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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

875 replies

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:35

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

OP posts:
seagull82 · 31/12/2023 21:38

Same... My dad will brag to anyone willing to listen about how brilliant his grandson is.. probably seen him 5 times in the last 10 years, it's embarrassing and has always upset me on my sons behalf (son is 21 now and counts me as his family, which I also find sad)

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 21:41

“What if you don't actually like them very much? As has been pointed out above, some of the current generation of parents are raising their kids to be feral little horrors.”

well you could start by wondering how you did such a shit job by failing to show your child how to bring up children that arnt little horrors. Sounds like you’ve got a lot of free time to mull that over 😀

allmyliesaretrue · 31/12/2023 21:41

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ManateeFair · 31/12/2023 21:44

YABVU and entitled. You chose to have kids. Your parents are not obliged to provide childcare or take them on days out. That’s your job. They did their child rearing decades ago and now it’s their turn not to have do all that stuff. Just because they have grandkids, that doesn’t mean they enjoy being dragged round kid-friendly attractions or spending hours in the company of children. It’s perfectly possible for a grandparent to love their grandkids without actually wanting to endure all the effort of having to look after them and take them on days out.

I’m not a grandparent but I’m an auntie. My sister and her partner were great at taking our nieces and nephews for days out, having them over to stay for the weekend etc. Her and her husband are great with kids. By contrast, I find looking after kids for more than a couple of hours to be a massive chore I’m ill-equipped to carry out, and DP literally knows no other kids. Doesn’t mean I love my nieces and nephews any less. I still have a good relationship with them get on great with them when I see them. Five of the six are now adults and two of them told me recently that they really valued me as an auntie, which was lovely of them. My sister is one kind of auntie and I’m another kind, that’s all.

allmyliesaretrue · 31/12/2023 21:45

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:35

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

Have you ever discussed this with your parents? I don't know any grandparents like this.

commonsense61 · 31/12/2023 21:47

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ManateeFair · 31/12/2023 21:48

This reply has been deleted

What a stupid thing to say. Utter guff.

reesewithoutaspoon · 31/12/2023 21:48

So your parents palmed you off on your grandparents and now you think they will step up and be grandparents to your children?. Why would they when they were barely parents to you. They were absent parents and now they are absent grandparents. Nothing has changed.

Squidlette · 31/12/2023 21:49

There's so much bollocks on this thread!

My mum was a boomer. She was, in many ways, a better parent than me. She was a fabulous gp. But everything in her life was geared towards serving others. My dad, not so much.
Fuck. That.
I'm an average parent and have no desire to be a gp. Iam happier than my mother was though. My kids are OK. They have no complaints.

Kids in my family, a few generations back, we're brought up by grandparents, older siblings and anyone else who could mind then for a few hours. No one had the luxury of developing lovely bonds with GPS, it was just about ensuring the parents could get out and earn money.

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 21:50

@ManateeFair

😂 You are absolutely dreaming if you think that you’re on an equal par with your Sister. Their just being polite.
Do you actually remember anything about being a child?? Person that actively gets involved in your life v’s person that can’t be around you for than a few hours. Even as an adult who enriches your life more? Person that loves being around you or person that can only handle you in small doses? Honestly, talk sense.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/12/2023 21:51

I love my GCs to pieces and enjoy spending time with them. I also had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents as did my own kids with my parents. However I never criticised them for doing things differently to how I did and I didn't tell them what to do with them either. The regular posts on here saying things such as my generation were shit parents because things were done in a different way than today, or the they should be taking a back seat they had their turn at being a parent and even the want a relationship with your GC then do as you are fucking told makes you bloody terrified to do anything in case you put a foot wrong.

Fancylike · 31/12/2023 21:54

I have similar with my husband’s grandparents. They’ve met our child just once, at a Christmas a few years back, but post every picture they manage to get their hands on. I didn’t know as we’re not even Facebook friends! It turned out another family member was forwarding them on pictures from our family WhatsApp. They like the attention of appearing to be an attentive grandparent but without the work (and joy!).

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 31/12/2023 21:54

My sister has a lovely daughter who has two smashing boys. Their other granny rarely bothers with them but her socials are covered in pics of them at fun times. Messages from her friends saying what a great and wonderful gran she is. WTF.
So jealous, as I would love to be a gran, what is wrong with these people!!!!

Bettyboop2530 · 31/12/2023 21:55

50/50 here - my parents are absolutely brilliant, very involved and will always help in any way they can. In-laws are on the opposite end of the scale sadly. They separated when my husband was a few weeks old so slightly different situation for them but my FIL has met my 8 month old twice and 2 year old a few more times than that and MIL not a lot more than him and she still asks about FIL as she can't stand him. MIL favourites my SIL's children too. It upsets my husband but as he says - they're the ones missing out!

RhubarbRhubarb23 · 31/12/2023 21:56

Yanbu and I empathize greatly.

My grandma looked after me from when I was 3 months old when my mum went back to work. My Gran used to do so much for me and I have the most wonderful memories of her and of being very young with her.

My Mum completely deprioritises my child and me. She doesn't work, has a hugely generous pension, and just isn't interested in us. She got a dog a couple of years before my ds was born as she was 'feeling sad she had no grandchild' and she couldn't be bothered to train the dog properly, and can't be bothered with us either.

It's ok now, I've come to terms with it and understand it's just how it is, but it makes me determined to be a grandparent who steps up if I am ever given the opportunity to. I'm more interested in supporting my family and spending time with them than I am anything else and it's been one of the biggest sadnesses of my life how little my Mum wants to be involved in my family life. Solidarity OP. We find our communities elsewhere.

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 21:57

In defence of grandparents there are also some bad parents that are overly demanding and controlling and want to run the time grandparents and children’s time together with an iron rod! There are some terrible grandparents but some terrible daughters / sons too.
If you want an involved grandparent you have to take the rough with the smooth. They can tread on your toes often, fuck up, be blatantly unwilling to obey any form of schedule or rules.
You can’t expect grandparents to want to be heavily involved if you are constantly telling them off like paid childcare.

Vonesk · 31/12/2023 21:57

I'm a grand parent and only see them rarely . Once or twice a year. This is not ideal. So when do I invite myself ???????
I don't know.
I m thinking get together at some major ' event' ?????????
= Not Invited.
They don't live nearby so it would a long journey, which I've taken to deliver birthday gift but ' not at home' it's not appropriate to chase them. They know where I live.

TrafficPoster · 31/12/2023 21:57

I haven’t RTFT but I think it works both ways.

Both in-laws and my DM help with childcare, when we’re sick or school pick ups (retired ILs) but we also have them round for Sunday dinners, footy matches, summer bbqs etc.

I also appreciate that whilst ILs are retired they have lives, even if that means they want to do bugger all some days.

DM works full time so sometimes we just pop up for a cuppa on the weekend, other times she’ll have DS for a few hours/overnight.

RedToothBrush · 31/12/2023 21:58

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 18:42

No, it’s not unreasonable to expect your family members to care.

Show quote history

I think it is really tbh.

You are lucky if they do, but I don't think you should expect it.

Mainly cos families are rubbish.

Thedogscollar · 31/12/2023 22:01

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Oh dear this makes you sound as thick as your emoji.
If we are to go by your insightful contribution your parents certainly did do a shit job.

4timesthefun · 31/12/2023 22:01

Very similar position here, so I completely understand your post, OP. Unfortunately some posters have latched on to the reference to occasional childcare and are making out like you want your parents to be full-time nannies.

I spent quite a bit of time with my grandparents growing up. They took me on holidays, I had sleepovers there, and they always came to my weekend sports and activities. I truly cherished those relationships and they absolutely enriched my life. The reverse was also true though, and they got a lot of joy and meaning from being grandparents. My parents are just like yours. I thought they might develop a tad more interest in the kids once they were older and doing different things and they could do the fun stuff like beach weekends or something. The disinterest has actually worsened over time.

I don’t really have any emotions about it and have accepted it is what it is. I’ll never understand how they are so disinterested and I do have pangs of sadness for my children that they don’t have those same extended family bonds I got the opportunity to have. Plenty of grandparents actually WANT to spend time with their grandchildren, it’s not a chore like going to the dentist. I don’t see how it isn’t a little sad that 0/4 of my children’s grandparents feel like that!

AloneIsGood · 31/12/2023 22:01

Everyone has a different experience. I never spent any time with my grandparents. I never really knew them. I've never been to their home as a child. My parents worked full time so needed time to relax in the weekend. I didn't consult them about when I had kids to check it worked with their life and plans, so it's up to me to manage it.

As for this generation of grandparents, I'm 50, old enough to be a grandparent, and I'd be different to my parents. I'd choose to be more involved.

I do think people age later these days. I don't work full time but, if I did, I don't want to give up every weekend when I love to go deep into the wilderness and keep physically active. I'd love to bring grandchildren with me for this, according to age appropriateness. If the parents say no though, I'm not giving it up.

Parents are also different these days too. They make more demands of how grandparents grandparent, so I don't blame some grandparents for backing off when they only get to follow rules and don't get to have fun with the grandchildren. It used to be more fun, now it's often childcare (which can be fun, of course).

I know someone who wants her parents to be childcare but it has to be at her home and they aren't allowed to leave the house with the child to take them to the park or for a walk. They can't do anything messy with the child. I can understand why someone might say no to that.

AloneIsGood · 31/12/2023 22:02

Thedogscollar · 31/12/2023 22:01

Oh dear this makes you sound as thick as your emoji.
If we are to go by your insightful contribution your parents certainly did do a shit job.

Show quote history

Most boomers are now in the becoming great grandparents stage anyway. Not grandparents. That's gen X.

Peoplealwaystellme · 31/12/2023 22:04

I am in a similar situation, both my parents don't work. I think the thing I crave the most is a bit of support every now and then, even if it's saying yes it's hard having young kids, are you ok kind of thing.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 31/12/2023 22:05

This poster is breaking my heart. I have 2 boys 26 and 22. I fear I will never become a gran.
I will be a nuisance, always wanting to babysit and cook for them all, do shopping and tidy up but not in an intrusive way, I would just be there....,...waiting to help.
God, am I too desperate 😫