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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this an "able-ist slur" ?

117 replies

WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 30/12/2023 13:40

Fully prepared to be told IABU

DH has ADHD. Diagnosed 10 years ago but never did any CBT/medication as he felt he could cope.

Last few years he's very much not coping: emotional dysregulation, gets stressed/angry very easily and disproportionately, little patience, and very forgetful/disorganised.

He recently started medication for his ADHD and in some respects it's helping - he can concentrate more, and he is so much better at identifying when he is overwhelmed and taking himself away from a situation.

I feel like I am supporting as much as I can but I am struggling myself with my own life/work/stress and then having to accommodate him when he forgets/loses something or needs help to complete a task. I've losing patience and feel like I can't just ask him to do something and then walk away from the task: I feel like I have to remind him multiple times and then get asked various questions about how to do the actual task. I do understand this may be part of the ADHD but I don't know how to deal with it.

To my specific AIBU - we were planning a small party and his only job was buying the beer: I did the food prep, the cleaning, the organising, and bought other drinks. (For context he was working this week & I wasn't so I was on kid-duty)

On party day he hadn't bought the beer. I had a morning activity planned with the kids & he asked if I could pick up the beer on the way home. I had said earlier in the day that I was feeling pretty overwhelmed myself & didn't want to take on anything else, so my instinctive reaction was to be pissed off and say no: this was your one job, you didn't do it and now you want to put me out to fix it for you.

He thought this was petty & it wouldn't be a big deal for me to do it. He's right, it wouldn't be a huge deal. But I'm fed up of always having to pick up after him when he fails to do something, and I had specifically said a few hours earlier that I couldn't handle anything else. This has boiled into a huge argument during which I used the phrase "I tired of having to inconvenience myself because of your inability to plan properly".

To him this is a hugely offensive triggering statement and an "able-ist slur". He is angry with me that I "talk a good talk about being supportive but in reality it's all bullshit when I am constantly complaining about his lack of executive function".

Yes I do complain about his inability to do things. But my main complaint is the assumption that I will just pick up the pieces every time. I don't want him to apologise for having ADHD, but I do want him to acknowledge that it makes my life harder as well as his.

So, am I able-ist? Should I just suck it up accept that this is what life is with an ADHD partner?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 30/12/2023 13:43

No - he had 1 job and a clear deadline (and by the sound of it, time to pick up the beer after he asked you to do it).

I have ADHD.

Chilicabbage · 30/12/2023 13:45

No and no.
It is simple as that. There is incredible amount of technology nowadays helping us with these things. He has some coping mechanisms with tasks obviously as he works and he couldn't if he couldn't do a single simple task. He just needs to implement them to his life as well. As many of us did.

WingsofRain · 30/12/2023 13:45

No, you are not ableist, he is using his diagnosis to get away with being a lazy arsehole.

Sirzy · 30/12/2023 13:46

He needs to find things that work to help him function. I assume he has tactics at work and therefore can use them at home.

maybe you could work together to find ways to help even out the load that work for you both?

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 13:46

Masses of sympathy op. My mh is on tatters with similar dh. No diagnosis here though. It's me who is on meds. Stress related caused by carrying the whole load..

Verv · 30/12/2023 13:47

Nope, accusing you of ablism is a surefire way to deflect from criticism though.
My partner has ADHD and uses reminders and planning to ensure that her responsibilities are always met. She's actually far more organised than me because of the way that she manages it.

MaryHinges · 30/12/2023 13:49

What was the actual reason he didn't buy the beer? ADHD manifests differently in different people. I need notes all over the place for what to other people would be simple tasks but truthfully I do forget if it isn't literally spelt out for me. Right now I have half a dozen notes on my desk for things as basic and simple as paying a credit card or expecting an important call because I will forget if it's not literally waving in my face.

FionnulaTheCooler · 30/12/2023 13:49

He can obviously function well enough to hold down a job. Probably because he knows he will be held accountable for any mistakes there and nobody will run around after him to fix it like he expects you to do.

EspressoMacchiato · 30/12/2023 13:51

WingsofRain · 30/12/2023 13:45

No, you are not ableist, he is using his diagnosis to get away with being a lazy arsehole.

This.

SunnieShine · 30/12/2023 13:51

No, he is taking the you-know-what.

I have ADHD (medicated) and I just try harder to stay organised, lots of lists.

theduchessofspork · 30/12/2023 13:54

Whataretheodds · 30/12/2023 13:43

No - he had 1 job and a clear deadline (and by the sound of it, time to pick up the beer after he asked you to do it).

I have ADHD.

Same on both counts

You have needs too, and a marriage is a partnership, not a free ride. Having ND is a challenge and you may need more time to do things than others, but again, it’s not a free ride. ADHD does not make anyone incapable.

The fact he didn’t seek help in the first place is poor. I’d expect him to have some coaching to work on his organisation in a way that works for him.

pickledandpuzzled · 30/12/2023 13:55

As a way forward, you could face any plans with ‘what will you contribute, DH, so I can decide whether I can manage my end?’.

Clearly it’s unreasonable to do all sorts of nice things that you can’t manage without his help, if he isn’t going to help. I’m not blaming you at all- I’m suggesting you make it explicit to him that you cannot do everything. At that point he needs to decide what he can reliably take on.

I’d suggest a party without beer at this point.

Id also suggest that in future you prioritise the bits you care about so anything he doesn’t do doesn’t bother you. When he is the one inconvenienced he will plan better. When you are his safety net, he has no need to.

BoohooWoohoo · 30/12/2023 13:55

You are not being ableist. I have a son with ADHD who forgets stuff like that and tbh he would have apologised and gone out again. He acknowledges that having ADHD doesn’t excuse him from participating in group efforts like this and uses his phone to send reminders because he knows that he will forget. He also understands that any reminders I send are to save him from having to go out again rather than an assumption that he can’t.

2024betterBebetter · 30/12/2023 13:55

No. He is using his diagnosis to make you do everything. It sounds like he’s behaving like an extra child.

KnowledgeableMomma · 30/12/2023 13:56

YANBU and that was not an ableist comment. DH has had this his whole life, but more specifically, 10 YEARS to start finding/learning coping mechanisms and skills in order to compensate for his difficulties with ADHD. He holds down a job, he takes care of himself......he can do 1 simple task in buying beer. Time for a deep talk together in which you encourage him to step up and get with it. You are not his mother and you need him to be a full-fledged partner in this relationship.

Twinklewonderkins · 30/12/2023 13:56

I have ADHD. I manage by writing down things that are important, setting alarms on my phone, that sort of thing. I can’t have meds but use therapy and coping strategies.
it wasn’t important to him.
he’s being a dick and hiding behind his diagnosis.

Foxsoxandgloves · 30/12/2023 13:56

He's a dickhead. Be dickheadist to him.

pickledandpuzzled · 30/12/2023 13:57

He’s being really ableist by suggesting his total incompetence is disability related.

Chilicabbage · 30/12/2023 13:58

pickledandpuzzled · 30/12/2023 13:57

He’s being really ableist by suggesting his total incompetence is disability related.

Animated GIF

Yeah that's a good point and you should say that

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2023 13:59

If “support” means you doing absolutely everything for him then I’d honestly get a divorce. You’ve got kids, that’s enough work without having to pander to his manipulation and insults on top.

You don’t have to put up with it. Imagine how great life could be if you decided not to. I bet he’d remember beer if he didn’t have you to do it for him.

Torchdino · 30/12/2023 14:00

He needs to find ways of dealing with stuff like this. I have ADHD and over the years I've worked hard to find what works for me- mainly lots of lists, alarms and reminders. I'm part of a women's support group and funnily enough all of us have busted our asses to find ways of planning etc so to minimise the impact on our families. Sounds like he's using it as an excuse, or at least not bothered enough to figure out how he can minimise the impact on his family.

Original poster
WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 30/12/2023 14:02

Thank you for the responses so far.

When I have tried in the past to put my foot down and basically say "no, you messed up, so can be inconvenienced to fix it" - sometimes (if he's feeling mentally well) he accepts this. At other times this is pushed back as me "wanting to make him suffer" and "enjoying watching him fail"

Honestly? It kind of is. I want him to "suffer" so he will actually do something about it.

But this is me "repeating all the awful things that were said to him as a kid that he was just lazy and couldn't be bothered" he insists he does want to do something and that he is trying, but it's hard and a long process

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 30/12/2023 14:03

When I have tried in the past to put my foot down and basically say "no, you messed up, so can be inconvenienced to fix it" - sometimes (if he's feeling mentally well) he accepts this. At other times this is pushed back as me "wanting to make him suffer" and "enjoying watching him fail"

Does he have this attitude at work when he messes up?

Original poster
WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 30/12/2023 14:06

MaryHinges · 30/12/2023 13:49

What was the actual reason he didn't buy the beer? ADHD manifests differently in different people. I need notes all over the place for what to other people would be simple tasks but truthfully I do forget if it isn't literally spelt out for me. Right now I have half a dozen notes on my desk for things as basic and simple as paying a credit card or expecting an important call because I will forget if it's not literally waving in my face.

He didn't buy it because he forgot.

Well: actually he bought some a week earlier that was supposed to last through Christmas and the party but it didn't.

For context- I had the car so he'd have had to walk to the shop which meant it would be a different brand that he wanted.

If he'd had asked me the day before it wouldn't have been an issue. But i had planned my day and timings and frankly didn't want to

OP posts:
AvengedQuince · 30/12/2023 14:07

He needs to leave reminders for himself to compensate for his attention difficulties. My elderly grandmother is a little forgetful but knows this and uses notepads, calendar and diary. With technology these days he doesn't have an excuse. It may be harder for him than a person without ADHD but he needs to take responsibility and put things in place to help himself.