Page 20 | This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

icelollybrolly · 2023-12-31T18:35:58+00:00

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

Cmonluv · 01/01/2024 00:51

saraclara · 01/01/2024 00:49

A week is nothing in Mumsnet terms. People on here talk about several weeks (I remember one who planned a 2-3 month exclusion zone!)

Believe it or not, when daughters go into labour, their mums are usually anxious and worried. They just don't let it show. I remember pacing up and down, and convincing myself that something would go wrong for either my daughter or the baby. Obviously I never told her that.

So yes, I desperately wanted to see my daughter and know she was okay. More than wanting to see the baby if I'm honest. I knew and loved my DD. The baby was, so far, a stranger. If I'd not been able to see either of them for two or three weeks, I'd have found it genuinely painful.

But I wouldn't have said so. Because we start on that journey of eggshells from the moment we become grandparents

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I hope if one of my children asks for space as an adult in those circumstances I can put my pain aside.

Also anyone I know who has asked for space has had very good reason for doing so. And most I know who have asked for space have asked for around 48 hours.

saraclara · 01/01/2024 00:52

@Cmonluv I've just edited to add a paragraph that you missed when you replied.

Original poster

icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 00:58

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 31/12/2023 19:56

Your parents have done the whole child raising thing, why would they want to do it again?

they didn’t really do it the first time though, my granny did 😂

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Cmonluv · 01/01/2024 00:59

saraclara · 01/01/2024 00:52

@Cmonluv I've just edited to add a paragraph that you missed when you replied.

Why eggshells? Why have you not worked on your communication and the ability to ask her what she needs from you and discuss each other's feelings?

doggiedude · 01/01/2024 00:59

@saraclara ,I really would stop engaging with @Cmonluv ..flogging a dead horse TBH ! Happy 2024 !

Original poster

icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 00:59

mrsm43s · 31/12/2023 20:00

@icelollybrolly

How often do you invite them around to spend time with their grandchildren? Invite them for a day out (with you and the children) to the beach/the farm/ a NT place or whatever you do? To come round to yours for an afternoon of crafting and snacky tea? Or lunch and a trip to the park? Are they being invited and declining? Or are they just not offering to take over your parenting duties at the weekend?

If they work full time, it's not remotely reasonable to expect them to be providing childcare at the weekend. If you want them to be included in your family activities, then include them!

i ask them all the time. we take the kids all over the place - they almost always get an invite but there’s always a reason they can’t (shuffling papers for the thousandth time/tidying the house/wont leave the dog for more than an hour/etcetc) they genuinely do not have any hobbies and rarely see friends. they just would rather sit in front of the tv all day

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chaosmaker · 01/01/2024 01:01

and that is up to them, surely?

Original poster

icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 01:02

KarenNotAKaren · 31/12/2023 20:19

OP are you my sister 😂

My mum does this - barely sees the kids (which is fine) but posts about the wonders of being a grandma on a daily basis.

When I do talk to her she also says things like “Well that’s not like your DD” and I have to bite my tongue to not say “You have no idea what my DD is ‘like’”.

Its weird because we used to spend the whole school holidays at our GPs house - 13 weeks of the year! They lived far away too and we’d just be there the whole summer.

It’s fine my mum doesn’t wanna babysit or see them much, TBH I prefer it that way for various reasons, but then don’t pretend you’re Grandma of the Year or get huffy when the GC don’t want to FaceTime on a whim when you decide you can be arsed calling

omg yes same here 😂 mentioned a couple of times about toddlers bedtime and my dad will scoff and say she doesn’t have a bedtime shes up til midnight, no she’s not!! how would you even know!!

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Original poster

icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 01:05

doggiedude · 31/12/2023 20:38

@icelollybrolly has ignored all comments from us boomers because our replies do not fit her agenda!

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it’s not an agenda, i just don’t actually care about boomers comments on a thread where it obviously says vent with me about your shitty parents. i’m not asking for a discussion im quite clearly asking for people in the same boat.

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SauronsArsehole · 01/01/2024 01:08

The grandparents now that don’t want to see their grandkids are the SAME parents that shuffled you off to grandmas house.

they didn’t parent you much what makes you think they’ll start now with grand kids?

Original poster

icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 01:08

RheaRend · 31/12/2023 21:13

Why do you not want to do things with your parents? Why is it about childcare and not 'family time' together as 3 generations having a nice time doing something? Maybe they feel like the only time you get in touch is to ask them to babysit and actually want to spend time with you and the kids.

nope. wrong. they decline every invite.

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Newmumatlast · 01/01/2024 01:11

I dont think its generational. I know plenty from my parents generation who do a lot of childcare and really love having their grandchildren, my parents included.

Flossflower · 01/01/2024 01:13

icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 00:59

i ask them all the time. we take the kids all over the place - they almost always get an invite but there’s always a reason they can’t (shuffling papers for the thousandth time/tidying the house/wont leave the dog for more than an hour/etcetc) they genuinely do not have any hobbies and rarely see friends. they just would rather sit in front of the tv all day

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OP your parents clearly consider their dogs their babies and don’t have anytime for your children.

Original poster

icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 01:16

AllAroundMyCat · 31/12/2023 23:02

Was coming on to say exactly this.

So many new parents don't seem to want grandparents visiting or turn to MN to vent their spleen because grandparents do things differently.

Yet complain like OP who seems to want time off!

Had no time off as parents/in-laws lived 200+/100+ miles away.

Now my adult children live 200+/100+ miles away from us in different directions.

So we had no care nor can we provide any care.

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time off 😂 read the bloody thread. i have my kids 24/7 and love them to pieces, all i’m asking for is that they have the same relationship with their grandparents as i had with mine or even a fraction of it!!

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raspberrycardigan · 01/01/2024 01:23

icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 01:05

it’s not an agenda, i just don’t actually care about boomers comments on a thread where it obviously says vent with me about your shitty parents. i’m not asking for a discussion im quite clearly asking for people in the same boat.

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Your thread is titled "This generation of grandparents".

It has attracted much anti-boomer sentiment.

But your parents appear to be Gen X - or do you not actually know the date ranges for the various generations you are encouraging others to slag off?

SALWARP2023 · 01/01/2024 01:23

Actually you are wrong. I'm about to become a GM aged 60. Most of my friends and neighbours looked after their own children, getting jobs suitable for parenthood as there was little in the way of childcare compared to today. Few nurseries and even fewer after school or holiday clubs. This was partly due to us having kids a bit younger so our parents were younger and still working and looking after their own elderly parents too. I hardly knew anyone whose parents helped a lot and mine certainly didn't. When they did they just took my DD to the pub! You have kids later, expect an amazing career, enjoy decent ML - I wasn't even entitled to any with DD in 1988 as I hadn't worked for my employer for 2 years. So if you want children that's great but expect to look after them yourselves and accept life is fraught, boring and tiring. You got to choose. Oh and don't tell me about how easy it was to buy a house either. My DH and I worked from 16, hardly had a holiday, shared a car and interest rates were 15% when my DD was born. No free childcare or universal credit. If we needed more money we fitted in some more paid employment. Honestly MN should be renamed Entitled Brats.

Cmonluv · 01/01/2024 01:25

SALWARP2023 · 01/01/2024 01:23

Actually you are wrong. I'm about to become a GM aged 60. Most of my friends and neighbours looked after their own children, getting jobs suitable for parenthood as there was little in the way of childcare compared to today. Few nurseries and even fewer after school or holiday clubs. This was partly due to us having kids a bit younger so our parents were younger and still working and looking after their own elderly parents too. I hardly knew anyone whose parents helped a lot and mine certainly didn't. When they did they just took my DD to the pub! You have kids later, expect an amazing career, enjoy decent ML - I wasn't even entitled to any with DD in 1988 as I hadn't worked for my employer for 2 years. So if you want children that's great but expect to look after them yourselves and accept life is fraught, boring and tiring. You got to choose. Oh and don't tell me about how easy it was to buy a house either. My DH and I worked from 16, hardly had a holiday, shared a car and interest rates were 15% when my DD was born. No free childcare or universal credit. If we needed more money we fitted in some more paid employment. Honestly MN should be renamed Entitled Brats.

Your post is like boomer bingo

Cmonluv · 01/01/2024 01:26

SALWARP2023 · 01/01/2024 01:23

Actually you are wrong. I'm about to become a GM aged 60. Most of my friends and neighbours looked after their own children, getting jobs suitable for parenthood as there was little in the way of childcare compared to today. Few nurseries and even fewer after school or holiday clubs. This was partly due to us having kids a bit younger so our parents were younger and still working and looking after their own elderly parents too. I hardly knew anyone whose parents helped a lot and mine certainly didn't. When they did they just took my DD to the pub! You have kids later, expect an amazing career, enjoy decent ML - I wasn't even entitled to any with DD in 1988 as I hadn't worked for my employer for 2 years. So if you want children that's great but expect to look after them yourselves and accept life is fraught, boring and tiring. You got to choose. Oh and don't tell me about how easy it was to buy a house either. My DH and I worked from 16, hardly had a holiday, shared a car and interest rates were 15% when my DD was born. No free childcare or universal credit. If we needed more money we fitted in some more paid employment. Honestly MN should be renamed Entitled Brats.

No wait, you forgot 'they didn't have autism in my day, a clip round the ear soon sorted that out...'

MerryBlueberry · 01/01/2024 01:28

@icelollybrolly your parents were the ones to dump you on your grandparents, so they aren’t going to want to see your kids. They sound un maternal and uncaring and I’m sorry they are that way to you all.

SALWARP2023 · 01/01/2024 01:29

No they did but we didn't endlessly label children because they didn't fit into life how we wanted. Every child has a label now.

Original poster

icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 01:32

also i don’t know where the stuff about hitting started in this thread because it’s said mnhq took it down but my parents hit me yes. used to chase me up the stairs slapping me and then lock us in a pitch black bedroom while we cried? and screamed at us and punched walls and all that jazz? but then that also doesn’t sound like an unusual experience for people my age sooo

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RheaRend · 01/01/2024 01:32

icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 01:08

nope. wrong. they decline every invite.

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Yeah I noticed it is still about you though isn't it? You want a babysitter, you want to go out, you choose where to go, your choice of activity....why not do what they want instead of it being all about you?

Original poster

icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 01:33

also they’re not boomers so not sure what all the boomer shit is on here. theyre gen x

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icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 01:35

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MamaDollyorJesus · 01/01/2024 01:37

icelollybrolly · 01/01/2024 01:32

also i don’t know where the stuff about hitting started in this thread because it’s said mnhq took it down but my parents hit me yes. used to chase me up the stairs slapping me and then lock us in a pitch black bedroom while we cried? and screamed at us and punched walls and all that jazz? but then that also doesn’t sound like an unusual experience for people my age sooo

Why the fuck would you want to encourage a relationship between them & your kids???

I had my fair share of clips round the ear as a kid but locking you in dark rooms to cry - fuck me they'd be lucky to know they had grandchildren!