Page 3 | Annual mums night didn't work out

Tiredmum200 · 2023-12-31T11:14:59+00:00

Our end of summer term dinner and nightclub is always organised by the same person but the last one was organised with only a week to go. I let her know that I had a work conference that day and would not be able to make that date but could go on an alternative date. This did not go down well and she said in the group chat that I would be organising different date - this was without messaging me first to confirm if I could do this. I was bemused by the reaction but tried to organise for the following week but she said she could not make it and a few others had booked holidays so I left it at that. Recently I heard that they went ahead with the original date which is fine with me, but nobody mentioned this to me (I had met with some of them since and we discussed booking next year's event with more notice). AIBU to be annoyed with them for keeping it quiet?

TitaniasAss · 31/12/2023 13:21

AlchemyLady · 31/12/2023 13:08

Come on, it's pretty petty to set up an entirely new whatsapp group excluding OP to organise it without her, in a group of 5 people (which is what clearly happened).

Do you think she really wanted you to organise it OP? What was she playing at saying you're in charge now, if you think she actually enjoys the organising?

I'm not sure about this, a friend set up a new WhatsApp group about a recent theatre night out that I couldn't go to, so that I didn't get 50 squillion messages about travel and meal arrangements about an event that I wasn't attending. I don't think that's unusual.

Epidote · 31/12/2023 13:25

You couldn't make it. They could. Just that.

walkingintothefuture · 31/12/2023 13:25

i'm not sure about this, a friend set up a new WhatsApp group about a recent theatre night out that I couldn't go to, so that I didn't get 50 squillion messages about travel and meal arrangements about an event that I wasn't attending. I don't think that's unusual

I have zero problem with this either- I don't need to see all this if I've already been invited and have declined.

Beautiful3 · 31/12/2023 13:27

You shouldn't have mentioned an alternative date. You ought to have said, "sorry I can't make it as I'm away at x, have a lovely time." The organiser was fed up with trying to get a date that everyone could attend. There was no need for her to mention them going as originally planned. Because even less people could attend your suggested date. Don't take it so personally.

AlchemyLady · 31/12/2023 13:28

TitaniasAss · 31/12/2023 13:21

I'm not sure about this, a friend set up a new WhatsApp group about a recent theatre night out that I couldn't go to, so that I didn't get 50 squillion messages about travel and meal arrangements about an event that I wasn't attending. I don't think that's unusual.

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I get that, but presumably in your example you'd been invited, said you couldn't go, then someone's said "I'll save you all from the extra messages & take this into another group" or similar. No exclusion.

In this example, organiser lady gave a date, OP messaged directly to say she couldn't make it, then organiser pops up in the whatsapp group to say OP was organising but OP couldn't find a date.
Meanwhile at some point organiser lady has set up a separate group all with the others and organised an event on the original date without OP.

To me, that feels deliberately excluding and sneaky. I realise OP couldn't make the date but a friend would pop up again in the main group and say "well I suggest we go back to the original date then, sorry OP". It's odd behaviour from a friend IMO.

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 13:31

Trying to understand timelines.

Original date proposed, you said you couldn't make it and suggested alternative date.

Original organiser then publicly handed over responsibility to you to organise the alternative night.

You then either didn't, or couldn't, organise a night out for the alternative night.

When nothing was organised the others reverted to the night that you definitely couldn't do.

They knew you couldn't attend so didn't bother involving you in logistics.

Not sure what the problem is

SS1983 · 31/12/2023 13:31

I have have a few times not been able to make it to such things , and same with others in the group. If majority can make it, I tell them to carry on, that’s the logical thing to do. I’d never ask someone to find another date esp if I wasn’t organising myself. What a nightmare

SS1983 · 31/12/2023 13:33

DarkForces · 31/12/2023 11:20

I think your mistake was not saying sorry you can't make it and have a lovely time rather than expecting her to reorganise around you. Their response was out of proportion though

Exactly this , just let the majority carry on

GauntJudy · 31/12/2023 13:40

Organising stuff like this is a ball ache.

Look at it from the organisers pov. The only response she got from the group was the OP saying date no good. She was probably a bit pissed off with everyone by that point and just thought "let them get on with it themselves" hence the handing over.

It's interesting that after that handover, the others in the group must have responded directed to original organiser saying "actually the date suits us". You'd have thought the conversation would have processed on the original group so OP would be aware it was going ahead without her.

So I think everyone is being unreasonable! Poor communication all round, but sounds like these aren't close friends so I wouldn't expect too much from them or hold any grudges.

blueismycolor · 31/12/2023 13:40

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 11:36

They could have mentioned it went ahead the time we spoke about organising it in advance next time. Like I said in original post I would have been happy that it went ahead.

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But you already said you couldn’t make it? My two friends who we always invite each other went out without me when I was away and never mentioned it before or afterwards - I just saw it on social media. But who cares? They knew I couldn’t make it so didn’t bother with asking.

Being the organiser is shit. You should have just said you couldn’t make that date and left it at that. Expecting it to be rearranged around you is unreasonable. She’s probably got frustrated and felt you should have the burden of planning it.

And the date you picked didn’t work and you expected none of them to go out for the original date? Or expected them to run it by you? Wow.

This is such a non issue.

sandyhappypeople · 31/12/2023 13:42

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 13:31

Trying to understand timelines.

Original date proposed, you said you couldn't make it and suggested alternative date.

Original organiser then publicly handed over responsibility to you to organise the alternative night.

You then either didn't, or couldn't, organise a night out for the alternative night.

When nothing was organised the others reverted to the night that you definitely couldn't do.

They knew you couldn't attend so didn't bother involving you in logistics.

Not sure what the problem is

this is how I understand it but the only thing I don't understand is that they obviously all talked about reverting to the original date so did they do that off the group chat? Did they set up a new group without you in it?

In which case I would find that odd and mean, why not just continue to discuss it on the original group chat.

It sounds like there's a bit more to this then you're saying because you've just said in your last post that you told them you were happy for them to go without you on the original date, so why would any of them hide it?

Original poster

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 13:53

mouldyfalafel · 31/12/2023 13:16

This is how I read it too- you could have tried arranging a different date that suited everyone but you didnt, you said you just "left it". Now you're pissed off that they all went out without you. But why shouldn't they?- they did include you and you said no and you didnt bother to arrange an alternative date.

They can't win here- if they had discussed the original date on the group chat you would have got pissed about them rubbing your face in it knowing you can't make it, so literally whatever they do in this scenario you would have been angry!

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I am NOT pissed off they went out without me - I am pissed off that they kept quiet about it when we discussed booking next year's event. If they had messaged me that night and said we are having a great night I would have been happy for them as I could not attend due to having been at work conference.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 13:55

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 13:31

Trying to understand timelines.

Original date proposed, you said you couldn't make it and suggested alternative date.

Original organiser then publicly handed over responsibility to you to organise the alternative night.

You then either didn't, or couldn't, organise a night out for the alternative night.

When nothing was organised the others reverted to the night that you definitely couldn't do.

They knew you couldn't attend so didn't bother involving you in logistics.

Not sure what the problem is

all ok apart from no. 3 - I did try to organise but original organiser was busy plus 2 others so let them know I would abandon the plan.

OP posts:

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 31/12/2023 13:56

So, you couldn't go on the first date, you didn't organise an alternative date and you are surprised they kept it from you. Sounds about right?

Why would they rub your nose in not attending. Maybe they thought as you had given up on arranging an alternate date you didn't really want to go.

Original poster

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 13:57

sandyhappypeople · 31/12/2023 13:42

this is how I understand it but the only thing I don't understand is that they obviously all talked about reverting to the original date so did they do that off the group chat? Did they set up a new group without you in it?

In which case I would find that odd and mean, why not just continue to discuss it on the original group chat.

It sounds like there's a bit more to this then you're saying because you've just said in your last post that you told them you were happy for them to go without you on the original date, so why would any of them hide it?

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I was the only one to reply to the organiser - she got pissed off with all of us but gave me the job of organising for the dates that suited me. When I couldnt get enough to go I abandoned plan and I guess the others let her know they would go on the day she suggested. They probably didnt let me know because they wrongly thought I would be offended.

OP posts:

NeedToChangeName · 31/12/2023 14:03

MummyJ36 · 31/12/2023 11:33

I’m often the organiser for things and it is very unhelpful when someone just states they can’t make the date and then expects the organiser to go back to the drawing board. I often preface by saying we will go with the date that the majority can do so that there is an understanding that not everyone can be accommodated. Maybe the organiser was just a bit exasperated, it doesn’t sound like you meant any harm OP but perhaps you could take a lead next time? The organiser always gets to go themselves!

Edited

Agree with this. I'd have been irritated by OP suggesting alternative dates

Zonder · 31/12/2023 14:08

You should have kept your response to the group chat. There's only 6 of you. They might have rearranged if you had put it in the big group as other people might have been more sympathetic.

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 14:09

I'm still trying to understand the problem.

You suggested alternative date and half couldn't make it.

5/6 could make original date, so organised that. But obviously didn't tell you because they knew that you couldn't make that date

Original poster

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 14:15

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 14:09

I'm still trying to understand the problem.

You suggested alternative date and half couldn't make it.

5/6 could make original date, so organised that. But obviously didn't tell you because they knew that you couldn't make that date

The problem is that it was kept quiet afterwards - I didnt expect them to include me in the planning of the original date.

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 14:18

What do you mean kept quiet? Surely it just didn't come up in conversation?

How often do you you see these people ?

Why would an event you hadn't been to come up in conversation?

Mantling · 31/12/2023 14:21

Frankly, they were probably just glad the night was happening after the drama and uncertainty. And it’s probably just as well it only happens annually if there’s this much drama about one night out for six people?

Original poster

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 14:22

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 14:18

What do you mean kept quiet? Surely it just didn't come up in conversation?

How often do you you see these people ?

Why would an event you hadn't been to come up in conversation?

It was kept quiet when some of us including the organiser met up a month or so later and among other conversations we discussed booking the next years event. Surely that would have been the time to say it went ahead?

One of the other mums mentioned it innocently recently - this is how I found out it went ahead.

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 14:28

It does seem like you are looking to be offended.

It doesn't seem that anyone kept quiet, just didn't talk about a night that you weren't at.

mangochops · 31/12/2023 14:35

The problem is that it was kept quiet afterwards - I didnt expect them to include me in the planning of the original date

What do you mean “kept quiet”? They invited you and you said no. Why do they need to inform you about what they’re doing on a night you said you weren’t available? You are being a bit controlling about this and I bet if they had talked about it you would say they were being insensitive. I also agree that you seem to be looking for perceived slights here. Bloody hell, so much drama out of nothing

GauntJudy · 31/12/2023 14:37

Yeah try to let it go @Tiredmum200, they are open about arranging next year's in front of you, there's no malice or attempt.to exclude you.