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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this an "able-ist slur" ?

117 replies

WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 30/12/2023 13:40

Fully prepared to be told IABU

DH has ADHD. Diagnosed 10 years ago but never did any CBT/medication as he felt he could cope.

Last few years he's very much not coping: emotional dysregulation, gets stressed/angry very easily and disproportionately, little patience, and very forgetful/disorganised.

He recently started medication for his ADHD and in some respects it's helping - he can concentrate more, and he is so much better at identifying when he is overwhelmed and taking himself away from a situation.

I feel like I am supporting as much as I can but I am struggling myself with my own life/work/stress and then having to accommodate him when he forgets/loses something or needs help to complete a task. I've losing patience and feel like I can't just ask him to do something and then walk away from the task: I feel like I have to remind him multiple times and then get asked various questions about how to do the actual task. I do understand this may be part of the ADHD but I don't know how to deal with it.

To my specific AIBU - we were planning a small party and his only job was buying the beer: I did the food prep, the cleaning, the organising, and bought other drinks. (For context he was working this week & I wasn't so I was on kid-duty)

On party day he hadn't bought the beer. I had a morning activity planned with the kids & he asked if I could pick up the beer on the way home. I had said earlier in the day that I was feeling pretty overwhelmed myself & didn't want to take on anything else, so my instinctive reaction was to be pissed off and say no: this was your one job, you didn't do it and now you want to put me out to fix it for you.

He thought this was petty & it wouldn't be a big deal for me to do it. He's right, it wouldn't be a huge deal. But I'm fed up of always having to pick up after him when he fails to do something, and I had specifically said a few hours earlier that I couldn't handle anything else. This has boiled into a huge argument during which I used the phrase "I tired of having to inconvenience myself because of your inability to plan properly".

To him this is a hugely offensive triggering statement and an "able-ist slur". He is angry with me that I "talk a good talk about being supportive but in reality it's all bullshit when I am constantly complaining about his lack of executive function".

Yes I do complain about his inability to do things. But my main complaint is the assumption that I will just pick up the pieces every time. I don't want him to apologise for having ADHD, but I do want him to acknowledge that it makes my life harder as well as his.

So, am I able-ist? Should I just suck it up accept that this is what life is with an ADHD partner?

OP posts:
HoneyButterPopcorn · 30/12/2023 14:08

I’m sure he would have managed to pick up beer for a boys night, or a bunch of flowers for his mum when he pops over to visit her.

ADHD is not an excuse to misbehave or not do things!

Original poster
WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 30/12/2023 14:10

FionnulaTheCooler · 30/12/2023 13:49

He can obviously function well enough to hold down a job. Probably because he knows he will be held accountable for any mistakes there and nobody will run around after him to fix it like he expects you to do.

Well.... he is struggling with his job.

It is in another language (we don't live in UK) in which he is very good, but not fluent. His work causes a great deal of stress to all of us and I feel is another area in which he leans on me emotionally.

He is well paid; and we couldn't afford our house on my salary alone. But he regularly looks around for other jobs.

OP posts:
romdowa · 30/12/2023 14:11

It's definitely not abelist , I've adhd and things have to get done. It's up to him to manage his condition not you. He will never be perfect but an apology goes a long way too instead of blaming everyone else.

Original poster
WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 30/12/2023 14:13

2024betterBebetter · 30/12/2023 13:55

No. He is using his diagnosis to make you do everything. It sounds like he’s behaving like an extra child.

I do feel like I have a 3rd child and have said that I don't trust him to do anything which isn't kind of me.

He is desperate to get a dog and I flat out refuse to be responsible for another living creature which I know causes him a lot of upset. He thinks it would be good for him, but I just can't take on more responsibility

OP posts:
MorningFresh · 30/12/2023 14:14

I would be thinking in terms of who is going to be affected or bothered by the lack of beer? If it isn't you, I wouldn't be wasting my time on the issue.

dankfarrik · 30/12/2023 14:14

No, he needs to accept that he has to find ways to organise himself. I'm disabled too btw.

Jewnicorn · 30/12/2023 14:17

No, it wasn’t ableism and not an ableist slur.

I have ADHD and am autistic (diagnosed with both in late teens). There are some things I find more difficult than others but it’s not up to anyone else to pick up the pieces if I mess up. Obviously when my husband feels able to pitch in to help sort my mess out it’s greatly appreciated but if he’s busy/tired/stressed or just doesn’t want to then there’s no blame on him.

Faradalla · 30/12/2023 14:19

Op I have someone in my life with undiagnosed ADHD and its just awful. It can be absolutely overwhelming and there is a constant need to pick the pieces up. If I don't pick the pieces up then the whole thing falls apart so I don't have much choice. It's so, so detrimental to my mental health. I have questioned whether I have depression and have found that when I have a break from this person, my low mood lifts. You have my full sympathy. Other people can be mindful and understanding but the neurodiverse person needs to find their own strategies.

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/12/2023 14:19

AuDHD here and no absolutely fucking not ableist nor a 'slur' just a cold hard fact.

winewinewine23 · 30/12/2023 14:20

You are absolutely right not to get a dog as it will become your responsibility. He will 'forget' to walk it and feed it even though it's literally waving in his face!!

I feel for you. No real advice re the beer / ADHD - I agree with other posters that he's taking the p* and using it as an excuse and then making you feel guilty. If he can't remember stuff then he needs to write lists, alarm on his phone etc

Witchbitch20 · 30/12/2023 14:21

Is it party night tonight? It’s not yet 2.30, so plenty of time for him to pop off down to the shops and get the beer.

His refusal to rectify something quite easily “fixable” just adds to his arseholism.

Original poster
WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 30/12/2023 14:22

WhateverMate · 30/12/2023 14:03

When I have tried in the past to put my foot down and basically say "no, you messed up, so can be inconvenienced to fix it" - sometimes (if he's feeling mentally well) he accepts this. At other times this is pushed back as me "wanting to make him suffer" and "enjoying watching him fail"

Does he have this attitude at work when he messes up?

When he messes up at work it usually starts as
"This arsehole customer did x y z ..."
Or
"This Twat salesman spoke to me like shit and blamed me for x y z..."
Or
"My fucking computer doesn't work..."

It is always someone else's fault, until the switch flips and then we have hours of "I'm a complete idiot, I'm so stupid, I can't do this job, I should go work in McDonald's, I'm a pathetic loser..."

Which is so so draining. He falls into these "holes" where he hates himself so much and thinks he's worthless: there is no talking him out of it, it just frustrates and upsets me. A couple of days later he comes out of it and says he knows that isn't true and he was just "in a hole".

In a positive mood a while back he wrote some helpful points on what I could do/say when he is in a "hole" including just walking away saying I can't discuss with him while he is like this. But it didn't really work to be honest as he just shrugged off all his own suggestions as saying "well I was wrong, wasn't I, because I'm wrong about everything because I'm useless"

OP posts:
WhereIsBebèsChambre · 30/12/2023 14:22

WingsofRain · 30/12/2023 13:45

No, you are not ableist, he is using his diagnosis to get away with being a lazy arsehole.

Yes this

Themostimportantpartis · 30/12/2023 14:23

Why does ADHD stop him doing a task that he is repeatedly asked about? I ask this as a person with ADHD, mother of an ADHD child and daughter of an ADHD parent.

Original poster
WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 30/12/2023 14:25

Faradalla · 30/12/2023 14:19

Op I have someone in my life with undiagnosed ADHD and its just awful. It can be absolutely overwhelming and there is a constant need to pick the pieces up. If I don't pick the pieces up then the whole thing falls apart so I don't have much choice. It's so, so detrimental to my mental health. I have questioned whether I have depression and have found that when I have a break from this person, my low mood lifts. You have my full sympathy. Other people can be mindful and understanding but the neurodiverse person needs to find their own strategies.

My sympathies back to you too Flowers

My MH is through the floor. When he is "mentally well" he's great, and fun and his Neurodiversity makes him silly and spontaneous and who he is ".

But when he is mentally unwell, honestly my life would be easier without him.

OP posts:
Original poster
WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 30/12/2023 14:26

Witchbitch20 · 30/12/2023 14:21

Is it party night tonight? It’s not yet 2.30, so plenty of time for him to pop off down to the shops and get the beer.

His refusal to rectify something quite easily “fixable” just adds to his arseholism.

It was 2 days ago.

Those inconvenienced would have been our friends. So I bought it because I just didn't want to argue any more.

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 30/12/2023 14:27

He’s just being a twat. Does he hold down a job?

Original poster
WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 30/12/2023 14:28

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/12/2023 14:19

AuDHD here and no absolutely fucking not ableist nor a 'slur' just a cold hard fact.

I did ask why he found it so offensive, was it because he considers it untrue, or because he knows it is true.

Which is where we got to "able-ist slur" and "criticism of his lack of executive function"

OP posts:
Scattery · 30/12/2023 14:29

OP, I am autistic and DH is neurotypical. There are things in our relationship I handle better, and things he handles better, and we've found a decent division of labour that works for us. But whenever one of us drops the ball, we apologise and do our best to make up for it.

It sounds like your DH keeps dropping the ball, not apologising, and blaming you.

That's not ableism. It's him shifting the blame for something he ought to have taken responsibility for.

I don't know what to suggest for an ADHDer who is overwhelmed but I sure do know what it's like to have to pick up the pieces afterward (multiple family members are/were ADHD). It's hard. I'm sorry. I hope you can do something to recharge yourself, and I hope your DH is able to self-reflect and realise his own role in how things are building up. It's crucial for him to fix the current situation and not leap for the dopamine rush by searching out big changes (getting a dog, changing jobs, aren't right for this situation) but by scaffolding himself so that he supports himself better, and therefore you.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2023 14:30

WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 30/12/2023 14:02

Thank you for the responses so far.

When I have tried in the past to put my foot down and basically say "no, you messed up, so can be inconvenienced to fix it" - sometimes (if he's feeling mentally well) he accepts this. At other times this is pushed back as me "wanting to make him suffer" and "enjoying watching him fail"

Honestly? It kind of is. I want him to "suffer" so he will actually do something about it.

But this is me "repeating all the awful things that were said to him as a kid that he was just lazy and couldn't be bothered" he insists he does want to do something and that he is trying, but it's hard and a long process

I don't get it.

Surely he remembered? (last minute, but he remembered because he asked you to get it) So why couldn't he go as you were busy?

SpinningOutWaitinForYa · 30/12/2023 14:31

I have ADHD and, whilst I don't speak for him and it's subjective, this to me sounds like a personality problem. He had one job, and instead of doing it, he spent the time in a back-and-forth with you trying to get you to do it. It feels to me that he just didn't want to do the task, which is pretty rude considering how much of Christmas falls to women.

I am unmedicated and struggle a LOT with executive functioning (what you've alluded to in your "ableist slur") and yes it is hurtful when people use it against you because it's already something you absolutely hate about yourself. It's something you fear people will say to you all the time, so when they do it feels like a knife.

Like I said though, I get the feeling that this particular instance is not related to his ADHD. You supported him with multiple reminders and giving him extra time.

YNK · 30/12/2023 14:32

It's possible that his ADHD is comorbid with other MH conditions such as covert narcissism (clinical or sub-clinical). I'm afraid he sounds sly and manipulative to me, apologies if I've picked that up wrongly.

Prof Sam Vaknin has a very good scholarly video on you tube titled
'Narcissist and his body in health, illness, and disability'

RethinkingLife · 30/12/2023 14:34

Verv · 30/12/2023 13:47

Nope, accusing you of ablism is a surefire way to deflect from criticism though.
My partner has ADHD and uses reminders and planning to ensure that her responsibilities are always met. She's actually far more organised than me because of the way that she manages it.

Is there a good guide to using reminders and planning, please? I have family members affected by this and I know it's causing substantial strain on relationships.

They've tried setting reminders but the person who needs them ignores them rather than using them as a prompt to action, IYSWIM.

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 30/12/2023 14:35

No he s being lazy - disability is not an excuse not to pull your weight in a home, you may need to use additional methods to cope eg reminders, building quiet time into your schedule etc but ultimately there is no excuses.

Pretty sure everyone in our house qualifies for an adhd diagnosis, so even less excuses.

Original poster
WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 30/12/2023 14:36

@Nanny0gg he remembered too late as he was working that day (up until the party) and I had the car

OP posts:
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