Is this an "able-ist slur" ?

[WelcomeToMonkeyTown]

Fully prepared to be told IABU

DH has ADHD. Diagnosed 10 years ago but never did any CBT/medication as he felt he could cope.

Last few years he's very much not coping: emotional dysregulation, gets stressed/angry very easily and disproportionately, little patience, and very forgetful/disorganised.

He recently started medication for his ADHD and in some respects it's helping - he can concentrate more, and he is so much better at identifying when he is overwhelmed and taking himself away from a situation.

I feel like I am supporting as much as I can but I am struggling myself with my own life/work/stress and then having to accommodate him when he forgets/loses something or needs help to complete a task. I've losing patience and feel like I can't just ask him to do something and then walk away from the task: I feel like I have to remind him multiple times and then get asked various questions about how to do the actual task. I do understand this may be part of the ADHD but I don't know how to deal with it.

To my specific AIBU - we were planning a small party and his only job was buying the beer: I did the food prep, the cleaning, the organising, and bought other drinks. (For context he was working this week & I wasn't so I was on kid-duty)

On party day he hadn't bought the beer. I had a morning activity planned with the kids & he asked if I could pick up the beer on the way home. I had said earlier in the day that I was feeling pretty overwhelmed myself & didn't want to take on anything else, so my instinctive reaction was to be pissed off and say no: this was your one job, you didn't do it and now you want to put me out to fix it for you.

He thought this was petty & it wouldn't be a big deal for me to do it. He's right, it wouldn't be a huge deal. But I'm fed up of always having to pick up after him when he fails to do something, and I had specifically said a few hours earlier that I couldn't handle anything else. This has boiled into a huge argument during which I used the phrase "I tired of having to inconvenience myself because of your inability to plan properly".

To him this is a hugely offensive triggering statement and an "able-ist slur". He is angry with me that I "talk a good talk about being supportive but in reality it's all bullshit when I am constantly complaining about his lack of executive function".

Yes I do complain about his inability to do things. But my main complaint is the assumption that I will just pick up the pieces every time. I don't want him to apologise for having ADHD, but I do want him to acknowledge that it makes my life harder as well as his.

So, am I able-ist? Should I just suck it up accept that this is what life is with an ADHD partner?

Omg reading this. Not my dh but my brother. 40 years old, uses adhd as a get out for everything! He had like job Christmas Day (Colly cheese) asked him all day to do it, he kept putting it off again and again, making out I was a pain and that he had loads of time. Guess what we didn’t have that day?
same again last night. Had family over, he insisted on making lasagne but paid no attention to the number of people coming etc, only started it an hour before we were supposed to eat - I made a back up one which I felt so bad about but guess what, we needed it. And we ate so so late as he has no concept of time and isn’t an experienced lasagne maker.
I can understand all of that, what I can’t understand is using adhd as the excuse. I would have thought making a plan, sticking to it etc would help but he decided to go to the gym at 4pm yesterday!!
Yet holds down big job, travels the world alright.
No advice but sympathy!! I’m so glad he’s not my husband, I couldn’t live like this

You're right to put your foot down about the dog. He needs to focus the energy he has on his existing commitments not take on new ones.

There are 100s if not 1000s of therapists who will work entirely online these days. He doesn't have to be in the same country to seek that kind of help.

Not ableist and you're not unreasonable (diagnosed and medicated ADHD-er here).

I have diagnosed MH issues and am potentially ND. I try very hard to keep myself organised, it's exhausting. If my DH still ended up picking up what I consider more than his fair share of the load I'd feel very guilty.

I'm not in a romantic relationship with this person but see them a lot. It takes so much out of me and I really struggle mentally to handle the cognitive strain. I feel for you so much.

No, he’s just a jerk, and he’s manipulating you, and it’s fucking offensive of him to accuse you of being able-it because he refuses to take any responsibility.

I don’t have adhd but struggle with a lot (I possibly have adhd and autism) and dh picks up after me a lot. I personally hate labels like what your dh used as call it what it is- you’ve too much on your plate and you snapped as you’re allowed to do. I’m in awe of people like you and my dh who don’t snap very often x hope you get a breather op x

I'ma mum of a ND young adult We would have sat and planned together and done and online order to make sure we were sorted and that we stuck to our budget. It works when we work together as a team . I don't see a slur here but I don't understand why make things so difficult for you both

I cannot believe some of the names that are being thrown in here.. ffs get a grip or don't comment ! Not helpful

I have adhd and am a single parent if I forget stuff it doesn’t get done. So I don’t let it go to that.

I am not perfect but I have to find work arounds. Because there’s only me.

Everything has a work around. I use my calandar and Tick Tick App to remind me of things.

His disability does not mean that he gets to push all responsibilities on to you. He has to find a way round it.

Does he really believe he can have no responsibility at all and that everyone else should do everything for him? He responsibility is to find something that works for him to help him manage it. Not abdicate all responsibility

I take it he can’t hold a job down?

He’s not her kid. He’s her partner. As an adult he needs to take responsibility for his own coping strategies.

I have diagnosed ADHD. I have a stressful full time job and come home and am responsible for the home as well.

Your DH is taking the piss.

What is even the point of him? Do you really see yourself living the rest of your life like this?

Leave him now before you get older and become his carer.

This.

As an adult, you put in place strategies to enable you to function. His seems to be "leaving it for you to do". He needs some new ones!

"able-ism". . .??

He's hardly disabled, is he?

Sounds like he's using ADHD as an excuse to get you to be his 2nd Mummy to pick up the pieces.

ADHD person here too & he must find ways to manage this. He could have easily ordered a beer delivery the day before or even on the day via Deliveroo if they operate in your area. That’s assuming he couldn’t go and physically get it.

ADHD is not an excuse for being thoughtless… or resourceful when you cock up!

This is the bottom line, for me. If his condition means he can no longer maintain a romantic relationship and you have to effectively become his career, then if I were you, I would get out. You did not sign up to that when you married him - you thought you were getting a life partner, not another child who will never become independent.

Why have a party if you are already stressed? Why not order the beer on a supermarket delivery along with food. Why arrange a kids activity in the morning? Sorry but you are making life unnecessarily stressful. You could have gone down the pub with friends and no mess, no cleaning etc. You are part of the problem OP. Leave poor bloke in peace. Leave him and you will be free to have lots of boozy parties all by yourself and he can live in the way he wants rather than how you want.

He didnt forget to ask you to pick up the beer on the way back though, did he? Funny, that.

Hes taking the P. Tell him he can cope at work so, cope at home. He can work through strategies. I dont know how you cope with the mental load of someone who doesnt want to help themself because 'oh she'll do it'. I could not and would not. I do feel sorry for the poster (on this thread I think) who's in similar situation due to husband's ADHD, but he's not on meds - she is, due to the stress of it all.

You need to step back and take care of your own physical and emotional health. He will cope if he has to. Have a talk with him - direct to the point and not a long drawn out conversation. Then he can take it from there can't he

I'm idly wondering how many women would get away with ADHD which somehow means their partner has to think of, plan and do everything because, you know.. ADHD

⬆️

Abelist slur, my wobbly ass

OP I'm in the exact same situation.

For Xmas I left 2 things to DH. One was one present he had to buy and the other was sorting out the oven for Xmas dinner.

While he did sort the present out (while I sat there watching him do it), he never sorted the oven out. On Xmas eve I had to call his dad to come round and sort the part of it I couldn't do while I deep cleaned it. I was furious with him but he just shrugged it off with "well it's sorted now isn't it".
The reason he couldn't do it on Xmas eve was because he was present shopping as he hadn't done that yet. He always blames his ADHD.

Mind you a morning activity with the DCs on party day, I can't see why you couldnt just relax until party prep time instead of having a full-on morning. Maybe you need to drop some things too, as an aid with stress relief

Talk about missing the point.

Are you the husband here?

Theres absolutely no indication that the OP has imposed this party on her husband. He is a grown up and can contribute something to organising the party he is hosting.

This is a grown man with a job. Not a child. There’s no ‘leave the poor bloke alone’ here. Instead there is a lot of ‘the lazy bloke needs to pull his weight’.

This isn’t an ADHD issue. It’s a patriarchal bullshit and men getting away with contributing nothing issue.

I deal with this all the time, it drives me nuts, i am also ND and physically disabled but my DH will let things slip just long enough that i will have to pick them up, then says i’m petty if i refuse. Its easy enough to say (esp in this beer/party example) that they should face the natural consequences, but in many scenarios its me, my kids or other people i care about who end up dealing with the consequences so it WOULD be a dick move to not step in. Essentially in the early days you want to help and support and it’s genuinely no hassle to pick up the beer last minute, but then kids, work, etc responsibilities pile on and its just too much. You have my sympathies OP, i wish i had an answer.

'Leave the poor bloke alone'?! Seriously ??

@SALWARP2023

I don't think 🤔 you have read @WelcomeToMonkeyTown Op thread here properly,

He expects her to run 🏃‍♀️ around after him constantly like she is unpaid maid,

He can't rember things it's like he has premature Dementia,

She has multiple times on loop repeatedly ask him things to do this or that and then he forgets,
She has to think for him

He sounds like hard work emotionally extremely draining 😳