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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish he had friends

152 replies

NotMYChild · 30/12/2023 22:27

Anyone got a DH with no friends? It’s suffocating. He never goes out. Expects to come everywhere with me and kids. I have to plan our diary, come up with ideas etc. Anyone else got this? How do you cope?

OP posts:
Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 12:47

My father was just like this. Not a single friend or hobby and slumped on the sofa his life wasting away when he wasn’t working.
My poor mother was utterly miserable. Lonely and cried endlessly at Christmas, NY or Easter etc. She tried to keep some friends going, but he made it impossible because he was resentful. No one ever invited them to anything in the end as he became socially inept and hard work ( deliberately in my view)

He retired at 57 and her social life ended completely that day. They sit on the sofa day after day doing what he wants - ie nothing, she takes anti depressants to get through life and is desperately unhappy and bitter.

They stopped visiting us 4 years ago even though they can drive and are fit and well. They expect everyone to go to them - no one does. It’s so mindlessly boring to go there. It’s tragic. They waste their lives doing absolutely nothing but staying alive, feed off bad news and moan about everything. Absolute misery. My mother was a beautiful, gregarious and fun loving person once with so many friends and she is now just a shell of herself. It breaks my heart.

YouStupidGirl · 31/12/2023 13:02

.

DobbyRuth · 31/12/2023 13:08

Eek I am this spouse! I have no friends or hobbies, I just work full time, clean, cook and look after my baby. What kind of hobbies do adult women actually do?

Original poster
NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 13:09

@pictoosh Same. Can never just invite anyone around. It feels dysfunctional. And to people saying why can’t he come out with us, he can. But the kids want to do different things and sometimes I just need some space!

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Original poster
NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 13:10

@DobbyRuth You might have family members to talk to instead and be quite satisfied. I don’t.

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Original poster
NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 13:11

@Newchapterbeckons This is so sad to hear. But I can see how it happens.

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Original poster
NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 13:13

@theluckiest Do you feel bad going out? I feel bad when he’s always just stuck here all the time! But it’s his life!

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CMOTDibbler · 31/12/2023 13:13

Now I'm worried that dh is resentful that I don't have friends and don't create couples friends for us. He can go out as much as he likes (out now on his bike) and goes away to events with others but I have no friends or family apart from him and ds. I go and do things, I'm just no good with people, and we both have very full on jobs so I like spending our little time together.

Bestyearever2024 · 31/12/2023 13:19

NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 10:31

@DRS1970 Ha, this was recently suggested to me. He does have adhd. So it’s not impossible but he won’t stay home alone, wants to come everywhere with me and the kids even when I need him to stay with the child who doesn’t want to do what the other child wants to do. Makes me feel bad if I don’t bend to his ideals. It’s exhausting.

Honestly? He won't stay home alone? Wtf? I'm afraid I would NOT put up with this. You need you time not a constant drippy shadow following you around

Imo you need to set aside time for you and draw strong boundaries around that time

If he won't accept that, then divorce him. I expect that sounds harsh. But it's what I'd do. Your life should be joyful.

Deathbyathousandcats · 31/12/2023 13:23

I get it, OP. It sounds exhausting to live with him behaving as he does.

safetyfreak · 31/12/2023 13:26

I find this thread sad…I am the one with no friends, although I do go out with my sisters and mum. I do not think it bothers my DH, but he also does not see his hobby friends much. We enjoy spending time together as a family and going out together. We also enjoy our alone time (when we can, with a 2 year old!)

I find it sad, many of you are judging your husband for being introverted?

Mind you, I could never be with a man who was very sociable as it would make me feel uncomfortable. This thread shows, an extrovert and an introvert together can cause issues.

Original poster
NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 13:36

@safetyfreak I think things were different and are different when you have very young children. Things change as your kids get older and you’re looking down the barrel of empty nesting…

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Original poster
NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 13:37

@Bestyearever2024 If only life was so simple sounding…I wish it was!

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Mantling · 31/12/2023 13:39

safetyfreak · 31/12/2023 13:26

I find this thread sad…I am the one with no friends, although I do go out with my sisters and mum. I do not think it bothers my DH, but he also does not see his hobby friends much. We enjoy spending time together as a family and going out together. We also enjoy our alone time (when we can, with a 2 year old!)

I find it sad, many of you are judging your husband for being introverted?

Mind you, I could never be with a man who was very sociable as it would make me feel uncomfortable. This thread shows, an extrovert and an introvert together can cause issues.

You are misusing the term ‘introversion’. And ‘extroversion’. You are socially withdrawn, uninterested, or simply not sociable, or uninterested or incapable of making friends. Not the same thing at all.

Bestyearever2024 · 31/12/2023 13:40

NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 13:37

@Bestyearever2024 If only life was so simple sounding…I wish it was!

Of course it's not an immediate slam dunk. But it's perfectly possible to create a joyful life for yourself. I know because I did it.

The slam dunk took some negotiations and some time. But I did it. So, I'm not suggesting something for you, which is utterly impossible 🥰💙

theluckiest · 31/12/2023 13:43

NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 13:36

@safetyfreak I think things were different and are different when you have very young children. Things change as your kids get older and you’re looking down the barrel of empty nesting…

I couldn't agree more.

The whirlwind of having younger kids covers it to some extent.

Then suddenly, middle-age is here, kids are doing their thing and you start looking at one another thinking, 'Is this working? Is this where we both want to be?'

It's daunting. Thing is, he's very happy and content. I want more out of life. If he's happy for me to socialise and do my thing, that's ok. And for now, he is. So I do!! Id still rather have him excited about the next chapter alongside me though but so be it.

puncheur · 31/12/2023 13:46

DobbyRuth · 31/12/2023 13:08

Eek I am this spouse! I have no friends or hobbies, I just work full time, clean, cook and look after my baby. What kind of hobbies do adult women actually do?

Of the adult women with children in my circle I don’t know one without hobbies and interests, many of them quite time consuming such as competing in high level amateur sport, or playing music at a high level. I have a close friend who is a full time school teacher with 3 children under 10 who competes in Ironmans, another who races for a semi-pro cycling team, another who plays in multiple ensembles and records her own music, and several who are competitive horseriders. I coach DS’s sport and also play in a band. DP also has hobbies and interests.

Admittedly our houses are complete tips because housework always comes very last on any to-do list (if it makes it onto the list at all) 🤣🤣

Original poster
NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 13:47

@Bestyearever2024 I probably need some advice about this. I wonder when you have to say enough is enough and take a leap of faith.

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pictoosh · 31/12/2023 13:50

I agree...introverts have friends the same as extroverts do.
Don't feel sad for introverts @safetyfreak. I don't think anyone is referring to them.

Introverts are not all socially withdrawn with no friends.
People who are socially withdrawn and have no friends aren't all introverts.

Yes, my husband's an introvert...that has nothing to do with the fact that he won't fuck off out and let me have my pals round once in a blue moon.
That's because he's selfish and inadequate...and I should know, he's my husband.

Don't be so basic.

ActDottie · 31/12/2023 13:51

Why can’t he go everywhere with you and the kids? You’re a family.

Mantling · 31/12/2023 13:54

ActDottie · 31/12/2023 13:51

Why can’t he go everywhere with you and the kids? You’re a family.

My definition of a ‘family’ isn’t enforced 24/7 togetherness.

Bestyearever2024 · 31/12/2023 14:00

NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 13:47

@Bestyearever2024 I probably need some advice about this. I wonder when you have to say enough is enough and take a leap of faith.

Without meaning to sound trite -- when you've had enough !

For me, I tried the talk around, the negotiations, the threats, the options and it was his way or the highway

So I walked the highway 😀

Never looked back .....and in fact he and I are great friends and his current lady is PERFECT for him.

Me? I've chosen to be single. And I'm very very happy 😊 💙

Aprilx · 31/12/2023 14:00

Mantling · 31/12/2023 13:54

My definition of a ‘family’ isn’t enforced 24/7 togetherness.

Show quote history

Well they presumably go to school and the adults to work so it is not a matter of 24/7 togetherness. But I also can’t see why, if mum and the kids are going out, the dad is not allowed to join them.

Mantling · 31/12/2023 14:04

Aprilx · 31/12/2023 14:00

Well they presumably go to school and the adults to work so it is not a matter of 24/7 togetherness. But I also can’t see why, if mum and the kids are going out, the dad is not allowed to join them.

Show quote history

OK, my idea of a family doesn’t involve one spouse dogging the other one’s footsteps outside of working hours.

JaneyGee · 31/12/2023 14:45

My dad was like this. Looking back, he was very socially awkward/shy. He'd say silly things in company and never seemed comfortable. I also think he just didn't like people. Plus, he had abandonment issues from childhood, and was very clingy/manipulative.

Of course, some people really don't want or need many friends. My brother is like that. He's funny, charming and an excellent conversationalist. But he just doesn't want a group of friends. He prefers books. As a society we're incredibly hard on introverts. There is way too much pressure on them to socialise more. People need to accept that not everyone needs a busy social life and lots of friends.

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