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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish he had friends

152 replies

NotMYChild · 30/12/2023 22:27

Anyone got a DH with no friends? It’s suffocating. He never goes out. Expects to come everywhere with me and kids. I have to plan our diary, come up with ideas etc. Anyone else got this? How do you cope?

OP posts:
brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 31/12/2023 10:37

I am also a husband with no social life or friends, I do have a hobby though which gets me out the house - I go running regularly.

What I can’t relate to is the following the spouse around bit though. I do things with my wife and kids when it’s just us. I avoid social “gathering” things as much as possible though, like when the neighbours invite us round or there are my wife’s friends invitations. That’s just not for me.

I sometimes wish I had a bit more of a social life but tbh I don’t operate on the same wavelength or anywhere close to almost anyone I meet. It’s always been like this and I feel like an alien. I worry that I’ll get so frustrated with these people that I’ll say something rude. Once a friend of my wife asked whether I liked the place we lived (we moved there from abroad) and I was honest and said no. Well, that was me frosted out for the rest of the afternoon !

Original poster
NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 10:44

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I feel your pain in social gatherings. I also get the ‘alien’ feeling. That probs plays into this here too. We haven’t met people on our wave length but it could be because nobody is on his wave length!!

OP posts:
hby9628 · 31/12/2023 10:44

My DH is the same. I find it really frustrating. I was making arrangements for us to meet up with some friends recently and he just gets grumpy about it. We were socialising last night and he left early.
I feel awkward sometimes as it feels a bit rude.
I also worry that when he retires he will do nothing and see nobody. That's a few years off but it does concern me.

youcandanceifyouwanna · 31/12/2023 10:45

Same here, DP had a few friends when we met but has drifted away from those. He doesn't seem to want to make friends or take up hobbies that involve leaving the house. Any social connections we have come from my side. I'd like him to get out more. He seems happy though, and on the upside he isn't out having affairs, gambling, getting into drunken fights or spending shedloads of money on expensive sports equipment. Reliable vs exciting? My ex was 'friends' with a woman who was sending him selfies all the time, who he eventually left me for, and I guess it's a case of be careful what you wish for etc.

DRS1970 · 31/12/2023 10:47

If he has ADHD he has a higher probability of comorbid conditions such as autism. I have Bipolar, which led to the accidental discovery I was autistic. Which in turn led to me being diagnosed with inattentive ADHD too. So a triple whammy. Being diagnosed doesn't in itself solve your problems, but it can open up a few doors to help you get a way to understanding your symptoms and triggers, and how you can manage them, and even identify strengths they offer too.

autienotnaughty · 31/12/2023 10:49

My dh doesn't really have friends and I don't have many. We do stuff together with kids. ( this is normal for me??)

And I do stuff with my friends ( they are not joint friends)

And we do stuff together with family.

I use to worry and want to change that for him. But now i assume he's happy and if he wanted friends he would make them. It's not my responsibility.

Deathbyfluffy · 31/12/2023 10:52

I’m a man and find the concept of having no friends bizarre - if anything I socialise more than my wife!
I’d find it very dull doing the same thing every night.

Trieditall · 31/12/2023 10:52

I had a year long relationship with someone who had no friends. He did shift work and sometimes when he said he had done nothing all day, he really actually meant he had done nothing all day ie he sat on the settee all day, didn’t go to the shops, didn’t see a family member, didn’t read, didn’t go to the gym, literally nothing. He lived about 30 miles away from me and sometimes if I had a day off and met a friend for a coffee, he would text me and say he was in my area and I felt that I had to see him. It was a lot of pressure.

Not the same as your situation but it did make me think I could never be with someone who had no friends.

Deathbyfluffy · 31/12/2023 10:53

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 31/12/2023 00:14

My DH has never had friends.
Doesn’t see the point and doesn’t understand what being lonely is.

I do sometimes wish he’d get out more, but he will go and do things alone sometimes and never begrudges me being out with my friends (a lot!)

I’m away with friends now for New Year for 5 days and he’s home watching the dog, so it works out well……..

If he’s happy fair enough, but one day he might want to do the same and I hope you’ll be as understanding as he has been with you.

theluckiest · 31/12/2023 11:02

I have one of these too!!!

In many ways, we're polar opposites. He has no family, I have a large extended family who I see regularly. He doesn't socialise and has no friends that he sees, I see mine on a very regular basis. He would never go out to see a mate for a drink; I would be bereft if I didn't see someone for a coffee or dinner a few times a month.

He's completely unbothered by it though and seems very happy. We do our own thing.

The only problem on the horizon is retirement.

He would be happy to stay pottering about at home. I want to travel, have adventures, try new things.

I've had a few weekends away with my best friend (F if you're wondering). If DH gets arsey, I politely ask if he wanted to visit said place. When he says 'No, not really.' I say 'We'll, there's your answer then. I do.'

He's never stopped me going anywhere but if this is what retirement will look like, then we may have to have a few difficult conversations.. ☹️

QAnoun · 31/12/2023 11:04

My DH is like this. He’s a hard worker and a good father but has little interest in anybody or anything outside our nuclear family. He goes to the cinema (alone) now and again and that’s it. If it wasn’t for me we would never do anything, I am always the one who suggests going out and doing things, dates etc.

I think I’m just used to it now I suppose, but it is boring and I would like him to be out of the house a bit more. On the other hand I have a some nice friends and I can go out with them whenever I like because he’s always happy to stay home with the kids. I would hate to be with someone who was always out playing golf or boozing or loads of lads holidays etc so I suppose it works for me to a degree.

theluckiest · 31/12/2023 11:39

@QAnoun
I think we may be married to the same bloke!!!

Maybe they could go to the cinema together?! 😆

mumsytoon · 31/12/2023 11:46

ActuallyChristmas · 30/12/2023 23:56

Sounds normal, any friends filter into being friends of both of you. If they don’t it’s odd

This. Dh and I have basically the same friends except for the ones we grew up with/went to school with. Why can't he come with you and your dc, that's soo odd.

mumsytoon · 31/12/2023 11:47

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 31/12/2023 00:14

My DH has never had friends.
Doesn’t see the point and doesn’t understand what being lonely is.

I do sometimes wish he’d get out more, but he will go and do things alone sometimes and never begrudges me being out with my friends (a lot!)

I’m away with friends now for New Year for 5 days and he’s home watching the dog, so it works out well……..

Very odd to want to be with friends instead of your dh on NY??

Original poster
NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 11:55

@DRS1970 He isn’t managing his condition at all. Impulsive and more eccentric by the day, lots of anger. He runs people down rather than gravitate to them. It’s all very negative and draining. And surely people notice now and think, oh we’d invite them but the man’s a bit odd…

OP posts:
ActuallyChristmas · 31/12/2023 11:56

DRS1970 · 31/12/2023 10:47

If he has ADHD he has a higher probability of comorbid conditions such as autism. I have Bipolar, which led to the accidental discovery I was autistic. Which in turn led to me being diagnosed with inattentive ADHD too. So a triple whammy. Being diagnosed doesn't in itself solve your problems, but it can open up a few doors to help you get a way to understanding your symptoms and triggers, and how you can manage them, and even identify strengths they offer too.

Ok, so this is what it was for you but I do think that there are people who have and need lots of friends, some who need a few, some who live through friends, some through family, some who just like their own company. Some have ASD, most don’t.

Original poster
NotMYChild · 31/12/2023 11:57

@QAnoun I used to think this also. Would I have been happy with someone out playing golf all the time? Now I kind of wish I could experience that!!

OP posts:
ellie09 · 31/12/2023 12:02

My boyfriend doesnt have any close real life friends that live nearby. They're all mostly gaming friends who live in various parts of the world. They meet once a year for an airsoft holiday etc and all talk/communicate online.

I put the foot down from the get go that I have friendship groups and also value my own time so every activity will not necessarily include him.

I would let him know that sometimes you just need to do things for yourself and encourage any hobbies etc.

Ive encouraged my boyfriend to join the gym and go on his work nights out etc.

ActuallyChristmas · 31/12/2023 12:08

ellie09 · 31/12/2023 12:02

My boyfriend doesnt have any close real life friends that live nearby. They're all mostly gaming friends who live in various parts of the world. They meet once a year for an airsoft holiday etc and all talk/communicate online.

I put the foot down from the get go that I have friendship groups and also value my own time so every activity will not necessarily include him.

I would let him know that sometimes you just need to do things for yourself and encourage any hobbies etc.

Ive encouraged my boyfriend to join the gym and go on his work nights out etc.

I wouldn’t want this. Why does he need to join a gym etc. As long as he’s ok with you having some separate social life style of your choosing.

LBB2020 · 31/12/2023 12:09

My DH is the same!
He's an amazing husband and father but just can’t seem to be bothered with his friends! He has one friend he sees once every few months and that’s about it! It makes me feel guilty making arrangements and going out with my friends as he’s left watching the kids but he just doesn’t have much interest in socialising. I encourage him to see friends/family or to join a hobby group but he doesn’t stick with anything. It’s such a shame because he’s a kind, interesting, intelligent guy who gets on with people when he’s around them (he just doesn’t seem to want to be around them that often anymore!)

ellie09 · 31/12/2023 12:16

ActuallyChristmas · 31/12/2023 12:08

I wouldn’t want this. Why does he need to join a gym etc. As long as he’s ok with you having some separate social life style of your choosing.

Show quote history

Mainly for his health as he had put on a lot of weight recently. We sometimes go together but he also goes for his own sessions.

He didnt want to go to his xmas party, so I encouraged him to at least go to the dinner so be could socialise.

He has ASD also so its a bit harder for him in social interactions.

However, he's enjoying the gym (now goes more than me!) and has made a few work friends who he is going out for drinks with at the end of January.

He had previously been a big gym goer until he became depressed so it wasn't alien to him. He just needed a helping hand to get him back on track. It also wasnt forced, it was a suggestion that he took on board.

thecatsthecats · 31/12/2023 12:23

Mine is sort of like this - a lazy extrovert. Whereas I'm a proactive introvert. I have a great social life so long as I have good solid downtime, but he's allllllllways there.

And he ALWAYS wants to say yes to every invite, because he likes seeing people, and wants to come along to all of mine. And wants me to come to all of his.

But because he never leaves the house without an invite, I am then desperate for some alone time.

pictoosh · 31/12/2023 12:26

I have one like this. Being with someone like this has definitely impacted on my social life through the years. He doesn't want to share space with others and he's negative about those he does encounter.
I spent a long time encouraging, organising, boosting and babysitting him through what I would consider normal social interaction. He didn't improve.

I've got to the stage where I do my own social thing and don't consider him. It's an uneasy compromise on my part.
The only thing that still really needles me is the fact that I can never have a social night at mine without him being here. It's not as much fun to meet up with your women pals for a good catch up when your husband is sitting there like a dork or within direct earshot of everything they say (tiny house).
Please fuck off somewhere to do something...just once fucking ever.

I do have pals round for coffee and wine etc...but my place is never the venue for group stuff.

mikado1 · 31/12/2023 12:27

NotMYChild · 30/12/2023 23:18

Thanks to the genuine posters responding. It means any support network has to come from me and the effort I put into friendships. Any invites we get, all of it because I make an effort with people. And it’s suffocating. That’s all. And it can be lonely. Because our social group isn’t very wide as a result.

This is v familiar to me. Does your dh actually want more friends though?

Aprilx · 31/12/2023 12:43

Why would he not go out with you and the kids if he is available? Why wouldn’t you want him to? I could understand your annoyance if he kept tagging onto you and your friends going out, but not you and your children.

It is for him to worry about whether he has hobbies or friends, if he is a liner and likes his football, let him be.