This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

My DM is now in her 70's, she retired at 60 in good health and has never had our DC for a sleepover. Ever. Yet I remember sleeping over at both sets of GP.
She's a lot of disposable income and would rather be shopping and going on holiday. I kind of get it, I don't want to be doing regular childcare in my retirement either, but the very odd sleepover would have made all the difference.

Ageist generalisations v Research

Wow that’s really helped me @Æthelfled

My maternal grandmother practically brought us up. As the eldest I was the easiest to send to her so spent even more time with her than my siblings. My other grandmother was in Ireland so had less input but more than once had care of my sister and I at her home for the whole summer.

Neither of my (still young) parents did much with our DC and were certainly not to be trusted unsupervised. My F was only safe to babysit if his partner was there, due to drinking and my mother would get hostile about age appropriate needs. It was such a contrast to my very capable and dependable grandmothers and it has upset me at times but I never made the connection

Should add, they're 21 and 18 now!

OP, your grandmother sounds wonderful. You are lucky to have her in your lives. As for your parents maybe they don’t feel as though they can ever be as good as her? Just a thought …

Oh yes, not seen anyone in weeks!

I didn’t grow up with any gp’s, it just seemed normal to me. My dad’s parents died before I was born, my mum was estranged from her mum and her dad disappeared out of her life when she was a baby. I’m a boomer parent and I think a very good one (despite their reputation on here) but not a gm myself yet. I’ll definitely want to be involved with them though if it does happen (eventually) even if I’m going around on a Zimmer frame!

It’s one of the reason I don’t think I want children. Like you most of my childhood memories involve my grandparents but my parents couldn’t be less interested in supporting their children. If I had a child I’d be so sad they wouldn’t have grandparents like I have.

@icelollybrolly this is about attitude more than actions isn't it? You just want them to be interested in their grandchildren?

My parents both worked when ours were little, and later we lived abroad. But they were interested in having a relationship with them, and are close to them to this day ( my DC are adults now).

İt is sad that they don't seem interested but I don't think you can make them be so.

I hope you're prepared for your post and your link to be studiously ignored

OP are you my sister 😂

My mum does this - barely sees the kids (which is fine) but posts about the wonders of being a grandma on a daily basis.

When I do talk to her she also says things like “Well that’s not like your DD” and I have to bite my tongue to not say “You have no idea what my DD is ‘like’”.

Its weird because we used to spend the whole school holidays at our GPs house - 13 weeks of the year! They lived far away too and we’d just be there the whole summer.

It’s fine my mum doesn’t wanna babysit or see them much, TBH I prefer it that way for various reasons, but then don’t pretend you’re Grandma of the Year or get huffy when the GC don’t want to FaceTime on a whim when you decide you can be arsed calling

I agree

Same for me. Some of my friends have very hands on g-parents but mine are not interested. Straight up no when we ask a favour for say an hour if I have the dentist, no reason given. I’ve had to let it go so I’m not too pissed off about it

Do you get on with your parents? A few people have asked this and you haven’t answered.

I’m curious because your posts about them suggest you don’t like them very much. Which is fine, you don’t have to like them. But if there is a fractured relationship with them they will be aware of this. If I thought someone didn’t like me very much I’d keep my distance - and keep my distance from a grandchild because sure as eggs is eggs, nothing I do would be right.

I haven’t seen my MIL for years and my DS only saw her recently because he goes to uni quite close and was visiting his uncle who was going to see her anyway. I think my DD last saw her 2 years ago. We haven’t see the FIL since 2009. My parents live abroad so they see the grandkids whenever we visit and traditionally have them for two weeks every summer. My mum would love to see them more often - but I’m very very close to my mum and I feel that makes a difference.

Of course! Je suis Boomer!

Standing in solidarity. My mum does fuck all whereas my dad who I’ve recently lost would be elated to have my dc.

mum has absolutely zero excuse but that’s another thread.

I agree completely, We are also grandparents who do 2 days childcare a week.
All my grandparent friends do this too. You just cannot say it is a generational thing.
We are retired but a lot of grandparents work.
If you don’t want pictures of your children on SM tell your parents. My children don’t want this and have told people so.

Have you read the threads on here about MIL’s (grandparents) overstepping…
No wonder there are many who don't help.

I work full-time, demanding job, weekends are spent cleaning, food shop, admin, etc etc. I'm knackered!

YANBU

I'm GenX and had younger Silent Gen parents who were very involved in my children's lives (they are now teen and young adult) just as my grandparents were. My DM died when they were young and her greatest regret when she was dying was not being there for her grandkids (my Dsis have kids too). My MIL is older Boomer and she's always been hands on and helpful w/ my kid but her Boomer partner gave her hell about it and it actually caused problems in their relationship because she wouldn't give up far away vacations if it meant missing a grandkid's event or holiday. Today, my DDs are old enough where they can't be forced to visit grandmother, but her close bond w/ them while young has made it where they seek out her company on their own and love her a great deal.

I see younger Boomers acting this way a great deal - that their lives are meant to be lived as they see fit and grandchildren are this occasional experience. My Dsis has a younger MIL who truly is a pathetic grandmother - she never worked (rich husbands) and visits grandkids at the worst times for my Dsis but brags about what a great grandmother she is on her socials (so fake). Sadly, the kids aren't close to her and they also don't have our mother for a grandmother as she's passed. So, my DH and I (we're middle aged) do a lot w/ our young DNs so they can have a grandparent figure in their lives. We're from a Scandinavian background and for us, extended family helps out and isn't selfish, so I do judge some grandparents of today. I don't understand them at all and I'm of the same age of this new crop of grandparents.

You’re going to be arguing with a lot of people on this one, it’s pretty common knowledge boomers take everything for themselves then pull the ladder up behind them. Maybe you’re one of the exceptions but if it wasn’t a thing it wouldn’t be so prevalent

Common sense at last! OP can vent to her heart's content about her own parents, but what gives her the right to generalise about an entire generation? I'm in my early 60s, no grandchildren as it happens, and guess what - other people my age are different from me! And always have been, all the way back to playgroup, just as everybody in OP's generation, whatever that may be, is also an individual and not identical to everyone else of the same age.

When my Mum was growing up, she lived a long way from all her grandparents and saw little of them. When I was growing up, we lived hundreds of miles away from my grandparents so saw little of them. When my children were growing up, one set of grandparents had died and the other set lived hundreds of miles away, so we saw little of them. Three generations of our family therefore had no regular help with childcare from grandparents. Those who did have the good luck to live near enough grandparents to be able to see a lot of them should appreciate this has never been a universal experience.

Solidarity! ✊

Modern children are generally quite loud and badly behaved, maybe that is something to do with it? I find it jarring when children are throwing balls in the house, climbing all over the furniture, constantly shouting and crying about the most minor things. Talking about age 4 and above, not little toddlers. Many parents don't expect children to eat at the table or play quietly while adults are talking rather than needing constant entertainment. When we were young we had to behave when older people were around (and yes it was sometimes very boring but that is life!)

What utter nonsense.

That's a really weird take and not one I've heard before. What makes you say that?