This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

I’m a GP now as step son and his wife had a child but we have limited contact due to many factors not necessarily within our control unfortunately.
my own parents have been awesome
Grandparents to my teens and used to help
out with childcare where they could as we both work full time and I retrained into a different career 10 years ago when DC were very small. PIL weren’t In a position to care for my DC due to their ages and health issues but my kids still loved visiting them.
my own grandparents were very much loved but my maternal GP never looked after us even though relatively local but my paternal GP used to take us on holiday (they had a static caravan by the sea) and we would stay weekends when my parents had to work.
I never assumed my parents should look after my kids. I think circumstances are individual. I do think it’s a shame some
GP miss out though

Like you, I used to spend an awful lot of time with my nanna growing up, and she was the age then that my mum is now, difference being is that my mum still works full time - my nanna gave up work when she had her kids, so she had much more time and much more energy.

It's rubbish that they don't come and see the kids or ask after them though, there's no excuse for that! I agree with PP's about not sending pictures anymore though

YANBU
Totally feel this too- our in-laws feel so cold towards our daughter- feels like such a lack of care and thought that I’ve now come to the point of- why bother? No Christmas present, card or phone call. They are retired btw.

if they don’t phone or message or visit, I won’t be sending updates and memories.

it feels like a priority shift- they care only about themselves, and no longer about ‘keeping a family together’ maybe as if ‘their shift is over’- ‘been there done’ that even though we don’t ask or expect childcare but just actual interest in building a relationship and spending time getting to know our child!??

@icelollybrolly

How often do you invite them around to spend time with their grandchildren? Invite them for a day out (with you and the children) to the beach/the farm/ a NT place or whatever you do? To come round to yours for an afternoon of crafting and snacky tea? Or lunch and a trip to the park? Are they being invited and declining? Or are they just not offering to take over your parenting duties at the weekend?

If they work full time, it's not remotely reasonable to expect them to be providing childcare at the weekend. If you want them to be included in your family activities, then include them!

I'm a GP aged 62 next year still working PT nights in a stressful job NHS.

I provide childcare for my dgs whom I adore he is just over 2 yrs. I love being with him taking him out shopping and to the park and soft play.

I don't do FB so don't post anything anywhere of what we get up to. Why would I care that a neighbour or friend sees what I do with my gc.

As for the baby boomers are a useless bunch as is often portrayed on MN. Do I care what anyone thinks 🤔 No.
My child had gps who lived nowhere near us so yeah we did it all ourselves and just got on with it whilst working FT. I didn't think I was hard done by either.

OP I get what you're saying about your parents not having any real interest in your children but don't tar us all with the same brush. There are a lot of fantastic GP'S out there helping and taking interest on a daily basis.

Sorry you drew the short straw with your parents.

My grandma was definitely not the cuddly type. She was a very stern stand offish woman.

I never once spent a day with either set of grandparents. They were old and they lived too far away. Also, neither of my grandmother's had been very hands on mothers - one had nursery maids and a governess for most of the nitty gritty and the other had a live-in relative to handle a good deal of day to day child wrangling.

Otoh, I spent a lot of time with uncles and aunts who lived closer, and still have fond memories of fun with my cousins.

I think it's a shame not to foster relationships when both parties have so much to gain. My parents made an effort to take us to visit both grandparents and we loved seeing each other. The cousins, aunts, and uncles I spent so much time with as a child are still very close to me and my siblings.

My own GP were dead/disabled by the time I came along. DH used to go to his for tea and some basic childcare in the holidays. Nothing exciting. His own mother avoided the GC as much as possible. Her house was filled with pictures of them though so everyone thought she was an amazing GP. It’s such strange behaviour.

I have a friend who went to her GM Friday to Monday every single weekend. She was moving home and basically made the suggestion to her DM about having her DC. Her DM said no, I don’t know anything about children, I’m not that interested in them, I wanted my own life, your choices are not my problem. My friend had always assumed history would repeat itself.

When I was a kid, grandad worked but grandma didn't so was able to look after us and spend time with us.

I now have a DD and her gran and grandad both still work full time.

It's a different situation and I'd imagine there are lots more grandparents now who are still working.

🙄

My parents are the same, my step nan practically raised my sister and I. My parents have had my DS once (he is 4) my MIL on the other hand has him every other Saturday for the full day and once a month they’ll have a sleep over. She also works term time and will have him more depending on her schedule. I have a great relationship with my MIL, we do lots of things together, we have her over for dinner regularly and she is close to DH. My parents pretty much wiped their hands of me once I turned 18, they “fed and clothed me, and kept a roof over my head” which they felt was adequate parenting.

Because child care is fucking boring.

My parents are 70, both still work full time and regularly take one of my kids for a weekend, babysit etc and see us loads. They and the kids both get so much out of it.
I hope I'll be like them if I'm lucky enough to have grandkids one day.

Another thread about grandparents not stepping up! Give it a rest.

So how many generations are we talking about on here that were shit parents? In what specific ways were boomers shit parents?

I’m split in the middle of this one because my owner mother is what you’ve described (56) and will only do childcare if I beg and lay it out that I need her. Equally I never spent any time with my grandparent in the way you’ve described, so it’s normal for me.

on the other side DHs grandparents were 90% instrumental in his upbringing, his mothers grandparents were too and she had a full expectation that see will raise my kids.
We’ve had to find balance but I was shocked to see a helpful family tbh.

Agree @saraclara …!!

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with your opening post- they couldn’t be bothered to parent their own children when small (hence sending you off to your grandparents) and now don’t want to grand-parent yours

My parents were still working when we started a family and then they retired to the coast. My husband's parents were also still working then they retired abroad.

People do what they want to do with their lives and you don't get to decide for them.

This is so widespread it must be considered a sociological effect of the rise in retirement age. Especially for women. The lower quality of private pensions these days is probably also a factor and lower wages in relation to the cost of living.

If we keep voting for the Tories we won't be able to spend as much time as we would like with our grandchildren either.

YANBU @icelollybrolly. Feel free to vent about your parents' lack of interest in you and their grandchildren and generally selfish behaviour. Hopefully, they don't expect your children to suddenly be interested in them when they are elderly and frail. On the positive side, your own grandmother sounds utterly lovely.

Sad for your kids, and frustrating for you OP.

But ridiculous to make such generalisations.

My parents were brilliant parents and excellent hands on committed grandparents.

So many of my friends are taking in so many childcare responsibilities for their DGC, because they want to and because they recognise that their D.C. are struggling with housing costs etc.

But these GPs are also the first generation of women to work til 66 and 67 before getting state pension.

Your parents were not attentive parents and have carried on that way. Not surprised you feel sad and bitter but it really isn’t fair to take nasty ageist pot shots.

That’s quite sad really. You and your children have missed out on so much.

I also disagree that this is in any way a generational thing though. There are many wonderful and involved grandparents of the current generation.

I dont understand it either. I adored my grandparents and lived for going there. If I had a grandchild I'd love to have that relationship with them.

For those of you with grandparents who don’t see kids, does that mean that you are not seeing your in laws /parents either? I see my Mum about 3 times a week. Either me going there or her coming to mine.
Rude of them to not be keeping in contact with their children too!

One thing I forgot to mention is that you’ve got to be pretty laid back about grandparents refusing to obey any rules if they play big part in kids life. They’ve got one over you there… want my help? Then piss off this is how we do it 😀 It’s absolutely not possible to have good grandparents and grandparents that will obey nap times,not give excessive sweets and obey bedtimes. The two just don’t go together, you have to accept this in the end