Is this an "able-ist slur" ?

[WelcomeToMonkeyTown]

Fully prepared to be told IABU

DH has ADHD. Diagnosed 10 years ago but never did any CBT/medication as he felt he could cope.

Last few years he's very much not coping: emotional dysregulation, gets stressed/angry very easily and disproportionately, little patience, and very forgetful/disorganised.

He recently started medication for his ADHD and in some respects it's helping - he can concentrate more, and he is so much better at identifying when he is overwhelmed and taking himself away from a situation.

I feel like I am supporting as much as I can but I am struggling myself with my own life/work/stress and then having to accommodate him when he forgets/loses something or needs help to complete a task. I've losing patience and feel like I can't just ask him to do something and then walk away from the task: I feel like I have to remind him multiple times and then get asked various questions about how to do the actual task. I do understand this may be part of the ADHD but I don't know how to deal with it.

To my specific AIBU - we were planning a small party and his only job was buying the beer: I did the food prep, the cleaning, the organising, and bought other drinks. (For context he was working this week & I wasn't so I was on kid-duty)

On party day he hadn't bought the beer. I had a morning activity planned with the kids & he asked if I could pick up the beer on the way home. I had said earlier in the day that I was feeling pretty overwhelmed myself & didn't want to take on anything else, so my instinctive reaction was to be pissed off and say no: this was your one job, you didn't do it and now you want to put me out to fix it for you.

He thought this was petty & it wouldn't be a big deal for me to do it. He's right, it wouldn't be a huge deal. But I'm fed up of always having to pick up after him when he fails to do something, and I had specifically said a few hours earlier that I couldn't handle anything else. This has boiled into a huge argument during which I used the phrase "I tired of having to inconvenience myself because of your inability to plan properly".

To him this is a hugely offensive triggering statement and an "able-ist slur". He is angry with me that I "talk a good talk about being supportive but in reality it's all bullshit when I am constantly complaining about his lack of executive function".

Yes I do complain about his inability to do things. But my main complaint is the assumption that I will just pick up the pieces every time. I don't want him to apologise for having ADHD, but I do want him to acknowledge that it makes my life harder as well as his.

So, am I able-ist? Should I just suck it up accept that this is what life is with an ADHD partner?

My household is ND.
A diagnosis is an explanation, not an excuse. Especially if you’re an adult.
There will always be some things you can’t change, but there will be things that are a challenge that you need to develop coping strategies and other ways of managing them. And other stuff you avoid, using specific phrases and terminology to justify your lack of action or inaction.
It differs between individuals; making checklists, setting timers, accepting reminders and prompts from others to support you. It’s a pity he had his head up his arse for a decade, he’d probably have better management if he’d faced the reality back then.
Yes, he needs support. No, he doesn’t get to be a snappy git, he needs to be honest and think of ways round the parameters ADHD sets for him.
And he needs to learn how to apologise, just like everyone else.

I’m another person with ADHD who thinks he’s using his condition as an excuse to treat you badly. He’s behaving dreadfully.

This

What you said wasn’t ableist; & it certainly wasn’t an ableist slur. Claiming it was was a calculated way to try to shut you down & [ab]use the fact of having an ADHD diagnosis to his own advantage. If he cannot cope with (mild) criticism because of his childhood experiences, he needs therapy - not to demand you never tell him he’s fucked something up.0

He could still do a last minute beer run in his way home from work.

The thing about having ADHD is that you’re no stranger to fixing problems related to your crap organisation at the last minute. Getting the beer on the way home from work is minor in the scale of shit he might have to deal with.

He has (finally) accepted that he does need therapy and that the medication alone will not "fix him".

Getting therapy in this country in English is not easy. We went together to see our GP to ask & the GP said himself the system is fucked. They write you a referral but the responsibility is on you to find a therapist and get an appointment.

Guess who is the one googling English-speaking therapists.... spoiler alert: it isn't him

Consider reframing the "punishment for failing" as the natural consequences for what happens when you fail to plan appropriately. If you have exec function issues, you need to ensure that you have lots of scaffolding and strategies in place to support the areas you struggle with. As an adult, you find ways to cope that don't include abdicating responsibility because it is too hard. With children, we teach resilience and we teach them how to use tools eg notes / lists / alarms on phone to manage stuff they find hard.

I would perhaps sit down and talk about how he can help himself so you don't have to look after another "child".

It is a stressful situation for you and it usually is a small thing that causes a person to snap and sparks a big row. Sometimes the awful row turns out to be the price for bringing about a change in mode of going about things and even being more aware and more responsible. It could be a pivotal moment that brings about a change for the better once the raw angry feelings from the argument have subsided. Or it could go perhaps go the other way.

How long has he been taking the medication and what is it? Is it the best thing available? It may gradually bring about further improvement in how he functions and his ability both at home and at work. At the moment none of it is easy for you to be patient with. Any benefit in some form of talking therapy for him or should you both try relationship therapy just to try to get across to each other a better understanding and how you each feel so you can work forward from that?

He can't be Arsed to do one simple 🙄 thing,

Collect beer 🍺

I think 🤔 he is using Ahd diagnosis as extremely convient excuse to get you to everything and just watch you 😩 exhaust yourself, being his psudeo mother figure.

Pathetic ...

How does he cope if you are ill 🤒 or have got to be his mother figure when you are ill?

please it is not a slur of any kind its fact

tell himt o grow the fuck up

If I am physically not here, he manages.

Badly, and stressfully, but he manages. Although there is a fair that is missed and/or left

If I am ill I have to be really ill (shut myself in our room) and he will step up. or I just carry on. Interestingly my therapist told me to start having migraines every week or so where I have to disappear for a few hours

For a good while after my diagnosis (about a decade ago) I fell face first into the siren song of I have A THING, so I have permission to not even try, and you can’t complain about it cos it’s not my fault I have A THING.

The THING being ADHD.

That stage can become a nice comfortable habit, I’ve seen some people turn outright activisty and convinced they are surrounded by ableist bastards, unable to see that in fact … they’ve become Very Hard Work and no fun to be around. At all.

We have A THING. It’s not a get out of jail free card for all and any adult/parental/spousal responsibility we don’t like, find hard/boring, or wish to palm off onto the “lucky” ones who don’t have an official THING to wave around.

DH lost his temper with me after a good while of putting up with me using ADHD as an excuse to down tools, post diagnosis. As soon as I worked out my THING wasn’t going to keep the marriage on the rails if I just sat on my arse mulling the ways I was neurodivergent, I started to actually sort myself out.

Big fat hug. I couldn’t bloody live with me. I’d drive me up the wall.

He's been medicated about 2 months. Ritalin I think.

He's still adjusting and trying to find the right dose

This is so so helpful, thank you

Blimey. I have ADHD and can work hard and function and share household responsibilities.

This Christmas I did all the present buying, all the wrapping, all the cooking. DH shopped for food and booze and did half the cleaning. For a party tomorrow, I am doing all the cleaning, all the cooking etc etc. It's perfectly possible for people with ADHD to do their share, even if they are forgetful. I sympathise with him being unable to remember things and to organise himself - I know how hard it is. I have no sympathy for him not then behaving like a responsible adult and sorting out his share of the work when reminded.

Thanks everyone.

I am disappearing for a bit now to go for a nice bike ride to clear my head

Living with all ND kids I have come to realise being and arsehole and ND aren't mutually exclusive.

This sounds like rejection sensitive dysphoria and it's very common with adhd. Having a name for it might help you both to deal with it when he is triggered.

It’s clear he remembered he should have bought beer because he asked you to do it. He’s playing the ‘poor me’ card as an excuse for his laziness. If he were really thinking about how his ADHD affects him, he would be putting strategies in place to help him manage it. Think of it like someone who’s unable to walk. They have a choice - sit there and expect everyone to fetch and carry for them, or find aids to help them with the fetching and carrying - a walking frame / wheelchair / walking stick.
As a SENCo in a primary school, lots of the work we do around children with ADHD is supporting them to find strategies they can use to help them. For example, the child would work with an adult to create a user friendly timetable that would help them. One child may prefer a colour coded laminated card whilst another has a watch with reminders set on it.
Getting someone else to do everything for you isn't the answer.

What an honest post. 👏🏻

Christ, ableist slur? What a joke

I’m not convinced that giving someone who is weaponising his ADHD against his wife another term to use against her is a good idea.

You're his wife, his equal partner, not his carer. If you were his carer you'd be paid for it and able to quit if you were unappreciated.

this
show him how to set reminders on his phone FFS

I have ADHD and I have a terrible time trying to do things needed of me.
Having the responsibility of doing something can render me incapable of doing anything.
ADHD comes on a scale, no different to any other ND.
It is can be ableism, only you know how bad your DH.
Ask him which bit of the task he struggled with. IME if this I would have been troubled by brand and amount of beer. I would need a list with brands and quantities needed.
It’s shit for both of you. Yes it can be like you’re living with another child and that is horrible for you.

I have sympathy for you both.