Page 3 | To not want to put up with manipulation from MIL?

confusedma · 2023-12-29T20:25:47+00:00

Every time MIL doesn't get her way she will call DH "just to check how we are" and "accidentally" cry. So she'll call but be all quiet and sad. DH will ask what's wrong, "oh it's nothing, I don't want to burden you with it", DH will persevere, "nothing, I'm just sad with how things are between us but I don't want to go into it and trouble you" then suddenly bursts into tears and reveals that how she envisioned being a grandma isn't matching her experience and it breaks her heart. - she's sad that she doesn't get listened to enough. She told me to continue breastfeeding till 2 years and I stopped at 1. She told me to take my baby outside less in cold weather but we still spend loads of time outside (wrapped up!) - she imagined she'd be able to pop round whenever to ours to see her grandchildren but I've recently asked her to contact me and ask before coming (she cried to DH the evening I politely asked her to arrange in advance and cried every time I've said "not today as I've got plans, but maybe later this week?") - her heart breaks that she isn't being asked to babysit but instead we've got a paid nanny (I find it easier with a paid person because there are clear instructions, nanny follows them, whereas MIL often dismisses my ideas by saying "ah that's just a first time mum way of doing things" or "no I think we should do it like this" so I highly doubt she'd follow instructions). Although she sees her grandbabies at least once a week! Just with me and / or DH present. DH falls for it every time, gets genuinely upset that we've upset his lovely mother when "all she wants is what's best for us". He has a younger sister, SIL (she's 26, DH is in his early 30s) who will do literally everything mum tells her even though SIL is an adult. To the extent that MIL says "oh I don't like this on you" and SIL won't wear it again. Or SIL had a boyfriend she really loved, we met him and all got on, she seemed so into him. Then MIL met him and said "you can do better" so SIL left him. DH isn't quite as obedient as SIL and never has been but you get the family dynamic - MIL rules the roost.

JingleSnowmanTree · 29/12/2023 22:33

ExtraOnions · 29/12/2023 21:45

They are his children as well, and it’s also his house … confused as to why it’s your rules being enforced, where are his views in all this?

@ExtraOnions

because she has to facilitate the visit, not him. He could arrange for his mother to visit when he is home.

@confusedma don't get into explaining your plans, just say no, tomorrow isn't convenient.

shes 55, my age, not 95 & unable to get places/go out to meet people etc.

is she no longer working??

she needs to accept YOU have a life if your iwn, you're not just there to facilitate her seeing her grandchild.

id be upset though that you didn't want me to babysit & used the nanny instead, but I'd want to know why, see if there's a way to work that out.

Lisanearla · 29/12/2023 22:44

My mother is like this. For years i did not realise it wasn't normal and bent over backwards trying not to upset her. She would pout and sulk if i did something she didn't like e.g. spending time with my in-laws. She would be gushing with happiness if I behaved “correctly”.
Eventually it got too much and i stepped back - now i hardly talk to her.

It is a lack of boundaries - please read this:

https://www.verywellfamily.com/can-a-family-be-too-close-1695789

How Enmeshed Families Function

How close is too close? Healthy families aren't all alike. Enmeshed families, however, are too close with family members who disregard boundaries.

https://www.verywellfamily.com/can-a-family-be-too-close-1695789

Vinrouge4 · 29/12/2023 23:05

confusedma · 29/12/2023 21:11

Will try this!! Thank you!

What do you do if he wants to "console" his DM or fix what originally made her upset? So for example, MIL wanted to come over tomorrow and I say that tomorrow is a no but Tuesday would be great (for example, days taken randomly, not related to this week or festive period, it's happened before). DH then asks what I'm doing tomorrow - baby class in the morning then play date at 4. So he asks if perhaps we can allow MIL to come between the class and the play date and help me cook lunch for the kids or if she can pop over for a cup of tea after the play date or come to class with us? Because she's so upset. And she's such a lovely genuine person. He can't possibly bear to see her upset.

Show quote history

How annoying for you. Just keep saying no. You don’t need to give long explanations. It just isn’t convenient for you. She’s sounds a right pain in the arse.

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2023 00:05

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2023 22:09

I fear I wouldn’t be playing the long game/oh poor dm, let’s have her over for even longer at the weekend l I’d be giving the Dh a choice re understanding that his dm is a manipulative cow and keeping yourself sweet. What would he rather?

Keeping you sweet is more important, I meant!

Original poster

confusedma · 30/12/2023 07:47

coldcallerbaiter · 29/12/2023 21:34

The crying would annoy me as it is manipulative. You cannot cry over everything. If you cry once a decade, ok maybe I would pay attention.

Do you have a nanny? Because MIL seems useful and money-saving, U would actually let her babysit when on a date night or if out shopping , or she can do school pickup etc. She can do it at her house or yours, but you do not need to be there.

Yes we have a nanny but I prefer paid help over having someone that I don't necessarily trust to follow my instructions for the child. For example she always told me to wrap my baby super warm or put a blanket on and I wouldn't like baby to be put to sleep under a blanket. Or she's tried to feel a 1 year old cake even I asked her not to.
MIL comes over a lot, but I only trust her to do it when I'm there or DH is there.

OP posts:

Ktime · 30/12/2023 08:11

confusedma · 29/12/2023 21:11

Will try this!! Thank you!

What do you do if he wants to "console" his DM or fix what originally made her upset? So for example, MIL wanted to come over tomorrow and I say that tomorrow is a no but Tuesday would be great (for example, days taken randomly, not related to this week or festive period, it's happened before). DH then asks what I'm doing tomorrow - baby class in the morning then play date at 4. So he asks if perhaps we can allow MIL to come between the class and the play date and help me cook lunch for the kids or if she can pop over for a cup of tea after the play date or come to class with us? Because she's so upset. And she's such a lovely genuine person. He can't possibly bear to see her upset.

Show quote history

It’s all very well him suggesting MIL come over, he’s not the one who has to spend time with her.

He is unreasonable to plan how YOU spend your time with MIL.

Once a week is plenty. If he wants to see MIL more, he can take DC there for an hour or two.

Original poster

confusedma · 30/12/2023 08:40

ExtraOnions · 29/12/2023 21:45

They are his children as well, and it’s also his house … confused as to why it’s your rules being enforced, where are his views in all this?

DH could breastfeed as long as he wants and he's welcome to invite his mum to his office! Would never stop him doing either.
But seeing as far as my own day and my breasts are concerned, I have more say on those than him, yes.

OP posts:

Ktime · 30/12/2023 08:46

ExtraOnions · 29/12/2023 21:59

…No, I think he should have as much agency over the house, and the children, as the OP does

So he can invite his MIL to the house when he’s not there with the expectation that OP entertain her? That’s madness.

Mooda · 30/12/2023 09:07

Does your DH go to see MIL at the weekend with DC? If he did that it might take some of the pressure off you of her wanting to see you in the week?

Lovingitallnow · 30/12/2023 10:59

Can you spin it round back onto her. "what are you doing tomorrow?"
"I've loads on, it just doesn't suit, why, does Tuesday not suit your dm? What has Rosie got on Tuesday? Maybe I can work around her?"

I know it's playing silly buggers with dh but if he's going to insert himself beside a rock he might find you become a hard place and he'd be best staying out of it all together.

SunRainStorm · 30/12/2023 11:06

Natty13 · 29/12/2023 21:15

"Yes dear, it's so sad that your mum is so upset. Would you like chicken or fish for dinner tonight?"

"Oh how sad she was crying again, its a real sham she is struggling so much with her feelings. Have you remembered to book the car MOT?"

Etc. Validate her feelings and his, but don't comment further. It IS a shame she can't cope with being a grandmother and not the mother in charge any more. But that's how it is. Your DH can feel however he wants about her crying down the phone all the time but his feelings wint change her involvement in your life. Strong marriages rely on good boundaries. If your DH starts arguing with you about giving in to her wants you can point out that 1.he married you and vowed to "forsake all others" not "forsake all others, apart from my mum" and 2. He can have an upset mum or an upset wife, and he could do with remembering whose bed he expects to get into every night.

I'd also ask him if she allowed her own MIL to try to tell her what to do with her babies when they were small? Sounds like she wouldn't have tolerated this herself.

This

EvelynBeatrice · 30/12/2023 11:08

You could be very outspoken about things and firmly enforce boundaries or be more sneaky/ tactful depending on your preference/point of view. You could be very ‘nice’ : ‘the poor soul, I’m so sorry she’s upset: it must be so hard I think to have to recognise that your kids are all grown up and are the ones in the driving seat and rightly making the decisions about what’s right for their kids and lives… she’ll get there…’. Any suggestion that you reorganise your day could be met with breezy ‘oh no darling, think would be stressful with time management and I wouldn’t want to rush your mum out of the door; I’ve been thinking you maybe really need to spend more time with her one on one’

Fairyliz · 30/12/2023 11:08

Lemsipper · 29/12/2023 22:02

I feel like most men go with the path of least resistance. Right now it’s easier to let you down than his mum. So start crying more, making it more traumatic to disappoint you ☺️

From a very happily MIL free wife

I agree and I’m sure when you get upset it puts you right off sex.

GrumpyPanda · 30/12/2023 11:11

I'd ask my husband straight out why he thinks it's up to him to control how I spend my days. Dont even go into justifications about what you've got planned. Point out he's free to meet up with mil on his own time.

nutbrownhare15 · 30/12/2023 11:19

Regarding coming over tomorrow rather than Tuesday could you say something like 'oh I'm sorry she's so upset about not coming round tomorrow, that won't work for me or her as she won't see the kids enough, we had already agreed on Tuesday. Why don't you think of something nice you can do for her on that day?'. So you keep your boundaries and ball is in his court to fix things with her.
You know her sadness isn't rational so you could also play on that, he seems to think her sadness is reasonable but it isn't. Confide in him that you are concerned about her as it isn't normal to be so upset about not seeing someone on a particular day, when an alternative date has already been agreed. But you would need to play this carefully as the 'solution' cannot be him pandering to her even more. Focus on how sad you feel about the situation, that you can't have a day out planned without her getting upset about it.

TortoisePlayingMinecraft · 30/12/2023 11:39

Does your MIL actually know why you don't trust her to look after the baby? If you showed her modern guidance would she be interested in looking at it? The example you gave was of blankets for sleep, you could easily show her some info on how dressed/covered a baby should be. There's a little info graphic thats always passed about on mum groups that's a good guide. SIDS info is easy to find about optimum temperatures.

I mean, she does sound like hard work, but she also sounds like she loves the kids and I can imagine how it must sting to never be allowed to care for them. Maybe a compromise can be reached if she can understand that she has to follow current advice and you as the parent have the final say.

With regards to spending more time. Would you not allow her to go along to playgroup or take the LO there herself? I'm just thinking that these are places where you can easily avoid too much conversation with her as there are lots of people to talk to and she could play with the baby while you have a cup of tea and not really get in each others way too much.

JustAMinutePleass · 30/12/2023 11:45

You’ve painted yourself into a corner by being so inflexible. The nanny is understandable but why can’t she just pop in and see her grandchild while they’re with the nanny? You’re clearly not home all the time if there’s a nanny around.

RBowmama · 30/12/2023 11:49

Exactly OP you're 100% right. Perhaps you should give them a day/afternoon or whole weekend if you fancy it once a month or something to spend time together with your DH around too. You get a lovely break and hopefully MIL gets enough time with them to get her through the week.

Comtesse · 30/12/2023 11:58

Seems like a good reason to continue working through your 50s if you ask me…

Why are her views automatically more important than yours? Why does your husband feel entitled to organise your time when he’s not even there?

CherriesInChocolate · 30/12/2023 12:36

Get in there first. When she hangs up after being told no about whatever you need to call him and ask him to call his mother as she has upset you by insinuating you’re a bad mother.

Put him in the position of being asked to present a united home front.

Original poster

confusedma · 30/12/2023 14:13

Mooda · 30/12/2023 09:07

Does your DH go to see MIL at the weekend with DC? If he did that it might take some of the pressure off you of her wanting to see you in the week?

Yes we all go! He doesn't normally go without us because at the weekend we tend to have plans as a family. Quite often those plans involve MIL but not always

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedma · 30/12/2023 14:14

Lovingitallnow · 30/12/2023 10:59

Can you spin it round back onto her. "what are you doing tomorrow?"
"I've loads on, it just doesn't suit, why, does Tuesday not suit your dm? What has Rosie got on Tuesday? Maybe I can work around her?"

I know it's playing silly buggers with dh but if he's going to insert himself beside a rock he might find you become a hard place and he'd be best staying out of it all together.

Her argument is that why can't she just visit whenever she wants. To her she should be able to just pop round without asking, "we're family after all"

OP posts:

Lovingitallnow · 30/12/2023 14:16

I mean when dh starts asking you.

Original poster

confusedma · 30/12/2023 14:21

TortoisePlayingMinecraft · 30/12/2023 11:39

Does your MIL actually know why you don't trust her to look after the baby? If you showed her modern guidance would she be interested in looking at it? The example you gave was of blankets for sleep, you could easily show her some info on how dressed/covered a baby should be. There's a little info graphic thats always passed about on mum groups that's a good guide. SIDS info is easy to find about optimum temperatures.

I mean, she does sound like hard work, but she also sounds like she loves the kids and I can imagine how it must sting to never be allowed to care for them. Maybe a compromise can be reached if she can understand that she has to follow current advice and you as the parent have the final say.

With regards to spending more time. Would you not allow her to go along to playgroup or take the LO there herself? I'm just thinking that these are places where you can easily avoid too much conversation with her as there are lots of people to talk to and she could play with the baby while you have a cup of tea and not really get in each others way too much.

There's a lot of things. It's the general vibe that when we're together that nothing I say matters and she knows better. For example, if I say "oh maybe don't sit her up, she's too small" she says back "oh she'll be okay! Don't worry" or if we are getting dressed for a walk and I say she's warm enough, MIL will say "oh no actually I think she'll need another layer" and proceed to put one on. When I ask to give me my baby for bedtime she has said before "she'll be ok, let's keep her up a bit more and she can sleep in tomorrow for you".

I know the structure of her day, I know what she is normally dressed in for this weather etc surely you'd listen to the mum who knows this baby best and does this day in and day out? And if she doesn't listen to instructions when I'm there, why would she when I'm gone?

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedma · 30/12/2023 14:25

TortoisePlayingMinecraft · 30/12/2023 11:39

Does your MIL actually know why you don't trust her to look after the baby? If you showed her modern guidance would she be interested in looking at it? The example you gave was of blankets for sleep, you could easily show her some info on how dressed/covered a baby should be. There's a little info graphic thats always passed about on mum groups that's a good guide. SIDS info is easy to find about optimum temperatures.

I mean, she does sound like hard work, but she also sounds like she loves the kids and I can imagine how it must sting to never be allowed to care for them. Maybe a compromise can be reached if she can understand that she has to follow current advice and you as the parent have the final say.

With regards to spending more time. Would you not allow her to go along to playgroup or take the LO there herself? I'm just thinking that these are places where you can easily avoid too much conversation with her as there are lots of people to talk to and she could play with the baby while you have a cup of tea and not really get in each others way too much.

Sorry to quote twice. Regarding the baby class... there's events id invite MIL to and there's things I'd like to go to myself. With a play date it was myself and a mum friend. We have our own conversations whilst the kids play. She's my friend and it's kind of like we've agreed to see each other. A bit rude to bring another person who she's never met and potentially doesn't really have much in common with. The baby class normally has 1 adult for the children, I'd like to go to it because I find it fun and know some of the mums there.

If it was maybe something else, like us just going to a soft play or playground at the park then sure, I'd invite her along!

OP posts: