To tell daughter I'm adopted?

[Starfish125]

So my dad adopted me when I was 6 (mum is my biological mum) the man who got my mum pregnant wasn't interested and I've never seen or met him in my 34 years of being here and I never will. My dad was a fantastic dad and grandad and tragically died at 55 4 years ago. My daughter has no idea he adopted me, and I always felt I would tell her one day (she's 10 btw) but not yet. However, the problem here is someone else telling her. My cousin (dad's brothers daughter) used to relish in reminding me that we weren't 'real' family and our shared cousins were more her family than mine. This was gutting at the time but she was a horrible child. She has changed since then but unfortunately has also had, a horrible child of her own. Now I'm 99% sure knowing my cousin that she's told her daughter (who is also 10) that my dad adopted me. I'm so so worried she'll tell my daughter before I get the chance to, but equally I don't want to tell her either, as I'm worried it'll change her views on me and my family? I couldn't bare it if she thought they were all 'pretend' or whatever. For the record my other cousins are very close to me and never treated me like my other cousin did and the irony is that they don't speak to her anymore, just me. What do people think I should do regarding telling my daughter? Also to not drip feed,.this cousin of mine I still see as she's grown up to be a lot nicer but I still think she may have told her daughter this.

You are being unreasonable - tell her
You are not being unreasonable - don't tell her

Your dm was navigating different times and attitudes to the best of her ability. Thankfully people are more clued in now. I’m sure this fact will make your lovely dad shine all the brighter in the memory of your dd.

I love a book. There's some lively ones about adoption. I'd gently tell dd in casual way and ask her if she would like to read book with me

The man who got my mum pregnant I refer to as a sperm donor.

When I was a child, a friend of mine told me she was adopted (I’m now not sure if it was true, as her parents had 3 other children who were definitely their birth children) but at the time it seemed unbelievably glamorous and wonderful.

So, I would tell her, if I were you, particularly if you are worried she might hear it elsewhere and you will not be able to control the narrative so well.

I'm amazed that this has been kept a secret and that you are hesitant to tell your daughter about it. I'm in my 50's and always knew that my grandfather was my father's step father, there was no adoption (Dad was born in the early 40's and his mother got married when he was almost three), Grandad reared my father as lovingly as any father and was a wonderful grandfather and great grandfather and the fact that he wasn't related biologically made absolutely no difference to us and it won't to your daughter either, put it in such a way that your father choose to be in your life, he loved you so much he wanted to be there and give her a few key phases to emphasis this if you think she'll need them if confronted by her cousin.

Please don't refer to him as a sperm donor to your DD because pregnancy by actual sperm donor exists and using this term incorrectly will just cause confusion.

Definitely tell her.

It's best to just be honest from day 1 and then it's just normal.

I didn't find out that my grandad wasnt my mums biological dad until I was in my 30's and when I found out I certainly didn't care at all that my grandad wasn't biologically related to me.

However, it did feel a bit odd that my mum felt the need to keep this from me and I wish she'd felt OK to just tell me when I was a kid.

Do you think less of your relationship with your dad? How do you feel about other adopted families?

I'm a " real " mom to my " real " son. If you spend 2 minutes with us it's obvious we are not only mother and son, but an extremely close mother and son.

Both my Grandfathers weren’t my biological ones and I didn’t bat an eyelid. Can’t remember when I found out exactly as I’m guessing it was never a big secret, but I loved my Grandads just the same and it didn’t affect me or make me think of them or the wider family any differently

Why are you in touch with this mean cousin and her not very nice child ?
I think you should tell your daughter fwiw. But also not spend time with people who are horrible !

Oh just tell her. Surely she’s heard of adoption? She knows adopted kids are just normal kids? Tell her while she’s young in age appropriate language and it won’t be anywhere near as big a thing as when she’s a teen. It sounds to me as if you are projecting your own feelings when you were teased onto her and how she’s going to think you’re a pretend family? There’s no reason to think anything of the kind. It’ll be far better coming from you-and then if sneaky kid does tell her, she’ll be able to deflate them by telling her it’s old news. Treat it in a matter of fact way -you’ll feel relieved.

Re the sperm dad just tell her that you never met him that you can remember and it's ok because you got a real dad anyway.

My father left when I was about 12. I have told my kids that I don't know him and he left. They were sad for me that he left me behind but when they saw that I'm fine with it, then they were too. What's scary is if you show too much emotion, not the fact at hand. So if she seems to not quite understand then say something along the lines of, "Yes, it's a strange thing to do, I could never imagine doing that, most people couldn't it's strange, some people are though." and add in something about how you would never do such a thing and her real grandad did the exact opposite.

You definitely have to tell her though, asap. You can control it then and make it neutral. Don't talk to your mum about it first though. It's about you, so it's 100% up to you.

Yes there does need to be a universal term for these men who abandon their DC as opposed to sperm donors, men who provide a way for other people to become parents.

Sadly a close family member was with one of these men who abandoned the children, they don’t remember him but it would be good to have a way to describe the situation that doesn’t imply the kind intention which ‘donor’ does.

OP tell her ASAP, and how lucky you were to have your dad. And don’t call the bio dad a sperm donor. Maybe bio father but that he didn’t stay?

Tell her. It's a story of love.

Just tell her, kids tend to be more easy going about this kind of thing, especially these days when blended or non-standard family structures are more common and visible. It's not like it's a dirty secret or anyone did anything wrong (well except your biological dad I suppose).

I'm estranged from my parents, they've never met my children but my kids have always just known about it, it's never had to be explained or announced. I think this is the best way with kids, but obviously you can't do that now so I'd just tell her and keep it relatively casual.

Find an age appropriate TV show that covers adoption or a book you are reading together and then when you get to the adoption bit just casually say "Oh, they are just like me, I'm adopted too" she'll either have loads of questions and you can explain that you don't know anything about the father that made you but that you had a lovely dad who looked after you. Let her lead the conversation.

Chances are whilst this is a huge deal for you that she will take it in her stride because children know families come in all shapes and sizes nowadays, if you focus on it too much you will potentially make a mountain out of a mole hill and make it a much bigger deal than she originally thought, I very much doubt 'pretend' family member would even cross her mind if you don't mention that as a concern

Tell her and do it very casually like it’s no big deal at all. Emphasise that he was a lovely father and grandfather.

I agree to tell her, she's old enough to understand and it's so much better coming from you. I can't see why she would be upset, it doesn't change who he was.

Btw it's good to know anyways because of family history for medical reasons. Ie if he had say, diabetes and a doctor asks her if she has family history of it she would say no.

It's only a big deal if you make it one

I have my ddad and my dstepdad ( who split up with my mum when I was 15 but has always been a massive part of our lives ) and my kids ( 6 and 8 ) know step dad isnt biologically my dad but hes still my dad. They call them both grandad

Tell her. My kids have grown up knowing I'm adopted. Don't make it into a secret.

My DH was adopted by his stepdad when he was a teen, hadn’t seen his bio dad for years prior to thiw. Our DC know this is the case and they’ve never once asked about DH real dad. We just said when talking about it that some people can be rubbish parents and his bio dad was one of those. None of our kids see it as an issue at all and have never queried or questioned anything about his bio dad. They just see it as fact, like most kids do.

It's possible she'll have questions about the man who got your Mom pregnant but you can only answer honestly. You don't know. He and Nanny weren't married, it happens, but luckily Nanny met Grandpa and he loved you both enough for it to not matter

Just tell her.

Your dad was a father in all the ways that matter and she should know that. Nobody has done anything wrong or to be ashamed of.

I really think you are over dramatising something which is a normal everyday occurrence. There are countless men who walk away from young children and countless men who bring up children who aren't biologically theirs.

It's a good idea to read a book or watch a tv programme and then talk about your own situation. There is bound to be a Jaqueline Wilson.

I'd use the term biological father rather than sperm donor. There's no need to complicate the situation.

Exactly! DS has friends who are the result of actual sperm donation. Entirely different situation to an accidental pregnancy with someone who chose not to be involved in his child’s life.