Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not heard from mum or sister all day - someone talk me down?

154 replies

spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 20:50

I’m getting really worried and not sure what I can do. I speak to my mum several times a day, FaceTimed this morning. I’ve been trying to call her hourly since 2pm today and haven’t heard a peep. She was last on WhatsApp just before 2pm. She’s on her phone regularly so this is v out of character. Equally my sister is surgically attached to her phone and I can’t get hold of her either. I’ve spoken to an auntie who said she spoke to her at lunch and hasn’t heard from her since, and agrees it’s unusual for her not to be online.

for info, mum isn’t elderly or unwell or anything that would make her vulnerable. They live over an hour away and I’m home alone with a toddler. Is there anything else I can do? I’m starting to get to panic stations a bit and I know there will probably be a daft explanation… if something bad had happened, surely someone would know?

OP posts:
2024betterBebetter · 30/12/2023 21:56

Could they have gone to a show/panto or something and just not mentioned it to you? Or a spa afternoon and have their mobiles shut in a room or a locker so that they can relax? Do they tell you all of their plans usually?

ShowOfHands · 30/12/2023 21:57

My SIL once phoned DH in hysterics because their Mum hasn't replied to messages or answered the phone. It had been 3hrs and SIL wanted DH to check A&E/drive round there/join her in her panic. They spoke/speak several times a day and it made sil catastrophise in a worrying way.

MIL had gone to dinner/a film with a friend on the spur of the moment and hadn't got her phone with her.

SIL was adamant her anxiety was warranted but actually, it was a sign that she was struggling. Concerned/worried and checking with siblings/other family would have been normal but wanting to ring A&E was excessive. SIL realised she needed to speak to her health visitor about her worries and she happily, got some help.

If you're sure you're okay, then that's brilliant op but no harm in thinking it through tomorrow when you're less adrenalin filled. Just make sure you're not unduly worried.

Glad all is well.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 30/12/2023 22:00

I'm glad they're okay. Did you talk to them about how worried you'd been? My parents are notoriously bad at being contactable, and we do go days without contact, so for me it wouldn't be worrying, but when you're in touch as much as you are of course that's going to make you panic.

Ifeelsolow247 · 30/12/2023 22:05

I'm so glad they are fine.
For what it's worth I would (and have been) exactly the same when unable to contact family. It really is a horrible feeling.
It's completely understandable.
Try to relax now you know they are fine.

Greybeardy · 30/12/2023 22:14

This happened a couple of times with my dad - very out of character…first time I was just about to leave the house to check up on home when he called back. Second time I found his body when I got to the house. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to turn back time and check on him a bit sooner. Glad it all turned out well OP.

user1492757084 · 30/12/2023 22:17

No news is good news. Seriously, it's fine.

Be alarmed if you can't reach them for a week. A policeman will wisit you or your Dad will call you if something is worrying.

They could be buying new phones or at the cinema or at a wedding or a funeral or a concert or church or sleeping or driving or visiting someone at hospital.

It is correct to not answer one's phone on all of these occasions.
They are having a break from their phone.

StampOnTheGround · 30/12/2023 22:18

crumblingschools · 30/12/2023 21:43

@StampOnTheGround does that means someone can’t have a life as they have to be instantly contactable?

If some people are usually instantly (or within a couple of hours) contactable then of course it would be weird if they went or the radar.

Friends I wouldn't bat an eyelid but my Mum and Husband would raise alarm bells.

Tessisme · 30/12/2023 22:25

Ah, glad she's okFlowers

TooOldForThisNonsense · 30/12/2023 22:32

Glad all is ok. I’m sure if there had been cause to worry your dad would have called you x

user1492757084 · 30/12/2023 22:32

So, checking local A&E I think is an extrordinary panicked reaction, Op.
If in A&E they would let you know.
Your Dad would let you know if they were not home and he were worried too.

I suggest you try having a day or two detox from your phones. Consider your anxiety levels, Op. Do you neeed to seek help for anxiety from your GP?

I can understand concern if someone you live with were to not arrive home and not answer their phone for hours, or if an old relative living alone did not answer (could have had a fall and would trigger you phoning their neighbour), or if a woman experiencing serious domestic abuse did not answer etc but in your case, Op, a well adult who is active and living with or near others not answering their phone is not an emergency.
You might be suffering anxiety.

hot2trotter · 30/12/2023 22:38

Surely your dad would have told you if there was something wrong??

Iwantmyoldnameback · 30/12/2023 22:46

Well that's a coincidence that neither were contactable wasn't it? I'm a worried but I think perhaps this is all a bit OTT. What in earth do you find to talk about?

norfolkjmummy788 · 30/12/2023 22:53

BananaPyjamaLlama · 30/12/2023 21:34

This is a good example of why its handy to have contact details for a near neighbour/friend of a relative that lives far away - which is something I need to sort out, ta for the reminder.
Im glad everything turned out to be absolutely fine Spiralingworry x

Yes great point here

NotSorryForTheReality · 30/12/2023 23:05

Maybe speak to your mum about switching on/linking find my iPhone which might put your mind at rest? My DH has a REALLY bad habit of going out on the motorbike saying he will be a couple of hours then deciding to go somewhere that takes 8 hours, I have zero issue with his day trips and actually enjoy the house to myself but the stress of wtf has happened (he never looks at his phone when out on the bike) resulted in us turning it on, gives me a logical reason he’s not back when I can go on and see where he has decided to take himself off to..and him a strangely calm and rational well if I come off my bike and can’t be seen from the road you can report exactly where I am.. 😑😂x

RedToothBrush · 30/12/2023 23:07

spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 21:47

Surely the thing here is it depends on the relationship and what’s normal for you! It’s normal for my mum and I to speak very regularly, and we would not go days without any contact. If you would, then that’s fine and that’s your normal but that’s not ours!

But this isn't a healthy relationship. If you are anxious after a single day thats not healthy.

Very regular contact is fine and normal for same, but having a MN on MN because shes not been in touch today - you maybe need to have a think about how co-dependant you are for your own sake. Thats not normal even for very close families.

The problematic bit isn't how close you are - its your reaction to the lack of contact.

crumblingschools · 30/12/2023 23:10

@norfolkjmummy788 it could be a good idea to have an additional contact number but surely only to be used in an emergency. Can’t have someone like the OP phoning them every hour to check if they have seen a relative

saraclara · 30/12/2023 23:33

I would find this level of contact suffocating

Me too. I feel claustrophobic just reading this thread.

As a society we've become terrifyingly addicted to our phones and being connected to people 24/7. And it seems it that it leaves us open to massive anxiety when the connection isn't there.

I love my kids but if they phoned me three times a day with video calls etc, I'd feel smothered and worry that they didn't have a life. What do people even have to talk about three times a day?

AndThatWasNY · 30/12/2023 23:33

I think many people will find your contact with your Mum quite unusual. From my friends I can only think of one person that has daily contact with a parent out of about 20 friends. I speak to mine every few days, sometimes every couple of weeks. I love them deeply but we are very both very busy so hard to talk properly. Her social life is crazy for an 80 year old,! However I get the fear of your usual is changed.

I would however suggest you find a way to address your anxiety. I have bipolar and have to work hard at managing it. What are you doing actively to reduce it?

Lovethistimeofyear · 30/12/2023 23:58

Glad all was well.

My mum is no longer with us but we spoke multiple times each day when she was alive. If I couldn’t contact her for 7 hours I would have been incredibly worried. It wasn’t our norm.

For those of you who don’t speak to your mum daily - that’s fine but for those of us that do/did then it’s understandable to worry when they are not contactable

Lovethistimeofyear · 30/12/2023 23:59

The OP does not need to manage her anxiety ffs.

Lovethistimeofyear · 31/12/2023 00:00

What did I speak to my mum about several times a day? Anything and everything!! I loved a blether with her.

I find those of you who go weeks without speaking to your parents strange tbh.

GoingDownLikeBHS · 31/12/2023 00:01

I've been down this road with MN before; I text/receive text messages from DD22 at least twice a day, always have done since she left home at 18. We send each other instagram posts, pictures, questions like what did you have for dinner (that always seems to trigger a lot of frothing on here), sometimes we have text message conversations in "real time" or we talk about the dog, send pictures of the dog (another thing I found was reviled) then we say good night. She always lets me know when she is home - apparently this is manipulative and abusive of me (according to posters last time I wrote about it on MN). When I asked her about this she said how much she likes having someone who knows where she is and is looking out for her.

I also have 3/4 close friends and we are in touch on social media sometimes 10 times a day, or sometimes we miss a day and make up for it. Bestie at work messages me on her way in to the office, then I message her on the way home. I think it's totally disingenuous to suggest that close relationships like this either don't exist or are in some way "bad".

Tillybabs · 31/12/2023 00:04

Some of these comments are so judgemental and crappy. Some people have close relationships with their parents. Who are you to say what is and isn’t normal.

I recently had to take a call from a work colleague who had found his Dad unexpectedly dead in the house in the morning. Sh1t happens so who cares if she calls her Mum every day. Her Mum might well appreciate the calls!

GirlOfTudor · 31/12/2023 00:18

Goinggreymammy · 30/12/2023 21:23

I am really glad your mum phoned you and all is well. But I am very concerned that you would go into such a panic that a physically well, mobile adult would be uncontactable for half a day. Phoning your mother hourly because she didn't answer the first time seems like you got very anxious. Particularly when there was no cause for concern.. .. your dad would have contacted you if there was. Have you ever got any support for anxiety? You mentioned you were alone in your house with a toddler. I think that building up to this level of anxiety so quickly is something that a toddler would definitely pick up on and would not be good for them. There was a thread yesterday where a new mother was describing how her parents expected constant contact from her (and calls ftom her OH too), and she was advised that she needs to focus on her own family now. This thread reminded me of it. Hope you are doing OK, and if you feel anxious like this again maybe speak to a health visitor or your GP.

Show quote history

I agree with this. Are you being treated for your anxiety?

penjil · 31/12/2023 00:52

Lovethistimeofyear · 31/12/2023 00:00

What did I speak to my mum about several times a day? Anything and everything!! I loved a blether with her.

I find those of you who go weeks without speaking to your parents strange tbh.

Exactly.

Older people love the social contact. It's essential for their well-being.

Long may a daily natter continue for everyone.

No-one should be lonely.