Roast dinner at 1 - which of us is being rude?

[Rachellllleeee]

Lighthearted.

I always do a roast dinner on Sundays for 1.00. Always have - we've been married for 30 years and kids have now left home.

DH is frequently late. He does an activity on Sunday morning, he could easily be back in time, but chooses to socialise after.

I spend around 2 hours preparing and cooking the dinner. Sometimes it's slightly later than 1.00 because it's not an exact science even after all of these years.

If DH is late, I start to eat mine. I'm not waiting for him to finish chatting whilst my lovely roast dinner cools on the side, to microwave it when he eventually turns up.

He thinks I'm being rude by starting without him. He thinks I should wait and reheat both dinners if he's late.

AIBU?

No meal is worth two hours of preparation. If you want a roast dinner, go to a pub or carvery. Tell your husband he can join you there if he wishes.

The problem is that you’re letting him dictate the time it should be served and offering to cook it for whatever time he suggests (even if he still chooses 1pm and is then hate anyway). In future if you’re cooking it and he’s consistently late then cook it for a time that suits you only and don’t even mention his lateness at all. It’s a waste of your energy.

Sounds like you are stuck in a rut OP. I would hate to feel pressured into sitting down at a certain time on a certain day every week.

Blimey. Do you have tea on the table at 5pm too? Pipe and slippers at the foot of his favourite chair? It sounds very old-fashioned and like someone very stuck in their ways. My inlaws are like that. Roast on a Sunday at 1.30 without fail. They will never go anywhere on a Sunday morning because of that because MIL is home doing the roast. Without fail. Never go anywhere early on a Saturday evening either because “that’s when church is”. There’s just no compromise in those arrangements so it means if we want to see them we always have to visit them on a Sunday morning. I think the concept of varying this once or twice so they can do something different has never crossed their mind. We’ve given up trying to eat out at a nice restaurant with them at, say, 7pm because they will have already eaten something at 5pm so won’t be hungry. Because in their eyes they have always eaten their evening meal at 5pm so why would they change that?

why do you need to wait till he’s out to “have an opportunity to cook it”? Because that’s what your post seems to suggest.

So he wants to eat with you/not eat a microwaved roast-but not enough to be back at the time he has agreed to?

So he really does want to have his roast & eat it too?

I disagree! It's fine to take your time to cook a good meal, especially if it's your main meal of day (or even week!).

Yes people are completely missing your point!

Of course your H is being rude. I wouldn’t wait for him at all.

Socialising is really important, more so the older you get so I don't think it should be cut shirt for a strict meal time? Change and adaptation is also vital for a happy life. Invite his mates and yours round one Sunday for a 2pm roast!

What's the activity he does?

But.. I like a fresh hot roast dinner on a Sunday (yes we are up north and have dinner and tea for the PP that asked). And so does he. He just can't leave the club at the time he agrees. Which I am fine with, he enjoys it. And I don't mind him reheating his. I just don't think I'm rude by eating mine at the agreed time.

And for the PP that asked, yes, it's perfectly acceptable to do a nice roast for just two of you.

It depends. Do you enjoy your dh's company? If not, then crack on. Eat your lunch in peace by yourself.

Otherwise, tell him it's at 1pm but sort it for 1.30pm.

After reading your updates you aren't unreasonable. You are preparing as roast dinner that he requests, at a time that he requests. His only part in it is to turn up at the time he himself set.

If it was simply you being inflexible my answer would be different.

What would happen if you just made sandwiches at lunchtime and announced you'd do a roast for 6pm? You are putting in the work - I think you can fix a time that works best for you. He seems to want to know a roast dinner is ready for him the moment he steps in the door. He doesn't want to agree to 2 in case he comes home at 1.45 and shock horror, the big man's dinner isn't ready!

I don't think you are unreasonable to start without him once it's ready. I do the same though my husband is in the house. I call him once and if he doesn't come down within 5 mins I start eating mine. He does huff about it but I say "well I did tell you it was ready". When he cooks he waits for me (though I do appear promptly to be fair). I don't think it's rude. It's ruder not to show up promptly for someone who has made the effort to prepare a meal for you.

Does he let you know he'll be late and the time he'll actually be arriving home? Have you pointed out that it's rude of him to expect you to have a reheated roast (which is never quite as nice) and wait indefinitely for his return?

@Rachellllleeee you sound awfully strict!! how did your kids manage around you? sunday food should not have such a rigorous time to be eaten! have yourself some brunch around 11am then just make the sunday dinner for teatime at 5 ish then people can relax, after all it is a day of rest. you never know, hubby might end up making it for you for a change!

It also strikes me that he doesn't want to be rude to his golf pals, hence being hard to get away. But he isn't bothered about being rude to you! Priorities???

Then I suppose you'll just have to continue as normal and tell your husband that if he's late, you'll start without him.

It wouldn't be worth it to me.

Surely not too difficult to understand that's how long it takes to make a roast dinner from scratch whether it is for 2 or 10 people. It's not the same as Cook ready meals!

I think just stop doing it for him until you can agree a reasonable time which you know he’ll stick to. If you really fancy it yourself just do it for yourself or some other time (like Sunday Eve etc). Sounds like this is becoming a bit of unhealthy power play.

Just move the time by an hour and don't tell him in advance. Easy.

Yes I agree, with hindsight it's badly worded. But people aren't reading the updates and think I'm some crazed 1950's housewife who wants her DH back from his beloved activity at a certain time when his slippers are warm and his roast hot.

I really don't mind what he does! But I object to being called rude because I am sticking to our agreement - agreed by both parties - and he isn't!

It’s her DH asking for it to be ready for 1.

He’s happy with it being ready for 1 but he wants her to wait for him to come home so they can eat together.

OP has a life of her own.
She does not need to spend half of the day waiting for her DH who could turn up any time.

She should make it at the agreed time and if he’s late, he can reheat it and eat by himself.

Let the poor man socialise and plan to have your dinner later

I don’t think you are unreasonable to eat when the food is ready, at the time he has requested.

I do think you need to change up the routine, though. You’ve tried to fit in with him, but he doesn’t try to fit in with you. So do something else entirely. Just break the whole cycle.

Could you eat out at the golf club on Sundays instead?

I think you need a change. None of this arrangement is working.

I don't think your being rude, he's being an arse. I wouldn't put up with it though.
I would stop doing it. He wouldn't get to be cooked for and complain about it.

I would cook it for dinner, cook stew or something that will just sit in the oven until needed, or tell him that I look forward to whatever he wants to cook.

Just stop?