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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by family at Christmas

328 replies

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:32

I had arranged for myself and DC to spend Christmas with my parents as have been unwell this past year with a rare soft tissue infection requiring numerous surgeries.

I had arranged to drive to my parents as mum has early stage dementia and dad has developed a motorway phobia during Covid.

I had a TIA (mini stroke) connected to my infection so I couldn't drive for 6 months so my MOT expired. Took it in for MOT and service as usual, but due to it being off the road for so long it needed additional parts that weren't in stock. (It's an older Mini Roadster so they said they'd need to order but that their warehouse was closing for Christmas).

I looked into getting the train instead, but we live in a village and no buses run on a Sunday (which xmas eve fell on). I couldn't afford a taxi at time and a half on xmas eve to get to the next town where the station is because money is tight this year as I haven't been able to work due to my illness.

I asked my dad if he could possibly pick us up as I'd found a non motorway route. I also asked my brother as its a 1 hour 10 minute drive each way. (My brother always goes to my parents as his wife is Italian, so always goes back to her mum in Italy).

My brother blanked my email. My dad messaged back to say that wouldn't be possible as he'd made plans with my brother that wouldn't allow for 2 and a half hours out of their time to come and get us. He seemed irritated and said 'you said you were driving here!'. Even tho I explained the unexpected problem with my car.

I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own.

I feel upset and let down though by my dad and brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
UngratefulOldCabbage · 31/12/2023 08:57

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 31/12/2023 07:41

Why didn't you travel on the Saturday since taxis weren't time and a half and buses were running? Why didn't you get extra supplies in on the Saturday? Your reason for not doing those things were that it was Sunday/Christmas eve but now you say it was actually the Saturday at midday

That's what I thought - the initial reasons as it was Sunday don't stand now that the OP has updated that it was actually Saturday. And if the car was left at the garage, how did she get back to the rural village without needing to pass a shop? Unfortunately disorganisation is very wearing on other people and maybe her family have enough to deal with this year without sorting her out as well?

NYE2023 · 31/12/2023 09:01

I would also feel pretty sad in OPs@Babyandfurbabymum shoes and think some of you have been a bit harsh . She has had a heck of a bad year health wise and having a Seton drain in place still ( which could likely be there for some time ) is absolutely no picnic .

my husbands parents would have acted similarly - never been known to lift a finger for others even in the most tricky of circumstances inc very serious illness ( three such occasions ) - and so I understand the bewildering lack of empathy - but I also know my dad probably would have found a way to get me & his grandchild to Christmas Day so I am sad this didn’t happen for you- and I would hope that a sibling knowing that my dad was nervous would step up if they were around rather than allow an elderly parent to be anxious . Also sad for your mum too .

I hope that you are also able to find a way to work through this and still are able to enjoy quality time with your mum . Dementia isn’t easy either.

sending you best wishes for a healthier 2024

WGACA · 31/12/2023 09:04

Buy the yummy food you missed out on for tonight’s NYE celebrations.

Gettingbysomehow · 31/12/2023 09:05

I'm sorry for everything you've been through this year but you really shouldn't have left your car to the last minute. You cannot expect people to be driving for hours at Xmas because you weren't organised in time.
My son and his wife rang me the day before boxing day to ask if they could come for Xmas and I said no. I work full time, I had nothing in and had other plans. I need a month's notice not a days notice. I just couldn't face all that running about on Xmas eve at my age.

Gettingbysomehow · 31/12/2023 09:05

Not boxing day....Xmas eve.

Fingeronthebutton · 31/12/2023 09:05

Give the girl a break 😡 She’s had a shit year with her health and loss of work.
Be kind 🙂

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 09:07

UngratefulOldCabbage · 31/12/2023 08:57

That's what I thought - the initial reasons as it was Sunday don't stand now that the OP has updated that it was actually Saturday. And if the car was left at the garage, how did she get back to the rural village without needing to pass a shop? Unfortunately disorganisation is very wearing on other people and maybe her family have enough to deal with this year without sorting her out as well?

Show quote history

Rural garages often drive their customers home if the car has to left. My local garage does.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 31/12/2023 09:09

FrenchandSaunders · 31/12/2023 06:42

I would have done this without a thought but I know people who wouldn’t. I’ve done loads of long trips for our adult DDs, some where DH thinks I’m being taken for a mug but I think even he would have done this trip.

Have you spoken to them since?

Same here. Then again, that OP contacted her brother by email rather than phone maybe tells us something about their relationship….

MadamVastra · 31/12/2023 09:09

meanwhile in an alternate universe

XelaM · 31/12/2023 09:12

Gettingbysomehow · 31/12/2023 09:05

I'm sorry for everything you've been through this year but you really shouldn't have left your car to the last minute. You cannot expect people to be driving for hours at Xmas because you weren't organised in time.
My son and his wife rang me the day before boxing day to ask if they could come for Xmas and I said no. I work full time, I had nothing in and had other plans. I need a month's notice not a days notice. I just couldn't face all that running about on Xmas eve at my age.

Wow you said "no" to seeing your son at Christmas because you couldn't be bothered and need a months' notice? I'm honestly shocked at MN's attitude to adult kids. I hope you're not expecting him to care for you in old age.

ClairDeLaLune · 31/12/2023 09:13

Ah OP that is sad. You’ve had a rubbish year, I think your family would have helped you. I would have done that for a family member, but I guess I can see that others wouldn’t. I’d think them pretty mean though, they could’ve sent you money for a taxi if they couldn’t come and get you. Although it’s quite likely your brother didn’t see the email, especially if he was busy with your parents.

I hope you have a better year next year Flowers

TriciaMcMillan · 31/12/2023 09:14

@Babyandfurbabymum just to flag, it's not clear who you're replying to. If you use the quote function it will include the post you are responding to and is easier to follow.

itisgettinghardto · 31/12/2023 09:16

Can I ask OP that you please quote the PP you're replying to, I can't follow some of this!

Anyway, my sympathies with your bad year and disappointing Xmas but it was a bit of a big ask last minute. Some family will move heaven and earth to help, others are more hard nosed/pragmatic.

Gettingbysomehow · 31/12/2023 09:21

XelaM · 31/12/2023 09:12

Wow you said "no" to seeing your son at Christmas because you couldn't be bothered and need a months' notice? I'm honestly shocked at MN's attitude to adult kids. I hope you're not expecting him to care for you in old age.

Show quote history

What tripe. I dont celebrate Xmas because I'm another religion. I'm in my mid 60s and work very long hours in an extremely stressful job in the NHS right up to Xmas day. I have no tree, no food in the house whatsoever and had planned to spend Xmas day and boxing day with a friend who also doesn't celebrate Xmas. My DS who incidentally is 41 years old knew all this.
When the hell am I supposed to shop, cook and prepare the house with NO notice when I'm working.
Unbelievable. Thete is no excuse whatsoever for giving me no notice znd they weren't offering to bring anything to help out.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 09:22

i’d love to hear from the brother and father

i suspect there’s many years of the OP being disorganised, last minute demands, being indignant about people
not jumping to her whims.

And i note that the Op was not invited. she “arranged” to go to her parents due to practical reasons that suited her.

Gettingbysomehow · 31/12/2023 09:22

And no I didn't have kids so that they could look after me in my old age. That's a lousy reason to have kids.

SoupDragon · 31/12/2023 09:22

There are some really nasty people here! The OP has had a really shitty year and you are laying into her like the traditional nest of vipers. You should be ashamed.

I would make the drive to pick up a family member on those circumstances. As would my remaining family. Thankfully we do actually care about each other despite not living in each others pockets.

DeniseLucy · 31/12/2023 09:24

If you were my daughter/sister I’d have come pick you up with no hesitation. What a thoroughly miserable year you’ve had, I’m so sorry.

tescocreditcard · 31/12/2023 09:26

Only read the first page but from w hat I've read

YABVU - you left it too late to ask people for lifts and things.

Have you got something absolutely fabulous planned for New Years Eve or New Years Day to compensate?

Evanesy · 31/12/2023 09:26

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:55

On gmail like we have you get alerts to your phone immediately just like whatsapp as we have Samsung Android phones linked to Google. I don't get a good signal in my village so whilst at home I communicate that way.

Just FYI, I use Gmail but don’t have alerts set up. In fact, I don’t know anyone who does have email alerts set up on their phone. Most people I know check their emails throughout the day and only see new emails then.

Footyfandango · 31/12/2023 09:27

SoupDragon · 31/12/2023 09:22

There are some really nasty people here! The OP has had a really shitty year and you are laying into her like the traditional nest of vipers. You should be ashamed.

I would make the drive to pick up a family member on those circumstances. As would my remaining family. Thankfully we do actually care about each other despite not living in each others pockets.

This 100%

Zanatdy · 31/12/2023 09:27

Some of the comments on here are awful. The OP has been very unwell, god forbid any of you get so sick you’re having countless surgeries and trying to recover and someone is judging you for not being organised. Honestly, some of you need to go and give your heads a wobble.

OP I think it’s a bit miserable none of them could change their plans to collect you. I suspect your mum would have been upset too that you couldn’t come for Christmas. Yes it was short notice but if one of my children couldn’t get home for Christmas (whatever age they are) I’d drop everything. My late father would have driven to Spain to collect me, no matter what the notice. So no, you’re not being unreasonable being a bit upset by it.

Viviennemary · 31/12/2023 09:29

Gettingbysomehow · 31/12/2023 09:21

What tripe. I dont celebrate Xmas because I'm another religion. I'm in my mid 60s and work very long hours in an extremely stressful job in the NHS right up to Xmas day. I have no tree, no food in the house whatsoever and had planned to spend Xmas day and boxing day with a friend who also doesn't celebrate Xmas. My DS who incidentally is 41 years old knew all this.
When the hell am I supposed to shop, cook and prepare the house with NO notice when I'm working.
Unbelievable. Thete is no excuse whatsoever for giving me no notice znd they weren't offering to bring anything to help out.

Show quote history

Absolutely. If they wanted to come they should have given you proper time to get organised. These selfish entitled folk who expect everyone to run round after their bad planning. And drop their own plans to accommodate them. And then whine when they don't. Ridiculous.

Indiseven · 31/12/2023 09:29

The bottom line is that your family didn’t care enough about you to make the journey to pick you up so you could be with them on Christmas Day. This is hurtful and I would feel as you do. I would have made the journey without a second thought to ensure one of my children and grandchild or my sibling could come, and were not left on their own for Christmas. I probably would have expressed a bit of frustration at the situation but there’s no way I wouldn’t have gone. So you know where you stand now, let’s hope your brother doesn’t need your help if he ever finds himself in a similar situation. He may not have picked up his emails but I assume his father would have told him about your predicament.

2024i · 31/12/2023 09:30

To be frank, just take it as a sign to continue doing your own thing for Christmas and make your plan for next year to have the Christmas at your home that you wish you could have had this year. You don’t need them.