Page 12 | This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

icelollybrolly · 2023-12-31T18:35:58+00:00

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

BustyLaRoux · 31/12/2023 21:12

My DM had no interest in my DC at all. She lived abroad and I live just 20 mins drive from the airport she would fly into. She had a little cottage an hour a half from me. Would fly into our local airport. Drive to her cottage. Stay there a week and then fly home without even telling me she was here! I’d only find out after she got back home. I’d ask why she’s not come to see me or her DGS and she’d make some excuse about the traffic or the weather (feeble!). I used to be upset about it. Couldn’t understand why she had no interest in my DS. He was only little. And this carried on for years. Then I had another DC and she had zero interest. My DB had a DD at the same time as me and he lives even closer to the airport! And still she would fly in to the U.K. and not even tell us. We wanted nothing from her. No expectations of childcare. She was a wonderful mummy when we were kids. I couldn’t have been more loved. But as an older woman she just had no interest in children it seemed. Nothing personal. It wasn’t that she didn’t like them as individuals. She just didn’t like children anymore. Apparently her DH (my DSDad) who doted on his DGC would talk about them often and she would tell him to please stop talking about the GC! I think we all found it a bit upsetting but I had to make my peace with it. She’s dead now and I don’t resent her for it though it’s a bit sad.

ThinWomansBrain · 31/12/2023 21:12

depending on your age/generation?
My GPs didn't look after us often, but my GMs didn't work outside the home, to have done so would have been really unusual; it was quite unusual for my own mother (60's/70's) - many GPs these days are working themselves. We went to a childminder, but as much as nurseries are expensive and hard to secure these days, I don't think there was anything like the same nursery school provision then.

RheaRend · 31/12/2023 21:13

Why do you not want to do things with your parents? Why is it about childcare and not 'family time' together as 3 generations having a nice time doing something? Maybe they feel like the only time you get in touch is to ask them to babysit and actually want to spend time with you and the kids.

LaurieStrode · 31/12/2023 21:13

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 21:07

I’d only be really pissed off with my mum if “hobbies” left her with no time to see her grandchildren. Make your grandchildren your hobbies for Gods sakes. Tennis? Art classes? Gardening? What are these hobbies that are more important that you can’t check in on your family? Family first, tennis second.

Seriously? Whoa, the entitlement is off the charts.

There's a lot more to life than childcare and child rearing.

We all get only shot at life. She raised her kids; that part of her adulthood is over and she has every right to enrich her life in other and more stimulating ways.

AuntieJoyce · 31/12/2023 21:15

icelollybrolly · 31/12/2023 19:01

Agree. I mentioned moving a few hours away and they were all woe is me who’ll look after me when I’m elderly - yeah ok, who supported me in the throes of postpartum and motherhood? Off to the care home you go at this rate.

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You’ve jumped the shark there OP

rockpoolingtogether · 31/12/2023 21:15

Agree. Just spent a week with my parents over Xmas. At one point my mum said "I could while away so much time playing with him." Except she didn't!

LaurieStrode · 31/12/2023 21:16

BustyLaRoux · 31/12/2023 21:12

My DM had no interest in my DC at all. She lived abroad and I live just 20 mins drive from the airport she would fly into. She had a little cottage an hour a half from me. Would fly into our local airport. Drive to her cottage. Stay there a week and then fly home without even telling me she was here! I’d only find out after she got back home. I’d ask why she’s not come to see me or her DGS and she’d make some excuse about the traffic or the weather (feeble!). I used to be upset about it. Couldn’t understand why she had no interest in my DS. He was only little. And this carried on for years. Then I had another DC and she had zero interest. My DB had a DD at the same time as me and he lives even closer to the airport! And still she would fly in to the U.K. and not even tell us. We wanted nothing from her. No expectations of childcare. She was a wonderful mummy when we were kids. I couldn’t have been more loved. But as an older woman she just had no interest in children it seemed. Nothing personal. It wasn’t that she didn’t like them as individuals. She just didn’t like children anymore. Apparently her DH (my DSDad) who doted on his DGC would talk about them often and she would tell him to please stop talking about the GC! I think we all found it a bit upsetting but I had to make my peace with it. She’s dead now and I don’t resent her for it though it’s a bit sad.

I think it's pretty misogynistic to expect women to want to revolve their lives around young children for decades on end.

She reared hers and moved on to other things. Nothing wrong with that.

Katesdeadbehindtheeyes · 31/12/2023 21:19

I get what you mean. I become a nan in my 30's and had young kids of my own to look after. Top that off with a full time job and juggling child care for my own kids I felt I wasn't around enough for the grandkids when they were really young. I did try and be involved as best I could.
As to it being a generation thing not sure, I think it's more individual circumstances and making the best of it.

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 21:22

The definition of a good grandparent doesn’t have to be someone that provides any childcare during work hours, that may be impossible if they are working. However, if you live local and don’t / won’t do any of these kind of things below- your a shit grandparent.

Babysit when you can within reason.
Offer some childcare IF you can.
Ring often and ask to speak to the kids on the phone- because you like them.
Visit them at home.
Think of them and think of little things you can give them or do with them to make them happy.
Take them out to the beach or park ever so often.
Make them feel comfortable and relaxed at your house.
Have them to sleepover.
Make time for them. If you’ve been really busy, swing in and take them with you to tescos or a dog walk or anything that you’de be doing anyway.
Tell them that you love them and miss them and that their absolutely brilliant.
Be the person that delivers the football boots / lunch that nobody else could get there in time.

Livelovebehappy · 31/12/2023 21:23

And dependent on the age of some of the posters on here, if you were being looked after by your grandparents in the 70 and 80s, they really wouldn’t have done loads of fun things with you outside of the home, apart from park visits. There was very little child entertainment places compared to now. This generation of parents are more fortunate with a lot of activities put on in the community for children in the holidays and weekends. Society is a lot more child friendly these days.

doggiedude · 31/12/2023 21:24

OP has now disappeared….probably realises now that she is very unreasonable!

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 31/12/2023 21:24

YABU to blame this on the generation. My mum and stepdad, and ILs are both super involved and always offer to help with childcare etc.

but my dad is a different story, mainly does his own thing and moved far away (after grandchildren were born so it was a choice not to be so involved) . Some people are just more self-involved. I think the fact that your grandparents had you so often as a child, is an indicator of your parents having different priorities all along.

2021x · 31/12/2023 21:25

Maybe they work full time and just don’t like small kids that much, and your grandma does.

willWillSmithsmith · 31/12/2023 21:27

RobertaFirmino · 31/12/2023 21:02

My mum was a boomer. How dare you say she was a shit parent! How fucking dare you!

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I’m a boomer parent and that poster is obviously referring to their own ‘shit’ parents but has decided it includes an entire generation of parents. It’s ridiculous, ignorant and insulting.

Justfinking · 31/12/2023 21:29

doggiedude · 31/12/2023 21:24

OP has now disappeared….probably realises now that she is very unreasonable!

She sounded like a bit of a whinger, parents are probably avoiding her and not her DC!

Livelovebehappy · 31/12/2023 21:29

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 21:22

The definition of a good grandparent doesn’t have to be someone that provides any childcare during work hours, that may be impossible if they are working. However, if you live local and don’t / won’t do any of these kind of things below- your a shit grandparent.

Babysit when you can within reason.
Offer some childcare IF you can.
Ring often and ask to speak to the kids on the phone- because you like them.
Visit them at home.
Think of them and think of little things you can give them or do with them to make them happy.
Take them out to the beach or park ever so often.
Make them feel comfortable and relaxed at your house.
Have them to sleepover.
Make time for them. If you’ve been really busy, swing in and take them with you to tescos or a dog walk or anything that you’de be doing anyway.
Tell them that you love them and miss them and that their absolutely brilliant.
Be the person that delivers the football boots / lunch that nobody else could get there in time.

Hilarious. If a grandparent works full time, how the hell are they going to fit in even a small percentage of the grandma role you’ve created for them? Where in all of this do they have time to actually focus on their own interests and passions? I agree a GP should show interest in their gc, and visit and spend time with the family. But it seems, just like your list, that expectations are largely focused on taking the gc out, having them sleepover, basically just lots of child care.

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 21:30

It’s not “entitlement” to expect your family to be around and help. This is still the way for over half the world and a century back, the whole world. It would be entitlement if you expected it but wouldn’t do it yourself perhaps.

Grandparents helping is the most natural solution to bringing up children.

Better for everyone. However, people in the West now have twisted perspectives on family.

AngeloMysterioso · 31/12/2023 21:31

My own parents are dead, but my PILs are an absolute godsend. They moved from their home of 35ish years to a completely new area to be closer to us, and they have the DC from Monday afternoon to Tuesday evening every week. MIL is forever offering to do laundry too, and telling me not to hesitate to ask for more help if I need it. I feel very lucky.

Ohlookwhoitis · 31/12/2023 21:32

Lizzieregina · 31/12/2023 18:55

My parents had no help from grandparents and there were 7 of us. My mum always had the attitude that she raised her own kids and didn’t provide much babysitting for her grandkids.

My kids already know that I won’t be providing childcare if I have grandkids, but will do occasional date nights and similar.

I’m over 60 now and find small kids exhausting and hard to entertain, so I can’t imagine being able to cope with them in large doses.

I loved my own kids and loved being a mother, but I don’t still have that kind of energy.

I don't think OP is looking for childcare. She just wants her parents to spend some time with her DC. A lot of people here seem to assume that grandparents = childcare.

Flossflower · 31/12/2023 21:33

Delphinous78

I had to labour alone as my retired in laws wouldn't watch my eldest for a night. They live 30 minutes away but when my MiL broke her leg my FiL demanded that my husband spend the week at their home watching her, even though we had a three month old and FiL doesn't work.

I hope your husband didn’t go.

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 21:34

@Livelovebehappy

when you go and visit friends is that “friend care”?

Childcare is looking after kids on a regular schedule while parents work.

The rest is spending time with people you love out of choice.

You clearly fail but my mum works full time and does all of those things and more.

hiredandsqueak · 31/12/2023 21:34

@Mairzydotes Dgs is 4 he knows how to send me messages via Alexa and has done for a year or more so we message regularly and he often asks his mama to record him sending me a message as he has done today to show me that dd had dropped her cup and spilt tea all over the kitchen floor. Obviously I do the same in return and send him photos of what I am doing or things I have seen or done that he might like. None of his photos or clips go on SM either.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 31/12/2023 21:34

96waystobehappy · 31/12/2023 21:22

The definition of a good grandparent doesn’t have to be someone that provides any childcare during work hours, that may be impossible if they are working. However, if you live local and don’t / won’t do any of these kind of things below- your a shit grandparent.

Babysit when you can within reason.
Offer some childcare IF you can.
Ring often and ask to speak to the kids on the phone- because you like them.
Visit them at home.
Think of them and think of little things you can give them or do with them to make them happy.
Take them out to the beach or park ever so often.
Make them feel comfortable and relaxed at your house.
Have them to sleepover.
Make time for them. If you’ve been really busy, swing in and take them with you to tescos or a dog walk or anything that you’de be doing anyway.
Tell them that you love them and miss them and that their absolutely brilliant.
Be the person that delivers the football boots / lunch that nobody else could get there in time.

What if you don't actually like them very much? As has been pointed out above, some of the current generation of parents are raising their kids to be feral little horrors.

Rollon2024 · 31/12/2023 21:36

I agree OP. Very very little help from my mum. She just refuses and says now is her time. I’m a single mum with sen child. It’s so damn hard. She’s just not arsed. It has really made me determined to help my children with my grandchildren as much as I can.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 31/12/2023 21:37

A lot of posts are just commenting that it’s a shame their children have no relationship with their parents. And in response they’re getting lectured that they’re expecting free childcare etc and some other negative assumptions on their motives. I think it’s natural to want your children to have enriched relationships with family.