Annual mums night didn't work out

[Tiredmum200]

Our end of summer term dinner and nightclub is always organised by the same person but the last one was organised with only a week to go. I let her know that I had a work conference that day and would not be able to make that date but could go on an alternative date. This did not go down well and she said in the group chat that I would be organising different date - this was without messaging me first to confirm if I could do this. I was bemused by the reaction but tried to organise for the following week but she said she could not make it and a few others had booked holidays so I left it at that. Recently I heard that they went ahead with the original date which is fine with me, but nobody mentioned this to me (I had met with some of them since and we discussed booking next year's event with more notice). AIBU to be annoyed with them for keeping it quiet?

To be honest I was kind of hoping that one of the other 3 dates that I could go would suit most people in the group - I wasn't expecting her to re-arrange the date just for me, probably wishful thinking on my part but not wanting to miss any outings as I enjoy our get togethers and we missed out on meeting up previously because of covid lockdowns.

She wasn't being sarcastic asking me to organise - maybe throwing her toys out of the pram because the others hadnt bothered to reply and I was the only one to reply with saying I couldnt go on that particular night.

Had forgotten about all of this and put it behind me until I found out recently that it had gone ahead (which is not the problem) - I still think they could have mentioned it when we were discussing it a month after it went ahead.

We have not fallen out over it and I'm sure it will be organised well ahead of time this year.

Well said! I am the organiser and frankly, I am sick of it. It's so much work trying to text everyone finding a date that everyone can do. If you arent willing to take on that task OP, then stop moaning about it.

I get a strong sense that you don't like organiser. Perhaps she feels it too?

And I wonder if she's fed up that she gets left to organise (none of the others of you had stepped up) and the gets either blanked or alternative arrangements suggested.

And not only did you suggest alternative dates, you did it privately to her rather than on the group chat. Again, you didn't take responsibility to deal with this but made it clear that you expected her to arrange things around your availability.

You created the tension around the date. The others were free. So they went ahead but didn't mention it to you in case it offended.

They weren't sneaky. They haven't excluded you from the group. They've simply met up because it was convenient to do so but you were sadly unavailable.

You're making a situation out of this that doesn't merit it.

I would be annoyed if no one came back to me on a date suggestion apart from one person in a private message that requested a different date that didn't suit. It's a pain organising a group event and finding a date that works for most people.

I don't see why you care about them not directly telling you they went ahead.

I would be annoyed if no one came back to me on a date suggestion apart from one person in a private message that requested a different date that didn't suit

Yes, if you don't like things being kept quiet/secret then why didnt you just post in the group chat you couldn't make that date? why did you text the organiser privately and put her on the spot like that?

I would have texted in the group chat something like "oh so sorry guys, I can't make that date, any other dates you could do?" By texting the organiser privately, she then has to go back and forth with you privately to find a date, and THEN check with everyone else in the group, creating a ridiculous amount of extra work for her. That's probably why she put it in the group chat that you'd be organising it, as by choosing to text her privately you've then created much more hassle for her. I'd be pissed off with you if I was her.

But the dates you put forward didn't suit the rest of them, the original one did, so they went on that date. It sounds a little like your nose is out of joint because the whole event wasn't changed to suit you, despite what you claim.

I'm the organiser with a few groups. Honestly it's really shitty when people start throwing in different random dates, it just doesn't work. WhatsApp polls are best; I throw out a range of dates that I can make and state we will go with the majority group (maybe a caveat that it must include X who missed the last two, to keep it fair). The people who dick about with not committing, adding dates, don't want Y place but no suggestions etc... mostly dropped from groups to be honest, life is just too short for that crap.

Well you found out so it wasn't that much of a secret. Maybe nobody specifically mentioned it to you because you didnt need to know. It wasn't a secret. You'd already said you couldn't do that date.
I don't understand what you're upset about. Most could go the other date so when you suggested 1 date then no more, someone stepped in and said let's go with the first date then. Seems perfectly reasonable.
Don't be a 🐕 in a manager

I don't see the point of group chats when people don't post to the group. You messaged her to say you can't do that date. She probably thought well you organise it then. You tried and people couldn't do that date. They obviously then pulled their finger out and replied to her to say they could do the original date but to her rather than the group.

Why not just set a date a year ahead.
You should have just bowed out gracefully. Not forced the issue.

I think some of the mums are close friends. She knew their holiday dates and organised it accordingly. You threw a spanner in the works.
She did her best around most dates. Sorry. Xxx

I would have thought that, at step 4, someone would have have mentioned that they were going on the original date, and would start a new chat group so the OP wouldn’t see all the messages.
Especially if one of them is a close friend of the OP.

Theres 5 us its tricky to arrange. Can see why people dont take it on. We found same one couldnt make it others could. But we just put it to next week. Must be a nightmare in big groups!

As an organiser, no that doesn't really work for most groups. A certain period out, say 3 months, and most people THINK they can come. Then their sister is suddenly visiting from overseas / MIL is holding a birthday party / wedding invite arrives / school announce a concert... all immovable events. Best thing is just to set up a date every few months instead of annual, then whoever can make it comes and others like OP have to learn not to get all pissy about people going out on a date they can't manage.

Organising nights out for a group of people is stressful. People who don't usually take this on don't know how frustrating it can be. She was probably fed up.

Why would an event a month previously be brought up in conversations
? Especially if you didn't go to it? I think you're massively over thinking it.

Why are you giving this headspace, 5 months on ?

I have to agree it reads like you are looking for drama here.

A person suggests a night out to a group.
It is short notice, so understandably not everyone can go, but it goes ahead.
Those that went didn't feel they needed to report in to those that couldn't go.
5 months later, you are stewing over the fact nobody contacted you to tell you they all had a nice night out without you .

I mean ......... ??

My thoughts exactly. Also, who expects that an event will just not take place because they can’t make it??? And then being snarky about the organiser choosing a convenient date & location for themselves. Arranging events for more than a few people is a giant pain in the arse and most of us are just decently grateful when somebody else takes it on.

Having been the organiser for a number of things my sympathies are with the organiser. It can be a huge amount of rigmarole and there is such a variance in people's attitudes to it. Some are definitely in, some see it as a nice potential option and some are just place marking out of nosiness I think. I have been particularly annoyed by people that put themselves as 'attending' on a Facebook event when you haven't seen them in two years and they don't come or engage with any of the chat. Basically set a date that the majority can do and give reliable people more priority.

As I said previously I was not pissed off because the event went ahead, I was annoyed that nobody mentioned it when we were discussing next year's event. In our group we often discuss previous nights out - I don't think this is anything unusual. Fine if people think I am being unreasonable, but please do not accuse me of being miffed that the event went ahead without me.

Perhaps they forgot or there was nothing to say! You aren't and shouldn't be the centre of their world. They don't tell you every single thing they did, simply because it doesn't occur to them to tell you. A missed the last catch-up of B group, I honestly can't tell you what happened, it was just a night out. C and D missed E group; we had some drinks and hot dogs, F talked a lot about her DH issues and G talked a lot about her DC issues, H and I listened mostly, then we went home; nothing for me to update C and D about because they aren't my stories.

I personally think you're friends were doing you a kindness, I'm pretty sure when you told them to go ahead without you as you couldn't make that date, they either knew you were a little annoyed that they wouldn't re-arrange it or they didn't want to be dicks and start talking about the great time they had when you weren't there to have it with them. If this was me and we went without you, I wouldn't hide it obviously but I would be so tactless as to bring it up and talk about it in front of you in case you felt left out in the conversation, I would only talk about it if YOU brought it up.

Unless you've got reason to doubt their motives I think you are reading too much into this by far.

Why didn't you ask them if they had a nice time? You told them to go ahead without you so you must have assumed they would.

How many are in the group? Why not bin it off and just arrange your own smaller meet ups with the people who are actually friends?