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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by family at Christmas

328 replies

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 06:32

I had arranged for myself and DC to spend Christmas with my parents as have been unwell this past year with a rare soft tissue infection requiring numerous surgeries.

I had arranged to drive to my parents as mum has early stage dementia and dad has developed a motorway phobia during Covid.

I had a TIA (mini stroke) connected to my infection so I couldn't drive for 6 months so my MOT expired. Took it in for MOT and service as usual, but due to it being off the road for so long it needed additional parts that weren't in stock. (It's an older Mini Roadster so they said they'd need to order but that their warehouse was closing for Christmas).

I looked into getting the train instead, but we live in a village and no buses run on a Sunday (which xmas eve fell on). I couldn't afford a taxi at time and a half on xmas eve to get to the next town where the station is because money is tight this year as I haven't been able to work due to my illness.

I asked my dad if he could possibly pick us up as I'd found a non motorway route. I also asked my brother as its a 1 hour 10 minute drive each way. (My brother always goes to my parents as his wife is Italian, so always goes back to her mum in Italy).

My brother blanked my email. My dad messaged back to say that wouldn't be possible as he'd made plans with my brother that wouldn't allow for 2 and a half hours out of their time to come and get us. He seemed irritated and said 'you said you were driving here!'. Even tho I explained the unexpected problem with my car.

I made the best of it with crackers left over from last year etc. And had presents here for DS. And luckily managed to pull together a roast as had stuff in the freezer. But it wasn't as nice as usual as I hadn't bought the 'extras' I would have bought had I known we'd be at home on our own.

I feel upset and let down though by my dad and brother.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:32

But I've been ill and in hospital it's not like I've been twiddling my thumbs

OP posts:
XelaM · 31/12/2023 08:35

My dad would literally drive anywhere to get us for Christmas (he drove to France from Germany and back to collect me, my daughter and our dog) so I totally understand why you're feeling let down OP, but I think having really nice loving parents is unusual on MN so most wouldn't do it. My brother would have probably said "no" though 😅

MrsNandortheRelentless · 31/12/2023 08:35

OP I actually think that it was not great of your family to say no at Christmas.
Surely there was a point in the day to come for you, if it were me, I would have done. No question.
They know what a crap
time you have had and that the failing car was not on purpose but one of those things, both have cars, either could have come for you even if it was later in the day.

Sounds like you managed to pull together a nice meal and day,
Hope 2024 is much better for you x

LittleBearPad · 31/12/2023 08:35

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 08:31

OP lives in a rural location - OF COURSE she's going to prioritise getting her car roadworthy.

Show quote history

She’s managed for 9 months with no car. So no reason now is the moment she needs it versus a taxi and train

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 08:36

Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:24

It was too late by time I realised I needed to change plans have you bothered to read my post??

Yes I read your posts. No, I don’t mean the decision you made during Christmas weekend.

Which incidentally you could have since the Saturday was normal rates, if Christmas Eve rates is what was stopping you.

i mean when you decided you wanted to go there for travel. Why did you decided on an expensive MOT and Service rather plan to travel by train or such.

I get the feeling that you may feel like you can’t ask them for help usually. So insisted you would get your car back on the road and you would do the traveling, suspecting it might be tight time wise. Rather than arrange for them to get to you or travel another way and get the. To pick up at the station:

It’s not a judgement. Lots of us do it. Don’t like asking for help so make plans that are likely to go wrong or make like very difficult.

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 08:36

Bleechy · 31/12/2023 07:53

I'd make sure you never got invited to my house again if I was your dad
He can't drive easily to you and he's looking after your mum with dementia
You were willing to drive there for a free Christmas lunch but not to spend time with them before this
Shame on you

I am betting that if you were her parent (or mine), you'd never be asked because there would be NC. 😆

Oh, and Dad? How nice of you to be able to go out with your son and do whatever you wanted. I hope you got someone to sit with your wife and look after her. You didn't? Color me shocked.

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 08:37

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 08:31

OP lives in a rural location - OF COURSE she's going to prioritise getting her car roadworthy.

Show quote history

its a lot of money to pay out if she continues to not be able to drive or.

and mot and service at a mini dealership is eye wateringly expensive. Especially, if you will struggle to drive it often.

DeeLusional · 31/12/2023 08:40

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 06:50

YABU (and it was bloomin relevant that all this happened on christmas eve midday but you thought you’d neglect to mention in your OP!)

OP has been ill for some time with several debilitating conditions, it's a bit harsh to criticise her for not being completely on the ball. What is sad is that given her state of health, no one was in touch with her well beforehand to make sure xmas arrangements were sorted.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:40

To be fair, we did have a falling out 3 years ago (have since made up tho). And by the way, my dad was on my side. To cut a long story short my brother belittled me about something and it caused me offence as it was a discriminatory attitude that I stood up against. I can't stand people looking down their noses at others. Noone is better than anyone.

OP posts:
legosnowqueen · 31/12/2023 08:42

It may have been difficult for your DDad to collect you but of course your DBro should have stepped up - you'd clearly had a difficult time health wise & family is what Christmas is all about. Hope your recovery continues & that you can visit your parents in the New Year Flowers

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 08:42

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 08:37

its a lot of money to pay out if she continues to not be able to drive or.

and mot and service at a mini dealership is eye wateringly expensive. Especially, if you will struggle to drive it often.

Show quote history

I live rurally - and public transport is non existent! Op will have no choice but to get the car up and running somehow.
especially if she has health problems.

Vinrouge4 · 31/12/2023 08:42

I would move heaven on earth to collect one of my children and grandchildren for Christmas. Your family don’t sound very nice.

Londonrach1 · 31/12/2023 08:42

Yabu. You left it too late to ask. Not your family's fault. Hope you managed to have a good Christmas.

Tilllly · 31/12/2023 08:43

No @alexisccd , I didn't miss it

I'm sorry for her health struggles, and sorry that neither she nor her family didn't arrange something sooner so she didn't have to drive at all

I was giving my opinion - that for me, it's about if someone is usually disorganised or not

RowanMayfair · 31/12/2023 08:43

KateyCuckoo · 31/12/2023 07:19

I have no time for people with such poor organisation.

So poor it's almost unbelievable.

Who the hell emails their brother??

Your lack of compassion is almost unbelievable. I'm sure the OP would feel no loss at being someone you have no time for!

Dontmisslifewaitingforcloudstopass · 31/12/2023 08:44

Can’t believe the hard time you’re getting here. So sorry for you.
Any of my family would have come and if truely not possible would have paid for the taxi to the station.

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 08:45

So interesting the different pov!
I know which ones I would like as friends and family!!! Some people are super cold and indifferent, I hope they are happy with the sane treatment when the time comes.
Karma 🪷

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:46

Not sure you read my original post but I had a TIA (mini stroke!) so DVLA don't ALLOW you to drive. It wasn't a case of managing believe me. It's been stressful

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:47

Thanks! Yep getting a right bashing on here. But I respect people's opinions x

OP posts:
Anonymouseposter · 31/12/2023 08:50

I guess your Dad was probably nervous about the drive anyway. If he developed a motorway phobia during Covid he may well have also lost confidence on busy roads and driving in the dark. Your brother may have not seen his email or just not wanted to spend time on it at short notice. I think you were asking a lot of them. Sorry you have been so unwell and hope your health improves. I do think YABU

CanImakethisbetter · 31/12/2023 08:50

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 08:42

I live rurally - and public transport is non existent! Op will have no choice but to get the car up and running somehow.
especially if she has health problems.

Show quote history

Yes again, I am asking op a question.

She was desperate to get home. Struggling to get the car in due to her health.

I am asking if that might not have been the best plan. Or even if she had planned further out would her brother have helped out.

Or even, is she the one who insisted she could get there under her own steam but didn’t think it through and is there something she could do different.

Plenty of people, especially women, but themselves under pressure and make unrealistic plans so that they appear to not bother anyone. Op is ill. She may need to learn how to not do that. For her own sake.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:51

That's fine. I want people's opinions. Good or bad. But I'm normally super organised I've just been knocked down with illness this past year and it's affected every aspect of my life

OP posts:
ilovebagpuss · 31/12/2023 08:51

It sounds like you didn't get organised for your visit early enough perhaps as you had been ill and couldn't. It does sound like it wasn't meant to be.
A lot of elderly folk wouldn't fancy doing 2 hours round trip in winter so I can see your DF point of view.
It's a shame your DB couldn't help out but it doesn't sound like you are close at all.
I do think they let you down as they could have agreed to come get you for Boxing Day or come to you for a visit.
But to be fair it sounds a bit messy on both sides to fully blame them.

Tacotortoise · 31/12/2023 08:53

If it was lunchtime Saturday not lunchtime Sunday when you asked for a lift then I think YANBU to feel let down. That's a poor effort on their behalf.
Hope you health improves in 2024.

Original poster
Babyandfurbabymum · 31/12/2023 08:55

On gmail like we have you get alerts to your phone immediately just like whatsapp as we have Samsung Android phones linked to Google. I don't get a good signal in my village so whilst at home I communicate that way.

OP posts: