Page 4 | Annual mums night didn't work out

Tiredmum200 · 2023-12-31T11:14:59+00:00

Our end of summer term dinner and nightclub is always organised by the same person but the last one was organised with only a week to go. I let her know that I had a work conference that day and would not be able to make that date but could go on an alternative date. This did not go down well and she said in the group chat that I would be organising different date - this was without messaging me first to confirm if I could do this. I was bemused by the reaction but tried to organise for the following week but she said she could not make it and a few others had booked holidays so I left it at that. Recently I heard that they went ahead with the original date which is fine with me, but nobody mentioned this to me (I had met with some of them since and we discussed booking next year's event with more notice). AIBU to be annoyed with them for keeping it quiet?

realitytransurfing · 31/12/2023 14:38

This is batshit. It wouldnt occur to me to ring my friend up to inform her whom I was going out with and where I was going on a night out that she was invited and declined to attend. She’s not my mum and I’m not 12 ffs

TitaniasAss · 31/12/2023 14:46

realitytransurfing · 31/12/2023 14:38

This is batshit. It wouldnt occur to me to ring my friend up to inform her whom I was going out with and where I was going on a night out that she was invited and declined to attend. She’s not my mum and I’m not 12 ffs

Agreed. Drama over nothing.

Original poster

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 14:47

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 14:28

It does seem like you are looking to be offended.

It doesn't seem that anyone kept quiet, just didn't talk about a night that you weren't at.

LMAO because people tell me I am too easygoing and don't take offence when I should.

Two things that upset me were

being told (not asked) I was going to organise the event

    2.  not being let know that they went ahead with event as I felt bad for *  *wondering if I caused it not to happen

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 14:49

realitytransurfing · 31/12/2023 14:38

This is batshit. It wouldnt occur to me to ring my friend up to inform her whom I was going out with and where I was going on a night out that she was invited and declined to attend. She’s not my mum and I’m not 12 ffs

Where did I say anything about ringing anyone up???

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 31/12/2023 14:52

I would just move on from this tbh.

TitaniasAss · 31/12/2023 14:52

AlchemyLady · 31/12/2023 13:28

I get that, but presumably in your example you'd been invited, said you couldn't go, then someone's said "I'll save you all from the extra messages & take this into another group" or similar. No exclusion.

In this example, organiser lady gave a date, OP messaged directly to say she couldn't make it, then organiser pops up in the whatsapp group to say OP was organising but OP couldn't find a date.
Meanwhile at some point organiser lady has set up a separate group all with the others and organised an event on the original date without OP.

To me, that feels deliberately excluding and sneaky. I realise OP couldn't make the date but a friend would pop up again in the main group and say "well I suggest we go back to the original date then, sorry OP". It's odd behaviour from a friend IMO.

Show quote history

No, one of them (my closest friend) just mentioned in passing when we were out for coffee that they were having problems getting everyone to agree to a time for dinner out etc. I wasn't excluded; I was invited, couldn't attend, therefore there was no need to add me to the group chat for that particular event. I didn't give it another thought. There are 7 of us in the friendship group and we can't all go to everything. An invitation will go out in the main WhatsApp and those who respond positively will generally make their own group to make arrangements. We don't all do everything together anyway but it's no big deal, we're all adults.

realitytransurfing · 31/12/2023 14:53

If they had messaged me that night and said we are having a great night I would have been happy for them as I could not attend due to having been at work conference

You apparently wanted them to message you whilst they were out to tell you they were out! YABU. If going out was so important to you then you should have been more proactive in arranging it instead of some half hearted attempt and then “leaving it” 🤷🏻‍♀️

NorthernGirlie · 31/12/2023 14:59

There's a group of us from work do stuff together - nights away, drinks, dinner, cinema, shopping trips...

Sometimes there's 14 of us, sometimes 2.

Whoever fancies doing something makes a WhatsApp group and adds everyone - offers up the date and activity. Those who can do, those who can't bow out and leave the chat.

If I was organising and someone couldn't come I'd not think to update them on it!

Original poster

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 15:01

realitytransurfing · 31/12/2023 14:53

If they had messaged me that night and said we are having a great night I would have been happy for them as I could not attend due to having been at work conference

You apparently wanted them to message you whilst they were out to tell you they were out! YABU. If going out was so important to you then you should have been more proactive in arranging it instead of some half hearted attempt and then “leaving it” 🤷🏻‍♀️

No I didnt WANT them to message me - in my quote I say "if they had messaged me" etc.

What I DID want/expect is that they would have mentioned it went ahead when we met up a month later.

OP posts:

Wintersun1xxx · 31/12/2023 15:03

I spent years organising office gatherings & trying to suit everyone. As a pp mentioned it was exasperating. Eventually I asked everyone concerned to email me with dates they could manage & include dates they'd be happy to change plans for if already unsuitable. It was then decided to go with the majority & it really helped.

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 15:05

On the first offence.

Someone tried to organise something and your response is, I can't make that date. As a regular organiser that's really annoying. She wasn't suggesting alternative dates or a conversation, she was saying x will happen on y date.

It was perfectly reasonable to then say to you, fine if you want a different date, then organise it.

And again, why would they mention it

Original poster

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 15:06

Wintersun1xxx · 31/12/2023 15:03

I spent years organising office gatherings & trying to suit everyone. As a pp mentioned it was exasperating. Eventually I asked everyone concerned to email me with dates they could manage & include dates they'd be happy to change plans for if already unsuitable. It was then decided to go with the majority & it really helped.

That sounds like a fairer way of doing it. Our organiser always books the venue close to where she lives and only a date that suits herself but mostly this works out for us so not being ungrateful for this.

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 15:08

You just sound like you don't like the organiser and thus trying to be offended.

That may not be true but definitely how its coming across

TitaniasAss · 31/12/2023 15:25

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 15:01

No I didnt WANT them to message me - in my quote I say "if they had messaged me" etc.

What I DID want/expect is that they would have mentioned it went ahead when we met up a month later.

Show quote history

What I DID want/expect is that they would have mentioned it went ahead when we met up a month later

Why though? Why would they mention an event that took place a month previously? I would only expect to hear about that if something in particular/out of the ordinary had happened and even then, only in passing.

This all just seems like something out of nothing.

Original poster

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 15:30

@TitaniasAss

In answer to :
Why though? Why would they mention an event that took place a month previously? I would only expect to hear about that if something in particular/out of the ordinary had happened and even then, only in passing.

Because we were discussing booking next event with more notice than the previous event.

OP posts:

Taytocrisps · 31/12/2023 15:35

I organise lunch for a group of about eight of us every quarter or so. I arrange a date about a month in advance. There's always someone who can't make it. I just set the date and people let me know if they can make it (or not). If they can't make it this time, there's always next time. Even when people say they can go, there's usually a last minute cancellation for one reason or another. It's impossible to get a date to suit everyone.

Nobody has expressed any dissatisfaction with this arrangement. From what I can see, they're just happy that someone else takes it upon themselves to set the date, message everyone, book a restaurant, keep an eye on who is going and who is not, confirm the booking with the restaurant, notify the restaurant about the inevitable last minute cancellations so that the restaurant isn't out of pocket (if two people cancel, they might give us a smaller table and take a booking from a couple).

All of these things take time - the lunches don't magically organise themselves. I really value the lunches (and enjoy the company of my dining companions) which is why I take the trouble to organise them. Anybody trying to mess about with the date would be given short shrift.

Mantling · 31/12/2023 15:39

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 15:30

@TitaniasAss

In answer to :
Why though? Why would they mention an event that took place a month previously? I would only expect to hear about that if something in particular/out of the ordinary had happened and even then, only in passing.

Because we were discussing booking next event with more notice than the previous event.

But you were looking ahead to the next one, a full month after the others had gone out — everyone else had been there apart from you, so why would they still be discussing it a month later? Unless it was a matter of ‘Ugh, the food was awful, let’s go somewhere else next year’?

You seem absolutely determined to think they were deliberately keeping it from you that they had reverted to the original date and gone out — why, though? You say one of the others mentioned it to you ‘perfectly innocently’ since, so why wouldn’t the other four not mentioning it in the group when you met have been equally ‘innocent’?

I’m not clear what you think they did wrong?

Dishwashersaurous · 31/12/2023 15:41

So, when discussing the next one. Did you say, shame last one didn't go-ahead and people lied that would be weird.

Or.was it.just not mentioned, and everyone thought you realised the original date went ahead

Zonder · 31/12/2023 15:44

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 15:30

@TitaniasAss

In answer to :
Why though? Why would they mention an event that took place a month previously? I would only expect to hear about that if something in particular/out of the ordinary had happened and even then, only in passing.

Because we were discussing booking next event with more notice than the previous event.

Maybe they just assumed you knew they still went out, since they were arranging it in a group you were in, and maybe it just wasn't that memorable.

TitaniasAss · 31/12/2023 15:51

Tiredmum200 · 31/12/2023 15:30

@TitaniasAss

In answer to :
Why though? Why would they mention an event that took place a month previously? I would only expect to hear about that if something in particular/out of the ordinary had happened and even then, only in passing.

Because we were discussing booking next event with more notice than the previous event.

Sorry, I'm still not seeing why they wouldn't just assume you already knew it had gone ahead .

diddl · 31/12/2023 16:00

Our organiser always books the venue close to where she lives and only a date that suits herself

Well to be fair she's hardly likely to book a date that doesn't suit her!

As to a venue that's convenient to her-maybe that's a perk of organising?

Others could speak up/take over if it didn't suit?

ClairDeLaLune · 31/12/2023 16:23

I am always the organiser and people like you do my head in. You’re making it all about you. As the organiser I try to please everyone but it’s not always possible. Better that most people go than no-one does. Often if you have to wait for everyone it doesn’t happen. And your attempt to organise an alternative date was feeble.

You weren’t going, so why would they need to let you know about it? Please don’t raise this now, you’ll make yourself look ridiculous.

Being the organiser can be a thankless task, I feel sorry for your organiser friend.

ClairDeLaLune · 31/12/2023 16:25

diddl · 31/12/2023 16:00

Our organiser always books the venue close to where she lives and only a date that suits herself

Well to be fair she's hardly likely to book a date that doesn't suit her!

As to a venue that's convenient to her-maybe that's a perk of organising?

Others could speak up/take over if it didn't suit?

Edited

One friend once had a go at me for organising things that suit me. Well I’m hardly going to organise things that don’t suit me, fuck that!

pillof · 31/12/2023 16:42

Mmmm, maybe you've hugely misread the tone of the chat, and how your comments appear to others.

When you first replied to say you couldn't make X date but could make Y date, did it come across like you expected the event to be moved to suit you?

And when the organiser said 'Ok, Tiredmum will now organise it', did she really mean that? Or was it a frustrated, sarcastic remark?

You're fixated on what happened after that, but sounds like you may have caused some tension yourself, by being a bit oblivious.

mangochops · 31/12/2023 17:09

You seem absolutely determined to think they were deliberately keeping it from you that they had reverted to the original date and gone out — why, though? You say one of the others mentioned it to you ‘perfectly innocently’ since, so why wouldn’t the other four not mentioning it in the group when you met have been equally ‘innocent’?

I’m not clear what you think they did wrong?

Yes, exactly.. Why would they be informing you they went out a month ago and why are they being so out of order not doing that? None of this makes any bloody sense whatsoever. How would you have been better off knowing that a month ago they met up on a date you couldn't make? You are absolutely determined to be pissed off about this and nothing anyone says about YABU will make you see sense! So, crack on with being angry and upset. It's only affecting you, noone else. If you want to spend NYE feeling angry and betrayed then do it.