This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

You are either projecting because you know your post came across as selfish or your reading comprehension isn’t very good.

My child was originally in a mix of childminder and nursery to cover full time hours, with my mum doing a couple of pickups for me per week only. When my childminder quit out of nowhere, my family (who love and support me as family is meant to do) offered to pick up the slack. I did not ask at any point, the help was OFFERED! I’ve suggested multiple times about requesting more hours in nursery now she’s a bit older and they have told me not to bother, as they WANT to help.

My mum has a full life, with hobbies she enjoys, I have never stopped her from doing anything. She loves her grandchild and the bond they have is unbreakable. When the time comes, I’m sure you won’t be able to say the same.

None of that sounds unreasonable for a grandparent to offer. I'm discussing more the issue on regular, ongoing childcare for the parents to work, in place of regular paid childcare. I would do all those things you've described above without hesitation.

My post is not selfish. Doing childcare for children needs to be something that works for both parties. Yes, sometimes I can give up my things to help out but it is also important for me to have work and things in my own life. I'm more than a grandma. I'm not going to live at the beck and call of my children when they have their children. Always in an emergency or time of real need of course.

It's good that you are all doing what works for you and fortunate that your parents have the capacity to do it for you. My parents were both working full time when I had young kids. They needed to. No chance of childcare and it would have been unreasonable of me to expect it. they had to tend to their lives too.

It seems to me that your pain around the lack of interest your parents have in your children is related to the wounds in the relationship that they caused when you were a child.

In other words, maybe having children yourself has made the shitty parenting that was inflicted on you undeniable. Maybe you'd like to heal and you believe your parents could redeem themselves by being good grandparents. You want to believe the best of them even though they treated you badly as a child.

My advice to you is to get a counselor and talk about the hurt they caused you, and how to deal with it so it isn't an ongoing open wound and you can stop hoping for them to show a better side that might not exist.

Hope can be toxic.

Your situation sounds very sad OP. Your parents don't sound like they were very warm parents (and aren't great parents now). You're now disappointed to see this for your children from their grandparents. Do you think it's realistic to think they would be different? I also think counselling might be good for you to work through some of your feelings towards your parents. Honestly OP, their life sounds very dull and not one I'd aspire to at their age.

I was very close to my own gran but hardly see my mum. She has never babysat for us despite saying she would when I was pregnant with my eldest. I think she is still annoyed that I wouldn’t let her keep him overnight when he was a newborn. I don’t actually want her to babysit, but would be nice if she would at least visit the kids. She has came to my house once in the last 2/3 years and it was only because my sister was here visiting. She lives 5 minutes away. We did go visit her but inevitably she just sits on her phone ignoring us.

Gosh there are some poor excuses for parents out there. I'm sorry your Mum is like that. That must be so hurtful.

I'm a GP and spend a lot of time with my DGS - in fact he's tucked up in bed upstairs right now. He sleeps over once a week and comes after school a couple of times through the week till my DD finishes work. However, I'm in my 40s - I doubt I'd be so willing in my 60s/70s!

I'm also self-employed and WFH so that helps!

I don't think it's a generation thing it's just an everyone is different thing.

My parents hardly see my kids, despite living 10 minutes away.
Last year they told dd they'd take her somewhere (my dads fave place from when I was a kid). DD would ask me when they were going to take her.
Each time they spoke to her there was either no mention of it or they would say yes they needed to sort that out if she asked.
Eventually i called my dad and asked him specifically to take her that coming weekend as she had been asking for so long and I was unable to take her (kids theme park and I was pregnant so couldn't ride.)

MIL is a very involved gparent. Provided routine childcare for all of her gkids. She and FIL have them all for sleepovers a few times a year. They're absolutely the 'go to' if I need some help. Has loads of kids toys, books, games. Very happy to help with out of the blue request for help if I ask. Frequently tells me to call or txt if I need her.

It's actually easier to get help from MIL than DH. Sad but true.

DHs gparents were all similar to his mum and dad. In that he and his siblings spent time with their gparents and had sleepovers.

I saw my mums mum a few times a year (she was not in a position to be a carer by my childhood), saw my genetic dad's parents once or twice a year on a family visit for an hour or so.
My dad's (technically my step dad) parents weren't gparents to us at all. They never treated us as gkids and we didn't think of them as gparents.

I have a friend who's parents are very involved with her kids, her former in laws very little, her boyfriends parents treat her kids like gkids. It's so lovely how great they are with them.

So it really is very individual in my experience.

Sounds like a good chat about what’s best for the kids and some give and take over how this is achieved might be helpful? I don’t think what you’re proposing sounds unreasonable and it’s good you are focussing on the kids and what they could benefit from here! We moved house and our DD got really angry because she no longer was getting on tap free childcare and seemingly this is our real value not the actual time spent with the GCs. We are more than happy to have with lots of contact so the kids don’t miss out, albeit it different types of contact than before, and plenty of face to face help in school holidays. This however requires flex from our DD and some appreciation that we have a life beyond GCs too but that doesn’t mean they need to miss out either.

They don't sound great OP but if you spent more time with your grandparents than your own parents that could be the answer,maybe their just not great with children or aren't sure how too look after them if your grandparents did alot of the caring for you when you were younger.

My parents didn't do much for my DC despite the fact that my Nan looked after me loads when I was growing up but now we're grandparents me and my DH are very hands on,we've just had our DGS4 with us for a week over Christmas and it was brilliant and so far all of my friends that are grandparents are amazing with their grandchildren as well.

It is a shame that your parents aren't more hands on because I can honestly say that spending time with my GS is worth it's weight in gold.

Why do you assume all grandparents are like this?

You're not sure how? Really? You've allowed scores of posts to spew bile re Boomers, as per usual. Didn't correct them at all - until I asked you if you even knew what gen your parents are from and suggested it was Gen X.

But dearest @icelollybrolly, as you rightly pointed out in the first paragraph of your post, they barely showed much interest in you as a kid, they’re hardly going to kick start themselves into something they never were.

they are not your loving caring grandparents sadly,

But it doesn't matter whether they're boomers or gen X.
OP's parents seem spectacularly crap. I'm not arguing that. Where she's wrong, from her OP title onwards, is to assume that the whole of their generation, whichever it is, is just like them. And they're not, as statistics show.

Sorry but I really think totally different worlds. My parents have to work full time if they didn't basic bills wouldn't get paid. Back when my grandparents were around my grandma did not work only my grandad things were cheaper then. But I will say regardless of working full-time my parents are very good usually call to have our 3 toddlers maybe every other weekend or randomly pop in when off work to play with them or take them for a walk. But I never expect it or ask because I'm the parent. But it's certainly appreciated when they do help and the little ones do adore there grandparents

If people want to make themselves the victim in my post then how can I stop them? Have you noticed the people spitting venom about ageism etc are not actually reading the post in the first place and seem to think I want free full time childcare? I never mentioned boomers.

I get it.

I have a 9 month old, my parents haven’t visited me since he was 7 weeks old. I’m expected to go to them. Granted, I’m a 1 hr 45 min drive away. They’re retired and have some minor caring responsibilities, but not every day stuff. I don’t want nor expect childcare, it just hurts that they haven’t made the effort to visit.

By contrast, MIL has significant caring responsibilities and works term time but rearranges things to make the effort to visit regularly (similar distance).

I guess if someone really wants to do something, they can find the time.

YANBU I feel the same. Grandparents today don’t even want to choose and wrap their own gifts anymore either - it’s all down to us to do.

No matter what random label is given to the generation, you started and continued this thread making generalisations about an entire older generation.

It is clear that you had inadequate parents in your childhood, and it is very sad to see your Dc deprived of the close happy relationship you had with your grandmother. But it doesn’t make it OK to generalise.

I have a friend who offloads her children to both sets of parents non stop. She even compressed her hours at work to have a day off to ‘help with childcare’, dumps the kids with GP and has a day out without them or goes off for the long weekend. What’s worse is she complained about how PIL brought up DH but is happy for her children to spend all their time there.
I can’t see in 20 years that she will be looking after her GC that much.

My own parents are fine with gift giving (buying things for the kids seems to be one of the only things they do) but yes agree - in-laws forgot to even send a card for my daughters first birthday and didn’t even text saying happy birthday to her. 😅 It’s one thing when they’re a baby because they don’t know but am I hell going to let my kids grow up to think it’s okay that their own family don’t even care enough to send a happy birthday message.

Well okay but as I’ve said previously this thread isn’t a debate about the use of the word generation. It’s for other parents in a similar boat to vent about their own situation.

So true! I was 67 when my eldest Gdc was born, and although I’ve done regular childcare in the past and still do one-offs/emergencies, I find it just too tiring to do any more now.

I don’t think most parents in their 20s or 30s realise how tiring childcare can be when you’re getting on a bit. I’m sure I didn’t, not that I had any GP help, though that was almost entirely down to living a plane ride away.

I’m with you OP, my parents are similar.

I don’t think grandparents are obliged to offer free childcare. But I do think that living long enough to see your children have their own children, and being in good health for it, is an absolutely enormous privilege. Some people don’t even live to see their own children reach adulthood. Or even to see them start school. To be given three of life’s greatest gifts - health, longevity and family - and to have no interest in your children’s children is really odd behaviour to me.

I think previous generations may possibly have been more aware of what a gift long life and health are, rather than seeing them as a given.

I can’t say what I’ll be like if I reach that stage in life but I do know that if my children have children, and I’m alive and in good health to see it, I’ll be so grateful for it and I won’t forget how lucky I am.