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Original poster

To tell daughter I'm adopted?

110 replies

Starfish125 · 29/12/2023 21:35

So my dad adopted me when I was 6 (mum is my biological mum) the man who got my mum pregnant wasn't interested and I've never seen or met him in my 34 years of being here and I never will. My dad was a fantastic dad and grandad and tragically died at 55 4 years ago. My daughter has no idea he adopted me, and I always felt I would tell her one day (she's 10 btw) but not yet. However, the problem here is someone else telling her. My cousin (dad's brothers daughter) used to relish in reminding me that we weren't 'real' family and our shared cousins were more her family than mine. This was gutting at the time but she was a horrible child. She has changed since then but unfortunately has also had, a horrible child of her own. Now I'm 99% sure knowing my cousin that she's told her daughter (who is also 10) that my dad adopted me. I'm so so worried she'll tell my daughter before I get the chance to, but equally I don't want to tell her either, as I'm worried it'll change her views on me and my family? I couldn't bare it if she thought they were all 'pretend' or whatever. For the record my other cousins are very close to me and never treated me like my other cousin did and the irony is that they don't speak to her anymore, just me. What do people think I should do regarding telling my daughter? Also to not drip feed,.this cousin of mine I still see as she's grown up to be a lot nicer but I still think she may have told her daughter this.

You are being unreasonable - tell her
You are not being unreasonable - don't tell her

OP posts:
IAmAnIdiot123 · 30/12/2023 09:31

Just tell her, I don't know why it's a secret anyway. Being adopted doesn't mean it's a pretend family. My uncle was fully adopted, no one thinks he is any less a part of our family than any others, just got in a different way.

You had a nasty cousin growing up, she would have bullied you about anything by the sounds of it so just because this is what she used, doesn't mean this is actually a thing that's bad. She is just an arsehole.

PercyPigsInBlankets · 30/12/2023 10:03

I’m sorry your mother taught you to feel shame around this. You don’t need to pass that shame on to your daughter - it’s a simple story of love.

Also agree that the term sperm donor is not appropriate. Would genetic parent be a comfortable term for you?

itsgettingweird · 30/12/2023 10:05

Is mention it but totally normally because it is a normal thing.

So talking about grandad just say how much you were so lucky he adopted you and how lucky she was to have him as a grandad. That's the truth.

If you make it a big deal and like a sordid secret then it becomes one iyswim?

Zanatdy · 30/12/2023 10:13

Just tell her, it’s not a big deal, but if you keep it as some secret it will become more of a big deal. If you want her to know from you then you have to tell her now

pavillion1 · 30/12/2023 10:17

tell her , your making more or it than it needs to be .

budgiegirl · 30/12/2023 10:30

Just tell her. As soon as possible. It shouldn't be a big deal, or a secret. There's no shame in it - being adopted can be a wonderful thing.

I was adopted at birth. I've always known. I can't remember not knowing. My children all know I'm adopted. We all see it as totally normal. Because it is. There was no big reveal, no worry about what anyone else thought about it.

Family isn't about blood. It's about love. My adopted mum and dad are my real mum and dad, because they love me and brought me up.

Incogg · 30/12/2023 12:57

Dontcallmescarface · 30/12/2023 09:22

My DD is 31 and I have never told her about my background. I'm the result of an affair my mum had (no idea who with, not interested in knowing either). DD idolised her nanna and I refuse to say anything that will taint DD's memories of my mum. There are only 2 other people now alive who know and neither will say anything. Both my parents are dead now so there really is nothing to be gained by my revealing all to DD.

Unless someone buys her an ancestry DNA test ☹️

rwalker · 30/12/2023 13:00

I think nowadays blended families ,step parents and single parents are all the norm

so I don’t think there will be any shock involved just a bit of natural curiosity about your bio dad

Dontcallmescarface · 30/12/2023 13:26

Incogg · 30/12/2023 12:57

Unless someone buys her an ancestry DNA test ☹️

Show quote history

Well as that won't tell her who her gramp was just his origins, I can't see how getting an Ancestry test would result in some sort of big reveal.

Incogg · 30/12/2023 15:00

Well as that won't tell her who her gramp was just his origins, I can't see how getting an Ancestry test would result in some sort of big reveal.

Well, she'll probably get a close match that she can't place. If you're unlucky it'll be someone like a first cousin. At first she'll presume the NPE is on their side, but eventually one of them will realise that it's on her side. Then she'll wonder who knew what (you, your birth certificate father etc.). Then she'll wonder what the circumstances were around the birth (non-consensual, for example). If you're really unlucky this might take years, by which point there'll be nobody left to answer her questions. She'll probably presume nobody would lie to her about this, and worry how you never knew.

DeeLusional · 30/12/2023 15:41

For anyone contemplating telling a child that they are adopted, please first ensure that the child knows where babies come from in the first place. If they don't know that, you are telling the child that they are somehow different without them having the knowledge of what that difference is. And please don't tell them "We chose you". You probably didn't, the child was allocated to you by whatever agency you dealt with - you don't choose a child like you choose a puppy. Speaking as an adopted child.

AuntMarch · 30/12/2023 15:50

But in this case, OPs dad (like mine) did choose her.

Silverbirchtwo · 30/12/2023 15:50

If he adopted you he is your Dad in every legal way. He's not your biological father, but once you are adopted you have equal rights with any other children and he is your Dad.

Does your 10 yr old understand about how babies are made? This could turn into more a sex talk than an I was adopted by my Dad talk!

DoAWheelie · 30/12/2023 15:56

The younger you tell her the better it will go.

Finding out your family isn't what you thought it was can mess with your sense of identity. It isn't the actual family make up that causes issues - it's knowing you were not told the truth (and often leads to "well what else did they not tell me about).

I'd bring it up casually and let her know she can ask any questions she has. Don't treat it like a big dark secret.

There was a similar thing in my family - one of my uncles has a different father to everyone else and it was hushed up. It finally came out when I was late teens and most of my cousins were in their twenties. It caused a lot of hurt and broken trust that took a while to get over. Again but because of the facts -no one cares and we love him just the same as we always did, but because of the lies. Mo

Silverbirchtwo · 30/12/2023 15:58

Dontcallmescarface · 30/12/2023 13:26

Well as that won't tell her who her gramp was just his origins, I can't see how getting an Ancestry test would result in some sort of big reveal.

Show quote history

She might get matches with half siblings if he had other children, which would be very obvious with the closeness of the matches.

I've been hesitating to suggest this to my cousin, who was adopted by her Dad after he married her mother. She knows all about it, but not who her biological father was, her mother would never tell her and she and anyone else who might have known are now gone, almost certainly her biological father is also gone, but he may well have other children alive.

I found my GF had a half brother when I got an unknown close match on Ancestry, that I tracked back.

Benibidibici · 30/12/2023 16:02

It would be very different if it was one of her own immediate family (parent or sibling) but its a very different relationship with extended family. Its probably far less of a big deal for her than it is for you, just tell her.

Be prepared for her to wonder about the biological grandfather. Do you have a name or any other information about him?

LlynTegid · 30/12/2023 16:42

I think you should. It is quite likely that friends of hers will be being brought up by a mum and stepdad (or man who adopted them), so what you will tell her will not be something unique. Also an opportunity to tell her again how lovely he was, hope she has happy memories of him as well.

MoreDollies · 30/12/2023 18:04

DeeLusional · 30/12/2023 15:41

For anyone contemplating telling a child that they are adopted, please first ensure that the child knows where babies come from in the first place. If they don't know that, you are telling the child that they are somehow different without them having the knowledge of what that difference is. And please don't tell them "We chose you". You probably didn't, the child was allocated to you by whatever agency you dealt with - you don't choose a child like you choose a puppy. Speaking as an adopted child.

Speaking also as an adopted child, I couldn't disagree with you more. I loved that my mum and dad told me they chose me. And my mum used to pretend that she picked me out from among the other babies - of course I realise now that wasn't how it happened, but it made me feel very special as a child. And, while we might be dealing in semantics, they did choose to be adoptive parents and that's close enough.

DeeLusional · 30/12/2023 18:08

AuntMarch · 30/12/2023 15:50

But in this case, OPs dad (like mine) did choose her.

Very good point.

TimetoPour · 30/12/2023 18:16

Your lovely Dad adopted you because he loved you and wanted you. No one can take that away and those that try to tarnish it by saying he isn’t your real father are jealous and utter cretins.

I personally wouldn’t create a serious sit down conversation but when you next chat about your dad you can say your favourite memory is of him adopting you and let the conversation flow from there. It most certainly shouldn’t be a secret that you feel you are hiding.

PurpleBugz · 30/12/2023 21:35

"I also would never have called matey boy a sperm donor to her, that's just what I call him, I can't even say bio father because using the word father about him feels horribly betraying to my dad."

I think you need to see the words mean different things. A father makes a baby. That is what a father is. Your father was your father that can't be denied. Because so many many fathers are dads the words mean the same for a lot of people. But the words are not interchangeable. A dad is sooo much more than a father. Your father was never your dad. Your adopted dad was 100% your dad.

ChellyT · 30/12/2023 21:50

Chosen bonds are more precious than blood bonds. Your (adoption) father chose you, loved you and stood with you @Starfish125 absolutely beautiful in every way anyone looks at it. You are overthinking this, tell your daughter in a light loving way 🌸

SingaporeSlinky · 30/12/2023 22:26

@Dontcallmescarface agree with others, you might be thinking of the basic Ancestry test, where your Dd would get a sheet saying for example ‘80% English, 15% Scottish, 5% Swedish’. Assuming that isn’t going to cause any questions in itself, the problem comes if she or her children decide to trace a family tree with names, dates etc. It’s so easy with records online these days, she may discover something that way. Wouldn’t it save a lot of hassle if she knew the truth from you?

Dontcallmescarface · 31/12/2023 07:54

SingaporeSlinky · 30/12/2023 22:26

@Dontcallmescarface agree with others, you might be thinking of the basic Ancestry test, where your Dd would get a sheet saying for example ‘80% English, 15% Scottish, 5% Swedish’. Assuming that isn’t going to cause any questions in itself, the problem comes if she or her children decide to trace a family tree with names, dates etc. It’s so easy with records online these days, she may discover something that way. Wouldn’t it save a lot of hassle if she knew the truth from you?

The family tree has already been done right back to the 1700's on both sides of my family by my cousin (her mother was my dad's sister and her dad was my mum's brother), so there would be no need for her to start tracing the family tree as it has already been done. As she won't be having children ever (well done for that assumption by the way), that won't ever be an issue. As for anything untoward being thrown up well, given that she has a half sibling, her father has 2 half siblings and both my parents had 5 half siblings between them them (which DD knows all about), then it's safe to say that there will be a match that none of us knew about, but it won't automatically be through me. Anyway all of that is a moot point as I asked her( when we spoke yesterday) what she would do if someone sent her an ancestry kit and her answer was "why would they? I'd just ask if anyone wants it and give it to them, 48 people in my family is quite enough, I don't need anymore"
So there's your answer, DD is not interested in finding out anymore about her ancestry than she knows already so there is no need to tell her.

Incogg · 31/12/2023 09:10

So there's your answer, DD is not interested in finding out anymore about her ancestry than she knows already so there is no need to tell her.

Phew! You have all of the answers so the secrets and lies can continue.