To wish he had friends

[NotMYChild]

Anyone got a DH with no friends? It’s suffocating. He never goes out. Expects to come everywhere with me and kids. I have to plan our diary, come up with ideas etc. Anyone else got this? How do you cope?

My DH is like this. He has a very stressful and peoply job, so has let his friendships drift. Or he just keeps up by WhatsApp. He has got more introverted after Covid.

However he goes out on his own all the time and has a hobby. I still find it frustrating though, being his sole support.

I would like some couple friends but he won't make the effort.

@Mantling

I’m interested in how these men who never go out and have no need of friends managed to find themselves wives. I also wonder what they imagine will happen if those wives leave them or die? Replace them?

They talk a good game in their 20s and 30s when they know they have to impress women and that no one likes a saddo. Then they let the mask slip once they have their feet under the desk.

i don’t think they think that far ahead. They have been fed a narrative about women needing a man at all costs so it doesn’t cross their minds that we might not.

Most older men are totally contemptible.

I dont think older men are contemptible- DH is 54- but I do notice so many of them have become very introverted. I seem to have gone the other way. Now DC are grown, I want to go out and do stuff and meet more people. We try to meet in the middle. This weekend was quiet but next weekend we are meeting friends.

Just saw that you are not allowed to go away by yourself OP? !!

I go away by myself all the time, abroad even! So does DH. He did a solo trip to Istanbul with friends and I did a solo trip to Greece. I strongly believe in time apart from your spouse.

Mine is like this also, he just isn’t interested, but very supportive of me seeing my friends, so I do… but it can be suffocating.

They become incredibly inward looking and lose all interest in the outside world. Awful.

This is partly why so many women of middle age get fucked off and leave. They don’t want to live dull, hermit like existences with boring men who have no friends and nothing to talk about. (And treat women like their mothers).

Grim.

Some boys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest of the world...

I would never put up with any man aho insisted I stay home with him watching TV. ND or not.

DH would say he has lots of friends. However, none of them live in the same country as we do. He works from home and goes to an office in a different city maybe 4 times a year. He is either at home or working overseas. We have a dog but he only takes him out when I'm at work. I'd love him to have guys to hang out with for an occasional weekend event or evening out. It makes me feel awkward when I go out to meet the friends I have made since we moved here.

I think you need to just start doing stuff op. Go to the cinema. Holiday on your own. Why do his needs trump yours?

Sod if it he sulks. That's actually quite controlling of him if you think about it.....

OP I think your title is misleading. The issue here isn't so much that he has no friends, it's that he isn't good to spend time with, has no conversation, is angry, gets grumpy if you try and do something without him - which sounds quite controlling.

Doesn't sound like a good relationship, OP. You deserve more than this. Would he agree to relationship counselling? Because this dynamic doesn't sound sustainable in the long term, especially once the kids have left home.

Yes. He is controlling.

My father in law is like this.

My mother in law has plenty of interests and other friends, so I wonder if she feels a bit smothered.

I did ask him about friends, etc, once and he said [She] was all the friends he needed.

@PurpleWhirple is correct. All of our support network has been brought about by me and my sociability. Same this week. It annoys me that he doesn’t see the need for this or acknowledge this takes effort.

Who has annual leave or funds to go away by themselves? Not me. I’m not leaving the kids as they’ll be off without me very soon. I do go away to visit friends but it is hard work and I agree that this is because he does not see how much he relies on me for company. And that’s the suffocating bit.

Luckily his job should start to take him off abroad again. I think we’ve all suffered post Covid which this thread shows.

@11oclockrock You’re not wrong but I think not having friends is symptomatic of men leaning too much on their wives as this post has shown. He can’t see it so I doubt he’d go to counselling. But if anyone needs it, we probably do!

@useitorlose sorry to hear you feel same about feeling bad. It’s defo an awkward feeling not a ‘you can’t do that’ vibe.

@NonPlayerCharacter

Some boys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest of the world...

So true this. And so so sad. Most women are running headlong into death by boredom and the constriction of their world into ever smaller circles when they get married. And yet it’s still sold to women as this great romantic adventure.

It’s a trap! Don’t do it.

It isn't inevitable. But it's a definite risk. Be alert.

My DHs father (who was a thoroughly nasty mean spirited man) didn't believe in 'having friends' he thought there was always an ulterior motive, so he actively discouraged his children from mixing with other children.
Consequently DH and his siblings have no real friends, and are socially akward.

DH is a lovely person, my family and friends absolutely love him to bits, he would do anything for anyone, BUT (I hate myself for saying this) he is an absolute bore.
There is no one from his school days or work that he keeps in touch with,he doesn't drink and has zero interest in sports, and when he meets any of my friends husbands he tends to start lecturing or talking over them. Do you remember Harry Enfields character "Oh, you don't do it like that, you do it like this" that is him to a T.
I feel sad that he has no friends, and over the years I have spoke to him(and I don't hold back) about trying to change tactics but he forgets and soon back to his opinionated self. We have a shared hobby and now he's retired he does a lot of pottering about and diy in his workshop, so he isn't under my feet, I just wish the horrible legacy his father left him with hadn't tainted this area of his life.

@NonPlayerCharacter

Its not inevitable, no. But society is pretty dishonest with women about what becoming a traditional wife and mother will mean for their lives and a remarkable amount of sugaring of the pill, propaganda and cognitive dissonance takes place to get them to make peace with this.

Bit of a derail but this is why weddings and the obsession with weddings has always enraged me so much.

Its like watching people celebrate on their way to the gallows.

@Franticbutterfly
DH has no friends and every time a woman (twice) shows him extra attention at work he has an affair with them. I think that if he had some friends this wouldn't happen.
and you stay with him??

@Kwam31 No means to leave atm. Bit stuck really. Feel like a kid with no autonomy.

There is always a way to leave, look at women who flee DV with the clothes on their back and start over.
It might be hard, it might be a struggle but it's far better than being treated like this.
Find your anger and make plans to leave.

I couldn’t be with someone who had no friends, no social life and no hobbies - no matter how good a father they are

Me neither. It’s a horrible way to live and not fair to inflict it on someone who you are supposed to care for.