This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

MIL: loves being involved, does loads with them, takes for outings, fun grandparent.

My mum: loves coming round, so she can nitpick what we do / how we parent and scoff about how she would never have done x,y,z. Barely gets involved with kids themselves.

Deep sigh.

I fully expect this to be ignored too. But I'll post it anyway

https://www.informationnow.org.uk/article/grandparent-issues/#

I am with you.

My nan and granddad practically bought me up I was there so much.

My mum is insufferable and completely self absorbed - me, me, me again! And the in-laws are the same except they also give a lot of unsolicited advice.

My children rarely see their gp , and never speak to them on the phone or anything. They can go about 3 or 4 months without any contact with each other , which I think is a long time for young children.

What gets me is that they used to be Foster carers and they mention this a lot . But I suppose it's different when you get renumeration and and the praise is good for the ego.
But ,as it's been said, you reap what you sow.

In answer to the question, yes , they see their adult children. My kid's gp are my in laws , they contact dh regularly because often they need a favour from him .

I have a question for those who have grandchildren, do you make regular contact with them ?

There is no such thing as ‘this generation of grandparents’. GP’s aren’t some specific age group, they don’t have a special group name like Gen X, Boomers etc. My cousin was a gm in her thirties, I’m in my early 60s and not yet a gm. It’s all down to individual family dynamics, geography, health, attitude etc.

It's possible that "this generation of grandparents" have lives of their own not entirely focussed on their grandchildren? Just a thought.

my in laws do this and then moan they don’t have any relationship with their grandkids

But why should it be life? Why should you be so intolerant of children acting in an age appropriate way?

My mil helps us out maybe once every couple of months by having both kids because at 2 and 5 they're a lot for her together so we don't ask her to have both unless she asks to have the.. She has our 5 yr old once a week after school, drives him to gymnastics and sometimes takes him for a McDonald's for dinner on the way home. He has suspect ADHD and some other health issues but she does her best. Our 2 yr old on her own is no bother at all. Just a very settled wee girl who is happy to potter round the shops with them or whatever so they take her out now and again on her own

That said, she constantly complained she didn't get to do regular childcare, her mum had her boys every day she worked when they were wee, why didn't we want her being our primary childcare. Then post COVID she had each of them a day a week while we worked due to lack of available nursery provision... Long story short I had to drop a day at work because it just wasn't feasible. She couldn't get here on time, couldn't deal with the day in her diary each week and the having them all day. She quickly realised we weren't keeping them from her, we just knew she was offering more than she realistically could do. Her mum looked after her kids, she'd less hands on childcare experience than most teenagers, when her kids didn't sleep her mum stayed the night and did the wake ups.

So now everyone ribs along nicely, she gets a few hours every week where she's mostly watching a gymnastics class and eating a McDonald's, our wee boy feels special on granny day, we have 1 day less after school care to pay for and if the toddler has a cold and can't go to nursery she'll come cuddle her on the couch for a day here and there. I think we've now got a perfect balance for us.

I do think a lot of her generation had their mum's doing a lot of childcare because they were the first generation to routinely work full time and therefore they didn't actually gain day to day childcare experience as parents.

I’m now grandparent age although my children haven’t had children.

I’m working full time and utterly exhausted. At my age, my mother and MIL had been retired and were in excellent health. I am neither.

I have a question for those who have grandchildren, do you make regular contact with them ?

Mine are small, so I don't contact them directly. And I'm also at pains not to intrude and seem needy. But one way or another I see then at least once a week.

Now I have a question for those complaining about grandparents. Do you regularly contact the grandparents and invite them to come along to activities or family outings? Do you invite them to your house, just because?

I believe it takes a community to raise kids. Yes, yes - it’s primarily the parents responsibility - I get that. Grand parents and extended family in general should be active in raising children, to my mind. I for one will be super involved, to the extent I can be, in my grandchildren (and great grandchildren’s) lives. If others don’t wish to be - it’s on them and they can take the consequences.

@icelollybrolly has ignored all comments from us boomers because our replies do not fit her agenda!

When given the choice between a man and her grandchildren, my mum chose the man (he’s a convicted child abuser). She decided she didn’t want to see them again and skipped off into the sunset. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You can’t choose your family, but you can choose how much you let them impact you and your dc. My own grandparents were lovely, but dh and I both have mums who have picked dysfunctional relationships over family, so our dc won’t ever have what we had. It is what it is. I try to surround them with other special people who love them.

Omg...what does this even mean?

You grandma was older. She was probably retired and quite possibly didn’t have access to a lot of activities outside (or inside) the house. Looking after grandchildren was probably one of the few things she could do with her time

Is that what you think of all retired people? What about childfree people who don't have grandchildren?

My own parents are fantastic grandparents. Never judging, always helpful. They seem to just sense when we need help and offer it.

In-laws are also keen to be involved but too old to be quite so hands on.

It’s not a generational thing. My own grandparents were far more judgemental and significantly less engaged.

It's very much a case of getting the balance on both sides over time and tricky in the beginning so I se what you're getting at. My mil when my eldest was born became completely batshit, would walk into the house without knocking, complain if she wasn't invited daily etc, it took literally 3 years of boundary setting and awkward conversations and caused a lot of problems in our relationship as Nd particularly for my husband bonding with our first baby because she was just always there and he couldn't get a minute. As I say we have a nice balance now but it's not easy when the mil is drunk on being a new granny and all full of rights and 'my baby' this and that

Mine made it clear they are not free childcare on a routine basis but are happy to babysit when needed and offer to take DC out of their own volition.

MiL offered to have DC whilst we worked when I was pregnant but now always has an excuse why she can’t have them, complains when she does have them and complains she doesn’t have them enough, despite always saying no when we ask.

Swings and roundabouts!

My children rarely see their gp , and never speak to them on the phone or anything. They can go about 3 or 4 months without any contact with each other , which I think is a long time for young children.

Isn't that as much down to you as down to them @Mairzydotes ? Why don't you facilitate your children calling them? Why don't you invite the grandparents to visit?

I regularly get random video calls from my four year old granddaughter. Her mum originally initiated and facilitated them, and now they mostly seem to be initiated by DGD who randomly asks to call me.

I think she means back in the 80s, certainly my granny who lived rurally didn't have a lot of access to activities outside the home and still had a disabled adult child at home. The expectations of women who had been homemakers back in the 60s and 70s didn't really include raging it up after retirement age.

Mores the pity. My mum died at 56 and I wish, a decade later, that she was still here, not to look after my kids but to enjoy them and to reap the rewards of raising 5 lids who'd love nothing more than to be spoiling her in her old age.

Oh dear, more ignorance. I’m a so called Boomer. How I grew up was a world away from now. No central heating, washing machine, fridge, nurseries, etc etc. My mum worked so hard and also had a part time job. My lovely parents were literally brought up by Victorians as they were in their forties when they had me. My grandparents had all died by the time I was a young child. When my parents became grandparents they did their best but their health wasn’t good as they were well into their seventies. I never expected childcare and was just greatfull for their love and I was also well aware of how exhausting grandchildren can be. I’ve always worked full time and brought up my three children as a single parent. Now I’m a grandmother in my seventies. I love seeing my grandchildren and help as much as I can, it’s a four hour round trip driving to see them. I have to cope with osteoarthritis and struggle with the weight of lifting the toddlers from their cots and the clips on their buggies and car seats. If they have colds it does concern me because it’s much harder to shake off cold viruses at 73. Generally as grandparents we mostly do the best we can. As a previous poster said, grandparents now don’t get to stop work until late sixties. It’s such a shame that some on here are just stoking up resentment and division. OP, are they just doing the best they can manage? Do you have help from your in-laws? Some grandparents just aren’t up to it I suppose….

Because when you have very young kids and a lot of responsibilities often I clouding working full time chasing up elderly relatives who can't be arsed is another chore.

This thread just keeps on giving

I’m sorry that this has been your experience but my children are fortunate to have two pairs of very loving, involved grandparents and this is replicated across the vast majority of my circle of friends. The odd few who don’t have this have made comments about their childhoods which suggest that they had uninterested parents who turned into uninterested grandparents.

Maybe they'd be arsed if you showed the slightest interest in them? Or does it only work one way?

My mum does so much with my kids when they go to her house, far more than I do with them! My kids are very lucky and very loved.