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AIBU?

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Original poster

Poo-gate, what to do?

310 replies

notallmenbutalwaysaman · 30/12/2023 05:00

To be honest I just need to rant, I know IANBU but don't know what to do except seethe.

Just before LTB comments start- DH is usually lovely and rarely drinks.

DH went out last night- fine. He had no key and was utterly incoherent when I tried to call/text so I waited up until 2am for him to get home so I could lock up. Then went to bed and he was snoring- I kid you not- like he had some sort of jet engine installed in his chest. He also kept violently shaking and making the bed move like there was some sort of earthquake. He seemed fine medically, just very very drunk. I'm 7 months pregnant, perpetually exhausted, and can barely sleep as it is so obviously couldn't cope with this. He wouldn't stop it or wake up fully when I asked (yelled) at him to go and sleep on the sofa if he was so drunk, and in fact kept telling me to fuck off. So, 2.30am I get my stuff and go sleep on the sofa, which isn't the comfiest when heavily pregnant but is better than a bed installed with earthquake plates.

I must've fallen asleep because at 4am I am awoken by all the lights suddenly being on and an almightly banging in the hallway and kitchen. The washing machine is also inexplicibly on and so obviously the whole living room/kitchen wall has decided to get in on the action and is being as loud as it can possibly be. I try and sleep through it for about 20 minutes before getting up to see what on earth is going on. DH is now fast asleep again, sprawled across the whole bed, but there is a massive stinking pile of poo on the hallway carpet, with splatters leading in to the kitchen. The bathtub is FULL of what I can only describe as poo-confetti. Everything stinks. It's not diarrhea- I'd be a little more understanding of that- but actual solid poo. Now I'm awake (as are, unfortunately, my nostrils) I can't get back to sleep. My back and legs are killing me from sitting/lying on the sofa but absolutely no way do I want to get back in to bed with him (doubt he'd even make room) and I am refusing to clean up on principle but the whole downstairs utterly reeks. He won't clean up- he's still totally incoherent and is refusing to move out of bed.

So now I'm sat here on the sofa, in pain and furious, unable to sleep. What on earth do I do now? I've nowhere to go without a 2+ hour drive which I'm too tired for. What on earth do I do when he wakes up/what is an appropriate punishment/way for him to make up for this? Utterly grossed out and fuming.

OP posts:
Jifmicroliquid · 30/12/2023 06:49

Photograph the horrors so you’ve got evidence of his disgusting behaviour.

Morag273 · 30/12/2023 06:54

As above, photograph the evidence and keep somewhere safe (send to someone you trust - do not tell him you took images). Get out the house. Hotel or do the 2 hour drive. Send short text saying he needs to clear up his mess and his behaviour. You won’t be returning until he does. This is disgusting.

Berl29 · 30/12/2023 06:57

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RLmadmum · 30/12/2023 07:02

Definitely get checked into a hotel and get some rest. Don't return until everything is spotless. Hope you're okay x

Pixiedustandtwinkletoes6 · 30/12/2023 07:13

Wow. Hope you're ok

Iheartlibrarians · 30/12/2023 07:15

This post has given me such secondary trauma I've had to get up and make a cup of tea.

OP, I hope you're in the car right now to somewhere you can get some sleep. That's the most important thing- without it you are literally undergoing a form of torture.

Agree with others that you need to be clear about your expectations today (i.e. he sobers up and cleans like he's never cleaned before), but you also need to insist on a conversation in the next few days about the longer term. He has to spell out to you that this is the last time he will ever get this drunk, because he understands he cannot be this selfish any more.

He also needs to apologise for telling you to fuck off, by the way. It may have been way back in the halcyon hours before he shat up the house, but it's still an unacceptable way to speak to you and you don't need to put up with it.

sexnotgenders · 30/12/2023 07:17

How are you doing OP? As others have said, your tolerance of this man and his behaviour when intoxicated has to stop. The fact he has been 'nasty' to you more than once, and has now taken a dump throughout your house, shows a stratospheric lack of respect for you, and you need to set the bar much higher for you and for your unborn child.

I disagree with others saying you need to check into a hotel. If my DH pulled this bullshit, I would be packing up his things while he slept and then kicking him out as soon as he woke up, telling him he isn't welcome back until he is able to demonstrate a genuine remorse and a commitment to stop drinking (he clearly has an issue with alcohol, regardless of your attempts to minimise it).

I would rather clean up the mess myself (him included) then feel forced to leave my own home, especially when pregnant. You and your child are what matter here, both now and in the months ahead. Do not leave your home. You've done nothing wrong

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 30/12/2023 07:20

OP I know this will be grim, but pls take some pics in case he tries to tell you it was not as bad as you said
.......also to ensure you can see where splatters were and thst it is all perfectly clean

You poor thing. I'd be furious

AhBiscuits · 30/12/2023 07:25

I would be out the door and not setting foot in that house until he has scrubbed and scrubbed everywhere and hired an industrial carpet cleaner. Find a hotel and go there, send him a message to let him know what's happening.
I'd worry about him doing a half arsed clean up.

Dustyblue · 30/12/2023 07:26

Sweet fair Jesus. I've no advice on your relationship in general OP, but for now please just flee the fucking scene!

There must be a hotel/motel/something nearby. Grab your devices, throw clothes in a bag and GO. Stay for at least 2 days so he can clean up his own shit.

garlicandsapphires · 30/12/2023 07:29

Has he done this before OP?
does he often drink to excess?
I know you said no LTB but are you sure this is the right relationship?

auntyElle · 30/12/2023 07:33

Flowers and a meal solve nothing.

You really must leave the house, it is a biohazard apart from anything else, Ring around hotels, it's an emergency. Once you are safely away from the house you can rethink.

JubileeJumps · 30/12/2023 07:34

Please tell me you’ve left him to it and are in a nice hotel room somewhere.
This sounds like more than alcohol.

FredaFox · 30/12/2023 07:35

I don't think op is going to a hotel but she should
She needs a rest and time away from the home while he gets it deep cleaned

garlicandsapphires · 30/12/2023 07:36

Sorry just re-read OP - rarely gets drunk but has been nasty a couple of times when drunk.
I think he needs to seriously consider permanent sobriety as there seems to be a correlation between alcohol and appalling behaviour.

autienotnaughty · 30/12/2023 07:38

I would get dressed and leave the house. Go out for breakfast. Then book a cheap hotel (or expensive if you can afford it) and I'd go rest in a hotel room. When he enquires as to your whereabouts I'd say you will return when the house is cleaned and completely sorted. .

ThreeLocusts · 30/12/2023 07:39

OP I'm so sorry. Second calling hotel, making up something about a leak and arranging for stay from now until tomorrow morning. At least.

Also yes! To taking photos.

It's really worrying that this happens now. I've seen this pattern (often warned of on here) where men elaborate dysfunctional ways of 'asserting their freedom' when they see parental responsibility looming on the horizon. They tend to get worse not better.

You need to talk to him about whether/how he can face the fact that parental responsibility is 100% of the time, no downtime, no interruptions.

Which isn't to say that you can't give each other breaks from parenting, but he will always be on call, and he has to start behaving so that he can step up any moment starting now.

SoSad44 · 30/12/2023 07:42

This is so disgusting. I hope you are in a Hotel room now and let him clean up. Of course you can check in early - I doubt all Hotels are full now. Leave him to deal with his own shit (literally).

lucya66 · 30/12/2023 07:43

Oh no is he having a medical episode? If he’s never done this before if he’ll is be concerned.

wait until he wakes up and see if he needs help. Poor bloke will be embarrassed! He might need your love and support rather than your anger.

SoSad44 · 30/12/2023 07:43

autienotnaughty · 30/12/2023 07:38

I would get dressed and leave the house. Go out for breakfast. Then book a cheap hotel (or expensive if you can afford it) and I'd go rest in a hotel room. When he enquires as to your whereabouts I'd say you will return when the house is cleaned and completely sorted. .

Absolutely this. Don’t come home to help clean up!

momtoboys · 30/12/2023 07:43

So sorry this happened to you.

SausageRollsWithMustard · 30/12/2023 07:46

I agree that it sounds like more than just alcohol.

Hope you're OK OP.

NameChange259 · 30/12/2023 07:46

I agree to a 2 night stay - he’s not going to be fit for much today - he’ll need to sort it all out properly before I could come home and realistically that will be Monday.

Babyblackbear78 · 30/12/2023 07:51

Jeez what a nightmare. I also think you should be getting a hotel for a couple of days whilst he sorts out and pays for deep cleaning. How grim. Shows a lot of disrespect to you that he could get that drunk whilst you are seven months pregnant. Imagine you had gone into labour early.

BritneyBookClubPresident · 30/12/2023 07:51

I hope you are at a hotel already. I think they would let you check in but you would be checking in for yesterday so staying 2 nights...: though as a minimum that's how long I would be away.

Genuinely this is a bio hazard not to mention disgusting and absolutely unacceptable