Page 6 | AIBU to think there's something weird about this?

balsamshill · 2023-12-29T22:07:15+00:00

We have a male friend in his 30s, our friend group is a mixture of people from their early 20s to early 40s, very large, some with kids some without. I can't tell whether it's just him being a total narcissist or something deeper. He is obsessed with spending time with friend's kids and getting them to like him. He's not got kids of his own, hasn't tried, has a partner who doesn't want them yet. He is just constantly making jokes around them and is very gleeful around making sexual comments (not child related) in front of the children, he loves being Uncle _______, shows the most attention to one particular child and wants this child to think he's amazing, etc. I'm probably just looking too deep into this, but it does seem strange that he's so desperate for this child, someone else's child, to absolutely love him. The child isn't massively receptive. I feel like even though he's probably a good guy, when she grows up she'll probably think he's a bit strange too. Even women aren't this desperate for other people's children (with no blood relationship) to love them, and we're supposed to love kids.

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 30/12/2023 04:32

Having read all your posts op, and sorry if I’m wrong but he makes comments specifically about one woman to her kid? In that case I think he’s either had an affair or tried it on with her and is disguising it by what he says to her child. It’s all incredibly wrong and weird. Why not talk to her, say are you happy how he talks to your child? Call him out,talk to others.
Look op, do you want to be with a group of people it sounds like you dislike, ignore potential grooming, take drugs etc? And I’m including your dp here.

Howbizzare22 · 30/12/2023 04:42

Paedophile. Sexual jokes around kids? Wtf. He needs reporting. Obsessed wit spending time with them? Trying to impress them with sexual jokes? Fucking gross. Keep kids away from him, report him, call him out, warn the other parents especially the one who’s child he’s honed in on! don’t do nothing OP. Fucking pedo. I’d be worried if he was doing worse behind closed doors or when parents not around.

Ladyj84 · 30/12/2023 04:51

Yous sit in a room and hear sex jokes around the kids erm something wrong with all of you tbh

thebestinterest · 30/12/2023 05:30

Definitely let kids parents know. Keep an eye on him… sounds like a groomer.

Frangipanyoul8r · 30/12/2023 05:36

The whole situation sounds really immature. Not necessarily predatory but the man is clearly a socially awkward creep that the rest of the friendship group are tolerating. Most grown up mature adults don’t put up with shit like that.

I’d say it was pretty alarming for someone like that to be tolerated in a family environment, I definitely wouldn’t. It sounds like you aren’t a good fit for the friendship group generally. The fact they tolerate this guy would give me the ick about the whole bunch of them.

Frangipanyoul8r · 30/12/2023 05:38

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 30/12/2023 04:32

Having read all your posts op, and sorry if I’m wrong but he makes comments specifically about one woman to her kid? In that case I think he’s either had an affair or tried it on with her and is disguising it by what he says to her child. It’s all incredibly wrong and weird. Why not talk to her, say are you happy how he talks to your child? Call him out,talk to others.
Look op, do you want to be with a group of people it sounds like you dislike, ignore potential grooming, take drugs etc? And I’m including your dp here.

No not to the child. This guy made sexual comments to the mum with the children in ear shot.

AuContraire · 30/12/2023 05:48

Does the mum of yours girl have a partner? Is she the partner of one of the original group members, or an established group member herself?

I'm a bit concerned at your DP's lack of reaction to this.

YesItsMe44 · 30/12/2023 06:08

If you suspect, take action. Children also have a radar regarding things like this and I always listened to them. We had a family friend who children didn't feel comfortable with. We discontinued allowing him to family (extended, etc.) events, essentially putting up boundaries. I heard through the grapevine he was charged with multiple accounts of inappropriate actions with children, and was sentenced to a very long jail stay. DO NOT be around this person anymore.

gratefulforcousins · 30/12/2023 06:20

OP the group of friends are not from Brighton, Hove area are they?

Muchof · 30/12/2023 06:42

balsamshill · 29/12/2023 22:28

I'm in the group but not in the group, I'm just a partner. So I haven't known these people for two decades like everyone else has.

I have told my partner that I find it strange, but he knows I don't like this man regardless of his behaviour toward children, I find him very slimy.

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How many decades do you need to know somebody before knowing that this is very concerning. Everybody else has been able to identify that within a few seconds of reading your post, whilst you are probably looking too deeply at it. I am appalled that a group of adults has stood by and let this happen.

piisnot3 · 30/12/2023 07:17

A dozen people have already said grooming. I will add: If someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Muchof · 30/12/2023 07:34

Muchof · 30/12/2023 06:42

How many decades do you need to know somebody before knowing that this is very concerning. Everybody else has been able to identify that within a few seconds of reading your post, whilst you are probably looking too deeply at it. I am appalled that a group of adults has stood by and let this happen.

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*whilst you say you are probably looking at it too deeply

Sweep79 · 30/12/2023 07:39

Resilience · 29/12/2023 23:08

I would firstly tell the police. This will go down as intelligence. It will either be ignored or developed depending on what else the police have on their systems and what they assess the risk as. At the more extreme end, if the man has a conviction for anything relevant, the police may decide to make a disclosure to the other parents.

Accusations of paedophilia have a bad habit of spiralling. Completely innocent people can be harmed as a result, sometimes fatally, for no crime other than being 'weird'. From what you've said, this does sound really concerning but just bear that in mind. If you feel the need to warn others, make it about the behaviour, not the person, and don't speculate on why they're doing it.

The other thing to do is just challenge the behaviour. Just calmly pointing out that the joke is inappropriate around children might be enough to get other parents to think harder about their children's safety and this man (if he's innocent) to change his behaviour. If he's a real predator, he may back off if he thinks he's been rumbled.

This. I work in a field related to these concerns. It is up to the Police to consider what happens. We have no idea if there are existing concerns or a picture building / escalating. You can flag the concerns anonymously and I would also consider requesting disclosure, but am not sure this would be accepted. You may be surprised to know how many people manage to keep convictions from their social group as many do not result in a custodial outcome.

https://www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law-beta/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/

cerisepanther73 · 30/12/2023 07:55

@CarrotCake01

Very Interesting that you are questioning @balsamshill that,
is it just that he is that eccentric guy who is in your friends circle?

I know of and other people 🙄 know of an extremely famous eccentric individual who was obsessed with children too,

Jimmy Saville

Rember him from TV 📺 "Jimmy fix it for you fame back in the day"?

was also really eccentric too or was it a convient nefarious facade to hide 🤔 in plain sight, " hoodwink" his true colour's intentions?

theirs quirkness/ eccentric nothing wrong with that, and there is weirdness,

Don't confuse the difference,
there is a world of difference, even though it may seem like just a subtle hue shade of difference.

AuntMarch · 30/12/2023 07:58

I'm not sure the comments are about the children being there as much as the woman he's talking to/about.
I still wouldn't be letting him near the kids on his own because I'm also not sure they aren't- but I wouldn't be letting him near her on his own either.
I would have to speak to her about it.

At the very best he is a sexist pig who doesn't care that children are hearing him be crude about their own mother, so there's adequate reason to challenge his behaviour without making accusations.

Of course, he might be a paedophile and I'm not saying dismiss those concerns, but I would start by challenging him on what is known 100% to be true.

newnamethanks · 30/12/2023 08:00

Wrong. As you know.

CarrotCake01 · 30/12/2023 08:23

cerisepanther73 · 30/12/2023 07:55

@CarrotCake01

Very Interesting that you are questioning @balsamshill that,
is it just that he is that eccentric guy who is in your friends circle?

I know of and other people 🙄 know of an extremely famous eccentric individual who was obsessed with children too,

Jimmy Saville

Rember him from TV 📺 "Jimmy fix it for you fame back in the day"?

was also really eccentric too or was it a convient nefarious facade to hide 🤔 in plain sight, " hoodwink" his true colour's intentions?

theirs quirkness/ eccentric nothing wrong with that, and there is weirdness,

Don't confuse the difference,
there is a world of difference, even though it may seem like just a subtle hue shade of difference.

...yes, that's why I'm asking...!

I don't think it's "interesting" at all, I think it's relevant 😂

There's a big difference between someone that just likes children and enjoys the company of a friend or relatives' child and someone that is sexually aroused by and grooming a child.

We have never met this guy, don't know this guy and have no real examples of his behaviour to go by. We have no idea what's going on here other than a very biased, one sided version of events by someone that doesn't know him very well and doesn't like him.

There could be a whole manner of things going on here that we don't know, it doesn't benefit anyone to wildly accuse them of being a paedophile just because we don't like them.

However, yes, of course and as I said already, if OP genuinely thinks that this man is being inappropriate with these children and she thinks he is a paedophile and she thinks these children are in danger and she thinks they are being groomed by him, then she has to just say THAT and then try and do something about it.

BlackPanther75 · 30/12/2023 08:33

Nothing weird about an adult loving playing with kids at all, but him focusing in on one specific child sounds strange, and the sexual comments in front of kids… whilst being really child focused is also weird. I think your senses are picking up on the weirdness of it. I’d be concerned and careful at least

cerisepanther73 · 30/12/2023 09:09

@CarrotCake01

I say "interesting" as in the past there has been a quite high profile true crime case of miscarriage of justice wrongful assumed to be the predator based on hearsay ect,

when in reality it was this guy's eccentricity, that people mistook for something else,

When in comes to child safe guarding better to be Wary Cautious, than find out several years down the line and realise that you were right after all with your concerns @balsamshill ,

Your gut and intuition is telling you something is not right there is something dodgy about him, this creepy 😳 guy,

Why does he feel so comfortable to say dirty sleazy jokes in front of other people's children a lot ?
why doesn't he see this as clearly as inappropriate 🤔 thing to do then?

Is it because we live in misogynistic society , so 🤷 its just par of the course,
as that is just way it is, and he is empowered by that fact?

Or

He is a potential danger to children too and he is sneakily testing the waters in plain sight of naive adults?

Or

Why not listen to our Primeval instincts that is there to protect us from potential harm in whatever form it comes then?

I am a survivor of child sexual abuse , it happened in plain sight of a small village i lived at at that time,

everyone thought i was just a spolt brat of teenager who was just out of control going off the rails,
even though i had just losed my mother who adopted me,
just five years after being adopted,

I had been brought up in the so called children's care home system

I was a extremely obvious child safety concern, but you know what, people in the village where I grew up,
just quick judge me by my behaviour,

not raised the alarm and looked out for someone like myself,

I really wish someone like @balsamshill had noticed someone like me and had acted on it to the relevant Authorities,

when i was a teenager going off the rails desperately,
needing support and help,
my adoptive father was obviously struggling emotionally with losing his wife and was way out of his depth with how i was behavioural issues i had.

cerisepanther73 · 30/12/2023 09:15

@CarrotCake01

There's an ancient African sage saying it takes a village to raise a child.

there is definitely something in that ancient saying relevant to today for sure...

Justleaveitblankthen · 30/12/2023 09:22

IOnlyHopeItsGoingGoingGone · 30/12/2023 00:47

It's not strictly true that Childline is only for children. Childline also has a helpline for adults to use who are concerned about a child or young person. It's 0808 800 5000.

OP - this behaviour has red flags waving all over it. Could you live with yourself if you suspected and did nothing, and it was later discovered that this child's life had been shattered by what this man did to her? It may all be completely innocent, of course, but could anyone who suspects abuse may be taking place take that risk? You say the child acts young for her age.... they always target the vulnerable ones!

Edited

Agree with this.
In twenty years time this child could be on this very forum talking about how she was groomed and the adults around were complicit by saying nothing.

Lolapusht · 30/12/2023 09:44

OP, many 🚩

These would be my main points of concern:

very young for her age - vulnerable child who would be more impressionable than the other children

haven't seen him alone with her for more than 10 seconds - that’s all a paedophile needs. I’ve read more than one account on here from survivors of CSA where “creepy uncle” would abuse them in a room full of people. Seemingly innocent behaviours are used to break barriers and prepare the child for abuse, getting the child used to close contact.

or have them sit on his lap - does he do this or was this a general comment?

I would definite be wary of any childless man having such an active interest in children. Having a need to be adored by children is a massive 🚩 even if he’s not a paedophile, he’s clearly got issues that I wouldn’t want my child to interact with. NAM etc but my job is to protect my children first, then worry about other people. I’m not going to allow my children be in a situation I’m uncomfortable about because I don’t want to hurt a man’s feelings. I’ll check him out first and if he’s all good then great. If I have doubts he is not going to have unsupervised access to my children and that includes for a couple of minutes.

Fullofxmascbeer · 30/12/2023 09:51

Talk to the child’s mother.

Maray1967 · 30/12/2023 10:03

balsamshill · 29/12/2023 22:55

He'll make sexual jokes about their mother in front of her, in front of the children and she just kind of awkwardly laughs. Her partner is never around when he does it, but he did it in front of me and my partner and the kids (not ours, we don't bring children into adult situations).

I think he does it in front of us specifically because we're not bombastic, flamboyant, outspoken people. He knows for a fact my partner thinks the sun shines out his arse, and he knows I won't say shit because I have anxiety and already feel uncomfortable and not officially part of 'the group'. I think he gets off on knowing I won't say SHIT.

I think he also knows that I know the creepy shit he's said about me (my partner told me).

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For God’s sake find your voice and call him out on it. Think through what you want to say and practise it repeatedly - and then say it the next time he does this.

Think about it in terms of practising in advance of having your own DC, if you want to have them. Would you really say nothing then because you have anxiety?

If your DP is annoyed with you then he is not a man to be in a relationship with. I’d dump him and my parting shot would be reporting this man’s behaviour and the inaction of these parents to social services. In fact I’d do that soon if no one does anything to protect this child.