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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to put up with manipulation from MIL?

102 replies

confusedma · 29/12/2023 20:25

Every time MIL doesn't get her way she will call DH "just to check how we are" and "accidentally" cry. So she'll call but be all quiet and sad. DH will ask what's wrong, "oh it's nothing, I don't want to burden you with it", DH will persevere, "nothing, I'm just sad with how things are between us but I don't want to go into it and trouble you" then suddenly bursts into tears and reveals that how she envisioned being a grandma isn't matching her experience and it breaks her heart.

  • she's sad that she doesn't get listened to enough. She told me to continue breastfeeding till 2 years and I stopped at 1. She told me to take my baby outside less in cold weather but we still spend loads of time outside (wrapped up!)
  • she imagined she'd be able to pop round whenever to ours to see her grandchildren but I've recently asked her to contact me and ask before coming (she cried to DH the evening I politely asked her to arrange in advance and cried every time I've said "not today as I've got plans, but maybe later this week?")
  • her heart breaks that she isn't being asked to babysit but instead we've got a paid nanny (I find it easier with a paid person because there are clear instructions, nanny follows them, whereas MIL often dismisses my ideas by saying "ah that's just a first time mum way of doing things" or "no I think we should do it like this" so I highly doubt she'd follow instructions). Although she sees her grandbabies at least once a week! Just with me and / or DH present.

DH falls for it every time, gets genuinely upset that we've upset his lovely mother when "all she wants is what's best for us".
He has a younger sister, SIL (she's 26, DH is in his early 30s) who will do literally everything mum tells her even though SIL is an adult. To the extent that MIL says "oh I don't like this on you" and SIL won't wear it again. Or SIL had a boyfriend she really loved, we met him and all got on, she seemed so into him. Then MIL met him and said "you can do better" so SIL left him. DH isn't quite as obedient as SIL and never has been but you get the family dynamic - MIL rules the roost.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedma · 29/12/2023 20:29

So AIBU and how do I deal with it?

OP posts:
Iwishiwasasilentnight · 29/12/2023 20:33

You have a classic DH problem. You need to sit him down and point out what MIL is doing and ask you deal with it together going forward. Make up some shit about him needing to explain to her that she has done a good job of raising him and now needs to trust him to make good decisions and he needs to be firm so she doesn’t worry about you and get upset.

Original poster
confusedma · 29/12/2023 20:33

Anyone? Really feeling so frustrated and down about it

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedma · 29/12/2023 20:36

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 29/12/2023 20:33

You have a classic DH problem. You need to sit him down and point out what MIL is doing and ask you deal with it together going forward. Make up some shit about him needing to explain to her that she has done a good job of raising him and now needs to trust him to make good decisions and he needs to be firm so she doesn’t worry about you and get upset.

If I even suggest it's manipulation he gets v offended and even more upset. It's his dear mum - she doesn't have a single nasty bone in her body, she's not capable of manipulating, she just loves us and wants to be a bigger part of our lives. We're really hurting her.

I know he isn't manipulating me - he is very genuinely upset by this and I would know if he was just angry or trying to find the easy way out. He says it's so difficult to hear his DM cry... but she cries literally once every couple of weeks if not more!

OP posts:
Fimofriend · 29/12/2023 20:38

What @Iwishiwasasilentnight said.

Mary46 · 29/12/2023 20:43

What age is she op. Terrible. My mother tries treat us like young girls. I have v tight boundaries now. Im 50. I dont know if her son doesnt stand up to her soon it continues on. Its not nice dealing with it though. Its their way or no way

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 29/12/2023 20:43

You need to phrase it in a way that doesn’t acknowledge the manipulation. Make him think she is genuinely worried but he needs to tell her that she’s done such a good job of parenting that of course he is going to make the right decisions so she doesn’t need to worry. She gets the messages not to infer. DH thinks he is doing it to stop MIL being worried. You get MIL not interfering or at least DH starting to put a stop to the interfering and eventually, the more he pushes back he will start to realise MIL is interfering but it’s a very long game.

Purplewarrior · 29/12/2023 20:46

You need to move far far away…

Original poster
confusedma · 29/12/2023 20:47

Mary46 · 29/12/2023 20:43

What age is she op. Terrible. My mother tries treat us like young girls. I have v tight boundaries now. Im 50. I dont know if her son doesnt stand up to her soon it continues on. Its not nice dealing with it though. Its their way or no way

She's late 50s!

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedma · 29/12/2023 20:49

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 29/12/2023 20:43

You need to phrase it in a way that doesn’t acknowledge the manipulation. Make him think she is genuinely worried but he needs to tell her that she’s done such a good job of parenting that of course he is going to make the right decisions so she doesn’t need to worry. She gets the messages not to infer. DH thinks he is doing it to stop MIL being worried. You get MIL not interfering or at least DH starting to put a stop to the interfering and eventually, the more he pushes back he will start to realise MIL is interfering but it’s a very long game.

We've SORT OF tried it in the sense that DH has said something along the lines of "mum dw we are doing things in the best interests of the kids and the breastfeeding stopped for health reasons". But it doesn't deal with the fact she effectively wants to spend 24/7 at our house, visit unannounced and be the first called to babysit, so that she can supervise and criticise every moment of the day.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 29/12/2023 20:50

God op she young! Be careful could be years of this (ours is 80)! The manipulation is not nice

Mooda · 29/12/2023 20:50

Is there a FIL? If so what's his view?

Original poster
confusedma · 29/12/2023 20:53

Mooda · 29/12/2023 20:50

Is there a FIL? If so what's his view?

There's a very henpecked FIL who has had years of being told she's always right and he just sort of agrees with everything she says or doesn't comment, presumably to make his life easier.
Otherwise he's a very pleasant guy! Not at all overbearing. But I've seen a few times that if he offers his opinion on something (even very minor like should snacks be served on the kitchen counter or the coffee table), MIL makes fun of it or makes out that his suggestions are just getting in the way

OP posts:
shampooing · 29/12/2023 20:55

Purplewarrior · 29/12/2023 20:46

You need to move far far away…

This is the best advice but if it’s not feasible then you need to show DH that it’s you who should not be upset by constant criticism of your way of doing things. You are a first time mum to your child, and know your child best.

I have a similar MIL to you but my advantage is a DH who sees through it all and calls her out on it. We had a long period of low contact and it was the best. Now more contact than I would ideally like.

In your shoes I would say how it is your home and not hers, you need to find your way without any outside influence (interference) and that things have moved on so much from the 1990s when DH was a baby that you want to be sure to keep up with the safest way.

In all honesty though you need DH to see what his mum is like, or at least realise that he is an adult married to you, not her. If that doesn’t happen it can be quite draining.

Nospecialcharactersplease · 29/12/2023 20:57

When I’m trying to normalise MIL boundaries with my husband, I often point out the relationship she has (or had) with her own mother/MIL.

E.G. ‘I remember you saying MIL didn’t spend every Christmas with her own mother, I’m sure she wouldn’t expect that of us either. She would want us to have the same opportunities she had’.

olympicsrock · 29/12/2023 21:00

God how awful . Yes you have a DH problem . What a manipulative witch! This is going to be a tough one to crack.

mamacorn1 · 29/12/2023 21:01

I have a mil like this. I always say “oh no! Poor mil!! I hate to see her so sad. Just tell her we love her and I am so glad she raised her boy to be such a great father and put his child’s needs first - just like she did. “ then divert. I literally have this message on repeat. I always bat back any advice or guidance she gives with a “thank you” then I ignore it. I never mention manipulation, I always play the sympathy card of “poor mil!” then completely ignore her

ChristmasEvemaddness · 29/12/2023 21:03

Your dh needs to tell her she's directly affecting him and she must pull back. We had a very similar dynamic with a slightly younger sil who does what mil says and is very much attached to apron strings.
Another option is to stop caring and listening.

AnnaMagnani · 29/12/2023 21:04

@mamacorn1 has excellent advice.

Acknowledge your DH's feelings and then crack on with what you wanted to do in the first place.

Original poster
confusedma · 29/12/2023 21:11

mamacorn1 · 29/12/2023 21:01

I have a mil like this. I always say “oh no! Poor mil!! I hate to see her so sad. Just tell her we love her and I am so glad she raised her boy to be such a great father and put his child’s needs first - just like she did. “ then divert. I literally have this message on repeat. I always bat back any advice or guidance she gives with a “thank you” then I ignore it. I never mention manipulation, I always play the sympathy card of “poor mil!” then completely ignore her

Will try this!! Thank you!

What do you do if he wants to "console" his DM or fix what originally made her upset? So for example, MIL wanted to come over tomorrow and I say that tomorrow is a no but Tuesday would be great (for example, days taken randomly, not related to this week or festive period, it's happened before). DH then asks what I'm doing tomorrow - baby class in the morning then play date at 4. So he asks if perhaps we can allow MIL to come between the class and the play date and help me cook lunch for the kids or if she can pop over for a cup of tea after the play date or come to class with us? Because she's so upset. And she's such a lovely genuine person. He can't possibly bear to see her upset.

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ChristmasEvemaddness · 29/12/2023 21:12

@mamacorn1 gosh that's so good!! V clever.

ChristmasEvemaddness · 29/12/2023 21:14

I'd push straight back like mama said : unfortunately it's a no I need space tomorrow and I've already considered the points where mil could come and it doesn't work. I'm also sorry she's upset and then mamma's lines 😂

pickledandpuzzled · 29/12/2023 21:14

Mama acorn’s advice and also- show your own upset!

Oh DH, I’m so sad, I don’t know what to do! I know weaning is the right thing to do, but I feel so guilty with MiL saying I’m wrong all the time!
Oh DH, I’m upset, I don’t want Mil to feel hurt but we really need a professional carer who will follow Modern advice!

why are her feelings more important than yours? Why does she get to be upset and you have to be strong and resilient?!

Natty13 · 29/12/2023 21:15

"Yes dear, it's so sad that your mum is so upset. Would you like chicken or fish for dinner tonight?"

"Oh how sad she was crying again, its a real sham she is struggling so much with her feelings. Have you remembered to book the car MOT?"

Etc. Validate her feelings and his, but don't comment further. It IS a shame she can't cope with being a grandmother and not the mother in charge any more. But that's how it is. Your DH can feel however he wants about her crying down the phone all the time but his feelings wint change her involvement in your life. Strong marriages rely on good boundaries. If your DH starts arguing with you about giving in to her wants you can point out that 1.he married you and vowed to "forsake all others" not "forsake all others, apart from my mum" and 2. He can have an upset mum or an upset wife, and he could do with remembering whose bed he expects to get into every night.

I'd also ask him if she allowed her own MIL to try to tell her what to do with her babies when they were small? Sounds like she wouldn't have tolerated this herself.

ChristmasEvemaddness · 29/12/2023 21:15

Unfortunately op if dh doesn't back off you get to a stage where he needs to not want to upset you rather than mum. That's not pretty