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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think there's something weird about this?

149 replies

balsamshill · 29/12/2023 22:07

We have a male friend in his 30s, our friend group is a mixture of people from their early 20s to early 40s, very large, some with kids some without.

I can't tell whether it's just him being a total narcissist or something deeper.
He is obsessed with spending time with friend's kids and getting them to like him. He's not got kids of his own, hasn't tried, has a partner who doesn't want them yet.

He is just constantly making jokes around them and is very gleeful around making sexual comments (not child related) in front of the children, he loves being Uncle _, shows the most attention to one particular child and wants this child to think he's amazing, etc.

I'm probably just looking too deep into this, but it does seem strange that he's so desperate for this child, someone else's child, to absolutely love him. The child isn't massively receptive. I feel like even though he's probably a good guy, when she grows up she'll probably think he's a bit strange too.

Even women aren't this desperate for other people's children (with no blood relationship) to love them, and we're supposed to love kids.

OP posts:
FeetupTvon · 30/12/2023 00:45

I would also have a serious conversation with your partner.

FeetupTvon · 30/12/2023 00:45

Because at the moment your partner and his friends are enabling a possible paedophile

IOnlyHopeItsGoingGoingGone · 30/12/2023 00:47

It's not strictly true that Childline is only for children. Childline also has a helpline for adults to use who are concerned about a child or young person. It's 0808 800 5000.

OP - this behaviour has red flags waving all over it. Could you live with yourself if you suspected and did nothing, and it was later discovered that this child's life had been shattered by what this man did to her? It may all be completely innocent, of course, but could anyone who suspects abuse may be taking place take that risk? You say the child acts young for her age.... they always target the vulnerable ones!

Fionaville · 30/12/2023 00:51

Your gut is telling you somethings not right. Trust it.

notacooldad · 30/12/2023 00:51

I've probably missed it, I'm sorry, but where are the child's parents in all this.
I find it hard that in a group and one is making sexulised jokes in front of kids no one has said ' mate, enough, not in front of kids'
We have e ough kids in our extended group and often have bbq and parties. You can guarantee one of the younger adults will gt pissed and swear. They are always pulled up about their language ' in front of the children' so sex jokes would be unheard of

Firawla · 30/12/2023 00:52

Sounds like an absolute paedo - avoid and do not let your kids be around him at all

SingleMum11 · 30/12/2023 01:07

I would call him out very loudly and in front of the kids ‘That is totally inappropriate, you need to stop talking about sex in front of kids. Kids that is completely wrong for adults to talk about sex in front of you, and very wrong to ask to be your friend too, tell your parents if any adult does this.’

I’d say it all in front of him and the kids and then I’d tell the parents that this is inappropriate. Because it is and the kids especially need to see from other adults that his kind of talk is WRONG.

JoBrandsCleaner · 30/12/2023 01:08

balsamshill · 29/12/2023 23:52

I do personally think there is no reason adults who don't have relation or responsibility to/for a child should be alone with that child.

It's like handing someone a bowl of 100 M&Ms, but one of them is poison. You still gonna have a handful of M&Ms?

Show quote history

It’s not just one that’s poison though, it’s at least 10; ‘statistically’. You’re right, and you can’t be too careful even with adults who do have a relationship or responsibility to a child.

liverpoolgal82 · 30/12/2023 01:20

If he’s making jokes about having /wanting sex with the child’s mother, could they have something going on and maybe the child is his- hence his interest? If not then it does sound all a bit weird.

AInightingale · 30/12/2023 01:22

Can you give examples of the things he has actually said, apart from 'sexual comments about the mother'? What, specifically?

The best reaction is your gut reaction and pleased don't be blinded by charm and niceness and personability and 'good works', I don't know why society keeps falling for that shit, again and again.

Abbiie · 30/12/2023 01:27

That is VERY WEIRD and its concerning nobody else seems to think so in the group. Id be keeping the kdis away from him at all costs and id also be talking to the other childrens parents. I also wouldnt worry about bwing kicked out the friendship group if they dont agree... at least you know youve done what you can to protect your kids and theirs. If there is something sinister they will soon learn

Mombie · 30/12/2023 01:29

In your post you mentioned that he focuses on one child in particular and wants them to think that he is amazing. Can you elaborate on this, what does he say/do? Where are the child’s parents and how do they react to him?

Why is your DH so in awe of him? is there a strange pecking order where he is allowed to say and do whatever he likes to other ppls other-halves? Also you mentioned another anxious lad at the table, is he part of the main group too? I’m struggling to see what all of these different-aged friends have in common. Is it a large group of men who have house parties every few weeks/months because this is how I have pictured it. How involved are the women? Sorry to bombard you with questions but it seems like an awful lot of drunk strangers around toddlers/kids.

NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 30/12/2023 01:31

Groomers groom the adults first, then the kids. That’s why the adults ( like the Ops partner ) can’t see it. It’s all

” Oh no, Dave is a great bloke really, it’s just his warped sense of humour” etc etc

comfyoldcardi · 30/12/2023 01:43

I wish I had known all this when my relative was befriended by a similar man. I would have seen the red flags much, much earlier. They all seem to use the same playbook, it is like a script.

ALongHardWinter · 30/12/2023 01:55

Trust your gut instinct OP. He sounds like a paedophile in the making.

Fraaahnces · 30/12/2023 02:09

Honestly, I think your partner needs a good talking to about allowing that slimy creep to disrespect his friend’s partner by all the sex talk. Perhaps you could ask her how SHE feels about it and let her know you wanted to see if she was okay. That might open up a conversation about his behaviour around the kids.

Fraaahnces · 30/12/2023 02:10

Oh, and I think you would have to have blinders on not to see his behaviour as completely inappropriate with this woman AND the kids.

JenniferJuniper80 · 30/12/2023 02:17

Trust what your gut instinct is telling you. You know he's off.
We can tell from here he's off.

Wintersgirl · 30/12/2023 02:31

He has spoken of wanting to take her out, but I don't know if he ever has.

OMG no! You must warn the parents...

Starlia · 30/12/2023 03:10

There are so many red flags on this person, so so many. This is exactly how grooming occurs.
There are no excuses for this type of behaviour - no ‘warped sense of humour’, no ‘well he is really successful and popular’, no ‘he’s a good guy’.
this is NOT normal adult behaviour and he must not be allowed to have access to any child.

JANEY205 · 30/12/2023 03:26

Sounds very very concerning!! None of the males I know are interested in other peoples kids (most women myself included aren’t either tbh except pleasantries) and so I’d find this really worrying!! Very creepy! And Wtaf do you mean ‘sexual comments’ that is not ok!

steff13 · 30/12/2023 03:38

Gross. I would cut contact with him.

I had a close friend from high school who behaved just like this (as an adult). He even became a girls' soccer coach. And got one of the girls pregnant - she was 13. He's still in jail, I think.

Esmerelda2024 · 30/12/2023 04:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 30/12/2023 04:26

Fraaahnces · 30/12/2023 02:09

Honestly, I think your partner needs a good talking to about allowing that slimy creep to disrespect his friend’s partner by all the sex talk. Perhaps you could ask her how SHE feels about it and let her know you wanted to see if she was okay. That might open up a conversation about his behaviour around the kids.

It sounds like OP's partner even managed to overlook the guy's disrespect to his own partner (OP)!

@balsamshill, I was also thinking about the woman he likes to target with his sex suggestions. It's a good idea to ask her if she's okay. I'm also very much in agreement with the idea of calling attention to his revolting behaviour, and love the "Jimmy Savile" suggestion - perfect!

Everyone in that group, kids included, needs you to find your voice. Wishing you a following wind.

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/12/2023 04:26

My Mum was friends with someone who sounds v similar - pretty certain he wasn't a pedo, but they had grown up together, were part of a fairly 'loud parties, everyones shagged everyone' set...

He would delight in shocking and I can recall him purposely making sexual comments about adults, around us kids. The sorts of things that you wouldn't initially 'get'... and then if you did you'd feel grossed out and naive and stupid. If you didn't you knew he was laughing at the fact you didn't understand.

I think in fact his goal was to shock, and to make kids feel stupid and 'other'... like 'I have a relationship with your Mother that you haven't got, im special to her in a way you aren't and never will be', as that made him feel brilliant and clever, long after other adults were bored of his behaviour.

But he was 'nice' to us because thats how he could get close enough to behave that way and get his kicks. If he'd just been plain nasty then we wouldn't have been allowed near him.

Later in life he did just get nasty to me at least, he'd ring my mother up to basically amuse himself and talk filth I think or moan on about how he had no friends left due to his rampant alcoholism. If I had the misfortune to answer the phone he'd say things like 'have you got fucked yet, no? I'm not surprised you're such a fat bitch'... (I was 13/14 - he hadn't seen me since i was 10!).

In the end aged 15 I told him it was no shock to me or anyone else that he was a friendless alcoholic waster who everyone avoided like the plague including his own kids, to which he said 'oh!'... and hung up. Never heard from him again.

So I would call him out, whether he is a pedo or not, because he is getting his kicks in an unpleasant way that these parents, like mine, have not realised.