This generation of grandparents - vent with me please

[icelollybrolly]

Not sure why I’m surprised considering most of my childhood memories are of my own grandma looking after us more than my parents but, still. I have 2 small children and can’t believe how much my parents just don’t care to actually make an effort to support me/see them/spend meaningful time with them. If they look after them it’s because I just about had to beg them for childcare once every few months, and all they do is sit in the house with them or take them for a happy meal. They never ask to have them or even pop over to see them, but funnily enough my mum will spam her facebook with pictures I’ve sent them of the kids as if she’s taken them, and her friends all gush about how lovely it must be being a grandma etc and she goes on as if they’re her world. Or if they see them and toddler says/does something clever they’ll take credit and say oh we showed her how to do that (not me who’s shown her 100 times no?) It’s a load of shit. How hard is it to spend proper time with your grandkids? They work but have every weekend free, my own grandma was much older when we were kids and she used to take us to farms, cinemas, swimming, all sorts. Just feel let down and sad for my children that their grandparents don’t seem very invested in them.

That's amazing the she was a lecturer. What did she teach? It was hard for women to do that when she was in her prime. What an awesome lady!

This is something to really think about it.

@icelollybrolly I take offense to "this generation of Grandparents"(unless you just mean this generation in YOUR own family, if so I apologize ) I am 56. Our daughter is 36 this year with a 13 and 14 year old. I worked full time in my own business , so I worked around my daughter and son in laws hours. For over 8 years I was available from 6 am until I dropped them at school (after making a breakfast for them) I got calls at least 2x a month with an issue of either forgetting a book at their house, or someone not well, soaked shoes etc. I did all those runs to the school as I was able to switch hours around easier than their parents. I also picked them up at least 2x a week after school and they hung out at mine until about 5 or 6. I retired in April this year and have moved country, but they are older and do not need gramma , but I enjoy the daily facetimes and all the silly videos they send me. Alot of this generation do our best to help!

A friend of mine that was child free by choice was nominated to look after her SGD while the DSD returned to work, not a job that she really wanted but to save face she helped out, DSD went on to have a second child and in turn expected friend to have both DSC and when friend refused it caused a fall out.

While many family members don't mind and look forward to helping with childcare there are those that don't want to.

I'd always reccomend to people that are just expecting certain family members to do the childcare arrangements that the time for conversation is before conception instead of just assuming that it's a job they actually want and taking umpage when told otherwise.

I'm in the same boat OP. GM is 99 and I am so so close to her, cannot see my DC bothering with DM in the same way.

It's not a problem I have, I'd you read above my in laws do their absolute best and my mum's dead. But I wouldn't be able to chase them up otherwise as honestly I feel quite stretched most of the time so I can understand why others don't chase.

My sister's mother in law has 13 grandchildren, she sees my sister's kids 3/4 times a year when they make the drive to her and she gets some nice photos but the woman has a gaggle of more local grandkids, my sisters are all pre school age and she's a nurse who spends her free time picking up extra shifts and making ends meet. That said she wouldn't moan that her mil doesn't help out either just sometimes will say she's sad they don't have the type of granny my mil is where it's clear everyone's trying to do their best for each other.

What work do you do, I’m 54 and see no real difference in my energy levels compared to my 20s. Still fully energetically active looking after the horses.

Same. Doesn't want to help but quite happy to complain we don't spend our half a day a week time off visiting them.

Heresy! Anyone on Mumsnet knows that the sole function of anyone over 50 is to provide free child care until their limbs don't work any more and then quietly off themselves so that their kids can get their hands on The Inheritance.

Honestly exactly that, my mil hadn't a clue about any of the hands on parts of parenting, I don't know what she thought would happen that she'd suddenly have these skills as a grandparent. Bless her she has learnt but I couldn't believe a woman who had children herself could have so little clue. That said I'm the oldest sister in a large Irish family and the oldest of a gaggle of cousins so I was changing nappies and making bottles before I was in double digits so maybe my assumptions were off too. My husband had literally never held a baby before! I couldn't believe how little clue they all had.

I thought it was just my children's grandparents that didn't care so I'm almost comforted that there are a lot of us in the same boat!
I spent every spare minute with my grandparents (even though my mum was a housewife) because I felt loved and wanted at their house. I never felt that at home (another story).
Neither my mum and stepdad, nor my children's grandparents on their dad's side care about my children. Never make plans to see them, never even call and ask about them even. My OH and I do it all ourselves and have done for a long time. They are with me 24/7 unless at school. I used to ask occasionally for them to babysit so we could have a "date night" but we were watching the clock all night and scared to go over the 2 hour time limit we had been given. It baffles me why they don't WANT to spend any time with their grandchildren, I'm not saying they HAVE to but surely they should want to?
Makes it worse because all of my friends, cousins etc with children have very hands on grandparents who seemingly have their children more often than they do. And I don't mean while they work. I mean in general the kids spend more time with their grandparents than they do with their parents. I wouldn't want help to that extent, they are my kids and I adore them, but it's hard not to feel jealous and, moreover, sad for my children.

Edited to add, I do help my mother out a lot with "dog sitting" while she's at work so it's not like I'm all take take take. I really should start saying no.

You sound like one of the great ones I wasn’t so lucky with my parent’s, grandparents were great though. It’s not really a case of childcare anymore as my dd is too old to be babysat at 23, not that I asked for much anyway. It was always an inconvenience. No it’s the complete lack of interest or care towards dd or myself. Dm has always had the attitude of my kids serve me and Df I’ve seen a hand full of times in 38 years, they’re both in late 60s but so selfish. I know so many people’s parents in that age bracket who only care for themselves or a few favourites they cherry pick.

My mum was a boomer. How dare you say she was a shit parent! How fucking dare you!

Maybe back in your day 60 years old was the retirement age for women. Which meant grandparents were more available. I’m in my 50s, and will be working until I’m 67. Full time. It’s a big ask for someone working through their 60’s to be expected to give up their weekends for childcare. It’s nice for grandparents to maybe help a little, like a night or two a month babysitting, but your expectations of just how much energy and free time todays grandparents have is way too high.

They have weekends to rest, relax, do household stuff and hobbies. You don't say how old they are but if they are still working assume they are either below retirement age, or working because they have to. Unfortunately previous generations could stop working at 60, with a mortgage paid off and a full pension to live off, leaving free time and energy to practically raise your grandchildren. I'm not saying you are being completely unreasonable, but your parents may not be either.

“Heresy! Anyone on Mumsnet knows that the sole function of anyone over 50 is to provide free child care until their limbs don't work any more and then quietly off themselves so that their kids can get their hands on The Inheritance.”

Not one single person is saying that. The OP’s kids have no relationship with grandparents that live very close.
She’s not asking for full time childcare, she’s sad that they do not seem to have any instinct to want to see or spend time with her children.
All the shit grandparents come to these threads like flies round shit. “Why should I!?” they say.
Very unloving.
Im so lucky I’m not in this situation but I sympathise with those that are. I hope you give it your all when it’s your turn and break the cycle of selfishness.

I am sorry that so many pp have had poor experiences with their own parents’ involvement as grandparents. I consider myself fortunate that I haven’t experienced this.

However, I can’t agree with any of the generational generalisations being made. As a teacher working in disadvantaged communities it’s my experience that many grandparents are heavily involved in the daily work of raising of their grandchildren, either because the parents work long hours or multiple jobs or because they are feckless or absent.

I don’t recognise the generation difference in my experience. My parents are very hands on and very much want to be in their grandchildren’s life. Unfortunately my partner’s parents are too old now to be left alone with my children but they were hands on with their older grandchildren. I wonder if people having children later might be having an effect on what some grandparents can do. I get that some people have mentioned younger ages which obviously isn’t the case for all but I think for more than previous generations.

OP same here! Every school holiday, evenings, school drop off all grandparents.

My mum has explained how she doesn't feel she should and she judges those who do! I say nothing but it makes me cross - not the no but the hypocrisy! She had so much help anytime she asked

I have mixed feelings. Just because they are grandparents doesn't mean they are obligated to care for your children, especially if they work too!

There is a vast difference between a few of your posts though. On one hand you feel like they should do some care giving and look after your children, and it others you want them to show an interest and offer your children time with them on mundane activities such as dog walking just so they can share each others company.

So I guess OP, which is it you want? Do you want them to care for them so you can "have a break" or do you want them to want a relationship with your children and to nurture it, that bond,because you're giving mixed messages.

I personally don't think it's our parents duty to care for our children, we chose to have them.
I do think they should want to form a bond independent of us and nurture it but the 2 are not mutually exclusive.

My own parents are rubbish, we’ve had no childcare support or even interest in spending time with my LO. BUT I don’t think it’s generational. I know lots of people whose parents are v supportive and my memories of childhood I don’t remember grandparents helping at all!

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I often wonder if it's to do with many younger GPs today feeling pressure with own parents, work commitments etc so feel inclined to be spending free time going to concerts, nights out, holidays etc where they're still kicking their heels up. Dh & I have elderly parents, young Grandchildren & we are there at a moments notice for all when free but we work & live our lives too. Our family still come first.

I’d only be really pissed off with my mum if “hobbies” left her with no time to see her grandchildren. Make your grandchildren your hobbies for Gods sakes. Tennis? Art classes? Gardening? What are these hobbies that are more important that you can’t check in on your family? Family first, tennis second.

You’re one of the lucky ones then. I lead a relatively healthy life, and my work is not physical, more mental. But I can honestly say after a full day working, I just wouldn’t have the energy to do regular child care on an evening. I’m counting the days off until I retire, and dread to think how I’m going to cope with full time work into my mid to late 60s.

Yep, we spent days at a time with grandparents, doing stuff around house like baking and craft, gardening for fruit and veg, in their garage playing at joinery, lots of days out, adventurous dog walks, and sitting in pubs with pop & crisps.
My DCs grandparents call round to watch tv and be supplied with teas, then go home.
Not the same at all.