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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annual mums night didn't work out

123 replies

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 11:14

Our end of summer term dinner and nightclub is always organised by the same person but the last one was organised with only a week to go. I let her know that I had a work conference that day and would not be able to make that date but could go on an alternative date. This did not go down well and she said in the group chat that I would be organising different date - this was without messaging me first to confirm if I could do this. I was bemused by the reaction but tried to organise for the following week but she said she could not make it and a few others had booked holidays so I left it at that. Recently I heard that they went ahead with the original date which is fine with me, but nobody mentioned this to me (I had met with some of them since and we discussed booking next year's event with more notice). AIBU to be annoyed with them for keeping it quiet?

OP posts:
Lordofmyflies · 31/12/2023 11:54

Sorry OP, it's a nightmare organising meet up's. It sounds though no one really wanted to take the lead hence only one weeks' notice being given. Then to hear that someone can't make that date, when the majority can and it's been organised, is a real pita.
I don't really understand what kind of notice you needed or felt was required for them to go out? You knew the suggested date. Just let it slide. Offer to organise it well in advance next year if you are desperate to go.

Original poster
Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 11:54

pictoosh · 31/12/2023 11:48

It depends how the exchange about the first date went. Did you explain that you couldn't make it (with regret) or did you expect to be accommodated?
How many are in the group?

There are 6 of us in the group. I replied to the organiser privately that I could not do that date but could do any other date (my mistake doing this but I was hoping another date could be organised as it is only a once a year event). She replied to the group saying I was the only one that had responded and would be organising a new date for everyone.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 31/12/2023 11:55

The way these things work with a large group is if a date is thrown into the ring and people say yes or no.If and only if lots can't make it you rearrange the date. If you start going A can't make this one B can't make that one, then you often end up having to make a decision who doesn't come, which is far more hurtful.

By saying "I can't make that date, but I can make this one" you were implying that you expected the date to be rearranged to suit you.
I suspect organiser was contacted by the ones who could make it saying they wanted to go on the original date, and couldn't make your alternative date. They didn't want to put it in the original chat because you'd given them the impression that you expected it to be changed to suit you.

AnneValentine · 31/12/2023 11:58

YABU. She does all the labour, go as she’s arranged or don’t go at all.

Sera1989 · 31/12/2023 11:59

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 11:54

There are 6 of us in the group. I replied to the organiser privately that I could not do that date but could do any other date (my mistake doing this but I was hoping another date could be organised as it is only a once a year event). She replied to the group saying I was the only one that had responded and would be organising a new date for everyone.

Show quote history

It all sounds very petty. I would be annoyed if a group had been created without me and everyone went to the original date even though the organiser had basically said no one replied and they weren't organising anything. Do you get on well with these people?

Original poster
Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 12:04

Sera1989 · 31/12/2023 11:59

It all sounds very petty. I would be annoyed if a group had been created without me and everyone went to the original date even though the organiser had basically said no one replied and they weren't organising anything. Do you get on well with these people?

Show quote history

The organiser is very controlling over her family and gets a bit narked with us friends if she doesn't get her own way. I get on quite well with the others and one has been a close friend for many years.

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 31/12/2023 12:04

Are you teachers?

MissBridgetJones · 31/12/2023 12:04

Didimum · 31/12/2023 11:19

You couldn’t go. Why do they have to speak about it with you?

This. You said you couldn't attend.

StockpotSoup · 31/12/2023 12:06

You couldn’t make the original date, so suggested an alternative. Fine. Unfortunately others couldn’t make the alternative date, so stuck with the original. Also fine.

I had to miss out on a holiday earlier this year because two of the group could only do the one week I couldn’t. I was very disappointed, of course, but the alternative was two people missing out instead of one, so it was tough luck. I don’t blame my friends - they had commitments the same as I did.

Weefreetiffany · 31/12/2023 12:09

Hmmm I think it’s because she sent you on a fools errand to reorganise and then kept the original date while having left you hanging thinking you were still in charge and hadn’t managed to get it together. You thought nothing was happening and it was on you, but really she was still planning but keeping you out the loop. Sounds a bit toxic. I’d leave it for now and next time just say yes or no. You know who you’re dealing with now though and don’t forget it

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 12:17

I would be annoyed at this.

If it’s an annual event then everyone needs to agree on a date.

It is very difficult to arrange a date that suits everyone but if it’s roughly the same time each year then everyone could have said what dates they can’t do in that month.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2023 12:19

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 12:04

The organiser is very controlling over her family and gets a bit narked with us friends if she doesn't get her own way. I get on quite well with the others and one has been a close friend for many years.

Show quote history

So why didn't she tell you? That's weird

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 12:19

I’ve just re-read and you tried to rearrange but then just left it.

So if you were in charge of rearranging the date but didn’t, then it’s reasonable to keep the original date else it wouldn’t have happened.

They shouldn’t have kept it a secret though.

mangochops · 31/12/2023 12:21

MissBridgetJones · 31/12/2023 12:04

This. You said you couldn't attend.

Show quote history

Also agree- you said you couldn't go so why do they need to inform you of their plans if you've already backed out? that's just weird expecting that.

Fine, you couldn't make the date but maybe the other dates you could do, others couldn't do. It seems a bit like you expect them to all fit in around you. That's not possible in a group I'm afraid, its not always about you.

StaunchMomma · 31/12/2023 12:25

Right, so you're not upset it went ahead or that they didn't talk about it on the group - you're upset that you've seen friends in person and talked about the need to plan better next time and they didn't mention that it did go ahead?

That makes more sense.

I'd chalk it up to them not wanting to get involved in potential beef and make a point to be very clear with wording in the group chat, going forward.

Didimum · 31/12/2023 12:34

Weefreetiffany · 31/12/2023 12:09

Hmmm I think it’s because she sent you on a fools errand to reorganise and then kept the original date while having left you hanging thinking you were still in charge and hadn’t managed to get it together. You thought nothing was happening and it was on you, but really she was still planning but keeping you out the loop. Sounds a bit toxic. I’d leave it for now and next time just say yes or no. You know who you’re dealing with now though and don’t forget it

Yes, I get it if you felt this way, OP. I got the impression it ended in a way that left everyone free to do what they wanted.

LangMayYerLumReek2024 · 31/12/2023 12:38

You couldn't go.

You were asked to organise a new date.

You didn't.

So they went ahead without you.

It's not them at fault here.

TitaniasAss · 31/12/2023 12:41

You couldn't go. That's It really, I don't really know what you're expecting.

Mary46 · 31/12/2023 12:50

Hard when you read cant do this date that date. Then endless texts. I notice in our group op nobody takes it on theres 5 us. Can see why! Think I prefer one to one catchups now because of this. But can be hurtful op.

Lotsofsnacks · 31/12/2023 12:55

I agree, you should have just said you had a work conference, and couldn’t attend, not say a different date that suited you. You should have just accepted you couldn’t go, but if she had offered an alternative date after, then fine.

diddl · 31/12/2023 12:59

So you couldn't go, others couldn't go when you suggested so they went back to the original date.

Not sure why you didn't think that this could happen.

Did you expect everyone to do nothing?

They probably thought that you would realise so no need to say anything.

AlchemyLady · 31/12/2023 13:08

Come on, it's pretty petty to set up an entirely new whatsapp group excluding OP to organise it without her, in a group of 5 people (which is what clearly happened).

Do you think she really wanted you to organise it OP? What was she playing at saying you're in charge now, if you think she actually enjoys the organising?

mouldyfalafel · 31/12/2023 13:16

369damnshesfine · 31/12/2023 12:19

I’ve just re-read and you tried to rearrange but then just left it.

So if you were in charge of rearranging the date but didn’t, then it’s reasonable to keep the original date else it wouldn’t have happened.

They shouldn’t have kept it a secret though.

This is how I read it too- you could have tried arranging a different date that suited everyone but you didnt, you said you just "left it". Now you're pissed off that they all went out without you. But why shouldn't they?- they did include you and you said no and you didnt bother to arrange an alternative date.

They can't win here- if they had discussed the original date on the group chat you would have got pissed about them rubbing your face in it knowing you can't make it, so literally whatever they do in this scenario you would have been angry!

Mirabai · 31/12/2023 13:17

No idea why you’d care.

fluffypinkclouds · 31/12/2023 13:19

"but nobody mentioned this to me"

Why do they need to mention it to you if you already said you werent coming?