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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annual mums night didn't work out

123 replies

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 11:14

Our end of summer term dinner and nightclub is always organised by the same person but the last one was organised with only a week to go. I let her know that I had a work conference that day and would not be able to make that date but could go on an alternative date. This did not go down well and she said in the group chat that I would be organising different date - this was without messaging me first to confirm if I could do this. I was bemused by the reaction but tried to organise for the following week but she said she could not make it and a few others had booked holidays so I left it at that. Recently I heard that they went ahead with the original date which is fine with me, but nobody mentioned this to me (I had met with some of them since and we discussed booking next year's event with more notice). AIBU to be annoyed with them for keeping it quiet?

OP posts:
BonnieIou · 31/12/2023 11:16

Sounds like a lot of nastiness in the group

RedRobin100 · 31/12/2023 11:17

Why don’t you be more proactive and take on organising it next time - rather than leaving it to one person and getting annoyed at them for not suiting you?

Didimum · 31/12/2023 11:19

You couldn’t go. Why do they have to speak about it with you?

Ponoka7 · 31/12/2023 11:19

Wouldn't it have been rubbing it in your face if they discussed it on the group chat? I don't see the point of you giving it any thought. This is always going to happen when groups are involved.

DarkForces · 31/12/2023 11:20

I think your mistake was not saying sorry you can't make it and have a lovely time rather than expecting her to reorganise around you. Their response was out of proportion though

Hermanfromguesswho · 31/12/2023 11:21

It sounds like she is quite fed up with the organisation being left to her. So she left it last minute to see if anyone else would step up or offer to help but no one did so she arranged it only for you to suggest a date change as it didn’t suit you!
I think you ought to have just said ‘I’m so sorry I can’t make that date. I hope you all have a fab time, send pics!’ then offered to help arrange the next one with more time to find a date that everyone can make.
Can you suggest another get together maybe at Easter and offer to coordinate dates?

TheaBrandt · 31/12/2023 11:22

Getting dates to suit a large group is a flipping nightmare. If you are so affronted suggest you take over the organisation then you can arrange it to suit you.

chompargh · 31/12/2023 11:23

Nah just let it go mate. Its all too much hassle to get worked up about these tiny things ONCE A TERM!

mottytotty · 31/12/2023 11:23

If you couldn’t make that date then why would they contact you about it?

When you told her you could make an alternative date, did you expect them to move it just for you? Or was it more to let her know your availability with no expectations of it being changed for you? Something in your message must have got her back up.

Hercisback · 31/12/2023 11:25

Seems like you were a bit of a dope in the first place and she took offense.

Marmalady75 · 31/12/2023 11:28

No point getting upset now. Either she told people not to mention it or they were avoiding being caught in the crossfire.
Sounds like these are surface level “friends” if you go out once a term. Just keep it casual and light.

Mywhoopdeedoo · 31/12/2023 11:30

Organise it yourself next time

MummyJ36 · 31/12/2023 11:33

I’m often the organiser for things and it is very unhelpful when someone just states they can’t make the date and then expects the organiser to go back to the drawing board. I often preface by saying we will go with the date that the majority can do so that there is an understanding that not everyone can be accommodated. Maybe the organiser was just a bit exasperated, it doesn’t sound like you meant any harm OP but perhaps you could take a lead next time? The organiser always gets to go themselves!

Original poster
Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 11:34

RedRobin100 · 31/12/2023 11:17

Why don’t you be more proactive and take on organising it next time - rather than leaving it to one person and getting annoyed at them for not suiting you?

One of the others has tried to do this but lady who organises it snatched it back! She organises at a venue close to where she lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 11:36

Didimum · 31/12/2023 11:19

You couldn’t go. Why do they have to speak about it with you?

They could have mentioned it went ahead the time we spoke about organising it in advance next time. Like I said in original post I would have been happy that it went ahead.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 31/12/2023 11:37

Why would they mention it to you when you couldn't go? You say it was fine that they went ahead, so stick with that stance. Getting upset because you're not kept informed of events you can't go to is a waste of energy.

chompargh · 31/12/2023 11:40

They aren't going to go OOOOH WE HAD A LOVELY TIME WITHOUT OP.

mottytotty · 31/12/2023 11:40

They should just use one of the countless websites that allow people to vote on what dates work for them.

I think people make it harder for themselves.

cansu · 31/12/2023 11:41

You simply should have said you couldn't make that date. If you had left it at that yhey either would have stuck with it if the majority could make it or arranged another date. You made it about you which is odd. Often the dates won't suit everyone and some people give it a miss.

TempyBrennan · 31/12/2023 11:44

I wouldn’t mention it unless you specifically asked me if it went ahead. It would be rude to talk about something they knew you couldn’t and therefore didn’t attend.

so, YABU.

Didimum · 31/12/2023 11:46

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 11:36

They could have mentioned it went ahead the time we spoke about organising it in advance next time. Like I said in original post I would have been happy that it went ahead.

Show quote history

I’m not trying to be snarky, I genuinely don’t see what purpose it serves? The fact that it went ahead this year has no bearing on organising it next year.

pictoosh · 31/12/2023 11:48

It depends how the exchange about the first date went. Did you explain that you couldn't make it (with regret) or did you expect to be accommodated?
How many are in the group?

Pressthespacebar · 31/12/2023 11:52

They knew you couldnt make original date so don’t see why they would need to tell you anything when they went ahead with it, as you already said you couldn’t come?

Namechange4448830938489 · 31/12/2023 11:53

Summer? Why are you thinking about this now or are you in Oz?

wronginalltherightways · 31/12/2023 11:53

You couldn't go.
And you didn't really want to organise another evening, and it turned out no one could make your proposed date anyway.
So they went ahead on the original date.

No biggie really. Sometimes people can't make things.

Don't turn it into something it isn't.