To wish he had friends

[NotMYChild]

Anyone got a DH with no friends? It’s suffocating. He never goes out. Expects to come everywhere with me and kids. I have to plan our diary, come up with ideas etc. Anyone else got this? How do you cope?

My DH has never had friends.
Doesn’t see the point and doesn’t understand what being lonely is.

I do sometimes wish he’d get out more, but he will go and do things alone sometimes and never begrudges me being out with my friends (a lot!)

I’m away with friends now for New Year for 5 days and he’s home watching the dog, so it works out well……..

Ooh, ooh, me! I have tried so hard to get him to be friends with my group's husbands (all very nice people with similar interest!) but he just says that he doesn't want to be friends "via association". Luckily he's taken up an interest which involves him going away for 5-6 nights at a time, so that gets him out of the house a few times a year.

Other than that, the only time I have the house to myself is when he goes to the shop. We have two small children, too, so I'm never truly alone.

My husband is the same. Part of the attraction when I met him was how many friends he had. Now he’s so into work and his free time is with us (which I’m not complaining about) it puts all the pressure on me to ensure we have a social life.

I encourage him to go to the cheese night at his local micro pub and engage with other men folk. Vinyl nights were the geeks bring and share their precious vinyl. I set challenges were we have to try new hobbies/groups and interests through the year. Walking groups. Volunteering. Dinner parties with neighbours and random folks we know… anything to broaden his horizons.

mine goes to festivals around the world without me as I’m not a large festival person (mini ones yes - over 5k not a chance).

Music gigs and other things he’s into?

football club and meet up with other local supporters to get a bus there?

darts, fishing, golf, trekking, arts, night school, learn plastering, do a language, fitness class or martial arts, welding lessons…

So much he could do.

Question is - why doesn’t he want to do anything for himself?

Yes - it's a massive source of frustration since we had DC.

I have had a hard time since having DC. My health declined and I was less able to sustain friendships. We have become so isolated as a family as we don't have his social network to fall back on.

DH was recently very ill and didn't take enough time off work as he likes the social interaction from work.

I've told him he needs to work on building friendships for the sake of our family. It can't just be me working on this.

Oh I had this with ex. It says something that when I left him I stayed close to his purported best friend from primary school.

Sounds frustrating, not sure what else you can do except encourage him to get out? Or just get up to your own things?

My husband is autistic (diagnosed) and just like this.

We've recently separated.

I spent years being disability sensitive and making 'reasonable adjustments'. We never socialise together and I've never put that expectation on him.

In return he turned our communal family lounge into his persona l cinema room and watched wall to wall TV of his choosing at top volume on the speakers while shouting at anyone who interfered with it (namely me and our kids).

He doesn't live here anymore.

It's great.

DH has no friends and every time a woman (twice) shows him extra attention at work he has an affair with them. I think that if he had some friends this wouldn't happen.

@Hmmmbetterchangethis I would LOVE to go away like that but he’d get the hump! Sounds perfect to me.

@AnteatersPinkTutu I feel your pain. This is it, teens and I have had a hard time recently and it then becomes a pressure when the holidays arrive and you have to ‘make fun’. (No family here).

@TheCatterall This is my point I suppose, why can’t he go out and do stuff? I encouraged him to get involved with a kids club but he didn’t get on with it and left. He doesn’t seem to want to be bothered.

@keeyartheseagull @Tonight1 Lots of ‘exes’ here and I get it!

I have one of these too. It's incredibly frustrating. It's yet another way in which he is lazy.

@MyFirstUsername2 I feel like you. This is it and it’s hard. It’s a pressure.

DH is like this. I used to try and fix up friends for him - meet ups in the pub with other dads. Then I realised he had zero desire to make friends. I felt suffocated and then decided just to do more stuff without him. We do loads as a family, loads as a couple, but we don't have a great social life with other couples as he doesn't make the effort.

@CrikeyMajikey This too. I am terrified of what the future looks like. Him shuffling around the house while I live my life and him being negative all the time. It’s like an episode of One Foot in the Grave. He has zero conversation.

@OwlWeiwei I was like this. Any couple stuff I had to organise though. It gets to a point where you just think, I’d rather go out with a mate. And now the kids are older, the cracks are showing.

@PurpleWhirple !!! And the annoying thing is, they don’t see it! They don’t see that you’re bringing more to the house than they do…

My dad was like this, a real home bird. My mum coped by always making sure she had things of her own to go out to. Dad was happy with that. Suggest he occasionally goes to the pub to watch the football? He might make some friends like that.

That sounds suffocating. And exhausting.

I so can relate I’m in a very similar boat, I get how WFH must be absolutely amazing for those with young kids it must feel like winning the lottery compared with how it was but fast forward to us midlifers with grown kids I’m with you I can see the harm in it apart from for those where there’s a reason

Hi, I am similar to your husband in that I have no friends, and don't really have the urge to go out and about. It bothers others considerably more than it bothers me. But I have higher functioning autism - could this be something that your hubby has? I was only diagnosed at 52 years of age, so it can go undetected into adulthood. Just a thought.

@BarrelOfOtters Yes and ironically, I’m the lonely one now. How is this possible?!

@DRS1970 Ha, this was recently suggested to me. He does have adhd. So it’s not impossible but he won’t stay home alone, wants to come everywhere with me and the kids even when I need him to stay with the child who doesn’t want to do what the other child wants to do. Makes me feel bad if I don’t bend to his ideals. It’s exhausting.

@Disappeared I often wonder what a commune-style life would be like!