This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

It is all very well complaining about how little GPs do for you but how many of those complaining are also of the opinion that parents and ILs shouldn’t interfere with the way you bring up your children. That they are your kids, your rules and wow betide any interfering grandparent who does anything to contradict your (sometimes bizarre) expectations of how things should be done. This is the other well worn issue on MN. But you can’t have it both ways. It is no wonder that some GPs choose not to engage when they fear that everything they say or so will be wrong. Just have a look at some of the other threads on MN to see what I mean.

say or do

i get that where that’s the case but i don’t really give rules other than safety related - e.g. no coats in the car seat, no blankets for baby at bedtime, cut up or avoid choking hazard foods. but those are reasonable rules - if any grandparent is getting tetchy over reasonable rules regarding safety then that’s weird of them

It's not unreasonable to expect grandparents to help. It makes a huge difference to the grandchildren's quality of life if the grandparents are active and involved. My eldest had 4 living grandparents when she was born and only one has been interested in helping and being involved. She's the one who is still working! The others are interested for short visits where they get given cups of tea (the second most helpful has since died) but don't want to have to do anything that might be regarded as effort and won't tolerate any cranky behaviour. It's frustrating to me when I see what a huge difference helpful grandparents make to children and parents lives but it's a roll of the dice....you can't make them do it. I do think grandparents have a responsibility to their grandchildren and I hope if and when I'm a grandparent I will be active and involved. I now have 3 children and have noticed the help drops off with each child....it's much easier to mind one quiet easy child compared to three boisterous ones!!

Nothing like tarring everyone with the same brush. I have my very nearly 7 year old sleeping upstairs this is because school has taken inset days this week. I also ask DD if they want us to have him at school holidays, I've also picked him up from school and brought him home so DD and her DH can go out on Saturday.

I'd also do this for my DS family but they live a couple of hundred miles away and youngest GD doesn't like me that much.

Oh wow I thought I was the only person who felt like this! Exaclty the same for me.

Reading a few of the comments I’m really not sure why it’s got so nasty. Op was stating their experience which quite frankly is exaclty the same as mine. Op, I blame my mums new partner

You are a genius. I had never ever thought of it like that either. Given this thread has got so nasty, I have the same experience as op, this has really hit it on the head and makes so much sense (while making me feel a bit stupid for not figuring it out sooner)

It got nasty because of the title. If OP had titled it:
"Disinterested grandparents - vent with me please" ...it would have been a whole different thread. But she didn't. She titled it:
This generation of grandparents - vent with me please
Thus making a huge negative generalisation about the generation that is (factually) doing far more regular childcare for their grandchildren than the generations before it. And on a forum that many grandparents who are doing just that, regularly read, and post on.

Of course those of us of that generation who love, are involved with, and care for our grandkids are going to react.

OP's problems (which are very real and which I sympathise with her about) are with her particular set of parents. But that's not how her OP title reads.

But you still want to tell GPs what to do and not to do don’t you. You still want to have your rules. In other words you do not trust the people who brought up you and your partner to be sensible enough not to put your child at risk. If I felt my DD didn’t trust me with her children I wouldn’t look after them and everyone would miss out on what is a very beneficial arrangement all round.

Do you really think parents should turn a blind eye to grandparents who are not following basic safety rules?

If a grandparent couldn't manage an adult-adult chat where a parent said 'please make sure they are not in their coat in the car seat' that's a good warning sign there's trouble ahead.

The parents' rules trump the grandparents'. That's just how it is. If someone can't be relied on to follow basic safety stuff, the baby can't be left with them. It's a shame but that's just how it is.

Awful post, what an entitled point of view. Parents work, maybe not financially comfortable, do not have lots of time free (or with much energy) to look after the grandchildren in the way OP wants. They want their weekends to be a bit of a rest and when they spend time with grandchildren it is not to do flashy stuff they don't have the energy or maybe funds to accommodate. No talk of health, don't know many people in 50's that don't suffer some sort of add on issue or 2. My memories of grandparents was them not things we did, but guessing OP's grandmother memories was of someone who didn't work and probably a bit of a rose tint in time spent.

Sensing a bit more to this after similar conversations recently from a couple of mums wanting more time off to be young and not caring about anyone else.

When it comes to no coats in cars and slicing grapes yes. This was something new they didn't know about.

When I get to be a GP, if I do, I'm sure there will be new safety advice I don't know about and will be happy to be told.

God the Facebook thing would enrage me. I'd stop sending them photos, and ask them to stop putting any photos of my kids that they do have on social media.

My MIL is just like this. My husband even lived with his grandma for a bit when he was 10 whilst my MIL and FIL were busy being selfish and irresponsible.
My MIL has undiagnosed ADHD. She has no interest in anything if it involves effort on her part. (No reflection on normal people with ADHD).
her Facebook is also filled with photos of my kids. She will come round, take a selfie with them sitting together hugging and then ignore them for the rest of her visit.

No, i don’t trust them completely because their way of doing things is not safe. The first time they had my <1 year old child she came back in a forward facing seat wearing a giant puffa coat. So yes, that does have to be corrected because otherwise if they had a crash my daughter probably wouldn’t come back the next time.

Thats absolutely not unreasonable to set rules that are safe.

Your post is awful. Because you evidently haven’t read half the thread.

• they are financially comfortable
• ’to look after grandchildren the way op wants’ did you read the bit where i said i’d be happy if they even just phoned and checked how the kids are? or let my toddler join them on an already-planned dog walk around their estate maybe once a month?
• health is fine. in fact it’s mine that isn’t, i’m immunosuppressed and have 2 severe conditions so actually if anything could they not be more understanding of their daughters health? or does it not work that way?
• my grandma worked full time as a uni lecturer, as i’ve said i think 3 times now.
• i don’t want to ‘be young and not care about anything else’ i want my children to have a good relationship with their grandparents. i don’t want to have to see my toddler crying saying why can’t i go to grandma and grandpas house and me having to make up a lie rather than the truth (they don’t want you there) it’s shit. i’m really not asking for much.

It's funny isn't because if you asked someone to look after a dog and they said oh yeah I gave him some avocado and chocolate because he wanted it I know it's dangerous but it's my house my rules and I know you said don't let him out off the lead but I wanted to so I did it anyway you'd think they were careless and irresponsible but when a mum sets guidelines and boundaries for a child, she's seen as being overbearing and doesn't deserve the help if she can't toe the line.

omg exactly!!!!

Omg yes . It's having to make up excuses to why the kids can't go to their grandparents when they ask , it's heartbreaking

I’m a few years on from you. I remember I was cross at the lack of help when my kids were younger. I think mine babysat 3 times ever. I accepted it, paid for childcare, generally let them fill their time as they wished and didn’t bother them (there are a ten min drive away). Mum retired very early, dad part time as no money issues. In good health. No barriers at all for seeing the kids.

Now some of mine are adults and even the youngest can be left alone.

My parents also not only never helped with the kids, they never expected to help with their elderly parents. They had hard boundaries and didn’t do anything.

However, now my own parents are getting older the contact and needs are raising. They think me/ the children are all so local we’re on tap for help. Lifts, talking stuff through, DIY, organising, worrying about the future.

NOW I’m annoyed. They wanted no childcare, no helping any relatives, lived the live that suited them. I didn’t interfere, left home as a teen and got on with it. But they suddenly remember the old values as they age. Tbh we’re heading for a big fall out about how I’m not caring. They see me with adult children and a network of friends I built all working together as I wanted this. They see if I need something I have help, they don’t. Reality is kicking in for them, they have long term health conditions that are a barrier to driving. Partly lifestyle related.

This is so true!!

If, as you say, your parents own an estate do they not also have staff who could help them with their grandchildren? I can see that taking them for a walk around their grounds whilst exercising their dogs wouldn’t be such a big ask if they are wealthy enough to own a big tract of land because they must have help looking after it.

Absolutely agree with this. You reap what you sow imo, DH and I have been discussing moving a few hours away instead of being so close (mostly because we want to regardless) but also because I’m not being the sibling who cares for the parents as they grow old if they can’t even be a stable figure in my children’s lives - my sister who they jump through hoops for despite her outwardly telling them they’re awful and she hates them can do that or they can pay for care, just like how I pay for childcare!

Op I don't think this is a generational thing. My parents and in laws who are all in their 70's are amazing grandparents who completely adore the children and are very involved. So are all my friends parents. Some not so much due to distance but still have good relationships when together.
I think unfortunately your parents perhaps just aren't into children and they are younger and still working. My parents and inlaws were all retired when we started having children.
I would perhaps have a conversation with them about how you feel, as you never know they may want to be more involved or at want to do days out etc. With you also as a whole family rather than going out with just the children. Do you go and visit them with the children much? May be that could be a start.