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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Roast dinner at 1 - which of us is being rude?

338 replies

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:21

Lighthearted.

I always do a roast dinner on Sundays for 1.00. Always have - we've been married for 30 years and kids have now left home.

DH is frequently late. He does an activity on Sunday morning, he could easily be back in time, but chooses to socialise after.

I spend around 2 hours preparing and cooking the dinner. Sometimes it's slightly later than 1.00 because it's not an exact science even after all of these years.

If DH is late, I start to eat mine. I'm not waiting for him to finish chatting whilst my lovely roast dinner cools on the side, to microwave it when he eventually turns up.

He thinks I'm being rude by starting without him. He thinks I should wait and reheat both dinners if he's late.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 14:16

TommyNever · 31/12/2023 14:13

You're not being unreasonable. Eat your dinner when it's ready, no need to let his absence spoil it.

It's not against the law for married couple to eat at different times.

I can’t think of anything more depressing than cooking a full roast dinner and then sitting and eating it on my own. Then again I wouldn’t make a full roast dinner just for the two of us anyway.

Allofaflutter · 31/12/2023 14:16

My mum is like that. Say dinner is at 1pm. She comes at 2. Say dinner is 2pm she comes at 3 etc.

2chocolateoranges · 31/12/2023 14:16

Personally I’d stop cooking a roast on a Sunday, it doesn’t suit for that day.

i do think him agreeing a time then turning up late is disrespectful.

Mantling · 31/12/2023 14:16

MyFirstLittlePony · 31/12/2023 13:50

To me this whole set up sound's claustrophobic 😬

Not relaxed for anyone

Yes! Inflexible timings for 30 years, passive-aggressive cooking and eating, someone who simply can’t make himself show up at the time he’s repeatedly agreed to.

Move it to the evening, OP. Or another day. There’s no reason for both people to be eternally locked in a Sunday Roast Battle.

lairyfights9 · 31/12/2023 14:16

TheGoodEnoughWife · 31/12/2023 14:14

Amazed at the people bending over backwards to make this the OPs fault. How awful for him to get a home cooked roast every Sunday? Poor husband? Move the time around. Lie to him. Do behave!

He wants his dinner as soon as he decides to get home and he wants the OP to sit and wait for him. No chance. He knows the time. He refuses a later time. He thinks the OP should wait until he graces her with his presence. He can fuck right off. Eat yours when it is ready. He either reheats his when he bothers to turn up or stop cooking for him the ungrateful sod.

This!

WYorkshireRose · 31/12/2023 14:17

I mean, it seems like you're both sort of wrong. Your DH shouldn't say 1pm is fine if he then consistently comes back late. However you can't expect him to be back for 1pm on the dot for a meal which you then say is often late anyway because it's not an exact science.

Allofaflutter · 31/12/2023 14:17

I think it’s rude to agree to a time but not stick to it. It’s not rude to eat if dh doesn’t come.

InSpainTheRain · 31/12/2023 14:17

I wouldn't reheat mine just because he was late, I'd eat it. However, I would ask DH what time he can make it back by and do it for then. I think it's quite nice to socialise after an activity. Alternatively what about an evening dinner on a Sunday or roast on a Saturday/another day? It seems really inflexible.

MumblesParty · 31/12/2023 14:18

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 14:05

If I told him 1.00 but made it for 2.00, the following week he'd aim for 2 and be late for that.

Would he really? Even if you told him it would be 1? He’d still aim for 2, because he’d remember last week it was 2?

Mirabai · 31/12/2023 14:18

They’re both at fault - they’re locked in a passive aggressive game that some old married couples seems to delight in.

The only sensible response to DH’s timekeeping is either eat in the evening or not at all. Not to keep repeatedly cooking a time that he always fails to get back for.

yogagivesmepeace · 31/12/2023 14:18

Nowt so queer as folk.

Fingeronthebutton · 31/12/2023 14:18

How much do you eat? Prepare and cook for 2 hours for 2 people 🤷‍♀️

TempyBrennan · 31/12/2023 14:19

Change it to 3:30 and make it for 4.

or change it to literally any other time and if he carries on being ‘late’ and wanting you to wait then he IBU.

Tinkerbyebye · 31/12/2023 14:20

No. He can come home on time

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 14:20

TheGoodEnoughWife · 31/12/2023 14:14

Amazed at the people bending over backwards to make this the OPs fault. How awful for him to get a home cooked roast every Sunday? Poor husband? Move the time around. Lie to him. Do behave!

He wants his dinner as soon as he decides to get home and he wants the OP to sit and wait for him. No chance. He knows the time. He refuses a later time. He thinks the OP should wait until he graces her with his presence. He can fuck right off. Eat yours when it is ready. He either reheats his when he bothers to turn up or stop cooking for him the ungrateful sod.

I thought I was going mad!

I’m shocked at how many posters are telling her to wait until later on or to tell him a time but actually have it ready for much later, like she doesn’t have better things to do.

He wants it at 1.
She’s cooking it for 1.

Why should she mess about actually having it ready by 2/3 instead when he’s an adult and can either be on time or reheat it himself.

Poor man having to eat alone and his wife not actually making his dinner for 2 hours later than he asks, just in case he’s late.

I feel like I’ve stepped back in time with all these women telling her to bend over backwards, simply so he doesn’t have to eat alone!

TheWillowTrees · 31/12/2023 14:20

He sounds annoying.

Could you just rest the meat and only put the veg on when he gets in?

I wouldn’t start eating without him. It’s not rude so much as weird- surely a meal like that is better eaten together?

dreamingbohemian · 31/12/2023 14:21

margotrose · 31/12/2023 14:07

So don't make it at all 🤷‍♀️

Tell him that as he can't be bothered to get home on time, you can't be bothered to cook for him.

Honestly, this all seems like so much drama over absolutely nothing.

Show quote history

Thank you, I feel crazy reading this thread!
The obvious solution is to just stop doing it. Like, blindingly obvious.
The fact you don't see this as an option is so strange. Like it's not about the roast anymore, you're both playing some passive aggressive game. Just stop!

Zimunya · 31/12/2023 14:22

You’re not rude or unreasonable, OP, and I see no need for you to wait for him if he has agreed the time. He’s being rude by not coming home in time for a lovely meal you’ve worked hard to make. Presumably he’s not routinely late for work or other social engagements, so why treat you differently?

Puffalicious · 31/12/2023 14:22

ShirleyPhallus · 31/12/2023 13:26

Sometimes I think other peoples relationships are just so weird. Now is one of those times. Poor husband.

Yup.

Personally the idea of a full roast at lunchtime makes my stomach lurch (It's Christmas Dinner here too, not Xmas lunch. I find it a very English specific thing for a full roast at lunchtime). Apart from that, why so inflexible? Family life ebbs & flows. 2 of my DC are now older teens; so life/ food/ routines have had to change as life changes.

Do you never do anything on a Sunday together? Like a day put together or as a family?

Yozzer87 · 31/12/2023 14:22

I think you're both being a bit silly. You to be so set in your ways over a meal. And him to moan about not waiting for him. So both unreasonable.

Mantling · 31/12/2023 14:23

Mirabai · 31/12/2023 14:18

They’re both at fault - they’re locked in a passive aggressive game that some old married couples seems to delight in.

The only sensible response to DH’s timekeeping is either eat in the evening or not at all. Not to keep repeatedly cooking a time that he always fails to get back for.

Yes. I assume it’s fulfilling some deep unspoken need on both their parts.

Mirabai · 31/12/2023 14:23

Fingeronthebutton · 31/12/2023 14:18

How much do you eat? Prepare and cook for 2 hours for 2 people 🤷‍♀️

That’s the other conundrum. Is she raising the chicken herself?

HappyMavis · 31/12/2023 14:24

I'm traumatised from reading what you are going through. Your life sounds like an absolute living hell OP.

Ohnotyoutoo · 31/12/2023 14:24

Rachellllleeee · 31/12/2023 13:37

I think most people are missing the point here.

He agrees to be back for dinner at 1.00. If he said, "can we make it later?". I'd say "yes no problem" and do it for later. But he doesn't, and is then late. I've even said, "shall I do it for later?", and he said "no, 1.00 is fine".

YANBU! I'd eat mine without him, too. He's already said that one o'clock is fine, but turns up late. That would drive me round the bloody bend.

Maybe one week don't cook it and tell him it's because he's always late so what's the point. Then he can go hungry! You should treat yourself.

sprigatito · 31/12/2023 14:24

I definitely think he's rude and selfish to consistently turn up later than he said he would, but I don't understand how you end up with plates of food cooling on the side...surely you don't actually put his food on a plate when he's not yet in the house? I would serve my own and eat it, leave everything else warm in the switched-off oven and he could help himself when he eventually deigned to appear.