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Original poster

This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

875 replies

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:35

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

OP posts:
saraclara · 31/12/2023 19:47

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 19:42

True. Everyone coming on here saying how you can’t tar them all with the same brush blah blah but I don’t actually know one person who doesn’t feel this way in my circle of friends or family.

Show quote history

And as I said further up, all my friends of my age are doing regular childcare and adore their grandkids.

However they vary greatly in how much their efforts are appreciated by the kids' parents. The friend who's most knackered by looking after her two grandchildren under five, three days a week only does more than she can cope with, because it's the only way to see her grandkids.

Jingleballs2 · 31/12/2023 19:47

I agree.. with both sides. Although to be fair my parents rarely sent me to my grandparents for childcare or time to do things for themselves. Plus they aren't in great health. The other side just can't be arsed, and dh was always at his grandparents when he was young

Whattodowithit88 · 31/12/2023 19:48

That generation consisted mostly of shit parents, I too was at my grandparents most the time, so what on earth makes you think they won’t be shit grandparents too. Definitely one of the most selfish generations to walk in the earth in so many, many, many ways!!

Cerealkiller4U · 31/12/2023 19:49

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:35

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

Many many grandparents are looking after their grad children full time

mine do not. One has them about twice a year. The other never at all……

I feel your pain. However there is nothing I can do. I have no family help so I do everything myself

InShockHusbandLeaving · 31/12/2023 19:49

Firstly, you can’t make people care. You can get them to do all sorts of things but you can’t get them to feel things they obviously don’t feel.

Secondly, I see post after post on here about dreadful, interfering DMs and MiLs, far too many to mention. So it seems to me that women, for we are mainly talking about women if we’re honest aren’t we, simply cannot win. Want to spend time with your grandchildren and you run the risk of being slagged off, don’t spend much time with your GC and run exactly the same risk!

It always makes me feel sad for grandparents who want to meet their newborn GCs and are held at arms length for weeks on end and then, later down the line, expected to give up three days a week, or whatever, to look after the same GC because they’re not quite as “precious” once their parents return to work.

I don’t think there’s any correct amount of time, in the manner of Goldilocks and her porridge, it’s so individual and the wishes of the two parties involved obviously don’t always coincide.

Snuggleyou · 31/12/2023 19:49

Exactly, and I’m talking about my own parents, step parents and in laws although the in laws were better parents to my ex and much betters grandparents to dd, but get very awkward about babysitting duties. This is coming from the same generation who make their oldest child mini parents to their younger kids, making them babysit their teen years away whilst they go out partying, but won’t return the favour down the line. I know so many like this too.

eatreadsleeprepeat · 31/12/2023 19:50

I would love to live 2 minutes from my GS! I am very lucky and remember my grandmother teaching me to knit and cook, my parents were very hands on, involved grandparents, think outings, listening, wisdom etc. I hope to be the same but at a distance.

Bertiesmum3 · 31/12/2023 19:50

myself, siblings and cousins used to go to my grandparents house every week for tea after school
i used to work nights when my first 2 grandchildren were younger and I used to look after them during the day to help my daughter out, I now work days and see them twice a week in the school holidays with my daughter and we will go out somewhere, my daughter will call in occasionally with them to see me during term time, I very rarely actually look after them now though.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 31/12/2023 19:51

They work but have every weekend free

Seriously? So you should have downtime at the weekend after working all week and have a break from your kids, but your parents should give up their only days off in order to give you a break? Really?

saraclara · 31/12/2023 19:51

FourFourOne · 31/12/2023 19:45

Unbelievable! I feel for all the grandparents on this thread who are doing so much for their grandchildren and have to see posts like these two. Entitled is the word

Show quote history

Thank you.

I won't recount the details of why I've had my three year old granddaughter for most of the last week, as it could be outing. But I was happy to help and relieved that I was able to, during a family emergency. And because she's used to seeing a lot of me and having the occasional sleepovers, she was comfortable and managed the situation better than most would.

So yes, it sickens me too see such awful generalisations about people like me.

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 19:51

And also what about them stingy grandparents that say “I can only take one at a time as it’s too much for me” … when they’re still young and in good health. If my Mum ever tried that she’d have been laughed out the house.
Not only did she have all her own grandchildren but she could often be seen with a whole bundle of kids as she took their friends too. She even had sleepovers at hers. This has all reminded me that I ring her and tell her what an amazing childhood she gave them.

Justfinking · 31/12/2023 19:52

Whattodowithit88 · 31/12/2023 19:48

That generation consisted mostly of shit parents, I too was at my grandparents most the time, so what on earth makes you think they won’t be shit grandparents too. Definitely one of the most selfish generations to walk in the earth in so many, many, many ways!!

Imagine what the generation of kids now will be like as grandparents!! Non existent I'd say given how they are being raised to be selfish and entitled by their equally selfish and entitled parents (generally speaking of course)

PurpleSilverPetal · 31/12/2023 19:52

SpudleyLass · 31/12/2023 18:39

They're not obligated to care for them and you're not obligated to facilitate the relationship for them.

I have empathy - I do think our generation has been screwed over with this, but all you can do is accept the relationship on those terms.

Your generation hasn’t been screwed over, so much in life has changed.

People need to work to pay off their mortgages, perhaps both husband and wife work, and work for much longer

My own friend’s parents, and former colleagues, took early retirement at 50 !!

I won’t get to retire until late 60’s, and I have to say, I’m tired now, and spend every weekend, catching up with the things I can’t do all week

People have been more used to leisure time than previous generations, and as you are finding out, people have been seduced by social media.

Families move away from each other, perhaps families were more intertwined years ago.

We don’t see my husbands families at all, and I could walk past his relations and not even know them

Iwanttowantto · 31/12/2023 19:53

My in laws are not close by but they are pretty dedicated grandparents. Unfortunately they drive me up the wall so I don't take advantage of it all that much! My
parents are too busy living their own life and seem to have lost their confidence (appetite) around nappies completely. I'm hoping they may be more interested in a few years time but they are also getting on rather :-(

feellikeanalien · 31/12/2023 19:53

I can't decide whether some people on here are being goady or are just ignorant.

thecatsthecats · 31/12/2023 19:53

It's interesting with our ILs. MIL is happy to have him for photo ops and events that really don't suit him, but she full on cries and tells us that he's her whole world along with her sons.

I don't need him to be her world. A nice, regular, positive relationship would be fine. And don't cry about how precious he is, but then ask us for meet ups that really don't suit him and not give a fuck when we say it doesn't work.

I get it. Small babies are pretty boring in their schedules. They are the height of unreasonable. But either fall in line so you can see him, OR stop the tedious crying and manipulative comments.

Santaiscomingsoon · 31/12/2023 19:54

My grandparents (my parents) are retired and they are still rubbish at visiting. They seem to tell everyone what amazing grandparents they are but honestly they are pretty awful. I do
not have a village. However I have learnt how I can going to different if I do get to be a grandparent so for that I can be grateful.

mycatsanutter · 31/12/2023 19:55

@icelollybrolly sorry your parents are like this , at least your kids will have lovely fond memories of your grandma, she sounds amazing for her age. I became a grandma very young (39) and spend as much time as possible with my granddaughters . Do your parents have a really busy social life / lots of hobbies ?

notquiteruralbliss · 31/12/2023 19:55

When my DCs were born, paid maternity leave was 6 weeks and, as the main earner, I went back to work. Nannies and DCs looked after DCs during the week and I muddled through at weekends. It expect grandparents to help with childcare and wouldn't have wanted their help as it would have meant accepting their (outdated to me) approach to childcare.

Now I'm a grandparent but I also have a full time, full-on job ,and adult DCs living rent free at home. I don't have the bandwidth to provide regular childcare, but would absolutely help in an emergency. However, its a running joke with my DCs that I'm useless with babies small children. If help were needed, DH (who also works) would be a much better bet.

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 31/12/2023 19:56

Your parents have done the whole child raising thing, why would they want to do it again?

Conkersinautumn · 31/12/2023 19:56

Just meet the energy, if someone doesn't ask to spend time with you, they don't want to. Why waste effort on people who are not interested? Why put your kids through it? Grandparents don't bring any value that I've seen in other families, just obligations and backstabbing at the school gate.

shellyleppard · 31/12/2023 19:56

Yep I feel you. My parents were never the cuddly type of grandparents I grew up with. The older my boys got the less time they spent with my mum and dad. My mum passed away just over a year ago and my youngest (15) is really struggling with the grief now

IvorTheEngineDriver · 31/12/2023 19:56

Æthelfled · 31/12/2023 18:44

If you spent most of your childhood with your grandparents that should have given you an indication that your parents don't like children and would make awful grandparents

I agree. The writing was on the wall that they would not be "hands-on" GPs from your childhood OP.

Sonolanona · 31/12/2023 19:58

Well I'm a granny.. late 50s... I look after my toddler grandson up to 4 times a week (that can be from 6.30 am to 10pm as DD and her dh are nurses), and we do gymnastics, toddler groups, soft play. I also still work part time.

I adore him and do it because chld care is impossible with their shifts. I love it when he sleeps over and I wake with him curled up beside me.

But I am knackered by it.. if I was mid 60s-70 I don't think I would be able to do as much as I do. I'm lucky that I'm reasonably fit, and happy to help.

I had zero help from anyone with my children... 4 aged 5 and under!! So it's not 'this generation of grandparents' ..it's individuals doing what works for them.

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 19:58

“Your parents have done the whole child raising thing, why would they want to do it again?”

How are they raising them? They are spending time with them? They are different things. Why would you not want to be around and nurture your own flesh and blood and help your own children. What’s better than that?