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Original poster

To tell daughter I'm adopted?

110 replies

Starfish125 · 29/12/2023 21:35

So my dad adopted me when I was 6 (mum is my biological mum) the man who got my mum pregnant wasn't interested and I've never seen or met him in my 34 years of being here and I never will. My dad was a fantastic dad and grandad and tragically died at 55 4 years ago. My daughter has no idea he adopted me, and I always felt I would tell her one day (she's 10 btw) but not yet. However, the problem here is someone else telling her. My cousin (dad's brothers daughter) used to relish in reminding me that we weren't 'real' family and our shared cousins were more her family than mine. This was gutting at the time but she was a horrible child. She has changed since then but unfortunately has also had, a horrible child of her own. Now I'm 99% sure knowing my cousin that she's told her daughter (who is also 10) that my dad adopted me. I'm so so worried she'll tell my daughter before I get the chance to, but equally I don't want to tell her either, as I'm worried it'll change her views on me and my family? I couldn't bare it if she thought they were all 'pretend' or whatever. For the record my other cousins are very close to me and never treated me like my other cousin did and the irony is that they don't speak to her anymore, just me. What do people think I should do regarding telling my daughter? Also to not drip feed,.this cousin of mine I still see as she's grown up to be a lot nicer but I still think she may have told her daughter this.

You are being unreasonable - tell her
You are not being unreasonable - don't tell her

OP posts:
NotARealWookiie · 29/12/2023 21:36

Tell her.

Lifeinlists · 29/12/2023 21:39

Just tell her. You're massively overthinking it. It's not a dark secret, just a fact, and she probably won't bat an eyelid.

RedChester · 29/12/2023 21:40

I would just mention it casually to her as if it is no big deal. It’s pretty common in my family for someone to take on someone else’s kids and raise them as their own, and it’s never been something that has been made a big deal of. Family is what you make of it rather than blood, and it takes guts to adopt.

once your DD knows then all the power is gone out of it.

Summerbee3 · 29/12/2023 21:41

Tell her. My boys know that I’m not biologically related to my Step-dad but they still call him Grandpa and love him equally to their biological grandparents. My DS are 7 and 9

Caffeineneedednow · 29/12/2023 21:42

My grandad was my step grandad aswell ( adopted my dad)

He died when I was about 6 so a similar story to your little ones. My dad never told me and it was mentioned in passing when I wad a teen. It was really weird, wish my dad had just told us.

Please don't let her find out in a haha way from a bratty kid. It can be a positive to talk about how families are all different and honestly how things like biology are far from what makes a parent. The person who was their, that helped with homework, that took you to the park, that came to your sports day ect was the father you loved and the grandad that your daughter loved.

Londonrach1 · 29/12/2023 21:42

Just tell her, it's not a big secret, just a fact and your adopted dad is your dad as he raised you and loved you.

Conkersinautumn · 29/12/2023 21:43

Tell her, it will be her armour then. She will have no shock reaction, it'll just be 'yeah, I know'. Someone trying to needle her in that way will hopefully not get the reaction they're after

Notmetoo · 29/12/2023 21:43

Why have you kept it a secret? Just tell her. It really isn't a big deal or unusual. It's a shame you didn't bring her up knowing but as you haven't just tell her now but don't turn it into a big.dramatic announcement

CrazyCatLadySuitsMe · 29/12/2023 21:43

Tell her. It's not a big deal - keeping it secret makes it into something bigger than it actually is

Hellocatshome · 29/12/2023 21:44

Just tell her, to be honest you have left it slightly on the later side than I would have. We told our children that DH was adopted when they were 6 and 3 and honestly they didn't really give a shit. Its adults who make this into a thing by keeping secrets.

Porageeater · 29/12/2023 21:46

Tell her now, in a matter of fact way. Best just to tell children things in my experience before it becomes more of a deal than it needs to be.

BuffyWillow · 29/12/2023 21:46

I'm adopted and my 9 year old knows, she doesn't think of my parents any differently to her biological grandparents.
I'd definitely tell her and just say that there are lots of way to have a family.

Cheepcheepcheep · 29/12/2023 21:47

My dad was married before he married my mum (no half siblings though). Mum and dad waited until there was something on TV about divorce and then very casually said ‘oh your dad’s divorced’ and answered the questions very matter of fact and it was fine, no drama at all.

Is there anything related to adoption that you could watch and then mention it in a low key way? I’m sure there must be.

DH was the product of a sperm donor and we’re just planning on mentioning it in passing when we do the first ‘sperm and egg’ chat with the kids, although we’re not there yet.

JingleSnowmanTree · 29/12/2023 21:48

Honestly, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

next time adoption/different families or something comes up ....

'Grandad adopted me when I was x age. He wanted to be legally my Dad as well as just being my Dad'

kids don't care about these things, but they care about things being kept secret & not knowing when others do.

AuntMarch · 29/12/2023 21:48

My dad adopted me too. I've not told my son, he's only just starting to grasp that his grandparents are my parents in the first place (he's 4)

I intend on it just being quite matter of fact whenever the opportunity arises rather than some big reveal if that makes sense. I am pretty sure it'll come from him realising and asking about his friend having to mums, or seeing different family set ups in a book.

Josette77 · 29/12/2023 21:49

I'm adopted and my ds is adopted.

You seem embarrassed by this, but I don't think anyone will care including your DD.

Surely she knows families are created all different ways and adoption is one of them.

ActDottie · 29/12/2023 21:49

Tell her.

We have a family friend who is adopted - she told my mum who told me. But she hasn’t told her two children (both who are 30+ now) I just find it so odd she’s not told them but my mum and I know! And if she told my mum who else has she told that aren’t her children??? It just seems so likely to me they may accidentally find out via someone who’s not their mum.

Original poster
Starfish125 · 29/12/2023 21:54

You are all right, I am making it a big thing, my mum was very hush hush over it, my dad wasn't, he didn't mind who knew but I guess my mum made me feel like people wouldn't think me and my dad were 'real' father and daughter if everyone knew. I can't quite explain it, I suppose if you know you know.

I will tell her in a nonchalant way. Be interesting to see what my mum would think of this,.I doubt she'll be very happy but I don't want someone else telling my daughter. Also, I'm worried she'll have questions about sperm donor, as I've never asked as I never cared, how would you phrase this? I'm sorry for all the questions.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 29/12/2023 21:56

Just tell her, I’m not really sure why you’ve left it so long in the first place? Lots of people are adopted, families come in all sorts of shapes!

Maybe find a tv show or film with an adopted character and just casually say ‘oh when I was little my dad adopted me, just like x character’, don’t make it a big dramatic announcement or suggest anyone in the family may react the way you’re thinking.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2023 21:56

Tell her. It's not a dirty secret
It's a story of love.

You know families come in all shapes and sizes? Well there's something I think you're old enough to know now. When I was a baby my Dad left me and Granny. Then when I was x the most amazing thing happened - she met Grandpa and he loved us both so much he became my Dad, and then your Grandpa. I wanted you to know in case you heard another way, and because I wanted you to know just how amazing Grandpa was and how lucky I always felt to have him as my Dad.

Then let her ask questions.

Changingplace · 29/12/2023 21:58

Also, I'm worried she'll have questions about sperm donor, as I've never asked as I never cared, how would you phrase this? I'm sorry for all the questions.

I would explain that in terms of how being someone’s dad is more than being the biological father, and explain that your dad was the one who was around for you.

MayThe4th · 29/12/2023 22:00

I think I found out casually when I was about 8 that my grandfather was my nan’s second husband. Probably through overhearing someone talk about my biological grandfather who was a complete bastard by all accounts.

I also casually found out that my uncle is in fact my cousin and that my nan adopted him when my auntie came home pregnant and then decided that having a baby interfered with her life too much.

I think that if you’re the actual adopted child it’s different and knowing or not knowing has more relevance. But wider family really isn’t that big of a deal, and tbh it wasn’t that long ago that if a young girl got pregnant the baby would end up being raised by the parents.

Incogg · 29/12/2023 22:03

Why would she have questions about sperm donors?

HAF1119 · 29/12/2023 22:03

If it helps my mum told me she was adopted by her dad as her mum had her with a man but he then left and her next partner wanted to adopt her officially.

I honestly just took it as it was and didn't think/ask too much. As I got older I think I asked a little about the bio dad but not so much at the time. My mum has now met the bio dad but I chose not to. Again I just know the situation but don't think anything really of it - the adopted dad was still the dad who raised her. In our case a little different as adopted dad wasn't a good man, so she was more curious about bio dad and perhaps more forgiving than I think she should have been, in your situation I would have found it even easier to just accept that the grandad was still grandad and your only dad really

User562377 · 29/12/2023 22:06

Dh's dad is a step-dad. Our kids know and love him just the same as their other grandparents. It came up because the kids saw a wedding photo of dh's parents and dh was in the photo aged 12. They were curious, we answered their questions and that was that. It has never been an issue.
I'm glad you've decided to tell her before she hears from someone else.