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Original poster

To tell daughter I'm adopted?

110 replies

Starfish125 · 29/12/2023 21:35

So my dad adopted me when I was 6 (mum is my biological mum) the man who got my mum pregnant wasn't interested and I've never seen or met him in my 34 years of being here and I never will. My dad was a fantastic dad and grandad and tragically died at 55 4 years ago. My daughter has no idea he adopted me, and I always felt I would tell her one day (she's 10 btw) but not yet. However, the problem here is someone else telling her. My cousin (dad's brothers daughter) used to relish in reminding me that we weren't 'real' family and our shared cousins were more her family than mine. This was gutting at the time but she was a horrible child. She has changed since then but unfortunately has also had, a horrible child of her own. Now I'm 99% sure knowing my cousin that she's told her daughter (who is also 10) that my dad adopted me. I'm so so worried she'll tell my daughter before I get the chance to, but equally I don't want to tell her either, as I'm worried it'll change her views on me and my family? I couldn't bare it if she thought they were all 'pretend' or whatever. For the record my other cousins are very close to me and never treated me like my other cousin did and the irony is that they don't speak to her anymore, just me. What do people think I should do regarding telling my daughter? Also to not drip feed,.this cousin of mine I still see as she's grown up to be a lot nicer but I still think she may have told her daughter this.

You are being unreasonable - tell her
You are not being unreasonable - don't tell her

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/12/2023 22:47

Your mum has made you feel there’s some sort of shame in it.

There’s not. There’s only love in it. Your dad loved you - he chose to love you. That’s even more wonderful.

Tell your DD the truth - you’ve never known your biological father and you’ve never wanted to, because you had a dad you loved and who loved you. That’s all you need to say. Kids understand love.

SarahAndQuack · 29/12/2023 22:53

I don't think 'unreasonable' is the right term - you obviously have worries, which are understandable.

But I think you should tell her. My understanding is that children who know about their biological origins/family circumstances adapt better than those for whom it's kept secret (barring horrendously traumatic contexts, which this isn't). I also think the fact this is about your dad rather than her dad makes it easier. He was obviously a wonderful father and grandfather, but in a sense, the adoption issue is yours rather than hers.

If anyone in the family is being cruel about it, surely the point is that you had a lovely father who chose you. Now he's no longer with you, you can share memories with your daughter, and those are what's important.

(FWIW, my daughter isn't my biological daughter, and her grandmother on the other side of the family was adopted, so we have lots of experience about talking about relatives who aren't blood relatives, and I have found that telling stories and sharing memories is a sure-fire way to build those bonds.)

Original poster
Starfish125 · 29/12/2023 22:55

Thank u to everyone for pointing out it's more of a story of love than anything else. I'm not sure why I felt ashamed, these days it's pretty normal for most families to be blended or have step kids/mums/dad's. Looking at the comments and thinking about it it's obviously because my mum was ashamed,.not ashamed of me as such but maybe the situation, I don't know. Even now she has friends that have no idea my dad wasn't biologically mine and I know she wouldn't tell them either so I certainly wouldn't.

I also would never have called matey boy a sperm donor to her, that's just what I call him, I can't even say bio father because using the word father about him feels horribly betraying to my dad.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 29/12/2023 22:59

Starfish125 · 29/12/2023 22:55

Thank u to everyone for pointing out it's more of a story of love than anything else. I'm not sure why I felt ashamed, these days it's pretty normal for most families to be blended or have step kids/mums/dad's. Looking at the comments and thinking about it it's obviously because my mum was ashamed,.not ashamed of me as such but maybe the situation, I don't know. Even now she has friends that have no idea my dad wasn't biologically mine and I know she wouldn't tell them either so I certainly wouldn't.

I also would never have called matey boy a sperm donor to her, that's just what I call him, I can't even say bio father because using the word father about him feels horribly betraying to my dad.

I don't know if this is helpful, but a rather jargon-happy therapist I know refers to 'genetic antecedents'. Would that work?! Obviously not for your child now, but it's sufficiently removed from any connotation of him having done the work of parenting.

MumblesParty · 29/12/2023 23:03

As others have said, it’s really not a big deal. My parents divorced when I was a toddler and both have partners. I don’t really see my Dad much, but my Mum and her partner have been a huge part of my kids lives since they were born. They’re Gran and Grandad to my kids. The kids are teens now but they’ve always known that Grandad isn’t biologically related to them, and it’s made absolutely no difference at all. They don’t feel any closer to Gran than Grandad, despite sharing DNA with Gran. I don’t think kids get hung up on biology like adults do.

Mayorq · 29/12/2023 23:06

Another adoptee here, although "fully adopted" for want of a better term rather than one bio parent and one adopted, my kid has always known, I told her before she could talk and every now and again (she's 6) it naturally comes back up and I remind her.

Fuck stigmatising it or making it a drama, it's just an objective fact that kids are better positioned to process the younger they are

caringcarer · 29/12/2023 23:07

Just tell her yourself. It would give this cousin's child a power over your DD she shouldn't have. Knowledge is power.

MerryBlueberry · 29/12/2023 23:10

I’m so sorry your DM has made you feel you have to hide it, just have it as normal conversation, no big reveal. My grandmother isn’t biological and I have to remember that giving medical history!

ManagedMove · 29/12/2023 23:19

DH Was adopted and we've told out kids since they were too young to understand because DH did not find out until he was an adult and not from his parents. They genuinely do not care, even now they're older, their grandparents are their grandparents and that's that. DH also considers his parents his parents but knowing sooner would have saved a really unpleasant shock.

MoreDollies · 29/12/2023 23:25

It's all in the framing. I'm adopted - was from birth and I don't remember a time when I didn't know. However, my parents always presented it as being a very positive thing - that they chose me. Of course, I've grown up and learned that adoption doesn't really go the way my mum told me (with me curling up on a sofa seat and her checking out the other imaginary babies before her picking me), however, I will always be grateful for making me feel loved in this way. Sounds like this is what your adopted dad did for you - so tell your daughter this rather than having to backtrack if the horrid cousin tells her a more negative version.

Poppyseason · 29/12/2023 23:45

Some of my children are adopted as are other family members. Honestly all the research I did showed it was the secrecy that is harmful. Tell her and in all honesty to me it makes your relationship with your Dad something extra special - he chose to be your Dad and it sounds like a fabulous one!

88inchesoftherapy · 30/12/2023 00:58

I was in an almost identical situation. My stepfather adopted me when he married my mother, I was around 12 months old. My bio father was not interested. We occasionally see my bio dad as I am still in contact with some members of his family. I have no ill feeling towards him and simply say hello, as I would the window cleaner. He has never met my children and will probably only do so at funerals. He is nothing to me but I wish him no harm. My step father died in his 50s. My children, at around age 12, began asking how we were related to "cousin X" (bio dads family). I decided now was the time and dropped it casually into conversation, like it was just an everyday fact. I explained that my biological dad was not in my life so my amazing step father adopted me and was my dad. How my biological dad is still around but, as above, no hard feelings and no desire on either side for a relationship. Sometimes we make mistakes, like have children, and we cant take it back but he wasnt ready for it and didnt want it. That family is what you make it and who is there for you. That was 10+ years ago and they have never brought it up again. They accepted it and DD asked how I felt about it but that was enough for them. They speak about my stepdad ("dad") all the time and have never ever brought up the science side of it. Hes just dad/grandad.

Incogg · 30/12/2023 04:22

Starfish125 · 29/12/2023 22:10

The man who got my mum pregnant I refer to as a sperm donor.

Show quote history

You may want to reconsider this, it’s considered offensive by some people in the NPE community who are donor-conceived.

Seashor · 30/12/2023 04:32

There are a few stories on CBBC about different families, I know Tom Daley reads one. I use them in my class as conversation starters.

SD1978 · 30/12/2023 04:38

I think you're massively overthinking. She's not adopted, you are. I'd imagine she'll feel more hurt that she gets told by her cousin than you. It's not a big deal, but I think you're making it a bigger one than it needs to be.

DNAwrangler · 30/12/2023 04:57

The horrible cousin is a red herring. You should tell her because there’s no need for secrets like this and she should know about her family.

MissingMoominMamma · 30/12/2023 05:11

My dad adopted me. Two of my kids are adopted.

I love my dad and my kids so very much.

Being adopted isn’t a bad thing that should be kept secret- it’s about love!

BelindaOkra · 30/12/2023 05:16

Not sure why you have such shame attached to this. My dad’s dad was his stepdad. He has full siblings, half siblings & step-siblings. They’re all family. There’s no shame in any of it.

If something is a ‘big’ secret it’s usually best told earlier rather than revealed as a big event later on

MollyButton · 30/12/2023 05:21

My kids all knew from fairly young that:
A) the person they knew as Grandma wasn't their Dad's real mother but his stepmother
B) not to mention this in her presence as it would upset her

They also knew that I barely knew my own Dad as my parents split when I was little (and certainly from when they were about 10, which was younger than I found out, that I have some 1/2 siblings out there somewhere).

Josette77 · 30/12/2023 06:09

MollyButton · 30/12/2023 05:21

My kids all knew from fairly young that:
A) the person they knew as Grandma wasn't their Dad's real mother but his stepmother
B) not to mention this in her presence as it would upset her

They also knew that I barely knew my own Dad as my parents split when I was little (and certainly from when they were about 10, which was younger than I found out, that I have some 1/2 siblings out there somewhere).

I find it so odd when people say " real mother."

If you're the one raising the child, that's about as real as it gets!

I flinch whenever I hear that. It's such an invalidating term to adoptive families.

Muchof · 30/12/2023 07:16

Tell her, this is long overdue.

Incogg · 30/12/2023 07:54

Secrets and, let’s face it, lies in families are so damaging to children who have to grow up in them.

Mountainpika · 30/12/2023 08:41

My husband was adopted. It was no secret. Our sons knew from a young age and just accepted it. No problem at all.

NeedToChangeName · 30/12/2023 08:57

What age do children learn about sex education / making babies? That might be a good opportunity to raise this, if it's imminent

I think better to tell children earlier rather than later, before they understand it, to avoid "a big reveal" or children finding out in an unplanned way

And agree with PP, don't describe your biological father as "sperm donor". Better to say that eg he was too young / not ready, but that's for the best as Grandad wouldn't have come into the family otherwise

Dontcallmescarface · 30/12/2023 09:22

My DD is 31 and I have never told her about my background. I'm the result of an affair my mum had (no idea who with, not interested in knowing either). DD idolised her nanna and I refuse to say anything that will taint DD's memories of my mum. There are only 2 other people now alive who know and neither will say anything. Both my parents are dead now so there really is nothing to be gained by my revealing all to DD.