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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not heard from mum or sister all day - someone talk me down?

154 replies

spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 20:50

I’m getting really worried and not sure what I can do. I speak to my mum several times a day, FaceTimed this morning. I’ve been trying to call her hourly since 2pm today and haven’t heard a peep. She was last on WhatsApp just before 2pm. She’s on her phone regularly so this is v out of character. Equally my sister is surgically attached to her phone and I can’t get hold of her either. I’ve spoken to an auntie who said she spoke to her at lunch and hasn’t heard from her since, and agrees it’s unusual for her not to be online.

for info, mum isn’t elderly or unwell or anything that would make her vulnerable. They live over an hour away and I’m home alone with a toddler. Is there anything else I can do? I’m starting to get to panic stations a bit and I know there will probably be a daft explanation… if something bad had happened, surely someone would know?

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 30/12/2023 21:31

Do you not go out? Are you at home so you can be contactable? Do you go out with other mums/families?

Do you have a life independent of your family?

OpalOrchid · 30/12/2023 21:33

I'd assume if something bad had happened that someone would have contacted you. I think your reaction is a bit OTT.

thefallen · 30/12/2023 21:34

crumblingschools · 30/12/2023 21:13

Why were you phoning hourly from 2pm? Can your mum not have a life and have to respond to you as soon as you call/message?

If you mum lives with your dad surely he would have contacted you if there was a problem.

I agree with this. This level of panic after a few hours of quiet really isn't usual.

BananaPyjamaLlama · 30/12/2023 21:34

This is a good example of why its handy to have contact details for a near neighbour/friend of a relative that lives far away - which is something I need to sort out, ta for the reminder.
Im glad everything turned out to be absolutely fine Spiralingworry x

HolidaysPleaseNow · 30/12/2023 21:34

I live in Fife, haven't had any issues with my WhatsApp or network

PuffyShirt · 30/12/2023 21:35

It is not healthy or normal to spiral into anxiety so rapidly

I’m pretty sure the OP realises this. I suffer with similar anxiety and can go from ‘hmm they’re a bit late…’ to being at their funeral within a couple of minutes. It’s absolutely awful and I’d love to not be this way.

So glad you heard t from them, OP.

windywash · 30/12/2023 21:35

I know the panic as I am the same if my mum doesn't answer. Does your sister have a partner you could contact and ask. There will be an explanation but I understand the worry.

PamelaParis · 30/12/2023 21:38

spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 21:31

I appreciate the kind replies. Not reading the others as it’s really not helpful.

Actually, those replies are the most helpful as everyone is gently pointing out that it's really not normal to be this way. Please get some help for your anxiety before it starts to affect your little one.

crumblingschools · 30/12/2023 21:39

@windywash the mum had been located, she is absolutely fine, just didn’t have her phone with her. There is a dad who I am sure would have contacted OP if there was a problem

2jacqi · 30/12/2023 21:40

spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 21:00

@littleteapot86 they’re in Fife, so not quite but I wonder if it’s something like that.

@spiralingworry which part of fife are they in? I am in fife too. you can pm me if you want

StampOnTheGround · 30/12/2023 21:40

When you know someone is often right by their phone and it's ringing through/message not being answered then I worry too - completely normal.

So glad all is well 😊

RampantIvy · 30/12/2023 21:41

I'm glad everything is OK.

We chat several times a day

I would find this level of contact suffocating. DD lives over 100 miles away and rings most days, but if we talked several times a day I would get irritated at the constant interruptions to my day.

crumblingschools · 30/12/2023 21:43

@StampOnTheGround does that means someone can’t have a life as they have to be instantly contactable?

Original poster
spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 21:43

@2jacqi thank you for the offer, I got hold
of her! :)

OP posts:
throughgrittedteeth · 30/12/2023 21:44

spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 21:30

Yes, I did get anxious as I’ve already explained it’s really unusual for her not to answer or be online for so long! Had she said she was doing xyz, I wouldn’t have been trying to contact her. We chat several times a day so she can FaceTime with my toddler - she often calls me rather than me calling her. I didn’t go into instant panic mode, I panicked after 7/8 hours.

Thanks for the messages of concern, but there really isn’t an issue! It might seem strange to some people, but when you’re used to someone being so contactable, and likewise being contactable yourself, it’s worrying when that isn’t the case.

I used to speak with my mum 2/3 times a day before she died quite suddenly. People on here are dickheads sometimes OP, don't feel like you have to justify yourself or your worries. Glad they're both ok Flowers

Original poster
spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 21:46

@crumblingschools give it a rest. No one is saying anyone should be instantly contactable, but some people can relate to the worry felt when people that are usually active aren’t for a decent length of time. When my mum phoned she even said to me that if the situation had been reversed, she’d have been even more worried! There’s no bloody issue here.

OP posts:
JANEY205 · 30/12/2023 21:46

Is this usual? I find this crazy (sorry OP). I go days between talking to my mother and if she doesn’t answer I assume she is otherwise busy and will get back to me when she can…same for my sister. I don’t always answer calls and would be weirded out someone was panicking over it tbh.

OpalOrchid · 30/12/2023 21:46

I speak to or message my adult kids often in a day. However I wouldn't expect them to go into panic mode if I was not contactable for a few hours.

doggiedude · 30/12/2023 21:47

OP ignore the breezy comments about your anxiety! Glad all is ok 👍 As someone who did have the worse case scenario ie I called my Mum ,left a chatty message saying that I thought she must be outside gardening blah blah and would call again later ,sadly she was found by her friend deceased a few hours later. Have never recovered from the shock and I do worry if my family do not return calls etc within a few hours,luckily they all understand my anxiety.X

Original poster
spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 21:47

Surely the thing here is it depends on the relationship and what’s normal for you! It’s normal for my mum and I to speak very regularly, and we would not go days without any contact. If you would, then that’s fine and that’s your normal but that’s not ours!

OP posts:
henrysugar12 · 30/12/2023 21:50

My partners phone is o2 and it's been playing up for about a month.

crumblingschools · 30/12/2023 21:50

But your mum managed to go and do something without having to call you every few hours. What happens if she does that again?

willWillSmithsmith · 30/12/2023 21:53

spiralingworry · 30/12/2023 21:31

I appreciate the kind replies. Not reading the others as it’s really not helpful.

Totally get you OP. It’s the out of character behaviour that can make someone anxious and it seems totally normal to me to be concerned. Glad they are ok and you can relax.

Latewinter · 30/12/2023 21:53

PamelaParis · 30/12/2023 21:38

Actually, those replies are the most helpful as everyone is gently pointing out that it's really not normal to be this way. Please get some help for your anxiety before it starts to affect your little one.

Show quote history

Using OP's kid as a stick to beat her with isn't cool. She should get help for her anxiety, if she needs help, because she deserves it, not because she's being told to fear for her child.

Oopsadaisysgranny · 30/12/2023 21:56

So glad your family are Ll safe . Give them an extra hug when you see them x