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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to put up with manipulation from MIL?

102 replies

confusedma · 29/12/2023 20:25

Every time MIL doesn't get her way she will call DH "just to check how we are" and "accidentally" cry. So she'll call but be all quiet and sad. DH will ask what's wrong, "oh it's nothing, I don't want to burden you with it", DH will persevere, "nothing, I'm just sad with how things are between us but I don't want to go into it and trouble you" then suddenly bursts into tears and reveals that how she envisioned being a grandma isn't matching her experience and it breaks her heart.

  • she's sad that she doesn't get listened to enough. She told me to continue breastfeeding till 2 years and I stopped at 1. She told me to take my baby outside less in cold weather but we still spend loads of time outside (wrapped up!)
  • she imagined she'd be able to pop round whenever to ours to see her grandchildren but I've recently asked her to contact me and ask before coming (she cried to DH the evening I politely asked her to arrange in advance and cried every time I've said "not today as I've got plans, but maybe later this week?")
  • her heart breaks that she isn't being asked to babysit but instead we've got a paid nanny (I find it easier with a paid person because there are clear instructions, nanny follows them, whereas MIL often dismisses my ideas by saying "ah that's just a first time mum way of doing things" or "no I think we should do it like this" so I highly doubt she'd follow instructions). Although she sees her grandbabies at least once a week! Just with me and / or DH present.

DH falls for it every time, gets genuinely upset that we've upset his lovely mother when "all she wants is what's best for us".
He has a younger sister, SIL (she's 26, DH is in his early 30s) who will do literally everything mum tells her even though SIL is an adult. To the extent that MIL says "oh I don't like this on you" and SIL won't wear it again. Or SIL had a boyfriend she really loved, we met him and all got on, she seemed so into him. Then MIL met him and said "you can do better" so SIL left him. DH isn't quite as obedient as SIL and never has been but you get the family dynamic - MIL rules the roost.

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 29/12/2023 21:16

Oh no, DH, that just won’t work! I’ll be rushing and won’t be able to enjoy it- and I’d hate to upset her by looking like we don’t want her here!

ChristmasEvemaddness · 29/12/2023 21:16

@Natty13 another excellent post.

Inthebleakmidwinter2 · 29/12/2023 21:18

She sounds exhausting. However, it also sounds like there's a dynamic where her seeing her grandchildren depends on her asking and you saying yes/no? So it might help if you invited her round every so often instead, without her having to ask first.

Then if she still carries on to DH she will seem more unreasonable and you'll look more considerate of her.

HowdenHouseForSale · 29/12/2023 21:18

confusedma · 29/12/2023 21:11

Will try this!! Thank you!

What do you do if he wants to "console" his DM or fix what originally made her upset? So for example, MIL wanted to come over tomorrow and I say that tomorrow is a no but Tuesday would be great (for example, days taken randomly, not related to this week or festive period, it's happened before). DH then asks what I'm doing tomorrow - baby class in the morning then play date at 4. So he asks if perhaps we can allow MIL to come between the class and the play date and help me cook lunch for the kids or if she can pop over for a cup of tea after the play date or come to class with us? Because she's so upset. And she's such a lovely genuine person. He can't possibly bear to see her upset.

Show quote history

Just reiterate that you already have plans which you won’t be changing, but he can remind her not to worry as you’ll see her soon on Tuesday, and how much you and the children are looking forward to it…

bluebeck · 29/12/2023 21:18

confusedma · 29/12/2023 21:11

Will try this!! Thank you!

What do you do if he wants to "console" his DM or fix what originally made her upset? So for example, MIL wanted to come over tomorrow and I say that tomorrow is a no but Tuesday would be great (for example, days taken randomly, not related to this week or festive period, it's happened before). DH then asks what I'm doing tomorrow - baby class in the morning then play date at 4. So he asks if perhaps we can allow MIL to come between the class and the play date and help me cook lunch for the kids or if she can pop over for a cup of tea after the play date or come to class with us? Because she's so upset. And she's such a lovely genuine person. He can't possibly bear to see her upset.

Show quote history

OK, so you have a DH problem if he would rather upset you than his DM.

She is being overbearing and boundary busting. I know it’s difficult, but you need to have a really honest discussion with DH about this.

Sodndashitall · 29/12/2023 21:19

confusedma · 29/12/2023 21:11

Will try this!! Thank you!

What do you do if he wants to "console" his DM or fix what originally made her upset? So for example, MIL wanted to come over tomorrow and I say that tomorrow is a no but Tuesday would be great (for example, days taken randomly, not related to this week or festive period, it's happened before). DH then asks what I'm doing tomorrow - baby class in the morning then play date at 4. So he asks if perhaps we can allow MIL to come between the class and the play date and help me cook lunch for the kids or if she can pop over for a cup of tea after the play date or come to class with us? Because she's so upset. And she's such a lovely genuine person. He can't possibly bear to see her upset.

Show quote history

I'd try to deflect it back to DH. Oh no I've already got plans for tomorrow but why don't you do something special with MIL at the weekend and with the DC. You can all do xx/go to y together and she will feel so good afterwards. I think she'd love doing x/y, and she'll love seeing the DC there.
Every time deflect and become so enthusiastic about him doing something with her that is organised. If it's not appropriate or is feeling too artifical then say "let's do better than her coming tomorrow, why doesn't she come on Saturday then she can spend time with you and the kids as well and it will be so good for everyone, I'll make a cake" or something to that effect
And on Saturday just let her hang out with DH whilst you go and do the weekly shop/clean the bathroom/remember the urgent thing you need to get done or whatever.
The main thing is you need to foist MIL on him rather than you having to deal with her !

JollyJanuary · 29/12/2023 21:23

This is about the relationship between your DH and his DM. It's tricky because he is unable to see her for who she is. You need to be able to detach from that. Back away, don't be involved, set your own boundaries about what you are/aren't prepared to do. If DH is in his 30s and can't kindly push back i can't see where to go - he's not a little boy.

welcometothnuthouse · 29/12/2023 21:25

The crying would wind me up no end and I would become irritated /angry about it. DH needs a kick up the arse for pandering and needs to let her get on with it sometimes.

ChristmasEvemaddness · 29/12/2023 21:29

@Sodndashitall

I'd be very carful with the dynamic if acting like the nanny and maid whilst dh and mum enjoy the dc!

coldcallerbaiter · 29/12/2023 21:34

The crying would annoy me as it is manipulative. You cannot cry over everything. If you cry once a decade, ok maybe I would pay attention.

Do you have a nanny? Because MIL seems useful and money-saving, U would actually let her babysit when on a date night or if out shopping , or she can do school pickup etc. She can do it at her house or yours, but you do not need to be there.

Guavafish1 · 29/12/2023 21:36

Tbh all her points are valid. Her expectations are not being met and she is being honest with her son.

She has a right to be upset as much as you have a right to have barriers

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 29/12/2023 21:40

She's winning because she's head bitch in charge.
She's the bigger headache. So she wins.

Become the HBIC. Become the bigger headache.

DH your Mother's pathetic tears have no affect on me but your patheticness is making my vagina close up. Stop the BS. Grow a pair and tell her to grow up.

ExtraOnions · 29/12/2023 21:45

They are his children as well, and it’s also his house … confused as to why it’s your rules being enforced, where are his views in all this?

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 29/12/2023 21:46

Your MIL needs to find herself some hobbies other than trying to interfere in your life

ChristmasEvemaddness · 29/12/2023 21:49

@ExtraOnions.. You think it's OK for op dh and mum to tell op what to do with bf? Or to organise ops time for her to fit his mum in when he won't be there??

Mary46 · 29/12/2023 21:52

I wouldnt let her mind the baby as then its look at all we did for you.
We live a distance from our mam for this reason !!!

ExtraOnions · 29/12/2023 21:59

…No, I think he should have as much agency over the house, and the children, as the OP does

Nonplusultra · 29/12/2023 22:01

I had a lot of this in the beginning of our relationship too. You might find this website interesting on the relationship dynamics of fear, obligation and guilt.

DH eventually spotted, for himself, some of his dm’s guilt tripping and once he saw it, he reacted completely differently. And I didn’t understand until then that he hadn’t been able to see through her.

Mil has sabotaged her dd’s relationships and ravaged her mental health. I know she played a role in some of DH’s break ups too. I have my own dodgy dynamics that blinded me to the situation and I was far too compliant. A more clued in person would have run for the hills.

Having a dc changed me fundamentally. I wasn’t able to put myself first due to my own upbringing but I was hyper vigilant for my dc. I don’t think that effect is as strong for dads because ours were toddlers before dh started to really step up. But his loyalty shifted to centre on us. He’s still a dutiful ds, but not stuck in the fog.

FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt — Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD

Definition: FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt - The acronym FOG, for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, was first coined by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier in Emotional Blackmail and describes feelings that a person often has when in a relationship with...

https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

ChristmasEvemaddness · 29/12/2023 22:02

Yes but extra oinions surely you don't think he and his mum get to choose whether op bf or not whether his mum pops around with ops agreement and especially not when he isn't there?.

Lemsipper · 29/12/2023 22:02

I feel like most men go with the path of least resistance. Right now it’s easier to let you down than his mum. So start crying more, making it more traumatic to disappoint you ☺️

From a very happily MIL free wife

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2023 22:09

I fear I wouldn’t be playing the long game/oh poor dm, let’s have her over for even longer at the weekend l I’d be giving the Dh a choice re understanding that his dm is a manipulative cow and keeping yourself sweet. What would he rather?

Codlingmoths · 29/12/2023 22:12

I got upset too sometimes, my mil was not quite like this but would often make everything fall on the one who wouldn’t get upset. Eg dh would say we don’t need those cute old furniture items his brother had taken, here are the hideous new ones mil brought you so we are even. Id get really upset, say they are hideous and I will not have them in the house. Or why we simply wouldn’t do that. Instead of just saying no I had to be emotional about it to match so it was clear it was a no, which was very annoying.
here you could get worked up, make the tone more upset than angry- i have tomorrow all planned and you want me to have your mum criticising everything I do about lunch- you may not call it criticism but if I started telling you everything You do is wrong , and I hate your socks, and the coffees you make me are always terrible, you’d be miserable too! Here I am trying my absolute best to bring dd up and look after the house and you want me to be miserable doing it to make your mum feel better, is that nice of you?! Is that kind to your wife? Is that fair?? Please think of a way you can be the one who is miserable if someone has to be miserable to make her feel better, you might hate to see her cry but it happens every week or two and I hate to have my husband suggest the solution is making me have a crappy miserable day being told off, however well meaning she is it makes me MISERABLE, it would do the same to anyone!!

make his suggestions have consequences for him at home this way too, rather than his wife speaks calmly to him and it’s all fine.

Sodndashitall · 29/12/2023 22:14

ChristmasEvemaddness · 29/12/2023 21:29

@Sodndashitall

I'd be very carful with the dynamic if acting like the nanny and maid whilst dh and mum enjoy the dc!

True, I did think that a bit too but was trying to think of things that she could be "in the house" for so not be seen as rude by leaving. Personally I love a bit of cooking and my sibling loves a spring clean so those wouldn't be problems for me but OP just pick a thing that is good for you rather than a chore you hate!

Codlingmoths · 29/12/2023 22:18

Guavafish1 · 29/12/2023 21:36

Tbh all her points are valid. Her expectations are not being met and she is being honest with her son.

She has a right to be upset as much as you have a right to have barriers

Do you have a right to be upset because your expectations are being met? I’d say it depends totally on whether your expectations are reasonable. Having unreasonable expectations and being upset they aren’t met is just selfish and entitled. The universe revolves around nobody, and in particular if you make other people feel terrible all the time, they will not put themselves out for you.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 29/12/2023 22:19

Why isn't MIL at work?