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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish he had friends

152 replies

NotMYChild · 30/12/2023 22:27

Anyone got a DH with no friends? It’s suffocating. He never goes out. Expects to come everywhere with me and kids. I have to plan our diary, come up with ideas etc. Anyone else got this? How do you cope?

OP posts:
AmazingDayz · 30/12/2023 22:29

Did he have friends before you met?

SENDhelp2023 · 30/12/2023 22:29

Why wouldnt he come out with you and fcs when your off work together?

ReadyForPumpkins · 30/12/2023 22:32

Can’t vote unless you explain if he’s always been like this. If not, what has changed?

alwaysbreaks · 30/12/2023 22:36

My new lodger is like that. Never goes apart work or to take his nearly adult daughters to places.

I am friends with him and his wife (they split years ago) and never understood her frustration at him as he was a good dad etc. I Sam fully see it now and how suffocating it must have been for fed and bloody boring. He has zero interests and is always home. I find it so bizarre!

alwaysbreaks · 30/12/2023 22:37

Sorry that wasn’t helpful but I feel your frustration and I could not cope with a partner like yours.

It’s so dull and makes them very boring to be around when it’s every day.

Mumof2NDers · 30/12/2023 22:40

Get him a dog! 😁
My DH used to be the same. Worked and came home, that was it. Usually had a face like a smacked arse.
Got a dog 4 years ago. He walks the dog for 3 hours every day. I get some peace and he’s made some new dog walker friends! He’s lost some weight and is a much happier person. It’s stopped me strangling him. 😅

Hankunamatata · 30/12/2023 22:42

He needs a hobby. Or if your kids are younger lots of hobbies he can take them to. Dh made loads of dad friends at a couple of kids hobbies

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/12/2023 22:42

I have two friends with husbands like this. They are both genuinely lovely guys and excellent husbands and fathers, successful in their work, great to sit and chat with... they just don't feel the need for friends. They come from good families, and they have formed their own good families, and they are completely happy with that.

Both friends have expressed some frustration with it over the years, and it would irk me too tbh but I can also see the positive side. Overall I think I could work with it.

Goatymum · 30/12/2023 22:44

Men don’t seem to keep in contact with old friends as much as women do, in general that is. My dh had loads of friends growing up and when we met, etc but he’s so bad at keeping in touch that most of our social life is via me & I feel he pressures me to make arrangements, but it’s post-covid I have also lost touch with a few people for various reasons!
He does play sport once a week and sees friends there & he vaguely keeps in touch with a couple of others/they have school ‘reunions’ once a year or so.
He works v hard so I suppose he just doesn’t have time to maintain friendships, whereas I see it as really important.

Original poster
NotMYChild · 30/12/2023 22:45

We have a dog. He doesn’t take pleasure in walking it. He has no hobbies apart from watching football on TV. Did he have friends before? I think he did but he was a loner of sorts. But he let them all go.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 30/12/2023 23:00

What's wrong with him wanting to go out with you and the kids?

Superfoodie123 · 30/12/2023 23:05

Mine doesn't either. He's such a sweet person but very socially awkward. He doesn't usually know-how to respond to other people and only shows real interest in sport which makes him awkward around people. I'm his best friend but don't find his favourite things that interesting so feel sorry for him. It's exhausting when we're around others as he tends to go quiet and keeps to himself which is frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time because I can't relax as i get worried about him. He's great with my family as they get him but my friends and their partners don't so I've stopped bringing him out to things unless it's something he can't miss. Anyway, solidarity it's crap especially as it does put added pressure on you in lots of areas. I've coped by letting it be, he has lots of wonderful qualities and I wouldn't want to trade those in for someone more social but crap in other ways and that's the way I've been looking at it.

Goateen · 30/12/2023 23:10

He needs hobbies to occupy him. If he finds friends, great. If not, that's also absolutely fine as long he he's enjoying life.

TrickorTreacle · 30/12/2023 23:13

Most Mnetters would love a husband like this, one who never goes out!

lighthearted

Original poster
NotMYChild · 30/12/2023 23:18

Thanks to the genuine posters responding. It means any support network has to come from me and the effort I put into friendships. Any invites we get, all of it because I make an effort with people. And it’s suffocating. That’s all. And it can be lonely. Because our social group isn’t very wide as a result.

OP posts:
FerreroFan · 30/12/2023 23:18

Yes! He WFH too so is always there. I seem to be the recipient of all his thoughts/ opinions/ queries.

I cope by going out myself regularly and keeping a busy social life. Sometimes I stay over at my mum's house. Sometimes I go and just sit in a cafe with a book. I need my personal time as well as time with him. I explained this and he accepts that this works for both of us.

nrrf · 30/12/2023 23:19

My husband is exactly the same - he just seems to see absolutely no need to socialise or have hobbies. He’s kind, supportive, successful at work and loving with me and our daughter

I get frustrated a lot with not having time to myself e.g I go out for the morning/evening and he has time alone which is something I never get.

I try and think of positives as well though. I have friends complain about partners out all weekends/evenings doing hobbies/at the pub/playing golf, football etc so I guess the grass isn’t always greener…

SallyWD · 30/12/2023 23:25

My DH has lots of friends but is such a workaholic that he never names the effort to socialise. When he's not working he wants to spend time with me and the kids. This is lovely but I sometimes wish he'd just go and have fun with his mates.
He does have a hobby that he sometimes does with a couple of friends - maybe one every couple of months.

MyFirstUsername2 · 30/12/2023 23:49

Exactly this.

My DP is a kind, good man and a loving, involved father.

Any invites we get or plans we make are because of me and the effort I have made. I have suffered from depression on and off over the years so that has been hard work.

I agree it is lonely, unstimulating and suffocating. It feels a weighty responsibility on my shoulders and I resent him for it.

CrikeyMajikey · 30/12/2023 23:55

Mine has no social life. He does have 2 friends who he meets up with about every 3 months. He’s been WFH since covid which I think is the problem. His social life is Twitter. I’m a SAHM (kids 16 & 18) so very use to having the house to myself, he’s slowly driving me to really resent him. His world is getting smaller, he’s becoming tediously involved in our home life, he previously was out 13/14 hours per day and did little around the house, which I thought was awful but I actually prefer. Over the years he’s made zero effort to befriend other dads/husbands, had no time for hobbies (loves his work). Now I’m properly bored of him, he brings nothing socially to our life; but in hindsight he never did. I dread the kids going off to Uni, I honestly think I might have to leave him.

ActuallyChristmas · 30/12/2023 23:56

Sounds normal, any friends filter into being friends of both of you. If they don’t it’s odd

Mantling · 31/12/2023 00:08

NotMYChild · 30/12/2023 23:18

Thanks to the genuine posters responding. It means any support network has to come from me and the effort I put into friendships. Any invites we get, all of it because I make an effort with people. And it’s suffocating. That’s all. And it can be lonely. Because our social group isn’t very wide as a result.

Yes, I can imagine. He has no resources other than you, no sources of support, no outlets for fun, no input from different people, no exposure to different experiences, no separate social life. It’s like being the sole earner in a marriage — it’s a lot of pressure.

I don’t know what to advise, OP, because clearly you can’t make him make friends, or have interests. Have you talked to him, and said ‘You need to make a life outside me and the children?’

I honestly couldn’t deal with someone whose sole interest was sport on tv.

SkankingWombat · 31/12/2023 00:09

Can you encourage him to do some volunteering related to DCs' interests? I gave DH a gentle push towards scouting, which has both given him something to do in his free time and widened his social circle. He's also made friends at an exercise class he goes to once or twice a week.

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 31/12/2023 00:11

Yes I totally understand it’s suffocating. We too have very few friends due to his not wanting to socialise which makes me sad.

Mantling · 31/12/2023 00:12

ActuallyChristmas · 30/12/2023 23:56

Sounds normal, any friends filter into being friends of both of you. If they don’t it’s odd

Definitely not odd to have separate friends. We have some joint friends, of course, after 30 years, mostly from our student days, but also have lots of separate ones from different bits of our lives. DH’s current job is a lot more social than mine, but I have friends I see one on one, friends I go climbing with, friends I go to the opera with, a school gate friendship group from the days I did the drop offs etc.