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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think there's something weird about this?

149 replies

balsamshill · 29/12/2023 22:07

We have a male friend in his 30s, our friend group is a mixture of people from their early 20s to early 40s, very large, some with kids some without.

I can't tell whether it's just him being a total narcissist or something deeper.
He is obsessed with spending time with friend's kids and getting them to like him. He's not got kids of his own, hasn't tried, has a partner who doesn't want them yet.

He is just constantly making jokes around them and is very gleeful around making sexual comments (not child related) in front of the children, he loves being Uncle _, shows the most attention to one particular child and wants this child to think he's amazing, etc.

I'm probably just looking too deep into this, but it does seem strange that he's so desperate for this child, someone else's child, to absolutely love him. The child isn't massively receptive. I feel like even though he's probably a good guy, when she grows up she'll probably think he's a bit strange too.

Even women aren't this desperate for other people's children (with no blood relationship) to love them, and we're supposed to love kids.

OP posts:
Moccasin · 29/12/2023 22:29

What do you mean exactly OP when you say “gleeful around making sexual comments (not child related) in front of the children”? Like innuendos that go over kids head in a (presumably poor) attempt to make adults laugh, or more direct inappropriate stuff? Although I guess any sexual comment around a child is inappropriate!

Original poster
balsamshill · 29/12/2023 22:29

Anotheronenearlydone · 29/12/2023 22:27

This man is literally making sexual comments around children.

Feeling alarmed by this isn't a gut reaction! This isn't something that OP "can't quite put her finger on".

He's being openly fucking gross and yet...OP is pretending that she's a bit puzzled as to why she's feeling uneasy 🙄

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I've been told I was overreacting, hence trying to take it with a pinch of salt but deep down I know anyone who gets a kick out of making sex jokes in the presence of children that go over their heads is a bit of a weirdo.

I didn't want people to think I was being all like 'oh my God this straight grown man actually enjoys playing with children because he's a nice guy, why are you assuming he's a pedo you sexist'

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 29/12/2023 22:30

balsamshill · 29/12/2023 22:28

I'm in the group but not in the group, I'm just a partner. So I haven't known these people for two decades like everyone else has.

I have told my partner that I find it strange, but he knows I don't like this man regardless of his behaviour toward children, I find him very slimy.

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This makes it more and more creepy. Hidden in plain sight.

how old are the kids? Are they ever alone with him?

Newsenmum · 29/12/2023 22:30

balsamshill · 29/12/2023 22:29

I've been told I was overreacting, hence trying to take it with a pinch of salt but deep down I know anyone who gets a kick out of making sex jokes in the presence of children that go over their heads is a bit of a weirdo.

I didn't want people to think I was being all like 'oh my God this straight grown man actually enjoys playing with children because he's a nice guy, why are you assuming he's a pedo you sexist'

Show quote history

But he’s not playing the comments are sexual and it’s weird he wants them to like him so much. What kind of stuff does he say??

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2023 22:32

You're clearly not "overreacting" so it's time to grow a backbone and do something.

Loubelle70 · 29/12/2023 22:36

Mywhoopdeedoo · 29/12/2023 22:20

Grooming

Yes.
Tell the parents and tell him its creepy

SeriouslyStressed · 29/12/2023 22:40

I had a godfather like this. He sexually assaulted me. Please trust your gut

CarrotCake01 · 29/12/2023 22:41

I mean, you don't paint a good picture OP but I feel this is very heavily one sided against someone you clearly just do not like regardless.

Some of my friends are childless males who like children 🤷🏼‍♀️ Wanting to talk to the child of a close friend doesn't make you a paedophile. He's been friends with these people for like 20 years.

Of course, there's not really any justification on telling sex jokes to minors and the behaviour sounds like it could be quite dodgy, you're not wrong for voicing a concern if you have that gut feeling but what is it you're saying exactly?
Are you saying your OH's friend is grooming children? Or is he just a little eccentric and you just don't like him?

It's hard to tell without context from the original post.

TeaGinandFags · 29/12/2023 22:42

User4363463 · 29/12/2023 22:14

He sounds like a pedo

This.

Paedos work really, really hard to become an indispensable part of a child's life and will groom the adults surrounding the child life.

Be that adult who won't be fooled. He may be just a child obsessed man, but better safe than sorry. Get close to the child so they can come to you if they need to offload. Encourage others to do the same. He'll disappear if the child has more than one adult to turn to.

MillenialAvocado · 29/12/2023 22:46

Big red flags and the sexual comments are particularly concerning. I wouldn't let this man near my children. Where are the children's parents when all this stuff is happening? How do they react to it?

Eekmystro · 29/12/2023 22:46

Fucking hell this makes me feel sick. Yes it is very weird op. Given you said the child he puts effort into isn’t receptive it sounds like they fine him creepy or uncomfortable too.

making sexual jokes around children is just weird. I’d have to call it out in some way or other.

Thing in a lot of child abusers are charming people who are able to groom others into thinking their weird behaviour is ok. So RED FLAGS.

TeaGinandFags · 29/12/2023 22:46

OP tell Childline.

Tell them everything and be prepared to repeat what you say. This child is in danger.

PatchworkElmer · 29/12/2023 22:47

Please look out for those children

Shouldershoulder · 29/12/2023 22:48

TeaGinandFags · 29/12/2023 22:46

OP tell Childline.

Tell them everything and be prepared to repeat what you say. This child is in danger.

Childline are only there for children. I would report to the police.

mollyfolk · 29/12/2023 22:48

I would keep my eyes glued on my children with that man around! All the red flags are flying there.

Original poster
balsamshill · 29/12/2023 22:50

Newsenmum · 29/12/2023 22:30

This makes it more and more creepy. Hidden in plain sight.

how old are the kids? Are they ever alone with him?

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One is a toddler but he's not interested in engaging with her. Other is around 5/6. She's definitely at school, but very young for her age and has a lot of lingering toddler behaviours.

I don't know for definite if he's been alone with the children on days out, but I personally haven't seen him alone with her for more than 10 seconds when they went in the house to grab something when they've been there while their parents throw parties.

He has spoken of wanting to take her out, but I don't know if he ever has.

Definitely not a fan of the whole massive friend group, 20 adults with free reign of the house and garden while the kids run around kind of thing even if this hadn't have happened, have heard too many stories of the 'funny uncle who isn't my real uncle' etc.

Partner thinks I'm mental and paranoid for not wanting any men but him and our (SMALL) families around my child alone and for not seeing his friends with the rose tinted glasses that he wears.

OP posts:
Comfysock · 29/12/2023 22:50

Peado tv celebrities were nice fun guys around kids and other adults.

OP you know it's wrong, do the right thimg and speak to ALL the parents

Eekmystro · 29/12/2023 22:51

I mean you could do a Sarah’s law app. In case he’s got any known history that friends aren’t aware of. No use if there’s nothing, but it’s a worth while step to take just in case it’s helpful.

Comfysock · 29/12/2023 22:52

Eekmystro · 29/12/2023 22:51

I mean you could do a Sarah’s law app. In case he’s got any known history that friends aren’t aware of. No use if there’s nothing, but it’s a worth while step to take just in case it’s helpful.

Good idea, I would do this too

Newsenmum · 29/12/2023 22:54

So does anyone else hear the jokes? Can you mention it almost as a joke “did you hear what xxx said?”

Original poster
balsamshill · 29/12/2023 22:55

Newsenmum · 29/12/2023 22:30

But he’s not playing the comments are sexual and it’s weird he wants them to like him so much. What kind of stuff does he say??

Show quote history

He'll make sexual jokes about their mother in front of her, in front of the children and she just kind of awkwardly laughs. Her partner is never around when he does it, but he did it in front of me and my partner and the kids (not ours, we don't bring children into adult situations).

I think he does it in front of us specifically because we're not bombastic, flamboyant, outspoken people. He knows for a fact my partner thinks the sun shines out his arse, and he knows I won't say shit because I have anxiety and already feel uncomfortable and not officially part of 'the group'. I think he gets off on knowing I won't say SHIT.

I think he also knows that I know the creepy shit he's said about me (my partner told me).

OP posts:
Daisybuttercup12345 · 29/12/2023 22:55

He is openly grooming. Wake up op!!

Comfysock · 29/12/2023 22:57

Give us an example of what he has said OP

Original poster
balsamshill · 29/12/2023 22:58

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2023 22:32

You're clearly not "overreacting" so it's time to grow a backbone and do something.

I think I'm going to make a concentrated effort to be there the next time these parents throw a party.

I'll have a little drink to ease the nerves, and if he says even one single thing, I will call it out. I think people will take it on board even if I do make a joke of it, because I am not someone who speaks up. I'm widely known for not having a backbone but when child safety is involved, I'd rather be a pariah than complicit if something did happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
balsamshill · 29/12/2023 22:59

Comfysock · 29/12/2023 22:57

Give us an example of what he has said OP

Jokes about having sex with the children's mother to her face in front of the children (while her young toddler was in her arms and the child was running about), making sexual innuendos about 'toys', like kids toys, sex toys, etc.

OP posts: