Is this an "able-ist slur" ?

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Fully prepared to be told IABU

DH has ADHD. Diagnosed 10 years ago but never did any CBT/medication as he felt he could cope.

Last few years he's very much not coping: emotional dysregulation, gets stressed/angry very easily and disproportionately, little patience, and very forgetful/disorganised.

He recently started medication for his ADHD and in some respects it's helping - he can concentrate more, and he is so much better at identifying when he is overwhelmed and taking himself away from a situation.

I feel like I am supporting as much as I can but I am struggling myself with my own life/work/stress and then having to accommodate him when he forgets/loses something or needs help to complete a task. I've losing patience and feel like I can't just ask him to do something and then walk away from the task: I feel like I have to remind him multiple times and then get asked various questions about how to do the actual task. I do understand this may be part of the ADHD but I don't know how to deal with it.

To my specific AIBU - we were planning a small party and his only job was buying the beer: I did the food prep, the cleaning, the organising, and bought other drinks. (For context he was working this week & I wasn't so I was on kid-duty)

On party day he hadn't bought the beer. I had a morning activity planned with the kids & he asked if I could pick up the beer on the way home. I had said earlier in the day that I was feeling pretty overwhelmed myself & didn't want to take on anything else, so my instinctive reaction was to be pissed off and say no: this was your one job, you didn't do it and now you want to put me out to fix it for you.

He thought this was petty & it wouldn't be a big deal for me to do it. He's right, it wouldn't be a huge deal. But I'm fed up of always having to pick up after him when he fails to do something, and I had specifically said a few hours earlier that I couldn't handle anything else. This has boiled into a huge argument during which I used the phrase "I tired of having to inconvenience myself because of your inability to plan properly".

To him this is a hugely offensive triggering statement and an "able-ist slur". He is angry with me that I "talk a good talk about being supportive but in reality it's all bullshit when I am constantly complaining about his lack of executive function".

Yes I do complain about his inability to do things. But my main complaint is the assumption that I will just pick up the pieces every time. I don't want him to apologise for having ADHD, but I do want him to acknowledge that it makes my life harder as well as his.

So, am I able-ist? Should I just suck it up accept that this is what life is with an ADHD partner?

Hi OP, another vote for you definitely NOT being unreasonable.

I also have ADHD. In fact, I'm currently on 18mg over the maximum recommended dose (being closely monitored by my prescriber). So I'd say I have it pretty extreme.

And while ADHD definitely does cause executive dysfunction and can make tasks more difficult to achieve... what your husband is doing is using ADHD as weponised incompetence.

I acknowledge that everyone experiences symptoms differently but id like to point out the a HUGE symptom of ADHD is not being able to forget. It's knowing you have this task to do. It's thinking about the task, it's hyperfixating on this task and feeling anxious and guilty about doing it, but being so overwhelmed that you physically can not do this task. But you don't forget about it. You're not having a nice little rest and it goes to the back of your mind, you're literally stressing about this task.

DH is an adult. He could have spoken to you about the dysfunction about the beer instead of just not doing it.

If it was ADHD, He could have set reminders, delegated to a friend/guest, used his big boy words and communicated to you that he was struggling with completing the beer task...

It was weponised incompetence. And you're not abelist. Infact, DH is giving us ADHDers a bad name!

Nope, he is wrong.

Everyone forgets things & it could be part of his issue, so he needs to find work arounds. As a disabled woman my whole life involves work arounds.

If his focus is that bad, he should set alarms on his phone.

People who use their health as an excuse bother me. He should take some responsibility for his health & being part of a family.

I don’t think that’s ableist. I have a physical disability (so slight difference) but my partner has complained about me asking for help doing stuff before and it’s been totally valid. For example, sometimes I’ll organise my day badly and then at 9pm, I ask him to help me into the bath. Sounds easy but after helping me in the bath and to do my hair after etc, he ends up going to bed later than he wanted so he will get annoyed! He doesn’t usually refuse (altho he will only brush my hair and plait it if I do this, nothing fancier like straightening)!

The fact is, I could set an alarm to remind myself or have discussed with him when a good time would be. There’s loads of examples of things like this. He’s able bodied and NT and I can think of times his inconvenienced me! It’s part of every relationship and each person should ensure they do their best not to inconvenience the other (to the best extent that they can)… he isn’t even trying to do that?

following for ideas :-)

Did he actually say abelist slur? I suspect not. You did call him out though on his lack of executive function though....and it's OK to express your frustration sometimes. If say you had mobility problems or needed to stay close to a toilet, you might not really like going out. I'd consider it OK for your OH to say one day....oh but you promised we'd go out tonight. You just had to pace yourself/be careful what you ate, then you'd probably be hurt and either sad or angry. It's unreasonable to expect someone to blindly accept everything and I'd hope that within the confines of a good marriage you should be able to let off steam sometime.
BTW, don't assume hecalways expects you to pick up the slack. Maybe he doesn't. Next time something similar occurs (and it will) just sigh and say Ah well, no beer tonight. You might find you can let it go more often than you realised. Only give if you're doing it will good grace. You're not his carer.

No it's not ableist. I have ADHD and other disabilities.

This and I say this as someone with ADHD. There is nothing stopping him writing it down is there?- that's what I do. He sounds lazy and like he's using this as an excuse for you to pick up the slack

Yes he said those exact words.

This is my point of posting to ask if other people thought me saying "I tired of having to inconvenience myself because of your inability to plan properly" was actually an able-ist slur or not

1. party was his idea. He invited people.

1. supermarket delivery isn't a thing in our village

1. I took the kids out in the morning so they wouldn't mess up the house which I had just cleaned, and so that they got to burn off some energy in the fresh air and would then leave us alone in the afternoon 😂

Also - I probably shouldn't call it a party. It was 4 families who are our closest friends whose kids are friends with our kids: we had grownups and kids round from 4pm ish

Thank you all for your comments, much appreciated.

If anyone can recommend any books/podcasts for ADHD-partners that'd be great.

Everything I've found so far seems to be focussed on "be patient, love their differences... etc" which I get, but I'm looking for something more concrete where I can support without just doing things for him.

The coping mechanisms so far seem to be to ask me for help 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’ve drawn a blank on that front. I’m very aware overfunctioning to support my partner has an impact on my own physical and mental health so i do try to have strong boundaries but even that uses a lot of energy and makes my life harder. I make sure i have a lot of breaks away alone, its the only way u can be “off duty” and recharge.

As someone with ADHD, I really dislike that the narrative is around how everyone else needs to support and accommodate the person with ADHD in a one-way manner. It feels like advice for parents extended to partners.

It’s not fair to the people around us. And we are not children - our partners should not have to become our mothers and take on the burden of everything for us.

This helps no one. Yes, some empathy about why things are hard goes a long way. As does understanding that I am at least as frustrated with myself as anyone else might be.

I think better advice would be around setting fair and reasonable expectations for everyone. Those of us with ADHD do have to take responsibility for working around our issues with executive function. Many of us do it at work and it is not fair to go home and take the piss with the people we love in the basis that we are ‘unmasking’.

Unmasking does not mean weaponising our incompetence. It does not mean expecting everyone else to do everything and just put up with all the problems we cause. It means being open about our challenges and issues and working with the people around us to mitigate the effects of things - it’s taking responsibility and figuring out how to all live together so that everyone is ok.

A burnt out, overwhelmed partner always having to pick up the slack is not ok. And isn’t actually a partner - presumably they’ll start to recognise this and decide their life would be much easier without an adult to have to look after, especially one who creates so much extra work for them.

No book recommendations but a couple of tips from a spouse and mum…

You can’t reach the end point of him reliably pulling his weight without going through some pain as strategies are implemented. So buckle up. Beware of losing attraction to him- mothering a man is a killer to your sex drive. Warn him of that.

When planning together, and he agrees he will do something, ask what strategy he’ll use to remind him- google calendar or alarm? Post it more on his phone? Whatever works. But build in ‘how will you remember’ to the process.

Ask him what ADHD resources/support groups he’s using, so you can get on board (shifts the responsibility to him while you are still being supportive).

Google calendars are great- multiple colours and options. Ask him to set up a family one so you can all coordinate together.

Lastly, there will be times when he is genuinely, remarkably, clueless and catches you out. Try and find the humour. Things like ‘checking if the cake is done’, and then walking away without taking said cooked cake out of the oven or turning the oven off are a thing. It happens.

YANBU I have ADHD and that means having to manage and adapt to life not just opting out.

I'm not 100% sure what an ableist slur would be or even if it's wrong. If you saying you're sick and tired of taking up the slack that seems a reasonable reaction. I think the problem is his struggles are non quantifiable. If a partner had ME would it be OK to say you're sick and tired of them always wanting to rest?
I guess it is a stab at his disability ie his lack of executive function however the question should be is that OK. I think on this occasion is was perfectly reasonable to snap and perfectly reasonable for him to be defensive and hurt. Long term you need to decide as a couple if you are compatible. That depends to a large extent on how you manage conflict.
Suggest that maybe HE is being ableist by expecting you to always be in control your emotions when his behaviour is causing you mental ill health! You need to agree how this occurances will be handled (coz they'll happen again) rather together, or separately.