This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

48 hours is one thing. A week is one thing. A month or two is another. Then you're showing me my place in your family and don't be surprised when there is distance. However, I do think that it's a minority that do any kind of wait period. Every family I've ever known has just let visitors come when they may, for a short period, to share the joy, offer support and see how you are, meet the baby. It never interfered with 'bonding'. If anything, it bonded the family through shared experience.

Likewise, if you want me to do childcare for you but dictate terms that are not workable to me who is the one doing the favour, then don't be upset if I say no. Thinking here of the parents who want babysitting but won't allow their parents to take the child for a walk or to the park and expect them to hang around the home all day every day they are caring.

The way family treats each other in both directions affects relationships for better or worse. There are some disinterested bad grandparents just as there are some entitled and unfairly demanding grown children. Grandparents and grandchildren aren't extensions of you.

Why would you want these people to look after your kids? They don't sound suitable.

In my experience a smack was normal, time out was normal, this degree of things wasn't.

because they keep trying to gaslight me into thinking this never happened even though my sister and i have vivid memories of it and i often question whether i just exaggerated it in my head because we were young. and i know them now from a grown up perspective and don’t think they’d dare touch a hair on my child’s head

Wow so much venom. OP wants her parents to be at her beck and call. Judging by what I read she may have scared them away with endless rules and regulations regarding the children. She is probably tired and stressed. However most of my friends and colleagues who help with GC say they walk on eggshells all the time with DD or DIL, hold their tongue and expect to be put down or mocked of they dare to offer any snippet of advice. I'm looking forward to being a hands on GM but am worried that the excellent relationship I have with DD isn't damaged. Mind she isn't deranged like most of the posters on MN!

i’m baffled where you got that i want my parents to be at my beck and call from? and rules and regulations?

I think OP is very odd if she wants these abusive GP to even see her children. I would be NC.

Not you so much but a lot of people with these kinds of threads do seem to forget that their parents aren't extensions of them (when it suits that is) and don't have to be available whenever suits them. There's a lot of threads like it.

GPs are individuals with their own goals and hobbies and work and don't have to always be available. I think at this age you also start realising that your health may be on borrowed time so you better do some of these things while you still can.

hello? i replied to you so why are you typing as if you’re speaking to a wall? i’m not very odd, i know my parents very well and know they wouldn’t dare touch my kids. they were volatile in the past and are very different now. if i didn’t trust them i wouldn’t want my kids to be near them, no.

i would love to see my parents having hobbies but that’s not the reality here - my reality is that they’re choosing to sit and watch reruns of gogglebox for 10 hours a day over seeing their kids or grandkids

I’m always shocked at the amount of posts on Mumsnet that admonish people for expecting a wee bit of support from their parents, you know, their flesh and blood, the people that brought them into the world? It makes me wonder how the women who say “you’re not entitled to childcare” will be when their own children grow up and procreate. It’s very sad.

My granny and granda worked all their days, even past retirement, and I stayed over with them every Sunday night when I was very small and every Saturday when I got a bit bigger. When I got to my teenage years I changed it to a Wednesday as the weekends were for going out with pals. I saw them other days as well and was always welcome. They had 3 other grandchildren too, we were always together. My granny and granda were my favourite people in the world and I felt very loved. They’ve been dead for years now and I’m still saddened by their absence, even more so now I have my own child. I wish my baby knew them as they would have loved her so much.

My mum provides some childcare for me while working full time. My auntie helps out with my cousins children as well. And when my baby is older, if they choose to have children, I will help them out as well.

In real life I don’t know anyone with the attitude towards childcare and grandparent involvement that Mumsnet has. It’s very strange.

That's really sad at their age, but I guess their choice. Also their right to choose that over caring for your children, even if it's not what I'd choose. It sounds like they're not choosing to see you either? Is that what's hurting most? It sounds like they're old before their time really.

Young mothers seem to think their way is the only way. Yes there are important rules such as safety issues but flexibility is key if you want others to be around your children. I honestly don't know anyone who is remotely like the DM and MILs who get vilified on MN. All the 50 and 60 something women I know are reasonable and understanding and honestly, parenthood seems so stressful these days. I wish you had a better relationship with your parents as I didn't with mine and I suffered terrible episodes of depression as a result. My DM died exactly 2 years ago and I am now free of constant rejection I felt as she didn't want a relationship with me. Sorry if I offended you but sometimes being a grandparent seems like nothing you ever did with or for your own children was right.

Well this is the thing - if my mums colleagues or friends asked what she does with her grandchildren she’d straight up lie because she knows her lack of presence is crap. She acts like she sees them multiple times a week and takes them here there and everywhere on facebook to the point that I’ve started commenting like ‘i’m glad you like the photos i sent you of my trip to xx with the kids :)’ 😂 it’s unreal. They know it’s shitty

Big difference between "a wee bit of support" and providing regular ongoing childcare though!

I don't think people are entitled to grandparent childcare. I certainly never had any, not even much casual babysitting. My own attitude is that I'd be happy to discuss it with my own children if they wanted me to do some childcare, but it would be as fits into my life and on terms that work for me. i.e., days that work for me, no demands that don't suit me greatly. I'm not going to stop living my own life because I have grandchildren but would love to fit them into it in a positive way.

Yeah probably, it is quite hurtful. When I look back at my own childhood my memories of my parents are pretty crap - going into the town centre and walking around a few shops at best, basically. Nothing like farms or even free places like parks unless it was a birthday. And that’s not a financial thing either, they just obviously didn’t want to. I try so hard to facilitate a relationship with them between myself aswell as my children but I’m just slowly realising they don’t actually want one (but then complain if I don’t send them pictures of the kids for more than a couple of days?? make it make sense!?

As pp said, why would you want to leave your children in the care of people like this?

i’ve already responded to that question

Aww, I would love to.be a grandmother to your kids. Some people are just not worthy!!
Thems the breaks kid!!
Some of us would love kiddies in our lives and some of us cannot have that pleasure!!
Enjoy them, regardless xx
I

Well, it sounds like that have created an unfulfilling existence for themselves.

When they had kids they didn't know how to have fun with you. They went shopping

When they are in their own they watch Gogglebox

They don't know how to have fun with your kids. But live vicariously through photos your send and enjoy that. Perhaps not just to share, perhaps they enjoy looking at you having fun.

There's a famous poem that says "there fuck you up, your mum and dad". I wonder why the can't work out how to have fun, what were their childhood experiences? Almost certainly, they experienced the abuse you got. Maybe worse.

I guess my point is that they would be happier if they knew how to appreciate you. They sound lost and it doesn't mean there don't care. They might just not know how to engage. They are old, it might be hard for them to learn newer ways of thinking and options for then to engage.

I didn’t say people were entitled to grandparent childcare.

I don’t feel entitled to it but I get a lot of help from my mum and my ex stepdad actually. I didn’t ask for it, they offered in an effort to save me some money on nursery fees (she goes to nursery 24 hours per week, I work 35) and because they love and care for my child and enjoy spending time with her.

I think your post exactly sums up the gist of the OP’s rant. You won’t help your children unless it suits you, not just to make their lives a little easier or because you enjoy your grandchildren’s company. The essence of your reply is “me, me, me”.

i really don’t think they did have abuse in their childhood though - they speak happily of their childhoods. my great grandparents were/are brilliant and my parents have good relationships with them. and both my mum and dad have siblings who are wildly different in the way they live and/or treat their children/grandchildren. i have no idea why they’re like this, in fact my dad had a big health scare years ago and i made a comment that i was worried he’d send himself to an early grave and he said ‘maybe i want to die’. genuinely their lives seem so empty and that’s part of why i don’t understand why they wouldn’t want the joy of a couple of kids around them every so often who are full of happiness and positivity.

I have four grandchildren between 5 and 8. I was at the birth of two of them and have helped with childcare since they were born. I do school runs pickups mind them in the holidays or if they're unwell and as much as I love every bone in their little bodies at times it's exhausting. I gave up work because of health issues but it was much easier to sit in the office 😆 the other granny's are no help whatsoever they can just go off on holiday as as and when they want but we have to put in requests to their parents months in advance if we want to go anywhere. If I'm not feeling well I have to soldier on yet if one of the other GP's takes them for even an hour in months and months my kids say oh they're amazing and sing their praises. It really hurts I feel so taken for grantee but I'll carry on because I love my grandchildren and they love me.

Could they be depressed?

I just feel that aren't acting in their rational best interests.

Or perhaps it's more simple, they just don't like kids or know his to have fun

Actually, YOUR reply is 'me me me'. You want a grandparent to rearrange their life to suit you and give up their own loves an interests for your child? Did you check with your parents before you had a child to make sure they would be willing to do this?

I work on Thursdays and I have things I am committed to on Monday and Wednesday. I can't move them (would if I could). Therefore, I would say I am free to do childcare for you on Tuesday and Friday. If you need Monday and Thursday, I am not available to help.

No, I don't have to babysit if it doesn't suit me. I am also entitled to a life and choices. If anyone is upset that I won't give up friends, income and work to care for their kids I had no say in, then they are wrong and selfish.

Awww, you sound lovely. I'm going to sing your praises. I bet you GC do too and will have fond memories