Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS’s boyfriend won't go home

109 replies

darknessandash · 31/12/2023 21:06

My eldest DS is 19, been in a relationship for a year and half. Boyfriend lives 2 hours away but they see each other around 2 weekends a month, either DS goes to him or he comes here.

I have no issues with him staying for the weekend although I worry about the relationship as he has mental health issues and he seems to use that as an excuse for how he treats DS a lot of the time. DS has a friend that's told me he doesn't let DS out of his sight when they go out together and constantly is holding onto DS. She has said DS seems uncomfortable but I've spoken to DS and he has said he's fine with it, and has now stopped speaking to her and some of his other friends who seem to have an issue with the bf.

He came here 2 days before Christmas as DS wanted him here and I agreed, he was in foster care and is still living with them but he isnt close to them and has told DS he feels like he's in the way a lot of the time. So I thought agreeing would be a nice thing to do for both of them.

It was fine until boxing day when they went out drinking and the BF was very drunk when they got back and was shouting at DS and waking my younger 2 children up. DS apologised and said he'd speak to him the next day, which he did but I had no apology or anything. He was due to go home Thursday but said he'd changed his mind. They both(i suspect mostly bf) made a mess in the kitchen and both didn't clean it up. They had an argument and when I asked them to stop shouting at one another and to be respectful of DS’s siblings DS told me not to get involved. They went out again last night and came back drunk which woke me up. I didn't go down to them but this morning I found out one of them had vomited everywhere. It had been attempted to be cleaned up (badly!). DS said it wasn't him and his bf said he cant remember.

They've gone out again tonight and I have a feeling it'll be the same. WIBU to just ask his bf to leave?

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 01/01/2024 12:30

blackfluffycat · 01/01/2024 12:27

Did you only read the title before replying?

Aah sorry, went back to check and yes I did miss the 2 hours bit

MeridianB · 01/01/2024 16:43

It’s not just about his vile behaviour, it’s about the abusive tendencies and the importance of your DS knowing this isn’t normal or right. Plus your younger children.

Not sure if you have a partner living at home - perhaps they can help you get rid of BF?

Riverlee · 01/01/2024 16:48

Catsmere · 31/12/2023 21:23

Definitely make him leave.

He sounds like he's isolating your son from his friends. Alarm bells right there.

This!

HamBone · 01/01/2024 16:56

Talk to them when they wake up and say that the festive period is over now so you need to get back to normal-and bf needs to go home tomorrow. You can talk to your DS about their behaviour after bf has left.

Notimeforaname · 01/01/2024 17:04

Just tell him to go op, it's your house and you don't want him there.
He is disrespectful to you, your son and the rest of your family. He's also using mental health as an excuse.
I'm sure he's had a hard time of it but he is not a child and most of all, he is not your child.

HamBone · 01/01/2024 17:08

From your DS’s perspective, it’s positive that he really wouldn’t be able to move in with his bf as he can’t be persuaded/coerced into doing it.

Objectively, I feel sorry for the bf as I’m sure you do. Growing up in foster care can’t have been easy and he’s probably possessive towards your DS, because he’s afraid of losing yet another person. But you have to prioritize your DS’s well-being.

Catsmere · 01/01/2024 20:17

Notimeforaname · 01/01/2024 17:04

Just tell him to go op, it's your house and you don't want him there.
He is disrespectful to you, your son and the rest of your family. He's also using mental health as an excuse.
I'm sure he's had a hard time of it but he is not a child and most of all, he is not your child.

This! It never fails in these threads. "He has mental health issues" always turns out to mean "he's an abuser".

darknessandash · 01/01/2024 23:25

I only managed to speak to them this evening as they went out not long after they got up and I was giving my younger children lunch.

I told them I want BF to leave tomorrow, DS argued and said they have plans etc. BF didn't say anything but DS has said I've upset him.

OP posts:
Vinrouge4 · 01/01/2024 23:30

darknessandash · 01/01/2024 23:25

I only managed to speak to them this evening as they went out not long after they got up and I was giving my younger children lunch.

I told them I want BF to leave tomorrow, DS argued and said they have plans etc. BF didn't say anything but DS has said I've upset him.

Well boo hoo. It’s not your problem. You have been hospitable long enough.

stomachameleon · 01/01/2024 23:30

@darknessandash in the nicest way possible.... tough shit.
Come on op you need to get control back.
You need this to be non negotiable. And put some boundaries in. Before you gain a lodger you can't get rid of!

Notimeforaname · 01/01/2024 23:34

That's fine if he's upset. He will get over it. It's your house, not his.

LilBooThang · 01/01/2024 23:39

darknessandash · 01/01/2024 23:25

I only managed to speak to them this evening as they went out not long after they got up and I was giving my younger children lunch.

I told them I want BF to leave tomorrow, DS argued and said they have plans etc. BF didn't say anything but DS has said I've upset him.

And they've upset you too ... in your own house!

theconfidenceofwho · 01/01/2024 23:39

Not your problem - tell him to leave as the level of disrespect is too much.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/01/2024 23:40

So what if you've upset the boyfriend? He needs to get a grip and realise that if he behaves badly, there are repercussions and consequences.

AuntMarch · 01/01/2024 23:47

Bf should think about the upset he's caused instead and think himself bloody lucky he still had a bed there tonight/last night!

DeepDarkBlue · 02/01/2024 00:01

You've been very nice! The boyfriend sounds awful.

Hayzl · 02/01/2024 00:02

Well done op, glad you've spoke out.

Enough is enough and if you didn't speak out now it'd be a month or 2 down the line and much harder to do.

Thanks for the update let us know how it goes.

Also you are doing right by your son although he may not see it now.

spanishviola · 02/01/2024 00:03

darknessandash · 01/01/2024 23:25

I only managed to speak to them this evening as they went out not long after they got up and I was giving my younger children lunch.

I told them I want BF to leave tomorrow, DS argued and said they have plans etc. BF didn't say anything but DS has said I've upset him.

The BF has upset you. You don’t get to behave badly and then feel upset when you are asked to leave. Put yourself first, OP.

sesquipedalian · 02/01/2024 00:04

So they make a huge mess, one of them is sick, they have an argument and disrespect you and disturb your younger children and you’re worried about upsetting them??? Sorry, but the bf needs to go, and you need to tell your son that while his friends are welcome for a couple of nights, you don’t want or need them to move in.

Cherrysoup · 02/01/2024 00:10

darknessandash · 01/01/2024 23:25

I only managed to speak to them this evening as they went out not long after they got up and I was giving my younger children lunch.

I told them I want BF to leave tomorrow, DS argued and said they have plans etc. BF didn't say anything but DS has said I've upset him.

Tough, it isn’t your ds’s decision, nor is it the bf’s house. What you say goes, so in the morning, I’d be all ‘See you soon, make sure you have everything, bye’. No ‘nice to see you/see you soon’ or anything then a boundary chat with your ds, max 2 night stay in future etc.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2024 00:49

DS argued. But did they clean up the kitchen?

Tonight1 · 02/01/2024 01:12

The boyfriend does need to go, you need to stand firm. DS father any help with this?

HamBone · 02/01/2024 01:30

Honestly, he’s been staying with you for 10 days, you’re not a hotel.

Catsmere · 02/01/2024 02:02

BF is studying for a degree in cocklodgery, isn’t he?

Tonight1 · 02/01/2024 02:14

There's nothing like a guest who has outstayed their welcome! And that's without vomit, shouting and messing up the kitchen

Swipe left for the next trending thread