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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not heard from mum or sister all day - someone talk me down?

154 replies

spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 20:50

I’m getting really worried and not sure what I can do. I speak to my mum several times a day, FaceTimed this morning. I’ve been trying to call her hourly since 2pm today and haven’t heard a peep. She was last on WhatsApp just before 2pm. She’s on her phone regularly so this is v out of character. Equally my sister is surgically attached to her phone and I can’t get hold of her either. I’ve spoken to an auntie who said she spoke to her at lunch and hasn’t heard from her since, and agrees it’s unusual for her not to be online.

for info, mum isn’t elderly or unwell or anything that would make her vulnerable. They live over an hour away and I’m home alone with a toddler. Is there anything else I can do? I’m starting to get to panic stations a bit and I know there will probably be a daft explanation… if something bad had happened, surely someone would know?

OP posts:
lurchermummy · 31/12/2023 00:54

How wierd I could not imagine being that invested in each others whereabouts at every minute of the day

lollipoprainbow · 31/12/2023 00:54

Lovethistimeofyear · 30/12/2023 23:58

Glad all was well.

My mum is no longer with us but we spoke multiple times each day when she was alive. If I couldn’t contact her for 7 hours I would have been incredibly worried. It wasn’t our norm.

For those of you who don’t speak to your mum daily - that’s fine but for those of us that do/did then it’s understandable to worry when they are not contactable

Same, we loved to chat !

lollipoprainbow · 31/12/2023 00:59

saraclara · 30/12/2023 23:33

I would find this level of contact suffocating

Me too. I feel claustrophobic just reading this thread.

As a society we've become terrifyingly addicted to our phones and being connected to people 24/7. And it seems it that it leaves us open to massive anxiety when the connection isn't there.

I love my kids but if they phoned me three times a day with video calls etc, I'd feel smothered and worry that they didn't have a life. What do people even have to talk about three times a day?

Plenty !! Me and my lovely mum spoke multiple times a day too when she was alive.

Sorry if you find that odd but it isn't to a lot of people.

Nanaof1 · 31/12/2023 00:59

spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 21:31

I appreciate the kind replies. Not reading the others as it’s really not helpful.

That's always for the best. There were some very kind posters who really went out of their way to be "there" for you. The rest can take a walk.

I just read this and am so glad it worked out for you. When my Mom was alive, I would also get concerned if she was unreachable for several hours.

Personally, I would rather someone care too much, and worry, than to not give a shite at all.

Browncupboards · 31/12/2023 01:06

saraclara · 30/12/2023 23:33

I would find this level of contact suffocating

Me too. I feel claustrophobic just reading this thread.

As a society we've become terrifyingly addicted to our phones and being connected to people 24/7. And it seems it that it leaves us open to massive anxiety when the connection isn't there.

I love my kids but if they phoned me three times a day with video calls etc, I'd feel smothered and worry that they didn't have a life. What do people even have to talk about three times a day?

Totally agree, it made me feel suffocated just reading this thread

Torchdino · 31/12/2023 05:21

Dad’s phone is switched off as it always is

Lmao why do they always do this!

Glad all was okay in the end. I feel the same if contact patterns change, just because lots on here can't be bothered to spend a few minutes a day messaging/chatting to their parents it's not weird to talk everyday.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 05:48

spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 21:47

Surely the thing here is it depends on the relationship and what’s normal for you! It’s normal for my mum and I to speak very regularly, and we would not go days without any contact. If you would, then that’s fine and that’s your normal but that’s not ours!

we would not go days without any contact

this wasn’t even half a day

Natles22 · 31/12/2023 06:17
Good Vibes GIF by Ryn Dean

You can ask the local police to do a wellness check? Call neighbors to see if cars are there? I hope they are just busy, having fun. Update us

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 06:36

Sounds like a co dependent relationship. Multiple times a day?! Feel sorry for ops child:children and dh. They are being severely deprived of ops time and attention.

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 06:41

My mother did this when we were growing up with her twin ( more understandable in that scenario) and she was completely unemotionally unavailable to everyone else. She shared everything with her twin, and barely had time to notice us. For sure ops other relationships and friendships if she has friends will be suffering.

i would be very worried for my dd if she did this, once a day is enough. I would worry she was unhappy in her marriage and lonely. Maybe op is.

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 31/12/2023 06:47

Aw thank god! I'm like that with my mum. One time she had actually fallen down the stairs an was bleeding out (blood thinners) so I went to check on her. Found her, she would have died had I not gone. She had to be resuscitated.

crochetmonkey74 · 31/12/2023 07:40

lurchermummy · 31/12/2023 00:54

How wierd I could not imagine being that invested in each others whereabouts at every minute of the day

OK, but I cant imagine not being abd neither can my friends and family I'm like it with.
Horses for courses

RampantIvy · 31/12/2023 07:50

DD and I talk on the phone nearly every day. She works in a job where she can't use her phone during the day.

When my parents were alive mobile phones hadn't been invented, and long distance calls were expensive, so we probably talked on the phone once a week.

What we did do was write letters - lots of them.

I agree with the comment that having 24/7 access can increase anxiety.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 31/12/2023 08:01

crochetmonkey74 · 31/12/2023 07:40

OK, but I cant imagine not being abd neither can my friends and family I'm like it with.
Horses for courses

Show quote history

I agree but just how many of you would jump to something catastrophic having happened and start panicking if they didn’t answer?
Personally it drives me mad when my sister repeatedly phones and we have the same conversation over and over. I find it intrusive and ridiculous.

Cmonluv · 31/12/2023 08:06

My sister once phoned the police to do a well check on our other sister because she hadn't phoned to wish her happy birthday. Poor woman was on a 12 hour shift at the hospital and the police showed upt o her work to check on her...

crumblingschools · 31/12/2023 08:31

@crochetmonkey74 do you have to know where all your friends and family are every minute of the day?

Torchdino · 31/12/2023 09:07

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 06:36

Sounds like a co dependent relationship. Multiple times a day?! Feel sorry for ops child:children and dh. They are being severely deprived of ops time and attention.

Edited

There are 24 hours in a day, I'd be surprised if even 3 calls took up any sort of percentage of even a small portion of the day. Quite a lot of defensive posters on here, I wonder why?

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 11:56

Torchdino · 31/12/2023 09:07

There are 24 hours in a day, I'd be surprised if even 3 calls took up any sort of percentage of even a small portion of the day. Quite a lot of defensive posters on here, I wonder why?

Show quote history

Because most of us are adults. My adult dds call me every day and tell me how they are. It’s plenty! Three or more calls per day is excessive. How do you work, study, complete chores, relax, enjoy friendships and relationships with others?

Newchapterbeckons · 31/12/2023 11:59

Torchdino · 31/12/2023 09:07

There are 24 hours in a day, I'd be surprised if even 3 calls took up any sort of percentage of even a small portion of the day. Quite a lot of defensive posters on here, I wonder why?

Show quote history

We are asleep, bathing and toileting for nearly half of that time! Working 8 hours a day, travelling. Maybe if you are on benefits you have the time, but most people won’t have the time for multiple calls per day.

Princesspollyyy · 31/12/2023 12:09

Oh dear OP, do you suffer from anxiety? You're going to give yourself a stomach ulcer. Glad all was well in the end.

GoingDownLikeBHS · 31/12/2023 12:21

There's a thread going on about how unkind MN posters are on here and I think this proves it! How ridiculous - the OP can contact her family as much as she likes. She got worried and shared that on here, that was her only mistake.

Original poster
spiralingworry · 31/12/2023 12:59

Don’t worry, my DH isn’t being deprived of my attention as I’m a single parent. The reason I call several times a day (during the holidays when we’re both not working!) is so that my mum can FaceTime with my toddler as she lives over an hour away, and she loves it! It’s not just for the sake of it. 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
spiralingworry · 31/12/2023 13:01

Also, the reason I posted here was because I knew things were likely fine, but I could feel the worry starting to spiral. I wasn’t hysterical or calling A&E, I just had a niggling worry and needed talked down - which happened thanks to some lovely posters. :)

OP posts:
NotAdultingToday · 31/12/2023 13:14

Im glad everything worked out op!

Just to make you feel better i have a group chat of my best friends, 5 of us, we talk on and off pretty much all day. One of the group went a bit quiet (we all do sometimes if got things going on) and then stopped responding , then stopped reading messages, then not responding to the member of the group shes closest too who was having a bad time.
So we all started to worry as it was so unsual. We called her and her partner several times and nothing. This was over a day with no contact or even reading messages which seems crazy short amount of time but so unlike her thats why we worried.

Eventually we got through to her it was just that one time she put her phone on do not disturb but it was so out of character thats why we worried.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 13:24

did op clarify how far she lived from Mother