomorrow and the agreement had only been until Thursday. I would just say that I wanted my house back to myself and I didn't want drunks and arguments in the house.

AGoingConcern · 31/12/2023 23:20

You would be incredibly unreasonable to allow this to continue. It’s not fair to you, your younger children, or your DS who (while an adult) is still learning how to manage adult relationships and set healthy boundaries.

It would be reasonable to ask the BF to leave now or you can give them one last opportunity to change their behavior. Make it about the behavior that is not acceptable for any guests in your house, not about the person. If the BF is welcome for daytime visits absent the unacceptable behavior, make that clear as well. Offer a brief explanation of why you are not willing to have it in the house, but neither your DS or his BF need to agree with you, so don’t try to persuade them or allow them to open it to debate.

Separately, have a very calm, straightforward conversation with your DS about acceptable behavior for an adult family member living in the house. Open and close it with reminders that you love him and he’s wanted at home, and you want his friends and BF to be able to come for (happy) visits.

OfficerChurlish · 31/12/2023 23:22

They had an argument and when I asked them to stop shouting at one another and to be respectful of DS’s siblings DS told me not to get involved.

Your son involved you by having the argument where others were disturbed by it. You might have decided to leave them to it if it were just you being impacted, but as you explained to him it was the whole household. If your son is normally considerate and respectful, then it sounds like he's somehow unaware of how having his boyfriend there for a long and open-ended period impacts everyone else. Tell him. And yes, it sounds like it's time for the boyfriend to go, at least for now - even if he were lovely, he can't stay forever.

LaurieStrode · 31/12/2023 23:25

FFS. You are letting an abusive tosspot dominate your home? Why? Truly, ask yourself that question. Why?

Rainbow1901 · 31/12/2023 23:29

I'd be telling DS that BF is no longer welcome at your house - end of!!

Pack his BF's stuff for him and leave his bag at the front door to show that you are serious. Any MH issues are for him and his foster carers to sort - it is not your issue however sympathetic you may have been in the past. He has now outstayed his welcome!!

ConciseQueen · 31/12/2023 23:35

Don’t confuse the issues with other stuff about the details of their relationship.

Just say, I am upset about the mess and vomit. I need my house back and BF needs to leave now.

DomPom47 · 31/12/2023 23:37

It is your house and you have yourself and young kids to think about so why on earth would you think you would be unreasonable to ask this person to leave your house?

Divastrout · 31/12/2023 23:38

OP Though I agree that the boyfriend should be thrown out..
You really need to try and figure out how much your DS is invested in this controlling relationship because, if he is that invested are you risking isolating your DS?
A frank and honest conversation with DS is needed here. Please keep calm but mostly advise DS and keep doors open for him. As if he is very keen to keep relationship going, are you at allowing disrespectful BF to isolate DS even more??

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2023 23:47

You tell, not ask him, to leave. His behaviour-puking, having arguments and waking the dc-is very inappropriate.

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